Working on marriage while having an affair?

[daisygirl19]

if this is true -- the MC wasn't a waste of time & money, at all.

 

sometimes, a MC point isn't to fix the marriage and bring the couple back together -- sometimes the point is for the couple to understand that the separation is better than staying together.

 

sometimes, the MC can help with an easier exit - as simple as that. it is almost never a waste of time.

 

Excellent point. Thank you.

[ladydesigner]

Is it possible for a WS to truly be working on his marriage, "figuring things out," trying to make it work (for the kids), because he has a glimmer of hope that they'll find the passion and connection that's been missing for a decade...

 

...if he's still enmeshed in an affair? PA and/or EA? A PA/EA that, by his own words, gives him confidence and is good for his ego, because he feels unwanted and rejected as a man in his marriage?

 

I haven't read all the threads so just responding as a BS in this situation. When my WH's A went underground he was telling me we were working on the M and telling MOW that we were having problems. Those two years in R I honestly thought I was in R. While my WH was not the model remorseful husband I still thought he was not in the A. So it may 'appear' like they are working on the M but really are taking away from the M because lies are still being told to cover things up. Passion and connection can't be there as long as there is another person in the picture. In my situation the passion and connection has been gone for a while. I don't think it's possible to work on a M while having an A. It kind of defeats the purpose.

[truncated]

if this is true -- the MC wasn't a waste of time & money, at all.

 

sometimes, a MC point isn't to fix the marriage and bring the couple back together -- sometimes the point is for the couple to understand that the separation is better than staying together.

 

sometimes, the MC can help with an easier exit - as simple as that. it is almost never a waste of time.

 

 

This can be very true, from what I have seen in other couples.

 

One woman I know said that the counseling finally gave her a chance to say all the things she had wanted to, but didn't know how to or was too embarrassed to say. In her case, it gave her a chance to feel like she'd had an opportunity to let her feelings out and know that he heard them.

[truncated]

Roseville - okay I will tell you as someone that was married and had an affair with a married person. We talk. As our relationship grew we talked about different areas of our lives including sex life, or lack there of. Obviously not everyone does but I figured once we decided to share our organs we are going to share all other areas as well.

 

So I didn't see it as any more disrespectful than the initial act. And he may not either. And, for myself, my loyalty was with my MM, not my husband. Now I showed that by separating weeks later.

 

What I don't think one can do, and what he is trying to do, is straddle the fence and say he is working on the marriage. He can't. To work on the marriage he has to have both feet fully planted in it and to give it a fighting chance, be transparent and honest. And he is most definitely not doing that.

 

So he may THINK he is, but I am sure if he leveled with a therapist they would set him straight.

 

My advice, let him work on his marriage. If you want him, and as not the MM, then let him go do that and shut down all communication. Let him see what it feels like to be fully back in the marriage without the soft escape of an OW. The reality and the fantasy are going to be totally different. He shouldn't get to put you both on a shelf and decide what to do. I think take the idea and run with it at 110% percent.

 

I know that is hard and it makes your skin itch for contact but, trust me, the best thing to get what you think you ultimately want, is to follow his plan. What most likely happens, he does nothing and he comes back offering you the same arrangement. Do you want that?

 

I had a friend who had a MM who sounded similar. A lot of waffling, back and forth, "doing the right thing" bs that he told himself, and just ebbed and flowed. He kept jerking her around playing this game so he could seem like a good guy. Okay. Maybe he was conflicted but at some point you need to get on one side of the fence or the other.

 

So the best gift you can give him is knocking him off the fence and not allowing him to straddle it.

 

not only the best gift for him, but for rose as well.

[minimariah]

Excellent point. Thank you.

 

you're welcome! your MM was very clever in that situation & gave the spouse that closure she needed. it can really be a great thing, especially with As involved. i noticed that couples who do MC as a preparation for divorce handle co-parenting better & have a better post-divorce relationship, more drama-free & more friendly, they move on faster in comparison to those who break-up "over night".

 

One woman I know said that the counseling finally gave her a chance to say all the things she had wanted to, but didn't know how to or was too embarrassed to say. In her case, it gave her a chance to feel like she'd had an opportunity to let her feelings out and know that he heard them.

 

THIS. it's important to be heard. it's like letting it all out and closing that door - just ending one phase of your life, dealing with it TOGETHER. not everyone need it, really... but it's definitely helpful. people get tips, opinions... they simply get over the entire situation easily. it's a much needed confrontation and it kind of removes the building resentment.

[Got it]

not only the best gift for him, but for rose as well.

 

I was being somewhat facetious about him. . .

[gettingstronger]

You seem like a nice peson, but you're getting obsessive about this situation. You need a mental time out. Go do something just for you.

[RoseVille]

You seem like a nice peson, but you're getting obsessive about this situation. You need a mental time out. Go do something just for you.

 

Disagree, but you're entitled to your opinion.

[Spark1111]

No you can't work on the marriage while invested in the AP, just as you can't work on committing fully to the AP while still invested in the marriage.

 

just won't work.

 

Sorry, but I believe many a MAP pulls the sympathy card of kids and trying one more time when they want a break from the AP or the affair.

 

Also, complaining of the marriage and spouse while friends is called GROOMING to see how needy and vulnerable you may be his advances.

 

if you go yuck! And recoil in disgust because he is married, he will move onto someone who conveys, "Poor baby! I will rescue you by meeting your needs whenever you express them.

 

Win, Win MAP.

 

Rose, you deserve better. And if I had a nickel for every MM who has played this card, I'd be a Very wealthy woman.

 

yes, I was cheated on and to reconcile, I needed to know ALL his lies. I chastized him not only for his treatment of me, but for his treatment of her!

 

I also have many single and D friends. Imwish I had another nickel for every unhappy MM who told this same, sorry story.

 

want to know the truth of his marriage? ask his wife.

 

 

She was ONLY ever one phone call away. That's what I tell my GFs.

[Mount]

I agree. I strongly believe despite you say on the surface you are ending A with MM, but in your mind you are kind of obsessing with the MM, hoping he wants you back. Just dont turn to be another "scarlet2". That is all.

 

You have created so many threads - assuming you just tried to let it out. But indeed does the affair end or not, or DO YOU even want it to be ended with MM?

 

You seem like a nice peson, but you're getting obsessive about this situation. You need a mental time out. Go do something just for you.

[RoseVille]

I agree.

 

You have created so many threads...

 

And...?

 

Why is this important? I'm bored. I have time on my hands. I'm processing. Move on, already.

[Gargoyle]

No you can't work on the marriage while invested in the AP, just as you can't work on committing fully to the AP while still invested in the marriage.

 

just won't work.

 

Sorry, but I believe many a MAP pulls the sympathy card of kids and trying one more time when they want a break from the AP or the affair.

 

Also, complaining of the marriage and spouse while friends is called GROOMING to see how needy and vulnerable you may be his advances.

 

if you go yuck! And recoil in disgust because he is married, he will move onto someone who conveys, "Poor baby! I will rescue you by meeting your needs whenever you express them.

 

Win, Win MAP.

 

Rose, you deserve better. And if I had a nickel for every MM who has played this card, I'd be a Very wealthy woman.

 

yes, I was cheated on and to reconcile, I needed to know ALL his lies. I chastized him not only for his treatment of me, but for his treatment of her!

 

I also have many single and D friends. Imwish I had another nickel for every unhappy MM who told this same, sorry story.

 

want to know the truth of his marriage? ask his wife.

 

 

She was ONLY ever one phone call away. That's what I tell my GFs.

 

 

I totally agree with all of this, the bolded bit however made me really laugh out loud. So completely true.

[ttfn555]

okay so may she is obsessive about this, many of us are, especially those of us to whom this is entirely new. I was totally awakened by spark1111 comment that the MM usually plays the kid card in going back to wife "one more time", I actually believed the separated man that because I have no frame of reference. I joined LS because I had no idea that what I was going through or the things I had been told is COMMON, it hurts and it makes no sense when someone tells you one thing and does another. Learning the truth hurt a lot, reading other people's stories hurts a lot. I am an educated woman who was a BS and I still didn't see it coming, so I constantly ruminate over every aspect and trust me I have a lot to keep me busy raising 2 kids on my own and working full time, the mind makes time....

[RoseVille]

okay so may she is obsessive about this, many of us are, especially those of us to whom this is entirely new. I was totally awakened by spark1111 comment that the MM usually plays the kid card in going back to wife "one more time", I actually believed the separated man that because I have no frame of reference. I joined LS because I had no idea that what I was going through or the things I had been told is COMMON, it hurts and it makes no sense when someone tells you one thing and does another. Learning the truth hurt a lot, reading other people's stories hurts a lot. I am an educated woman who was a BS and I still didn't see it coming, so I constantly ruminate over every aspect and trust me I have a lot to keep me busy raising 2 kids on my own and working full time, the mind makes time....

 

Yeah, same here.

 

It seems like it's a daily occurrence that I'm told I post too much, and others tell me to go look at so-and-so's threads, or look in other forums.

 

It seems the lesson here for me is: Don't post, just read. Don't get any advice specific to my situation, just read the playbooks and learn from others.

 

Really helpful.

 

Thanks to everyone who's commented on the substance rather than the frequency of my posts.

[truncated]

I get posting so much. It sounds like rose is trying to make sense out of a situation that doesn't really make a lot of sense, and understand the mm and why he is doing what he is doing.

[Got it]

Roseville - I am sorry you are being discouraged from posting. There used to be more OP only boards that allowed one to work through their emotions in a more supportive environment.

 

Love takes some obsessive venting/posting! It is a strong emotion to work through and, trust me, when others are in turmoil they are racking up the posts as well. Just learn to put people on ignore if they really annoy you and take the advice that works for you and leave the rest.

 

I started a journal when we were broken up to help work through everything and to also give me a place to express my emotions without turning to him. Since he had been such a pivotal person in my life, the main person I went to for emotional support, suddenly losing the person is hard! I promise, it does get better. Right now you are in the middle of an angry ocean, waves are hitting you from all sides but if you just ride with it, things will calm and the sun will peek out. I promise.

 

Since I tend to be an analytical person (so strong emotions are very unsettling for me), I also looked at it like needing to learn new muscle memory. So I knew I had to put down new patterns to go over the old patterns. That takes time to become rote so be gentle with yourself.

 

I also (though I can't say I advise it) started doing some casual dating. While nothing came out of it, I have some hilarious stories about myself and made a friend as well. I also realized I was a disaster and dating was not something I should be doing seriously!

 

I can't tell you what will happen, I can't tell you if this will end with him coming back free and clear or not, but what I can promise you, and I do promise this, you will be awesome in the end. No matter what you will have amazing things happen to you in your life, you will have a lot of happiness, and you will thrive. You just have to believe that. You are a hot commodity and if he is too stupid to see that, well then he was always too big a fool to deserve you. You now have the power. If he comes back you can decide if you want him or if you have moved on. And if he doesn't you will know you are better for it. Because you aren't the one in flux, you understand how you think and feel, and you know you have direction. Your life isn't a big sea of mud that you are blindly going through. And just that alone gives you a huge leg up.

 

Try and see the silver linings where you can find them, ride through your emotions, and have faith in yourself. No matter what, you will be happy. I promise.

[Adoraxx]

I think it's a good thing that you're posting much, Roseville! I always like reading your posts and I think it's really stupid that people comment on the amount of posts that someone makes.

[minimariah]

It seems like it's a daily occurrence that I'm told I post too much, and others tell me to go look at so-and-so's threads, or look in other forums.

 

no such thing as posting too much!

post, post and post some more. it can be super therapeutic & your words can help a lot of folks out there who are here lurking - so it's never in vain.

 

be obsessive, overanalyze everything, write daily about whatever you want - it is your right and no matter how your situation ends -- it will benefit you. it's always easier just... getting your thoughts together and sending them out there, you know? it brings you clarity.

 

the WORST thing you can do is to keep quiet and keep it all inside. so, keep posting.

[MuddyFootprints]

There is a lot to be gained from taking some time to just "be still". A quieting of the mind can be healing as well.

[jen1447]

I count ten threads anyway ....big deal, there are quite a few members going at a pace that puts that to shame.

 

You are a hot commodity and if he is too stupid to see that, well then he was always too big a fool to deserve you.

Interesting thought, but probably the reason he doesn't want to let her go is because she's such a hot commodity.

[Got it]

I count ten threads anyway ....big deal, there are quite a few members going at a pace that puts that to shame.

 

 

Interesting thought, but probably the reason he doesn't want to let her go is because she's such a hot commodity.

 

Yes maybe. But it is also knowing that not letting her go is not the same as having her "locked down" in a relationship that both parties are happy with.

 

So yes he is hanging on, potentially I don't know if he is, but that doesn't mean what he is offering is enough for her now.

[Got it]

There is a lot to be gained from taking some time to just "be still". A quieting of the mind can be healing as well.

 

Okay. But if one wanted that then they would do it.

 

 

In general, there is also something to "if one has nothing nice to say don't say anything at all" but that seems to be selectively utilized by posters.

[RoseVille]

There is a lot to be gained from taking some time to just "be still". A quieting of the mind can be healing as well.

 

Contrary to what you think, I don't spend 24/7 thinking about this.

 

I have hobbies, work, friends and family. I focus on each of those more than I do MM. But that doesn't mean it's something I should "be quiet" about.

[MuddyFootprints]

It sounded to me as though you were starting to make yourself a little crazy with all the thoughts running through your head.

 

BTDT, so I thought I was recognizing something I apparently was not.

 

Carry on.

[RoseVille]

It sounded to me as though you were starting to make yourself a little crazy with all the thoughts running through your head.

 

I don't know why you'd think that. There's nothing to suggest I'm going crazy; I feel far less emotional about all of this that what I read from others. I'm actually pretty rational given the misleading road I went down.