Working on marriage while having an affair?

[truncated]

It sounds very much like he has basically threatened her that if she doesn't satisfy him sexually and give her what he needs, he will walk, then is ticked that she isn't enthusiastic about it.

 

Perhaps she is one of the people who view sex between a husband and wife as a very deeply bonding experience, and that is where she gets the most satisfaction from.

 

Now she's being expected to do that under threat and is also expected to enjoy it and ( pardon my saying so) thank him for giving her the opportunity to do so?

 

If she doesn't, he runs her down?

 

Poor woman is probably crying inside each time they are intimate. He's likely reduced her to feeling lower than the dirt under a worm's belly, but can't show him that, as if she does, she's scared he'll leave and she loves him.

 

What kind of a man treats a woman that way?

 

Meanwhile, her marriage and life are being dissected, first by the woman he was cheating on her with, and now on a discussion board and seen by thousands of people.

[RoseVille]

It sounds very much like he has basically threatened her that if she doesn't satisfy him sexually and give her what he needs, he will walk, then is ticked that she isn't enthusiastic about it.

 

Perhaps she is one of the people who view sex between a husband and wife as a very deeply bonding experience, and that is where she gets the most satisfaction from.

 

Yes, she "makes love." She does not "have sex" or "****." It's always a special, serious thing for her.

 

So understandably, she's not too keen on feeling pressure to do it to meet his needs. She wants it to be a bonding experience.

 

He wants the trifecta: sometimes f'ing, sometimes sexing, sometimes making love.

[jellybean89]

He actually did. Or at least told her that he's very, very tempted by other women, and if this doesn't improve, he will. This happened twice in MC, he waited until they were "safe" with a MC before he said this. The MC told them that his feelings were normal. (Not sure that was the right thing to say?) She FREAKED. Promised to get better, to initiate, to be open to sex outside of Saturday-night-in-the-dark-don't-touch-me-there, but it didn't come.

 

Other areas of their M did - comments suggesting disrespect have subsided, for example - but he remained lacking in the sex/connection department.

 

She gets mad if he's late from work, or when he's not there. Not because she wants him around, she wants her husband to be there with the family, but because she needs him to do this, do that, usually childcare related, so that she can go do something else.

 

They're just very disconnected. Roommates, really.

 

No. She knows he was going to seek it (sex, connection, feeling desired AT ALL) elsewhere. I didn't know it at the time, but he did have his eyes on me (we were already close and spending time together as work-friends), but assumed I'd never go there with him. (Wish he was right...) She was trying to prevent him from going outside the marriage. Her efforts bought her some time, but months later when he saw it was all talk, that her desire for him was lacking, that she was "going through the motions" sexually, the A started.

 

I think her libido is probably normal, all other things being equal. Throw in the house, kids, all their activities and her own, and she is just... exhausted? Turns into, "OMG, you're such a horndog, get off me! I need sleep!" or "Fine, okay, just hurry up." Or when it comes to blow jobs, she'd just silently get on her knees in front of him while watching TV, and he'd be all "Woah! Yessss!" and she'd say something like, "Well, you said you needed this or you'd be leaving, so here you go." And then he couldn't stay hard, knowing it was a chore she was checking off the list.

 

You are tormenting yourself on something that you cant possibly know the full story about and may never know.

 

 

Did it ever occur to you that he may be the reason she has no desire for him? And, by that I mean something about the way he treats her or has treated her.

 

 

For all you know he is abusing her. Do you think he would tell you that? That's just one example. There are too many to even list them that could be at the bottom of their problems.

 

 

The main problem right now is that he is not all in and she likely senses that at some level even if she hasn't figured out he is cheating.

 

 

He sounds very immature to be sharing his marital troubles with everyone around the lunch table or whatever setting you're talking about. Even that, for all you know that's his way of "broadcasting" to see who the available affair partners are who take the bait.

 

 

Agree with velv....there is no way you have the "truth" of any of their MC sessions or what he has said to her and her response. I'm gob smacked at how much you believe every word out of his mouth...the mouth of a lying cheater.

 

He sounds like quite a jerk who thinks he's entitled to be blown daily and you seem to be lapping up every drop that comes out of him.

 

Step back and really look at what you are writing...he has you believing so much garbage. Do you think he is gonna tell you the truth about his relationship with his wife? How eager would you be to have sex with him if you knew he was doing his wife every which way? Come on, you are smarter than this. Stop listening to him. Go ask his wife how their MC sessions were...see if she tells you the same far fetched story he told you.

 

Yea, this guy is "so desperate" to be with his kids, yet how much time does he even spend with them when he's with the mistress..either physically or via text? Man, he's so full of crap.

[RoseVille]

Agree with velv....there is no way you have the "truth" of any of their MC sessions or what he has said to her and her response. I'm gob smacked at how much you believe every word out of his mouth...the mouth of a lying cheater.

 

99.999999% of it came long before the EA part of the A even began.

 

He sounds like quite a jerk who thinks he's entitled to be blown daily and you seem to be lapping up every drop that comes out of him.

 

Nope. More like, every few months. On her own, without having to ask.

 

Step back and really look at what you are writing...he has you believing so much garbage. Do you think he is gonna tell you the truth about his relationship with his wife?

 

Yup, I sure do. I haven't given the entire history here in this thread, but I have provided many more details in others. I have no doubts he's been honest with me. We were each looking for FWB, it was clear he'd never leave his family, I was okay with it - he didn't need to lie.

 

Yea, this guy is "so desperate" to be with his kids, yet how much time does he even spend with them when he's with the mistress..either physically or via text? Man, he's so full of crap.

 

Our time together was only during work hours.

[garfish99]

I once had an affair 3 years into my decade long relationship. I had many excuses- one was feeling neglected. You know what saved my relationship? Cutting off ALL contact from the OM immediately and putting ALL my focus into regaining my partner's trust. Even when it took years.

 

What he's doing makes as much sense as getting sex elsewhere because your current sex life together hit a rut. Instead of doing any work to spice things up, you just...get it elsewhere. That doesn't make any sense.

 

Interestingly enough, I read polyamorous forums and blogs regularly and I noticed that many of them end their secondary relationships or stop dating others when their primary relationship is in trouble. They have many experiences of having outside partners ethically, so I would think that they have the right idea.

Edited May 17, 2015 by garfish99

[jen1447]

Agree with velv....there is no way you have the "truth" of any of their MC sessions or what he has said to her and her response. I'm gob smacked at how much you believe every word out of his mouth...the mouth of a lying cheater.

 

He sounds like quite a jerk who thinks he's entitled to be blown daily and you seem to be lapping up every drop that comes out of him.

 

Step back and really look at what you are writing...he has you believing so much garbage. Do you think he is gonna tell you the truth about his relationship with his wife? How eager would you be to have sex with him if you knew he was doing his wife every which way? Come on, you are smarter than this. Stop listening to him. Go ask his wife how their MC sessions were...see if she tells you the same far fetched story he told you.

 

Yea, this guy is "so desperate" to be with his kids, yet how much time does he even spend with them when he's with the mistress..either physically or via text? Man, he's so full of crap.

 

How is it that she knows so little, but with the same criteria you know so much? Rose can at least claim some intimate firsthand knowledge of the situation, but for you it's all hearsay and speculation, and yet you're claiming more absolutes than she is.

[garfish99]

I meant to edit this into my post. I had a decade long relationship, and we tried the whole polyamorous route at the end of our relationship. He had depression and felt dissatisfied with everything in his life and started taking it out on me. He tried to "fix" things by putting all his attention on the other woman (who he met on Okcupid long after we agreed to an open relationship). He thought it would be a way of giving us both space. He got more attached to her, and then just lost interest in our relationship entirely. He tells me now that he regrets it, and that he was just trying to fix the relationship. I feel that this is what your guy is doing to the wife.

[minimariah]

Yes, she "makes love." She does not "have sex" or "****." It's always a special, serious thing for her.

 

So understandably, she's not too keen on feeling pressure to do it to meet his needs. She wants it to be a bonding experience.

 

He wants the trifecta: sometimes f'ing, sometimes sexing, sometimes making love.

 

long story short -- they both f*cked up, aren't a good match. he can't give her what she wants, can't fulfill her emotional needs and she can't give him what he wants, can't fulfill his needs. on top of everything, add his A + depression and disconnect that started during the financial troubles. they're both wrong, didn't deal with the problems when they should've and that's pretty much it.

 

will they make it? well..... i somehow doubt it. will he actually divorce and leave her? that's another story.

 

don't trouble yourself with it. you move on with your life, don't even think about it... i know you can't really stop yourself but try to distance yourself as much as you can. if he wants you? let him come to you. until then? others fishes in the sea.

[Hope Shimmers]

I haven't read this whole thread, just this last page, but I think this is way TMI detailed about the BS and her sexual life with her husband.

 

This poor woman doesn't even know she's being cheated on. Think of her humiliation if she knew this thread existed, where you (OP) are sharing details of the hearsay that you get from your MM about his wife about her sexual inhibitions, how she is so lacking in terms of her intimacy with her husband, etc. Man, this stuff is JUST SUPPOSED to be PRIVATE. Not fodder delivered by the woman her husband is cheating with for a bunch of strangers on an internet forum.

[jen1447]

Relax, no one's naming names here and there are only 100,000 other couples who match the description. And this is a discussion forum specifically intended for this kind of discussion. And Rose is actually withholding info to protect identities, and by the sound of it it's info that would help her make her points more effectively.

 

Also the BS knows about the cheating.

[RoseVille]

I haven't read this whole thread, just this last page, but I think this is way TMI detailed about the BS and her sexual life with her husband.

 

This poor woman doesn't even know she's being cheated on. Think of her humiliation if she knew this thread existed, where you (OP) are sharing details of the hearsay that you get from your MM about his wife about her sexual inhibitions, how she is so lacking in terms of her intimacy with her husband, etc. Man, this stuff is JUST SUPPOSED to be PRIVATE. Not fodder delivered by the woman her husband is cheating with for a bunch of strangers on an internet forum.

 

Sigh. Are you serious?

 

Are you really serious? Have you read ANY portion of this forum? This is what people talk about. Shoot, I think I just read another thread where you specifically were reading a MM the riot act for not giving MORE detail about his sex life to the readers, and as such, didn't believe his "story."

[RoseVille]

long story short -- they both f*cked up, aren't a good match. he can't give her what she wants, can't fulfill her emotional needs and she can't give him what he wants, can't fulfill his needs. on top of everything, add his A + depression and disconnect that started during the financial troubles. they're both wrong, didn't deal with the problems when they should've and that's pretty much it.

 

will they make it? well..... i somehow doubt it. will he actually divorce and leave her? that's another story.

 

don't trouble yourself with it. you move on with your life, don't even think about it... i know you can't really stop yourself but try to distance yourself as much as you can. if he wants you? let him come to you. until then? others fishes in the sea.

 

I appreciate your posts, Mariah. It wasn't until recently that I realized why... the whole therapist angle.

 

And yes, I think you're right.

[minimariah]

Rose, may i ask - are you dating? is that something you would be interested in right now...? the relationship with the MM aside.

[jwi71]

99.999999% of it came long before the EA part of the A even began.

 

Doesn't make it true - it only removes one potential motivation for withholding truth.

 

Case in point...what is the name of his previous A partner? H witholds information he decided you didnt need to know. Better believe that is the norm. It is targeted half-truth telling for his beenfit.

 

The point is....you would not be the first OW to believe everything told only to be gobsmacked when the OW gets the whole story - aka a convo with the BS.

 

Nope. More like, every few months. On her own, without having to ask.

 

Hope speaks to this as well...but wow, TMI ya know.

 

 

Yup, I sure do. I haven't given the entire history here in this thread, but I have provided many more details in others. I have no doubts he's been honest with me. We were each looking for FWB, it was clear he'd never leave his family, I was okay with it - he didn't need to lie.

 

Needing to lie and actually lying are not the same. I know it sounds like splitting hairs but we need to be careful with whom we have full faith and trust. He isn't worthy of that from you. He's proved it.

 

(quick, the name of his previous A partner? Get where I'm going here...he's NOT fully honest with you)

 

To answer you initial Q though...it is IMPOSSIBLE to work on the M whilst having an A. Some great analogies have been previously given.

[RoseVille]

Hope speaks to this as well...but wow, TMI ya know.

 

I just... can't even.

 

Speaking to the frequency of sex or talking about performing blow jobs in a way that makes him/her feel like it's a chore is suddenly TMI within the infidelity/OW forums?

 

Oooookayyyyy...

 

(quick, the name of his previous A partner? Get where I'm going here...he's NOT fully honest with you)

 

How is that a lie? Telling me (i didn't ask) he's not going to identify her, how is that a lie?

[Hope Shimmers]

Sigh. Are you serious?

 

Are you really serious? Have you read ANY portion of this forum? This is what people talk about. Shoot, I think I just read another thread where you specifically were reading a MM the riot act for not giving MORE detail about his sex life to the readers, and as such, didn't believe his "story."

 

*SIGH* Yes, I'm serious.

 

And yes, I've read "ANY" portion of this forum, as despite what my registration date says, I've been a member here for the last many years, posting and reading, which is many years longer than you have.

 

I just don't see the point in dissecting her life online in detail. She isn't your issue. I never did that with ex-MM's W. I avoided talking about her; she wasn't the issue and she didn't deserve that from me. I don't see how your dissecting her in detail, listing all the hearsay that MM told you, is helpful to you or anyone. You don't even know what is true and what isn't, even if you think you do (I know I thought I did, but I learned differently).

[RoseVille]

*SIGH* Yes, I'm serious.

 

And yes, I've read "ANY" portion of this forum, as despite what my registration date says, I've been a member here for the last many years, posting and reading, which is many years longer than you have.

 

Oh, really? How would you know? How do you know we're not in the same boat? Huh? You'd be wrong about that.

 

I just don't see the point in dissecting her life online in detail.

 

I'm merely answering questions with the detail necessary to put them in perspective.

Edited May 17, 2015 by RoseVille

[RoseVille]

Rose, may i ask - are you dating? is that something you would be interested in right now...? the relationship with the MM aside.

 

I'm trying.

 

But it's not working out so well. I cancelled a date this past week because I felt strange about opening up to another man, couldn't even stomach the thought of him walking me home and trying to plant a kiss on me.

 

I hope it gets better going forward. I did have a guy get my number and start texting yesterday, but something seemed "off" about him. I think I'm hyper-alert to guys who I think might have "singular interests."

[jen1447]

LOL - I'm starting to get tempted to play devil's advocate in all this.

Dooooo iiiiitttt...

 

Umm, lol, to hopefully steer this back on course from the bizarre turn it's taken , let me assure you I'll post a topical reply that attempts to look at things from MM's perspective soon, hon. Probably tomorrow.

[RoseVille]

Umm, lol, to hopefully steer this back on course from the bizarre turn it's taken , let me assure you I'll post a topical reply that attempts to look at things from MM's perspective soon, hon. Probably tomorrow.

 

Bizarre, indeed! I look forward to it.

[MuddyFootprints]

My hope for you is that you quickly come around to thanking your lucky stars he didn't choose you.

 

Can you just imagine the stories he'll be telling his next opportunity?

 

 

Your analysis paralysis is more than a little concerning. Perhaps you might consider some professional help to move through this in a more healthy manner?

[Hope Shimmers]

Relax, no one's naming names here and there are only 100,000 other couples who match the description. And this is a discussion forum specifically intended for this kind of discussion. And Rose is actually withholding info to protect identities, and by the sound of it it's info that would help her make her points more effectively.

 

Also the BS knows about the cheating.

 

Please don't tell me to relax. I'll express my opinion if and when I want to. I don't need your assumptions as to why I'm posting.

 

Respect is respect, internet forum or not. You have never been married either, so you wouldn't get it. If and when you ever are, and if or when you get cheated on, let's see how great you would feel if the OW/OM (not sure what gender you want to put there) shares endless details about YOUR life online for everyone in the world to read, when that part of your life with your spouse was supposed to be intimate and private.

[Sassy Girl]

 

Your analysis paralysis is more than a little concerning. Perhaps you might consider some professional help to move through this in a more healthy manner?

 

Spot on. Said it far better then I could.

[RoseVille]

My hope for you is that you quickly come around to thanking your lucky stars he didn't choose you.

 

Can you just imagine the stories he'll be telling his next opportunity?

 

 

Your analysis paralysis is more than a little concerning. Perhaps you might consider some professional help to move through this in a more healthy manner?

 

More than a little concerning? It's only been like two weeks since we broke up. I don't think I'm supposed to be over it already. Do you? Really? If you're able to move on from a relationship where you were in love that easily, good for you. But I have some residual stuff I'm working through, and will be working through. Sh*t, there are posters here starting threads for the first time a year after they split. Give me some patience, please.

 

And I have a therapist. I use LS as my in-between.

[RoseVille]

Please don't tell me to relax. I'll express my opinion if and when I want to. I don't need your assumptions as to why I'm posting.

 

Respect is respect, internet forum or not. You have never been married either, so you wouldn't get it. If and when you ever are, and if or when you get cheated on, let's see how great you would feel if the OW/OM (not sure what gender you want to put there) shares endless details about YOUR life online for everyone in the world to read, when that part of your life with your spouse was supposed to be intimate and private.

 

So now we must be married to understand anything?!

 

It's an ANONYMOUS board. No identifying details have been given. We ALL share details about our lives that are necessary for context.

 

I'm done with the bullying. You can continue posting in my threads, as it's your right. But know that I can't see those posts anymore, so if your goal is to influence my thinking, it's falling on blind eyes.