Working on marriage while having an affair?

[Hope Shimmers]

So now we must be married to understand anything?!

 

It's an ANONYMOUS board. No identifying details have been given. We ALL share details about our lives that are necessary for context.

 

I'm done with the bullying. You can continue posting in my threads, as it's your right. But know that I can't see those posts anymore, so if your goal is to influence my thinking, it's falling on blind eyes.

 

Swoosh... point flew over your head. Not surprised.

 

Yes, you have to have experience with marriage to understand and make judgements on it, which is what you are doing.

 

I don't need your permission to continue posting in your threads, but thanks anyway. Not surprised that you can't deal with my posts and have to ignore them - ignore away.

[jen1447]

Please don't tell me to relax. I'll express my opinion if and when I want to. I don't need your assumptions as to why I'm posting.

 

Respect is respect, internet forum or not. You have never been married either, so you wouldn't get it. If and when you ever are, and if or when you get cheated on, let's see how great you would feel if the OW/OM (not sure what gender you want to put there) shares endless details about YOUR life online for everyone in the world to read, when that part of your life with your spouse was supposed to be intimate and private.

 

Totally anonymous details. I still don't get what the issue is there.

 

Anyway fair enough, but could you please afford Rose the same respect you expect from others? This has quickly devolved into a fairly nasty gang attack that has little basis of justification.

[Hope Shimmers]

Totally anonymous details. I still don't get what the issue is there.

 

Anyway fair enough, but could you please afford Rose the same respect you expect from others? This has quickly devolved into a fairly nasty gang attack that has little basis of justification.

 

I gave my opinion, same as I do for other posts; she didn't like it. It was not meant as an attack; she took it as one. I haven't seen this level of revealing and analyzing every detail of BS being "not good enough in the marriage sexually or intimately" on a thread in a long time. It's just wrong. I was actually embarrassed and humiliated for her after reading it. It's just wrong, as she isn't here to offer her side, and she doesn't even know the other side is being dissected publicly.

[truncated]

Yes, she "makes love." She does not "have sex" or "****." It's always a special, serious thing for her.

 

So understandably, she's not too keen on feeling pressure to do it to meet his needs. She wants it to be a bonding experience.

 

He wants the trifecta: sometimes f'ing, sometimes sexing, sometimes making love.

 

It can eb all those things, but the bond can still be there.

 

 

That's the thing, as long as a married man is ( or his wife thinks he is) still in an affair or the threat of "if you don't do what I what, when I want and how I want, I'm going to leave" the bond can never be there.

 

In her place, in her situation, do you think she would feel like she could bond with him, or would you feel terrible, and perhaps, even violated in a way?

 

It would be one thing if he told her he was committed 100% to giving it his best shot at making it work and the affair was over, but if someone is still having an affair while trying to reconcile, I just don't see how that could work.

[RoseVille]

It can eb all those things, but the bond can still be there.

 

 

That's the thing, as long as a married man is ( or his wife thinks he is) still in an affair or the threat of "if you don't do what I what, when I want and how I want, I'm going to leave" the bond can never be there.

 

In her place, in her situation, do you think she would feel like she could bond with him, or would you feel terrible, and perhaps, even violated in a way?

 

It would be one thing if he told her he was committed 100% to giving it his best shot at making it work and the affair was over, but if someone is still having an affair while trying to reconcile, I just don't see how that could work.

 

I think her feelings are justified, valid, and I'd feel the same way. I told him as much.

 

And yes, I agree.

[truncated]

I think her feelings are justified, valid, and I'd feel the same way. I told him as much.

 

And yes, I agree.

 

Has he tried to tell you that he can have both you and her and that things will be okay in his marriage?

 

If he has, isn't that kind of disrespectful to you? It's like telling you taht he wants his marriage, but wants you too, and assumes you'll be okay with that.

[MuddyFootprints]

It's not a problem for me. You are struggling and if my best friend was going through this, I'd tell her the same thing.

 

Sometimes the truth is difficult to accept. I get it.

[RoseVille]

I started this thread with the intent of confirming that it's impossible to work on a marriage while also being engaged in an A, or attempting to keep it going. I did this in the hopes of giving me strength to stay away. From many of your posts, I've realized it doesn't matter if a MM sincerely thinks he can work on his M while in an A (but is kidding himself all the same), or if he's using it as an excuse to be a cake-eater and make himself look like a good guy who's trying. Fact is, it just cannot be done; in order to work on his M, he'd have to have both feet in, and as long as he's in an A, he's still on the fence. At least here, where the "work" necessary has to do with their "connection," he cannot rebuild that connection, while maintaining one outside his M.

 

I've also spent a good deal of time unnecessarily defending myself for being present for MM's admission and even posting here in the first place.

[RoseVille]

It's not a problem for me. You are struggling and if my best friend was going through this, I'd tell her the same thing.

 

Sometimes the truth is difficult to accept. I get it.

 

I never said I wasn't. I'm fully aware of that. You're stating the obvious, in a really condescending way.

[RoseVille]

Has he tried to tell you that he can have both you and her and that things will be okay in his marriage?

If he has, isn't that kind of disrespectful to you? It's like telling you taht he wants his marriage, but wants you too, and assumes you'll be okay with that.

 

No, he hasn't. He's never really intimated that he believed things could be okay in his M... Rather, it was more about him finding a place where he could accept the state of his M. Or maybe that's the same thing?

 

When the A started, and largely pre-A, he'd say they were "working on it." He started the affair when they were working on it. That was my primary question in starting this thread; how could he be working on it, and actively seeking a connection/sex outside his M, at the same time? Not even so much starting to work on it during the A, but working on it and THEN starting an A.

 

Later, when he ended the A, he said he had to end it with me so that he could "really work on it." He said that he'd been unable to work on it during the A, because his emotional attachment to me was making it difficult for him to even want to work on it at home/with his W, but that he had to make it work.

[MuddyFootprints]

And you are being reactive and defensive without being truly introspective.

 

Do some reading, Rose. Do some work on your thoughts and feelings internally, then try to talk to us with some clarity, understanding, and empathy.

 

A lot of us have been there. We're just trying to help.

[RoseVille]

And you are being reactive and defensive without being truly introspective.

 

This thread isn't about me. So why would I need to be introspective in it, if not asked questions specific to me? It's about understanding the MM and his thinking.

 

Do some reading, Rose. Do some work on your thoughts and feelings internally, then try to talk to us with some clarity, understanding, and empathy.

 

I have. I am.

 

A lot of us have been there. We're just trying to help.

 

Some of you are trying to help. Some of you are getting your kicks out of kicking me, KNOWING THAT I'M DOWN.

[jen1447]

Don't worry sister, I got your back.

 

I'd PM this to you except yours don't seem to be up yet, so I'll say here instead that I suggest you just go quiet for a while and let the dust settle.

Edited May 17, 2015 by jen1447

[MuddyFootprints]

I've got your back, too. But I refuse to coddle you out of this.

 

It is about you.

 

I don't give a rat's ass about this douchebag MM.

[Sassy Girl]

This thread isn't about me. So why would I need to be introspective in it, if not asked questions specific to me? It's about understanding the MM and his thinking.

 

 

 

I have. I am.

 

 

 

Some of you are trying to help. Some of you are getting your kicks out of kicking me, KNOWING THAT I'M DOWN.

 

You are spending far too much energy analysing the wrong person. You don't need to understand MM and his thinking... Start analysing you and your choices and actions. Learn how to avoid ever getting caught in this situation again. you are on the perfect path to STAY DOWN if you dont shift your focus. You're obsessing and it's not healthy.

[velvette]

No, he hasn't. He's never really intimated that he believed things could be okay in his M... Rather, it was more about him finding a place where he could accept the state of his M. Or maybe that's the same thing?

 

When the A started, and largely pre-A, he'd say they were "working on it." He started the affair when they were working on it. That was my primary question in starting this thread; how could he be working on it, and actively seeking a connection/sex outside his M, at the same time? Not even so much starting to work on it during the A, but working on it and THEN starting an A.

 

Later, when he ended the A, he said he had to end it with me so that he could "really work on it." He said that he'd been unable to work on it during the A, because his emotional attachment to me was making it difficult for him to even want to work on it at home/with his W, but that he had to make it work.

 

 

More than likely he was tired of working on it or frustrated by their inability to resolve their issues. Having an A is a lot more fun(at least in the beginning) than doing the hard work required to fix a marriage that is in some kind of stalemate or power struggle.

 

 

And honestly, what he told you when he ended the A, sounds like something a therapist would have told him.

[ttfn555]

I agree, it is very similar to my situation, he felt he had to try one more time, so we mutually agreed to break up. He contacted me during MC saying how much he missed me etc. sent flowers, dropped by my house saying "honey, i'm home", then, no more contact for 2 months- I will not initiate, I understand that I have no place in their marriage or attempt at reconciliation. But I obsess over it daily, not understanding why you choose to be unhappy, unfulfilled, but then again, in my marriage, I never had the chance to work it out. I think we get obsessed with what's going on because we only heard one side and it sounded pretty terrible yet they are choosing it.

[jwi71]

Some of you are trying to help. Some of you are getting your kicks out of kicking me, KNOWING THAT I'M DOWN.

 

I am truly sorry you feel this way. It is NOT AT ALL the intent.

I know that is of little comfort - and possibly not even believed.

 

This thread isn't about me. So why would I need to be introspective in it, if not asked questions specific to me? It's about understanding the MM and his thinking.

 

Ok. What will you get IF you somehow manage perfect or even 50% understanding of your xMM? How does that help YOU? How is YOUR life better?

 

Do you want to know he truly madly deeply loved you but "couldn't" leave?

Do you want to know he just used you?

What?

What "truth" can you learn about xMM that will help you?

 

Of course, the simplest solution is the one not taken.

 

Why not ask HIM? And since he doesn't lie to you, you're guaranteed to have the answer. So why not simply ask him? Seems silly to have all theses threads when the answer is almost literally down the hall.

[whichwayisup]

I started this thread with the intent of confirming that it's impossible to work on a marriage while also being engaged in an A, or attempting to keep it going. I did this in the hopes of giving me strength to stay away. From many of your posts, I've realized it doesn't matter if a MM sincerely thinks he can work on his M while in an A (but is kidding himself all the same), or if he's using it as an excuse to be a cake-eater and make himself look like a good guy who's trying. Fact is, it just cannot be done; in order to work on his M, he'd have to have both feet in, and as long as he's in an A, he's still on the fence. At least here, where the "work" necessary has to do with their "connection," he cannot rebuild that connection, while maintaining one outside his M.

 

I've also spent a good deal of time unnecessarily defending myself for being present for MM's admission and even posting here in the first place.

 

I've got your back, too. But I refuse to coddle you out of this.

 

It is about you.

 

I don't give a rat's ass about this douchebag MM.

 

This pretty much sums it up. ^^

 

So, MM's marriage is being worked on, he's putting effort into his wife, trying to fix things, reconnect and all, he's happier too because he's having an A on the side to give him the ego feed he's so used to getting...

 

Let me ask you this, how is that helpful for you? How does it make you feel that he's not putting effort into YOU, romancing and investing in YOU? See, this affair is so damaging and all you see his how helpful the A is to him but you can't see how shi.tty this situation is for you. You're getting the short end of the stick.

[sandylee1]

Thanks for being honest about wanting him if he left his wife.

 

I believe you were being told how the wife doesn't satisfy him and about the type of sex he would like and all the other stuff about her , because he was grooming you for an affair.

 

An example - It's like when women find a guy they'd like to have an affair with and tell him how bad the husband is, that he abuses her, is mean, she's too afraid to leave him. She starts confiding in the guy as a friend first, telling him intimate details of her relationship. How unhappy she is, no affection from her husband etc . She's saying this to gain sympathy, so that once in the affair she doesn't get pressurised to leave. As to do so would be 'dangerous', the controlling H would get violent, that he'd even kill her. This keeps the the OM quietly in the affair or makes him so mad he seeks out the husband and kills him in order to protect her and be the KISA. There have been so many of these stories and I've never heard of a case where the alleged abuse was true. It's manipulation to get what the person wants.

 

I can't imagine a wife who wanted to genuinely make her marriage improve actually saying that she was only giving a BJ because he'd leave otherwise. That's just bull. No way would you say while in the act of giving it. He's saying it to make you think things are so bad and he's being very insulting to her. Anyone with half a brain knows that would kill the mood. It makes her sound crazy and makes you feel more sorry for him. So you can give the BJ.

 

But the stories were getting the desired effect . Keeping you in the affair and making you feel like the rescue ranger, who satisfies his sexual needs.

 

Rose - I mean no disrespect here, but for you to believe EVERYTHING he tells you is really naive.

He's telling lies and cheated on his wife of many years more than once. Why do you find it impossible for him to lie to you? Do you think he'd never ever cheat if he was married to you?

[sandylee1]

Some of you are trying to help. Some of you are getting your kicks out of kicking me, KNOWING THAT I'M DOWN.

 

Rose, I honestly don't feel anyone is trying to kick you. I and others are trying to get you to see the situation for what it is.

Because you are so in love with the MM, you're so close to the screen and can't see the whole picture.

 

I really do get that your hurting right now and I've tried to be careful with my words, because I don't want to hurt you further.

 

If you've ever watched the quiz show 'who wants to be a millionaire,' There's a lifeline called 'ask the audience '. You've done just that and most of us have told you, 1) a WS can't work on their marriage while in an affair and 2) that you can't believe he's telling you the truth about his wife/marriage.

The majority are almost always right. Do you think we're all wrong about the second point on this occasion?

 

Again, I'm not intending you any distress, disrespect or trying to kick you while you're down.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Is it just me...or does anyone else find it over the top TMI from a supposed co-worker when most of this intimate details of the MM sex life happened? That of course it is the "truth"....because the "affair" hadn't happened yet!

 

Like who tells their co-workers which positions, how often, what their spouse said during sex over the coffee break? Like F.... WHO?

 

That is what I find the most absurd and quite frankly crude. I wouldn't give a co-worker the time of day if he started telling me this crap. Not only would I find the co-worker crude... I would find those that would sit, listen, interjecting their "help"...just as crude. Who the F has these types of convos.....on the job?

 

To be honest...I am appalled at the level of busybodiness of a lot of people. Often....the same people who state not to tell the spouse of a cheating partner because it is none of your business....go on and on and on....about the marriage, sex life, personality, what the BS made for supper, whether or not the BS said this or that....but don't see that as intrusive!

 

I just don't get the mental gymnastics.

 

Obviously....the WS can not work on his marriage, when their side of the street is not being fully looked at or cleaned up. Is it really that much of a debate?

[Babs22]

Later, when he ended the A, he said he had to end it with me so that he could "really work on it." He said that he'd been unable to work on it during the A, because his emotional attachment to me was making it difficult for him to even want to work on it at home/with his W, but that he had to make it work.

 

RoseVille - It sounds like you have come to realize that what he said above is true. I can attest that it is very true. I am in an A with a MM. My emotional attachment is with MM. I would have to break that, end that to even try to form an emotional attachment with my H. It would most likely take a lot of time for me to get over my emotional attachment with MM so I could work on it. So, your exMM was being pretty honest about that. His counselor may have told him that, but your exMM knows it to be true. I hope the longer you are not in this A, the easier it is for you to move on as well. I don't see a future for you with this MM. He wants to work on his M. I do believe that most MM do not leave their marriage for an AP. That has been my experience as well.

[Poppy47]

NO NO NO.

 

He is full of CRAP. He just wants it all.

 

Poppy.

[sandylee1]

I just wanted to say, to those saying Rose discussing details of the marriage is disrespectful and unhealthy, I don't disagree, however, the affair itself is disrespectful and unhealthy anything else is just gravy.

 

These boards are anonymous and if Rose is trying to gain an understanding of MMs thoughts, she isn't doing anything that the majority of OW haven't done. Of course the BS would be mortified that her sex life is being discussed, but she'd be mortified her H is having an affair. Remember MM usually has to tell OW things aren't great in the sack, otherwise why seek out sex elsewhere.

 

If my H was having an affair, of course I wouldn't be surprised he'd discuss our sex life with the OW. It's called justification.

 

Please note - I say what I have being objective. I'm not and have never been the OW.