Anyone in an open relationship ?

[jen1447]

The increased libido as a result of increased sexual activity thing is definitely a reality for women. The more you put in, the more you get out.

[oldshirt]

Open relationships are fine as long as traditional, exclusive, lifelong marriage is not your end-goal.

 

How's that for a profound statement? LOL

 

I don't have first hand experiences with open marriage per se but my wife and I were very active in swinging for several years and a number of our friends were involved in open relationships to various degrees.

 

For some people they work fine. You seem OK with it and for the moment you claim to be benefiting from it so I can't point fingers.

 

What I will predict though with a high likelihood of probability however is that in a period of time, she will lose respect for you and will then lose attraction and desire for you and one of her other suitors (or more likely someone altogether different) will just walk off with her leaving you along side the road.

 

This is pure alpha vs beta dynamics taking place here and you are sitting squarely in the Captains Chair of the USS Beta.

 

I get it that she is coming home in her best lingerie and ruby red stilettos and riding you like a big white horse after your dates. However her libido is being fueled by the sperm of other men. It's just residual hormones from her other escapades.

 

She's coming home to you and in a relationship with you because you are providing comfort, security and convenience of a relationship but are also allowing her to have her fun.

 

All is well at the moment but in time she will view you as weak and ineffective and she will start to subconsciously view you as not committed to her since you allow her to be used by others (even though she may dig it). People hold on to what they value and keep to themselves. When you send her out on dates, she will eventually feel unvalued.

 

Eventually she will become involved with a man who will say, "if you were my girl, I would never allow other men to touch you." and he will show strength and dominance and she will lose respect and then desire for you.

 

It's a matter of time whether days, weeks or months before she will come home from her dates and she will not be in a state of stimulation but will be in a state of satisfaction and she will say she is good and will just want to curl up and go to sleep.

 

From there she will start showing less and less sexual response to you and will get to a state where you are more like friends than lovers. That will further degrade to where she pulls away from your touch and will have every excuse in the book to not have sex with you.

 

At that point if you start digging around, you will find that she is very involved with someone you either know nothing about or you will have no clue to the depths of their relationship. And you will find that she has violated every rule you had established per your open relationship agreements.

 

At that point you will have already been replaced in her heart and in her Jay-Jay.

 

This will occur like clockwork in that order.

 

It's because you have set yourself up to fail and you have set up the relationship to fail.

 

If all you want is a temporary, high-passion, exciting relationship that will burn itself out relatively quickly and then move on to the next, this will work and be fine.

 

If you are wanting something stable and long lasting with less porno plotlines, you are digging your own grave.

[jen1447]

^ Fun governor.

 

All that's one possible outcome. One of many, and many of which would be considered successful by OP and his lady's standards.

[BetrayedH]

Open relationships are fine as long as traditional, exclusive, lifelong marriage is not your end-goal.

 

How's that for a profound statement? LOL

 

I don't have first hand experiences with open marriage per se but my wife and I were very active in swinging for several years and a number of our friends were involved in open relationships to various degrees.

 

For some people they work fine. You seem OK with it and for the moment you claim to be benefiting from it so I can't point fingers.

 

What I will predict though with a high likelihood of probability however is that in a period of time, she will lose respect for you and will then lose attraction and desire for you and one of her other suitors (or more likely someone altogether different) will just walk off with her leaving you along side the road.

 

This is pure alpha vs beta dynamics taking place here and you are sitting squarely in the Captains Chair of the USS Beta.

 

I get it that she is coming home in her best lingerie and ruby red stilettos and riding you like a big white horse after your dates. However her libido is being fueled by the sperm of other men. It's just residual hormones from her other escapades.

 

She's coming home to you and in a relationship with you because you are providing comfort, security and convenience of a relationship but are also allowing her to have her fun.

 

All is well at the moment but in time she will view you as weak and ineffective and she will start to subconsciously view you as not committed to her since you allow her to be used by others (even though she may dig it). People hold on to what they value and keep to themselves. When you send her out on dates, she will eventually feel unvalued.

 

Eventually she will become involved with a man who will say, "if you were my girl, I would never allow other men to touch you." and he will show strength and dominance and she will lose respect and then desire for you.

 

It's a matter of time whether days, weeks or months before she will come home from her dates and she will not be in a state of stimulation but will be in a state of satisfaction and she will say she is good and will just want to curl up and go to sleep.

 

From there she will start showing less and less sexual response to you and will get to a state where you are more like friends than lovers. That will further degrade to where she pulls away from your touch and will have every excuse in the book to not have sex with you.

 

At that point if you start digging around, you will find that she is very involved with someone you either know nothing about or you will have no clue to the depths of their relationship. And you will find that she has violated every rule you had established per your open relationship agreements.

 

At that point you will have already been replaced in her heart and in her Jay-Jay.

 

This will occur like clockwork in that order.

 

It's because you have set yourself up to fail and you have set up the relationship to fail.

 

If all you want is a temporary, high-passion, exciting relationship that will burn itself out relatively quickly and then move on to the next, this will work and be fine.

 

If you are wanting something stable and long lasting with less porno plotlines, you are digging your own grave.

 

Like Jen, I would add that this 'might' happen. But also to Oldshirt's credit, we've seen it play out here time after time and in the clockwork fashion that he described.

 

The way I would describe what I've seen is that someone gets more interested in the openness than the other. And the other gets hurt. And then the interested one does quietly break the rules, which is taken as a huge betrayal.

 

If you are fortunate enough to avoid being jealous/hurt on your part, Oldshirt's scenario is the second risk you run. Even though you aren't jealous or controlling, you get cheated on anyway. My gut says that it's even a bit more likely in your scenario because you're not taking part in any on your own. You are assuming a very beta role. Her emotional attachment to a dominant male seems a likely eventuality.

 

It could also play out in other ways. But I think you feel like your heart is safer here than it really is. Be wary of how much emotional capital you're investing in a woman when she is investing nothing and you're freely leaving her out on the market. There's something to this "mate-protecting" concept that oldshirt talks about. It makes women feel valued and validated. You're not doing that and freely allowing others to do it. It's risky. Eyes wide open.

[oldshirt]

 

There's something to this "mate-protecting" concept that oldshirt talks about. It makes women feel valued and validated. You're not doing that and freely allowing others to do it. .

 

 

Yeah it's just a matter of days/weeks/months before some guy says, "ok, you've had your fun with your little beta-boy, but now it's time to $hit or get off the pot and get serious. If you want a real relationship, the porn life ends and we see each other exclusively or not at all. I'm not going to share you."

 

And then it will be done.

 

Open relationships are viewed as fantasy fun life - a vacation from "real life" if you will. The guys that let their partners play around on the side are just simply not taken seriously. It's just a matter of time before some guy lays down the law and he will be seen as the strong, serious and legitimate partner.

[oldshirt]

 

 

Be wary of how much emotional capital you're investing in a woman when she is investing nothing and you're freely leaving her out on the market.

 

 

This is the Catch-22 of open relationships. Open relationships are instinctively seen as not being invested. We guard and protect that which we hold dear and don't let others mess with it.

 

To have an open relationship you must risk letting others walk away with your partner. But the taking of that risk shows that you are already willing to let them go.

 

Having a partner that is willing to let you go and willing to risk letting you indulge with others generates insecurity.

 

When someone comes along that demonstrates that they would not be willing to risk letting you go, you feel safe and secure and you instinctively see them as strong and determined.

 

Then the person that was willing to let you go and wasn't invested in you gets left behind.

 

Whether it's actually factual or not, open relationships are viewed as casual and fantasy play time. People may enjoy the novelty and fantasy world for awhile. But when they want to get serious they will attach to the strongest candidate that is takimy them seriously. And when a man takes a woman seriously, he doesn't let other men screw her.

[central]

This is the Catch-22 of open relationships. Open relationships are instinctively seen as not being invested. We guard and protect that which we hold dear and don't let others mess with it.

 

To have an open relationship you must risk letting others walk away with your partner. But the taking of that risk shows that you are already willing to let them go.

 

Having a partner that is willing to let you go and willing to risk letting you indulge with others generates insecurity.

 

When someone comes along that demonstrates that they would not be willing to risk letting you go, you feel safe and secure and you instinctively see them as strong and determined.

 

Then the person that was willing to let you go and wasn't invested in you gets left behind.

 

Whether it's actually factual or not, open relationships are viewed as casual and fantasy play time. People may enjoy the novelty and fantasy world for awhile. But when they want to get serious they will attach to the strongest candidate that is takimy them seriously. And when a man takes a woman seriously, he doesn't let other men screw her.

 

This may happen, but it's far from inevitable. And I particularly disagree with " the person that was willing to let you go and wasn't invested in you gets left behind". We're not willing to let each other go, and we are completely invested in each other. Other partners are fun distractions, but we're no more likely to leave each other for them than we are to move to Afghanistan. It's purely recreational.

 

By your own argument, swinging is always bound to fail, as well. Yet, many couples thrive in this activity for decades without any problem. Haven't you successfully navigated the potential pitfalls of swinging? I've seen a much higher percentage of monogamous marriages fail than I've seen married swingers' relationships fail.

[jen1447]

Agree with central, you're just casting way too wide a net. The fact is, open relationships do work. I can attest to that personally. That means this "certain doom" thing is false, and obvs OP is perfectly fine with it (this was a "hey guess what" thread, not a "help me" thread after all), so the naysaying just sounds a lot like trying to ruin his fun.

 

No offense but some of the stuff you guys are saying (particulary the categorical stuff like loss of respect and all that) is simply coming from an uninformed place. The dynamics are much more complicated than that, but I'm not particularly surprised you're unaware of them because you haven't actually been there yourself.

[darkmoon]

open relationships rely on tact and knowing you are the favourite, i think they are natural, to me, but i would never have traded in my partner for another man

 

in fact it is what they gave me out of bed that kept us close, both rocks and supportive, one split but not due to being open, my boyf of today knows what i am like, point being we have tons of fun out of bed, not relying on sex to bond

[oldshirt]

This may happen, but it's far from inevitable. And I particularly disagree with " the person that was willing to let you go and wasn't invested in you gets left behind". We're not willing to let each other go, and we are completely invested in each other. Other partners are fun distractions, but we're no more likely to leave each other for them than we are to move to Afghanistan. It's purely recreational.

 

By your own argument, swinging is always bound to fail, as well. Yet, many couples thrive in this activity for decades without any problem. Haven't you successfully navigated the potential pitfalls of swinging? I've seen a much higher percentage of monogamous marriages fail than I've seen married swingers' relationships fail.

 

The points I am stating are not absolute truths per se but rather perceptions, whether conscious or subconscious, and also how people tend to react in such situations rather than what they say.

 

When someone does not mate-guard their partner, their partner will not consciously think that their mate doesn't value them (although some do!!) It is often a deep, instinctual reaction that they have no conscious control of.

 

And of course yes, there are couples that thrive for many years in perfectly happy and healthy open relationships.

 

But for every one of those, there are many that fall along the wayside just as I described.

 

Swinging carries much the same risks, but it is a different animal in that it is an activity in which the couple participates together and they strive for a somewhat equal footing.

 

The whole alpha/beta balance is more in balance when both partners are in active and participating roles.

 

When you sit home and allow your GF to go on dates, you are in a pure beta mode to an extremely high degree. By being that beta, you are at extremely high risk of her subconsciously viewing you as weak and unproductive and that you don't truly value her.

 

If you value your car, do you let other guys ride it? Same with your woman, if you value your woman, do you let other people ride her?

 

 

 

There is a big difference in ages and lifestyles between you two. She is still a young and viable woman. She is going to be banging dudes much younger than you that have six-packs and ambitions for a future. She may still want to marry and have more offspring. If one of them offers her that life, she may take it and run.

[Erised]

I have a lot of friends in open relationships.

 

There is no one right way to do it, though open communication is important.

 

I would say if her partner and her are fluid bonded is he having sex with anyone else? In my friends open relationships fluid bonding doesn't happen until all parties are tested, and new sexual partners are approved, and tested, prior to sex as well.

 

 

 

Ps... One of my couple friends have been together and open for 40 years and adore each other more than anyone I've seen... You don't usually know about all the happy open couples.

 

I think it's awesome. I've seen it work well so many times. I've seen it fail yes, but I've seen monogamy fail too. Neither is better than the other or more appealing to everyone.

 

Some people here are ridiculous and uninformed. That mystical "strong" partner would be dismissed at the first saying of such crap, or speaking poorly of another partner, much less the primary partner. That isn't true strength, anyhow.

Edited May 19, 2015 by Erised

[oldshirt]

I have a lot of friends in open relationships.

 

There is no one right way to do it, though open communication is important.

 

I would say if her partner and her are fluid bonded is he having sex with anyone else? In my friends open relationships fluid bonding doesn't happen until all parties are tested, and new sexual partners are approved, and tested, prior to sex as well.

 

 

 

Ps... One of my couple friends have been together and open for 40 years and adore each other more than anyone I've seen... You don't usually know about all the happy open couples.

 

I think it's awesome. I've seen it work well so many times. I've seen it fail yes, but I've seen monogamy fail too. Neither is better than the other or more appealing to everyone.

 

Some people here are ridiculous and uninformed. That mystical "strong" partner would be dismissed at the first saying of such crap, or speaking poorly of another partner, much less the primary partner. That isn't true strength, anyhow.

 

 

That all sounds great when everyone is playing nice and following all the rules. Any guess as to how often people don't follow all the rules though?

 

A monogamous couple really only has one rule which is don't screw other people.... And look how much trouble people have following that. Now take in to account an open couple may have dozens and dozens of various rules and regulations, it becomes much more complex and prone to break down.

 

And yes, there are couples that have been doing it for many years and they don't fall for many peoples crap.

 

But for each one of those, there are many that are less sophisticated and experienced.

 

It's just like a big fish in a pond. The big fish got big because he didn't fall for the bait. But the pond is full of little fish who do.

[davidromero43]

Could it be you like to be degraded. Knowing the details, and knowing it was unprotected, is very painful for most men. You might enjoy this pain. There is no benefit for you to be with other women. That would lesson the degrading. Knowing you are faithful, and she is not, is degrading. Saying you are older, could also be degrading. The only point of acknowledging the age difference would be to say you can't satisfy her needs, or something like that. Eleven years is not a huge age difference. But hey, whatever floats your boat.

[MissBee]

Hi, I would be interested to hear from anyone in an open relationship and how it works for them. I am in a one sided open relationship with my girlfriend of 3 years. We are best friends and love each other very much. I have chosen to remain totally faithful to her, she has the freedom to date and have a lover / lovers whenever she wants.

 

In the six months since our open relationship started, she has dated 7 guys and slept with 2 of them. The most recent guy is now her lover. By mutual agreement the only rules are that she does not date anyone from our social circle & she does not bring any guys to our home. I will never meet any of her dates or lovers. Apart from that, she can see whoever she wants, whenever she wants. Yes she does have unprotected sex with her lover. She hides nothing about her exploits, she shows me her text messages and tells me what she has been doing with them.

 

Our relationship is free from jealousy and our sex life is healthy. I am in no way a downtrodden wimp type. In fact, the whole situation has added an extra exciting dimension to our relationship and has brought us even closer together.

 

What do you mean one-sided? Have you simply agreed to let her do this because you want to be with her but she doesn't want to strictly be with you. Or are you someone who is happy with having this arrangement. The fact that you say it is one-sided means it cannot be mutual. Why don't you also explore other people? Are you generally fine with any gf or wife doing this and was it a desire you had before or was your gf the one who brought this up?

 

Also, unprotected sex with lovers is no joke. You guys should at least make safe sex MANDATORY! I don't have any desire to be in an open relationship, but if for some reason I did, or am in any relationship where I have a primary partner and we sometimes sleep with others, using condoms would be a must! Don't play around with your health like that.

[davidromero43]

For anyone that doesn't know, this situation is called Cuckold or just Cuck.

[Friskyone4u]

Nick,

 

If someone googles the most common mens sexual fantasies, having their partner have sex with another man pops up there in the top ten or fifteen fantasies for men, and you obviously are getting a sexual kick from hearing the details of her adventures. So while I think the unprotected sex is not smart, right now your relationship can work.

But here is the problem for you. From what you have described, your wife has gone on seven dates and had sex with two or three of the guys. If you are truly in an open relationship, if she meets enough guys she is eventualluy going to meet up with one or two who will not only be having sex with her, but will be a distinct threat to your marriage.

If you go on a polyamory website, you wil see al the misery and relationship chaos that occurs when a woman starts to become EMOTONALLY ATTCHED to her lovers. Then the rules or what you think are the boundaries of your relationship will go out the window, and they will not become dates of FWB but she will tell you she LOVES then as much as you, and instead of an occaisional sex romp you will be sharing her completely, maybe even having her spending two or three nights a week not at home with you.

Now if you are OK with all that, go for it. But if you think you are going to control this to what it is now, I think that is where you are in for a surprise.

[Gloria25]

Same question here. An open relationship is contradictory to a committed relationship. It's illogical to say you have both. You're just pretending to be committed to each other.

 

Like that couple I was watching on ID two Saturdays ago...

 

What's the point of an "open" RL? I mean, do people really need an anchor to always fall back on?

 

Yes, I've gotten involved with involved men, but it wasn't like me or him were just "out" there picking up lovers left and right then coming home at nite to home base.

 

While some people say open RLs are healthy, I say not. It's two roommates who boink and share a bed and matching his/her coffee cups. No "love", just "convenience"....

 

So please, I think it's insulting to call an open RL "loving", "healthy" and/or a "committed" situation. Don't put lipstick on a pig.

 

Oh, and back to the ID couple? Well, they both ended up breaking the "rules" - mostly cuz they were tit-for-tatting each other out of ego and jealousy. The wife got with a co-worker of her and her husband (all of them were deputy sheriffs) and co-worker got obsessed with her and killed her husband in the line of duty. Co-worker was also a big shot at the workplace (like her and her husband)...so, combine egos and guns and you end up dead. That's why they weren't supposed to mess with co-workers and the wife got mad and broke the rules to make hubby jealous. Well, she got him jealous and killed.

 

So yep, open RLs never end with a "happy ending" for all parties involved...(ironic - the term "happy ending")

[jen1447]

Gloria ....!

 

I'm a poly/open girl with great success. Totally loving, healthy and committed to all my peeps.

[Auspecial]

I think that if this works for you great. I don't think I could ever be ok with that type of relationship. Kudos to you for not harboring any jealousy towards her exploits.

 

I would however be concerned for you on the unprotected sex she is having with other men....I would suggest an amendment to your mutual agreement, and ask that she protects not only herself but you as well.

 

I have a friend who while in the process of an amicable divorce, was sleeping with this other guy who gave her the chlamydia, and then before she knew she had it, slept with her ex and gave it to him, who then unknowingly gave it to the girl he was sleeping with.

 

STD's are nothing to be nonchalant about! Please protect yourselves and others!

 

 

I like this

[Gloria25]

Gloria ....!

 

I'm a poly/open girl with great success. Totally loving, healthy and committed to all my peeps.

 

Well, I've considered taking up more than one guy at a time so that I wouldn't have to keep all my eggs in one basket and to have "someone" available when the others where with their SO or somewhere else, but eh, I'm a one-man-woman.

 

Years ago, with my 6 yr guy I saw other guys, but he was my main squeeze. But, one day he asked if I was seeing other people and when I was like "yep" he was so disappointed/upset, so I said I'd just be with him. ***pfft*** But, not like he was gonna stop having sex with other women over me... That's men for ya....they want you to stay put while they play and keep their penis wet.

[Gloria25]

For anyone that doesn't know, this situation is called Cuckold or just Cuck.

 

Yep, that was another point I was gonna bring up about "open" RLs -which is its usually one person wanting to have the freedom to sleep around and the other person tolerates it or is just on it for the ride cuz they don't wanna lose the other person...

 

The OP already said there was an 11 yr age gap - with him being the older one, so while he may "think" he is in a RL, he's probably a "sugar daddy" to some chick who's playing him and several other guys. She's got one buying her lunch, one paying her rent, etc....

[davidromero43]

Well, I've considered taking up more than one guy at a time so that I wouldn't have to keep all my eggs in one basket and to have "someone" available when the others where with their SO or somewhere else, but eh, I'm a one-man-woman.

 

Years ago, with my 6 yr guy I saw other guys, but he was my main squeeze. But, one day he asked if I was seeing other people and when I was like "yep" he was so disappointed/upset, so I said I'd just be with him. ***pfft*** But, not like he was gonna stop having sex with other women over me... That's men for ya....they want you to stay put while they play and keep their penis wet.

 

When my wife and I first started dating, she had sex with someone else. It was no big deal to her, it was not cheating. But it crushed me. Years later and I still think about it several times a day. I do not know how a man could want that kind of pain.