How can I stop ruminating about my ex boyfriend?

[vanilla27]

We were together for a year. He was emotionally manipulative and cheated on me twice, neglected me for video games, seemed to base the relationship mostly on sex. He was flirty texting other girls and over time I felt worthless and began antidepressants. We're both uni students, and when we were drunk I found the courage to stand up to his tactless insults and ridicule/belitting. This happened several times over two months and he couldn't handle the arguments (probably because he loves control) so he dumped me. Seven months later I've made progress but I still resent him leaving me when I needed him the most. I gave him everything, including my virginity which was important to me and he pressured me into. When he broke it off and told me he 'hopes I get the help I clearly so desperately need', I felt so pathetic and wanted to hurt myself. I see him around at uni. He seems blissfully happy despite everything he did to me. Initially we said we'd be friends and I chose not to voice how wronged I felt, and he told me he'll never find a girl better than me as she doesn't exist. However, a couple of weeks later we fell out because I asked if he'd cheated again and he got angry and we argued. I reached out to try and be civil with him recently, and he read my message but ignored it. It really hurts that he ignored my message. With other people he has ever fallen out with, he has had the tendency to forgive and forget, so it makes me think that me finally voicing my opinion and telling him he is selfish and that I will be better off in the long run without him was too harsh. Though none of it was untrue. I feel worthless. I can't stop thinking about it him ignoring me, as though I'm not worth a response. My friend sent me screenshots of her talking to him on Facebook (apparently for my benefit..) and he seems very lovely and sweet, as he did with me in the beginning. She is very attractive and he barely knows her, so to me it's clear he is trying to manipulate her too. Why did he choose to ignore me when I tried to reach out, given that for all he knows now I am perfectly happy and have overcome my depression? My message had said something along the lines of 'just to let you know, there's no hard feelings, hope everything goes well for you in the next few weeks with our last exams!' and I would have appreciated a reciprocal comment given that we ended on such a terrible, horrible note of hatred. How can I let it go? He did such awful things to me and made me feel like I am nothing, so if all was right in this situation he'd be the one missing me and feeling awful about himself, not vice versa.

 

Mostly, I am wondering why he didn't respond to me. He has always advocated 'forgive and forget', and with other people, he forgave them straight away. Admittedly, I did hurt his ego more than anyone ever has. Initially after we broke up we remained friends (I was too afraid to be completely honest about how I felt towards him having been a bad boyfriend... I just didn't voice it and acted as though everything had been fine) but then when I asked if he'd cheated again that's when he said I'm horrible and doesn't want me in his life. I just want to know why. Having said all of this, sometimes he was so sweet, he would text me throughout the day every day and we had a good laugh together. He was my first proper boyfriend and I know he did care about me, even if it isn't in the way that I deserve. What should I do? I want to forget him, but I can't seem to. It hurts that he seems to have forgotten me. My text would have implied that I'm fine and completely indifferent towards him now, too. Thank you for reading!

Edited May 15, 2015 by vanilla27

[aloneinaz]

You need to move on w/your life and STOP spending so much energy thinking about a guy you discribe as a lousy BF. I get he was your first BF and sexual partner. We all have them and all move on afterwards.

 

I think you also need to do some work on yourself and your self esteem/confidence. It's not unusal at all for people to ignore a text or phone call from an ex. Stop over thinking it. He doesn't OWE you a reply to a question.

 

You're young and have your whole life ahead of you. You're in college w/plenty of other single guys to engage with. Focus your energy on the self improvement you think you need and find your next love.

[Satu]

I don't remember where I found this, but I think its appropriate to your situation.

 

 

Connect – connect with the people around you: your family, friends, colleagues and neighbours. Spend time developing these relationships.

 

Be active – you don't have to go to the gym. Take a walk, go cycling or play a game of football. Find the activity that you enjoy and make it a part of your life.

 

Keep learning – learning new skills can give you a sense of achievement and a new confidence. So why not sign up for that cooking course, start learning to play a musical instrument, or figure out how to fix your bike?

 

Give to others – even the smallest act can count, whether it's a smile, a thank you or a kind word. Larger acts, such as volunteering at your local community centre, can improve your mental wellbeing and help you build new social networks.

 

Be mindful – be more aware of the present moment, including your feelings and thoughts, your body and the world around you. Some people call this awareness "mindfulness", and it can positively change the way you feel about life and how you approach challenges.