Bs sos

[merrmeade]

This thread is some time overdue. It was to be the next step in dealing with an apparent emergency involving the disappearance of one of the most prolific and beloved contributors to the Infidelity forum of recent months.

 

I started one thread about it in the Loveshack section on general questions and comments. William the Moderator provided a link to a very interesting discussion from different perspectives: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/loveshack-org-questions-comments/528286-where-why-how-deal-ls-sos#post6316910. His response and the discussion in the thread identify a lot of the issues and are worth reading.

 

I'm still working on my feelings of responsibility and regret that I didn't do or say the right thing at the right time but am not asking for help with that. I’d like to continue the discussion with a focus on the particular vulnerabilty of the betrayed spouse and the issues they face as individuals coming to an online forum for help and the ways the community responds.

 

Here are some of the things I’ve been thinking about:

• At first, I was shocked, terrified even, that this individual all of a sudden lost it. She’d seemed so clear and on top of everything, but as I started rereading her posts and thinking about what all she revealed, I realized it wasn’t ‘out of the blue.’ For example, what if somebody used LS for therapy and said so. I actually think I remember reading this. Is that a red flag? And maybe these are ‘signs’ on hindsight. At the time, I'm not sure I would have thought so.

• Which is just the point: We’re not professionals, so there is always going to be someone more needy or vulnerable than what we’re able to deal with. So how do we know?

• The disclaimer at the bottom of every LS page warns against using “suggestions and advice offered on this web site ... in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice.” I know that part of the advice given a BS is usually to get IC, but still few posters shy away from offering advice on any and all topics.

• Yet we do help each other in significant ways, and it seems to me most people are careful to give basic advice first, i.e., legal advice (get a lawyer, protect your assets, etc) along with general recommendations for counseling.

• It’s been very discouraging dealing with this development and reminded me of my lowest points during the past couple of years. I wonder how many BSs get that seriously depressed. For myself, I realized I wasn’t going to stop living and started IC, but I WAS seriously exploring possibilities at one point...

 

Other thoughts?

Edited May 15, 2015 by merrmeade

[cocorico]

I think I know who you mean, and hope she's OK.

[I_Give_Up67]

She put so much effort and time into helping so many others with advice, and seemed so resolute in her own situation. Let's hope she is safe and receiving the assistance that she needs.

[Mazerati]

Thank you Merr for this post, I echo all who have responded. I too as you well know have very similar feelings, your words mean a lot to me, and for our friend.

 

I pray she is okay, and will keep her in my thoughts.

 

She truly is a gem

[merrmeade]

Thank you Merr for this post, I echo all who have responded. I too as you well know have very similar feelings, your words mean a lot to me, and for our friend.

 

I pray she is okay, and will keep her in my thoughts.

 

She truly is a gem

Yes, she really touched my heart so many times. I realize how much I projected my own understanding and position on her (and probably others). I wonder how much we really do help each other or if the benefit of posting in a support group type forum is more the psychological benefit from solidarity.

 

Also it can be confusing when opposite counsel is given in the same thread. I'm sure we all just pick the one we like, which may not be the one we need.

 

But in the end, it's like somebody said: This is not a serious, professional or even focused help site. Just a bunch of people with similar interests sometimes.

[I_Give_Up67]

Yes, she really touched my heart so many times. I realize how much I projected my own understanding and position on her (and probably others). I wonder how much we really do help each other or if the benefit of posting in a support group type forum is more the psychological benefit from solidarity.

 

Also it can be confusing when opposite counsel is given in the same thread. I'm sure we all just pick the one we like, which may not be the one we need.

 

But in the end, it's like somebody said: This is not a serious, professional or even focused help site. Just a bunch of people with similar interests sometimes.

 

 

When I first became a member here, I notice that she seem to read every single comment before she would craft her very lengthy well thought out responses. Never once did I consider that she may have been doing this at the expense of her own suffering.

 

She is really an inspiration, and I look forward to hearing from her again soon!

[elaine567]

what if somebody used LS for therapy and said so.

 

Good therapy is directed, it is going somewhere, it is focussed on the individual, and it is usually managed by people who know what they are doing, who know when to shine the light on issues and who know when those issues are better left covered up.

The forum can never take the place of good therapy, but not everyone is in the situation to receive the therapy they need, so I guess the forum may provide a service there.

 

I feel the forum works for many because it can be seen as:-

 

A comfort, "I have it bad, but not as bad as some of those poor folk."

 

As a distraction " I can forget about my troubles by sorting out someone else's issues - if I can help someone else get their way out of the fog, that makes me feel better"

 

As a learning experience, " I never knew about that, until I came here"

 

As entertainment, " I can't wait till the next episode"

 

As somewhere to meet people going through the same thing, "My partner was just rubbish, what about yours?"

 

As support when someone is going through a bad patch. "All my friends are happily marred, who can I talk to about this?"

Etc. etc.

 

But as a substitute for real therapy, no.

[I_Give_Up67]

Good therapy is directed, it is going somewhere, it is focussed on the individual, and it is usually managed by people who know what they are doing, who know when to shine the light on issues and who know when those issues are better left covered up.

The forum can never take the place of good therapy, but not everyone is in the situation to receive the therapy they need, so I guess the forum may provide a service there.

 

I feel the forum works for many because it can be seen as:-

 

A comfort, "I have it bad, but not as bad as some of those poor folk."

 

As a distraction " I can forget about my troubles by sorting out someone else's issues - if I can help someone else get their way out of the fog, that makes me feel better"

 

As a learning experience, " I never knew about that, until I came here"

 

As entertainment, " I can't wait till the next episode"

 

As somewhere to meet people going through the same thing, "My partner was just rubbish, what about yours?"

 

As support when someone is going through a bad patch. "All my friends are happily marred, who can I talk to about this?"

Etc. etc.

 

But as a substitute for real therapy, no.

 

 

Spot on Elaine! ^^^^^^^^

[autumnnight]

Good therapy is directed, it is going somewhere, it is focussed on the individual, and it is usually managed by people who know what they are doing, who know when to shine the light on issues and who know when those issues are better left covered up.

The forum can never take the place of good therapy, but not everyone is in the situation to receive the therapy they need, so I guess the forum may provide a service there.

 

I feel the forum works for many because it can be seen as:-

 

A comfort, "I have it bad, but not as bad as some of those poor folk."

 

As a distraction " I can forget about my troubles by sorting out someone else's issues - if I can help someone else get their way out of the fog, that makes me feel better"

 

As a learning experience, " I never knew about that, until I came here"

 

As entertainment, " I can't wait till the next episode"

 

As somewhere to meet people going through the same thing, "My partner was just rubbish, what about yours?"

 

As support when someone is going through a bad patch. "All my friends are happily marred, who can I talk to about this?"

Etc. etc.

 

But as a substitute for real therapy, no.

 

One of the dangers of forums, though, is that bit can feed a certain type of person's need to stay in the crisis and keep the indignation alive. Look at the people years and years out who still talk about the FWS they chose too stay with like horrible trash. Maybe if one authentically wants to move on or positively reconcile, one has to leave the venue for staying stuck behind?

 

I say that having no idea who y'all are talking about.

[William]

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