best friend?

[Elisha]

I had a best friend who lived on my floor at my apartment complex before he moved to a house that is just down the street. He is a guy. I have a boyfriend who I love completely and totally, but for some reason I slept with my best friend a few times throughout our relationship (we've been together for about 3 1/2 years). I can honestly say that I didn't do it to try to get into another relationship or break up with my boyfriend, it was one of those "I was drunk" kind of spur-of-the-moment things. It just happened more than once (3 times). I stopped drinking because of this, because I always felt so guilty about it afterwards.

 

It's hard because I love my best friend, but in a different way than my boyfriend. I've always had almost all male friends. I don't understnad how you could love two people so much but in so very different ways.

 

My boyfriend found out what had happened and he was pissed off, and we did break up for a few weeks, but we decided to go to relationship counseling at school to try and work things out. We're both in graduate school.

 

I know I should just let my best friend go and stop talking to him. It incites jealousy and hurts my boyfriend. But I think that since I stopped drinking completely, there won't be any more of these infidelities because they were all when I was really wasted and not a very good judge of consequences or anything like that. Am I just being selfish and foolish?

[Goob]

I have to wonder how truly committed to your boyfriend you are to have slept with your friend. Honesty is one of the most important things in a relationship. There is a difference between looking at other guys and actually getting physical with them. You are using your drinking as an excuse. I also don't think it is fair to your best friend for you to never see or talk to him again. If you are afraid that you might end up sleeping with him again, then you are not in a solid relationship to begin with.

[Dave]

If I were your boyfriend I would dump you for good.

 

Have a nice day

 

I had a best friend who lived on my floor at my apartment complex before he moved to a house that is just down the street. He is a guy. I have a boyfriend who I love completely and totally, but for some reason I slept with my best friend a few times throughout our relationship (we've been together for about 3 1/2 years). I can honestly say that I didn't do it to try to get into another relationship or break up with my boyfriend, it was one of those "I was drunk" kind of spur-of-the-moment things. It just happened more than once (3 times). I stopped drinking because of this, because I always felt so guilty about it afterwards. It's hard because I love my best friend, but in a different way than my boyfriend. I've always had almost all male friends. I don't understnad how you could love two people so much but in so very different ways. My boyfriend found out what had happened and he was pissed off, and we did break up for a few weeks, but we decided to go to relationship counseling at school to try and work things out. We're both in graduate school. I know I should just let my best friend go and stop talking to him. It incites jealousy and hurts my boyfriend. But I think that since I stopped drinking completely, there won't be any more of these infidelities because they were all when I was really wasted and not a very good judge of consequences or anything like that. Am I just being selfish and foolish?

[Elisha]

I was never in a twelve step program, but I was an alcoholic for 2 years after my father died, which is why mentioning that I stopped drinking was actually a lot bigger than you took it for.

 

But my conflict is that staying in contact with my best friend puts a lot of strain on my relationship. My boyfriend dealt with a lot of crap while I was an alcoholic, so I feel beholden to him.

[Tony T]

It's really too bad people can't be a little more discrete when they do things like this. There was no reason your boyfriend had to find out about this and whoever told him was pretty shortsighted.

 

Now that your boyfriend knows about these sexual encounters, your relationsip with him will only go so far with this friend in the picture. As a practical matter, it is very difficult to nurture opposite sex friendships over a long period when you are in a committed relationship.

 

Your boyfriend will not trust this friendship if it continues. Later on, when you get busy with a home and children, you won't have time for this guy friend anyway.

 

Chat with him on the phone now and then but that's it. If I were your boyfriend, I would never trust you with any male friend again.

 

One indiscretion can be a mistake...three times is NOT. You are actually very lucky your boyfriend is willing to go to counselling and try to work on this. Most guys would have been out the door and rightly so. Your guy is a prince...hold on to him.

[Dave]

Tony, her guy is not a prince, he is a dumbass! and a Fool!

It's really too bad people can't be a little more discrete when they do things like this. There was no reason your boyfriend had to find out about this and whoever told him was pretty shortsighted.

 

Now that your boyfriend knows about these sexual encounters, your relationsip with him will only go so far with this friend in the picture. As a practical matter, it is very difficult to nurture opposite sex friendships over a long period when you are in a committed relationship. Your boyfriend will not trust this friendship if it continues. Later on, when you get busy with a home and children, you won't have time for this guy friend anyway. Chat with him on the phone now and then but that's it. If I were your boyfriend, I would never trust you with any male friend again. One indiscretion can be a mistake...three times is NOT. You are actually very lucky your boyfriend is willing to go to counselling and try to work on this. Most guys would have been out the door and rightly so. Your guy is a prince...hold on to him.

[Tony T]

Well yes, he is that too. But he is a prince in that he is willing to work on this under a set of circumstances that most men would walk away from. Neither of us are in the thick of the circumstances and it's my experience that there are always details that are omitted from posts.

 

It is rare that a counsellor can fully restore trust once it is shattered. I give the relationship a 50/50 chance if she minimizes or eliminates contact with this male friend and ZERO chance if she doesn't.

[Ed]

Am I just being selfish and foolish?

 

Yes and Yes. Who has not been guilty of that before?

 

To increase the chances of things working out with your boyfriend, I would advise you to cut all contact with the 'friend'. It's unfortunate that this happened between you and the 'friend' AND that your boyfriend found out about it (by the way, how did he find out?).

 

You are primarily responsible for what took place, however, I place some responsibility on the 'friend'. If he really cared that much about you as a 'friend', he would not have taken advantage of your drunken state. Of course, he could have been out of control, knee slapping, falling down drunk too.

 

Anyway, loosing contact with the 'friend' is a small price for either of you to pay for the indiscretion. Sooner or later, we all bear the consequences of the choices we make. And you may have yet bore all the consequences of this one.