Show her I've changed or show I've moved on?

[br995]

My ex and I broke up about 3 months ago after a 2 1/2 year relationship mainly because I took her and our relationship for granted. I was jealous, depressed, and even told her I didn't know if I loved her anymore. She said she just couldn't do it anymore, even though she still loved me and could see us getting back together in the future.

 

About one month after we broke up she began seeing someone else. All signs point to it being a rebound (I can elaborate if you would like) and she still tells me she misses me all the time and after 2 weeks of no contact came to me begging to talk to her and help her with her problems since apparently I'm the only one that can.

 

Since we broke up I have turned my life around. I got back on medication and am happier than I have ever been. I'm not jealous, despite her having a new boyfriend, and our conversations and the dynamic of our relationship has returned to exactly how it was when we first began dating.

 

So, my question is, do I admit to her how I feel, tell her I still love her, let her know how much I enjoy being with her and basically act like the boyfriend I should have been so that she knows I have changed, or do I keep my distance and act like I've moved on in hopes that she will fear losing me? I want to be with her, but don't want to risk pushing her away by expressing my emotions.

[westernxer]

...do I admit to her how I feel, tell her I still love her, let her know how much I enjoy being with her and basically act like the boyfriend I should have been so that she knows I have changed, or do I keep my distance and act like I've moved on in hopes that she will fear losing me?

 

Keep your distance and act like you've moved on. Or you can just move on.

[br995]

But my keeping my distance was essentially why we broke up. If I want to get her back, it doesn't really seem that that's the way to go, though everyone says 'distance makes the heart grow fonder'. In this case, distance is what broke us apart and I'm not so sure that it's the appropriate thing to bring us back together.

 

The last time I tried to go no contact, she ended up speaking of me as heartless and thinking even worse of me.

 

 

Then again, maybe there really is no hope of us getting back together and I should try to move on...

[westernxer]

Being thought of as heartless is actually a compliment.

[beesknees]

Is she still with the other bf?

[br995]

Originally posted by beesknees

Is she still with the other bf?

 

Yes. But she says they are taking things slowly, and doesn't really speak highly of him. Knowing the type of person that she is, as well as how hard our breakup was on her, I truly believe that he had nothing to do with it. I also think that she is with him because of the affection he shows her (which I wasn't showing) and not because she's really into him as a person.

[reservoirdog1]

You asked, "show her I've changed or show her I've moved on?"

 

Both, at the same time.

 

Because, all of a sudden you're different and interesting again. Women like to be kept on their toes, it seems, kept guessing a little bit. Which is why so many go for bad boys or rebels.

 

Since it sounds like things are pretty friendly between you two, when I say "moved on" I don't mean be all aloof and unfriendly... be totally upbeat and happy. But also, make it look like you're psyched about your new life... and she'll be naturally curious and want to be involved more in it. Never let her see you when you're not well dressed and well groomed. Make it look like you're the most together guy on the planet.

 

My case is a bit different, because there's uneasy civility between me and my ex wife, and I try to avoid dealing with her where possible. We split a year and a half ago and it's been a turbulent time. But, whenever I see her, I've made sure I'm looking good, smelling good, etc. I haven't given her too much info about my life... I've prefered to let her find things out inadvertently or through other channels. Who or how frequently I'm dating, what new activities I'm involved in, how work's going, etc.

 

My motives are a bit different than yours because part of me is trying to demonstrate to her continually that she had me figured wrong and gave up on a good thing (though not because I want her back... there's a lot more to this than I'm getting into here). A bit immature I realize... but there have been several times over the last year and a half when she's said, "I hear you're doing X.... I had no idea you were interested in that kind of thing." Makes her question the accuracy of her assessment of me, and keeps her guessing. I always get a perverse charge when I hear that from her.

[br995]

Reservoirdog --

 

I understand exactly what you mean, and appreciate your advice. I'm pretty sure that the way to go is to act how I feel toward her, not tell her. Scheming to win her back is wrong and won't work, and I don't want her to leave her current guy for me -- that might result in her still having some feelings for him.

 

My best hope is to show her how I have changed and how I am once again the guy she fell in love with. If that doesn't work, then I still have a great friend in her.

 

Thanks, and best of luck with your situation.

[br995]

Well, we're still talking and things are going great.

 

However, there are a few things I've done that I'm disappointed about.

 

When I talk to her, is it better or worse to make light-hearted jokes about us being together? During our relationship she was so dead-set on our future together and was always bothered by my lack of emotional attachment Example: "well, we'll never get married if you can't entertain me."

 

Do you think it would make her uncomfortable, or make her question the possibility of us getting back together?

 

It's probably important, however, to mention that when she broke up with me she said things about how at our age we shoudn't be thinking about forever and shouldn't rely for all of our happiness on one person.

 

Also, I am not going to contact her for a few days. i've been laying it on thick lately (IMed her away message last night, commented on her journal twice, and called her phone and left a 'prank' message this morning) so really think I need to back off. If part of the reason we broke up is because I acted like I didn't want her in my life, is it still wise to be scarce, at least every once in a while?