Working on marriage while having an affair?

[RoseVille]

Is it possible for a WS to truly be working on his marriage, "figuring things out," trying to make it work (for the kids), because he has a glimmer of hope that they'll find the passion and connection that's been missing for a decade...

 

...if he's still enmeshed in an affair? PA and/or EA? A PA/EA that, by his own words, gives him confidence and is good for his ego, because he feels unwanted and rejected as a man in his marriage?

[Michelle ma Belle]

In my humble opinion...no.

 

Part of working things out with your spouse would include being faithful. If you're not willing to be 100% faithful then why bother? You can't be fully committed to making this work when you're off f*cking another woman with whom you're invested.

 

It's incredibly selfish and counterproductive.

[carhill]

Results vary widely. In my case, in retrospect, I don't think the outcome (divorce) would have been any different regardless of the details. After the time spent in MC and subsequent interactions, getting divorced and reflecting upon those years, I think my exW was done long before my EA and I was just too enmeshed in caregiving to see it. No doubt, sticking it in her face was counterproductive to any successful reconciliation but her lack of substantive anger or hurt underscored that she had emotionally detached long prior and the EA was as good a reason as any, and probably a great one, to get a D and move on to the next iteration. In that vein, I think it worked out perfect.

 

Though I've moved on from the affair milieu, experience indicates to me that a continuing covert or overt affair would be injurious to any substantive reconciliation or marriage-building process. If the marriage was predicated upon monogamy, then monogamy is necessarily part of any healthy continuance of it, barring an agreement to change the parameters of the marriage.

[autumnnight]

To me, that's like working on lung cancer while smoking or working on weight loss while eating cheesecake and pizza.

[jen1447]

I think it could be 'legit' in that he may believe it. Is that what you're getting at (is he being truthful?) or are you asking if it's philosophically sound?

[RoseVille]

I think it could be 'legit' in that he may believe it. Is that what you're getting at (is he being truthful?) or are you asking if it's philosophically sound?

 

I guess, both.

 

Like, could he believe this to be true? Is it even possible/is he dellusional?

[jen1447]

I think he could def believe it. I've never been married so I should probably resist talking about it like I know in terms of marital viability. Seems a little shaky to me tbh, but who knows?

 

I've heard of stranger things (like the open relationship stuff going around), but I can't help but wonder if there isn't some rationalization going on with him. Ppl can rationalize almost anything if they want to.

[elaine567]

If there is a big hole the marriage ie the sex, or an emotional connection then the WS may feel they are "working on the marriage" by getting that fix elsewhere. They may feel they are propping up the marriage.

BUT the fabric of the marriage, ie the bond between husband and wife is weakened, by the introduction of a third party.

Getting the goodies elsewhere, may make the cheater feel better in themselves, but it is most likely doing nothing for the BS. The BS will still be aware of the big hole in his/her marriage AND they will also most likely be aware that the focus of the WS is elsewhere and away from the marriage.

[preraph]

For most women, monogamy and finding that one guy and being with them exclusively is the ideal. For many men, having a wife at home and keeping a variety of affairs on the side is the ideal. Your man is trying to spin this into something you'll believe is therapeutic. It's selfish BS.

 

To me, the acid test is this: If you truly deeply love someone, the very last thing you want to do is hurt them. He knows this hurts you. It's not love.

[GoldieLox]

How can you work on your marriage when your energy and thoughts are being directed at someone else? Working on a marriage entails 100% effort. Boinking someone else, even if it's "just sex", while attempting to fix something else, is not 100% in the slightest. The foundations of the marriage will eventually crumble (not they haven't started to already with the commencement of an affair, but you get the point).

[No Limit]

No. It's just more lies they tell themselves in order to ease their guilt at best; at worst they do the extra effort to make sure their spouse doesn't suspect a thing.

[Gloria25]

If there is a big hole the marriage ie the sex, or an emotional connection then the WS may feel they are "working on the marriage" by getting that fix elsewhere. They may feel they are propping up the marriage.

BUT the fabric of the marriage, ie the bond between husband and wife is weakened, by the introduction of a third party.

Getting the goodies elsewhere, may make the cheater feel better in themselves, but it is most likely doing nothing for the BS. The BS will still be aware of the big hole in his/her marriage AND they will also most likely be aware that the focus of the WS is elsewhere and away from the marriage.

 

So how is the wife going to be allowed to give him what the OW is giving him if he's still getting it from the OW?

 

I guess he doesn't trust the wifey is gonna follow through, so he's not gonna let go of the OW until he sees results? If that is the case, I just recommend that the wifey keep up with any changes she intends to do and see if he bites.

 

See, thing is men don't go off of words, they go off of actions. Worst, if a guy is starving and now his wife "promises" to change, he's gonna be suspicious of her only doing this to get him back and then it's back to starving....

 

I say keep on doing the things to improve the marriage (ie treating him better, sexing - whatever he identified as what was lacking in the RL) and don't mention anything...give it time and when he sees results, the other woman will be toast. Why? Cuz unless he's a greedy dog, why not return to his wife - the woman he has kids, finances, love etc with if wifey now can give him what OW was giving him? Wives have no idea how much power they have to push the OW out of the game.

[whichwayisup]

Is it possible for a WS to truly be working on his marriage, "figuring things out," trying to make it work (for the kids), because he has a glimmer of hope that they'll find the passion and connection that's been missing for a decade...

 

...if he's still enmeshed in an affair? PA and/or EA? A PA/EA that, by his own words, gives him confidence and is good for his ego, because he feels unwanted and rejected as a man in his marriage?

 

No. What's the point of even bothering to try to reconnect and fix the marriage if he/she is still having the affair? It's a lie and it's betrayal and being built under a fake guise.

[ttfn555]

I think they want to believe they are making the effort, mostly if there are kids involved, they don't want to be the bad guy so they appear to go thru the process. The separated man I knew went through a 3rd round of MC and let his wife move back in-he said, now if it all goes down, at least they can see that I tried. Hmmm, that sounds like heartfelt reconciliation doesn't it? I understand that everyone says WS never leave, but no one talks about the eventual outcome of the marriage regardless whether anyone discloses an affair or not, not the statistics involving a AP but a marriage that is not based on honesty and disclosure but just continues...

[still_an_Angel]

I don't see how that could work, there is a third party in a couple's marriage and one person in the "couple" doesn't even know about the third wheel. The couple is supposed to be riding a tandem bike, not a bike with a sidecar.

[sandylee1]

When you say 'enmeshed ' in an affair, I presume you mean the affair is still ongoing? Or do you mean that the affair is over, but the WS still has feelings for the AP?

 

If it's the first then I don't believe a WS can truly and honestly work on the marriage.

[lana-banana]

People who habitually engage in duplicitous behavior (cheaters, embezzlers, spies) are masters of compartmentalization. This guy probably doesn't even see his marriage and his affair as related issues. The worst part is he may be right. It could be his decision to have an affair has nothing to do with his marriage. He may just be a narcissistic attention-seeker who decided to have an affair just for the thrill. Even if he is trying to work on his marriage, he can carry on with the affair because he doesn't believe it's relevant; in his mind, the affair is just about feeling good and having his immediate needs satisfied. It's appalling but I know people with such selfish mindsets exist.

 

Personally, if I were an OW, that would be the last straw. When a guy tells you he's trying to work on his marriage while still jumping in and out of your bed, he's confirming you're a toy. He still wants to play with you whenever he likes and it's okay because that's all it is: play. You're just an ego-stroke and nothing at all compared to what he actually cares about (his marriage).

[MissBee]

Is it possible for a WS to truly be working on his marriage, "figuring things out," trying to make it work (for the kids), because he has a glimmer of hope that they'll find the passion and connection that's been missing for a decade...

 

...if he's still enmeshed in an affair? PA and/or EA? A PA/EA that, by his own words, gives him confidence and is good for his ego, because he feels unwanted and rejected as a man in his marriage?

 

 

Uhh no.

 

That's like someone saying they're working on losing weight while everyday they go to McDonald's and order 2 big mac meals or something.

 

I mean maybe in their mind they WANT to lose weight/work on the marriage but the actual real life actions are totally counterproductive towards that end.

 

What you said is exactly what it is: staying in marriage for kids and having affair for ego boost. That's not genuinely working on your marriage or improving anything about the marriage itself. It is making him feel good and boosting HIS ego but last I checked working on a marriage required that it's beneficial to both people in the marriage and it requires transparency and an honest go by both people with two feet in.

[RoseVille]

If there is a big hole the marriage ie the sex, or an emotional connection then the WS may feel they are "working on the marriage" by getting that fix elsewhere. They may feel they are propping up the marriage.

BUT the fabric of the marriage, ie the bond between husband and wife is weakened, by the introduction of a third party.

Getting the goodies elsewhere, may make the cheater feel better in themselves, but it is most likely doing nothing for the BS. The BS will still be aware of the big hole in his/her marriage AND they will also most likely be aware that the focus of the WS is elsewhere and away from the marriage.

 

Say the big hole in the marriage is sex and emotional intimacy, and that they've been in MC for a long time to discuss those areas and what's missing, very open and direct "this is a problem" type discussions, and yet there's been very little improvement, based on a "that's your issue" attitude from the wife (for WH wanting some more excitement in the otherwise bland/unsatisfying bedroom, and wanting her to initiate sometimes, both of which don't really improve), and "gives in" and says "fine!" and just "gets it over with" when they do engage...

 

...would the BW still be harmed/care if he's seeking fulfillment of the very thing that she's quite blatantly told him he's not going to get from her?

[RoseVille]

So how is the wife going to be allowed to give him what the OW is giving him if he's still getting it from the OW?

 

I guess he doesn't trust the wifey is gonna follow through, so he's not gonna let go of the OW until he sees results? If that is the case, I just recommend that the wifey keep up with any changes she intends to do and see if he bites.

 

See, thing is men don't go off of words, they go off of actions. Worst, if a guy is starving and now his wife "promises" to change, he's gonna be suspicious of her only doing this to get him back and then it's back to starving....

 

I say keep on doing the things to improve the marriage (ie treating him better, sexing - whatever he identified as what was lacking in the RL) and don't mention anything...give it time and when he sees results, the other woman will be toast. Why? Cuz unless he's a greedy dog, why not return to his wife - the woman he has kids, finances, love etc with if wifey now can give him what OW was giving him? Wives have no idea how much power they have to push the OW out of the game.

 

In my case, she made unfulfilled-promises of being willing to change for months before the A started. It was because he saw so little improvement, and forced, chore-like improvement, that he sought the company of someone who clearly enjoyed his company, if only (at the beginning) as friends.

[purplesorrow]

Say the big hole in the marriage is sex and emotional intimacy, and that they've been in MC for a long time to discuss those areas and what's missing, very open and direct "this is a problem" type discussions, and yet there's been very little improvement, based on a "that's your issue" attitude from the wife (for WH wanting some more excitement in the otherwise bland/unsatisfying bedroom, and wanting her to initiate sometimes, both of which don't really improve), and "gives in" and says "fine!" and just "gets it over with" when they do engage...

 

...would the BW still be harmed/care if he's seeking fulfillment of the very thing that she's quite blatantly told him he's not going to get from her?

 

Why can't he blatantly tell her he's going elsewhere?

[RoseVille]

I think they want to believe they are making the effort, mostly if there are kids involved, they don't want to be the bad guy so they appear to go thru the process. The separated man I knew went through a 3rd round of MC and let his wife move back in-he said, now if it all goes down, at least they can see that I tried. Hmmm, that sounds like heartfelt reconciliation doesn't it? I understand that everyone says WS never leave, but no one talks about the eventual outcome of the marriage regardless whether anyone discloses an affair or not, not the statistics involving a AP but a marriage that is not based on honesty and disclosure but just continues...

 

Yes! I read a GREAT post from xxoo yesterday (I think it was an old one, though), where she made a great point in encouraging the WS to tell his W of his affair... that many (if not most) marriages survive infidelity, but so few THRIVE.

 

And then there was a series of statistics by other posters showing how few A's result in divorce, but yet how many (very high number) are really unhappy in the M after the A.

 

I bet this has a lot to do with the lack of full honesty and disclosure. Can't fix what you don't know is broken... or at least, can't fix it completely.

[RoseVille]

Why can't he blatantly tell her he's going elsewhere?

 

He actually did. Or at least told her that he's very, very tempted by other women, and if this doesn't improve, he will. This happened twice in MC, he waited until they were "safe" with a MC before he said this. The MC told them that his feelings were normal. (Not sure that was the right thing to say?) She FREAKED. Promised to get better, to initiate, to be open to sex outside of Saturday-night-in-the-dark-don't-touch-me-there, but it didn't come.

 

Other areas of their M did - comments suggesting disrespect have subsided, for example - but he remained lacking in the sex/connection department.

 

She gets mad if he's late from work, or when he's not there. Not because she wants him around, she wants her husband to be there with the family, but because she needs him to do this, do that, usually childcare related, so that she can go do something else.

 

They're just very disconnected. Roommates, really.

[RoseVille]

When you say 'enmeshed ' in an affair, I presume you mean the affair is still ongoing? Or do you mean that the affair is over, but the WS still has feelings for the AP?

 

If it's the first then I don't believe a WS can truly and honestly work on the marriage.

 

Either, really.

 

During the A, he said they were working on it. I couldn't figure out how that was possible.

 

Then he ended the A, and said he really wanted to work on it. But it's clear he still has feelings (but then again, of course he would - you don't end something with someone that makes you feel good and immediately turn off the feelings, they take time to go away).

 

And he's still sniffing around, and I'm like, "Um, go work on it."

[purplesorrow]

He actually did. Or at least told her that he's very, very tempted by other women, and if this doesn't improve, he will. This happened twice in MC, he waited until they were "safe" with a MC before he said this. The MC told them that his feelings were normal. (Not sure that was the right thing to say?) She FREAKED. Promised to get better, to initiate, to be open to sex outside of Saturday-night-in-the-dark-don't-touch-me-there, but it didn't come.

 

Other areas of their M did - comments suggesting disrespect have subsided, for example - but he remained lacking in the sex/connection department.

 

She gets mad if he's late from work, or when he's not there. Not because she wants him around, she wants her husband to be there with the family, but because she needs him to do this, do that, usually childcare related, so that she can go do something else.

 

They're just very disconnected. Roommates, really.

 

He didn't tell her. He knows her stance and is staying. She didn't hide her feelings. He needs to do the same. She should be given the choice to stay or not just like he has.