bs and post a recovery

[norudder]

Reading the "spouse" thread and thinking how the triangulation has really messed with me. Healing from a D is hard, healing from an A is hard. Healing from both is very hard. I think part of me is obsessing over him her and their M to avoid thinking of my own life. She and I had a lot of similarities and the areas where we were different are areas I would like to be better. I hate that part of me thinks she and I would've been friends in other circumstances. He talked about her too much and I was too masochistic to stop him.

 

I am starting my life over and the things I would like to do I haven't been able to bring myself to do because I associate it with her/them and it keeps me from enjoying it. For example, cooking. I was never a great cook but enjoyed trying different recipes for my family. I was so stressed and depressed during divorce I stopped cooking and now its just me and quickie meals when I have my daughters. Now when I think about planning a meal I think about how exMMs wife took all these gourmet cooking classes and made these great dinners. Its something I wouldve liked to do. How can I find enjoyment in it now?

 

Im a sensual person but not very coordinated. I always thought a dance class would be fun. ExMM called his W his "dancing queen" she loved to dance and took a strip class for him in their earlier days. Dammitt.

 

All the things I would do to boost my confidence make me feel more insecure. Like no wonder he stayed with her. I would too. Why the hell was he cheating on her with me. I shouldn't care about why I wasn't good enough for a broken man, but knowing this stuff about her makes me feel less special despite his words of how awesome I was. He said that i listened to him was what turned him on the most about me. Gee, thanks. Life is great, you just need sex and a therapist. I stopped the sex he got a therapist and havent heard from him since.

Maybe she would just see me as the skanky ow with nothing to offer that she couldn't. Maybe that's how he'll see me too. It shouldn't matter but how can I feel good about what I do offer when it seems less than and changes to improve trigger me?

 

(I realize a bs would have it so much worse, ie how to enjoy sex with ws again etc. Nobody wins. Except mm it seems)

Edited May 15, 2015 by norudder

[goodyblue]

Reading the "spouse" thread and thinking how the triangulation has really messed with me. Healing from a D is hard, healing from an A is hard. Healing from both is very hard. I think part of me is obsessing over him her and their M to avoid thinking of my own life. She and I had a lot of similarities and the areas where we were different are areas I would like to be better. I hate that part of me thinks she and I would've been friends in other circumstances. He talked about her too much and I was too masochistic to stop him.

 

I am starting my life over and the things I would like to do I haven't been able to bring myself to do because I associate it with her/them and it keeps me from enjoying it. For example, cooking. I was never a great cook but enjoyed trying different recipes for my family. I was so stressed and depressed during divorce I stopped cooking and now its just me and quickie meals when I have my daughters. Now when I think about planning a meal I think about how exMMs wife took all these gourmet cooking classes and made these great dinners. Its something I wouldve liked to do. How can I find enjoyment in it now?

 

Im a sensual person but not very coordinated. I always thought a dance class would be fun. ExMM called his W his "dancing queen" she loved to dance and took a strip class for him in their earlier days. Dammitt.

 

All the things I would do to boost my confidence make me feel more insecure. Like no wonder he stayed with her. I would too. Why the hell was he cheating on her with me. I shouldn't care about why I wasn't good enough for a broken man, but knowing this stuff about her makes me feel less special despite his words of how awesome I was. He said that i listened to him was what turned him on the most about me. Gee, thanks. Life is great, you just need sex and a therapist. I stopped the sex he got a therapist and havent heard from him since.

Maybe she would just see me as the skanky ow with nothing to offer that she couldn't. Maybe that's how he'll see me too. It shouldn't matter but how can I feel good about what I do offer when it seems less than and changes to improve trigger me?

 

(I realize a bs would have it so much worse, ie how to enjoy sex with ws again etc. Nobody wins. Except mm it seems)

 

Okay... this is going to sound terrible but f*^k her. AND him!

 

You.do not focus on their relationship which is clearly dysfunctional (ahem, he had an affair). We all have things to offer, things we excel at and things we suck at. There are things about my guy's ex that i find better than me, she.cooked more, she is thinner than i am, I could go on. Abd i.actually ended up with my guy!

 

The truth is, you had what he needed at the time. It is.time to.move forward. If you want to take cooking classes, you take them! And you crush it! And do NOT do it for him. Do it for yOu!

 

I see your time going.through the D and leaving the A as YOUR time! So grab it by the bad boys and enjoy every second. Let the bad stuff GO.

[Hope Shimmers]

Okay... this is going to sound terrible but f*^k her. AND him!

 

You.do not focus on their relationship which is clearly dysfunctional (ahem, he had an affair). We all have things to offer, things we excel at and things we suck at. There are things about my guy's ex that i find better than me, she.cooked more, she is thinner than i am, I could go on. Abd i.actually ended up with my guy!

 

The truth is, you had what he needed at the time. It is.time to.move forward. If you want to take cooking classes, you take them! And you crush it! And do NOT do it for him. Do it for yOu!

 

I see your time going.through the D and leaving the A as YOUR time! So grab it by the bad boys and enjoy every second. Let the bad stuff GO.

 

Yep. I second this.

 

She has no corner on the market of cooking and dancing. And those two caught my eye, because they are two things I do as well. I'm an amateur chef and love to cook. Never took a class, but I watch FoodNetwork and learned it all there. Recently, after a lot of practice, I made the semifinals for the TV show Chopped.

 

And before the A sucked most of the life out of me, I danced on a rock/hip hop dance team here that is very popular does a lot of well attended shows in various places. I'm going to get into it again. Take that class! Who CARES if she cooks or dances?!?!!!! Remember, she got the consolation prize (your ex-MM) and you got your freedom from a crappy relationship with a lying cheater.

 

DO it!!!!

[Ifalltopieces]

It saddens me to read your post...I understand feeling like your not good enough, but the truth is, YOU ARE. This isn't about worthiness. It's about selfishness, comfort and cowardness.

 

Your xAP spouse, may be the Martha Stewart, Gordon Ramsey and dancing queen of her block, but what does she REALLY have? She has a lying, cheating "husband". Her cooking and dancing abilities will never make him change.

 

You need and should do all the things you wanna do! This is about your life and what you want. If you choose to not pursue the things you want, your letting them win. The best revenge is showing that selfish prick what he missed out on. Shine like the beautiful woman you are and find someone that loves you like you deserve to be loved

[Sub]

Don't do things to compete with her. She may be great, and that's fine. No need to do what us men do all the time and get into a hypothetical pissing contest. I'm sure there are things you'd be great at as well. You don't need to compete with anyone. Just find your own awesome, your own niche in these fields. Not everyone digs "gourmet". Some of us prefer comfort foods.

[truncated]

Don't compare yourself with her, as it will only make you feel worse.

 

Look at and list all the positive about you,without the words " his wife " or "her" involved anywhere in your thoughts.

 

what are your positives? What are you good at, in your own right? What makes you happy and brings a smile to your face?

 

You were good at many things before the affair, and it didn't change that. Do the things that you enjoy and make you happy.

[ladydesigner]

(((norudder))) we all have our special qualities. I'm sure you have many that the BS does not have. We are all unique individuals. FWIW I am on the flip side of this and I tend to compare myself to the MOW in the same type of way. It doesn't help any of us to do that (no matter what side we are on). We need to be happy about ourselves and what we have. No one person is better than another.

 

I hope you do get out there and get into all the things that make you feel excited about life!

[norudder]

It saddens me to read your post...I understand feeling like your not good enough, but the truth is, YOU ARE. This isn't about worthiness. It's about selfishness, comfort and cowardness.

 

Your xAP spouse, may be the Martha Stewart, Gordon Ramsey and dancing queen of her block, but what does she REALLY have? She has a lying, cheating "husband". Her cooking and dancing abilities will never make him change.

 

You need and should do all the things you wanna do! This is about your life and what you want. If you choose to not pursue the things you want, your letting them win. The best revenge is showing that selfish prick what he missed out on. Shine like the beautiful woman you are and find someone that loves you like you deserve to be loved

 

MM said something almost exactly like this to me. I don't think he realized how arrogant and patronizing it sounded coming from him. Then it was "live your life but I'm coming for you when I can". So of course he looks like martyr for staying for the kids but setting me free, looks good on his word if/when he ever divorces (or she divorces him is more likely), and the poor guy who lost it all because ive moved on. He's a master.

 

Thank you for your post. I appreciate your and everyone else's support and perspective. Its helped shift my thinking a bit.

[Josmatjes]

There was a reason he was attracted to you. You obviously had something she was lacking. You see, it doesn't matter if she cooks or dances....was she a nice person? A good communicator? A loving spouse? Dancing and cooking don't make you great...those are just things....anybody can go dancing or take a cooking class..

 

What makes you special is what is inside! Who you are?

 

Take the cooking class for you, because it's a passion of yours, don't let others choose your path! Set an example for your kids that if you really want something you should go for it!!

[norudder]

(((norudder))) we all have our special qualities. I'm sure you have many that the BS does not have. We are all unique individuals. FWIW I am on the flip side of this and I tend to compare myself to the MOW in the same type of way. It doesn't help any of us to do that (no matter what side we are on). We need to be happy about ourselves and what we have. No one person is better than another.

 

I hope you do get out there and get into all the things that make you feel excited about life!

 

Thank you for extending your kindness from "the other side"

[norudder]

Yep. I second this.

 

She has no corner on the market of cooking and dancing. And those two caught my eye, because they are two things I do as well. I'm an amateur chef and love to cook. Never took a class, but I watch FoodNetwork and learned it all there. Recently, after a lot of practice, I made the semifinals for the TV show Chopped.

 

And before the A sucked most of the life out of me, I danced on a rock/hip hop dance team here that is very popular does a lot of well attended shows in various places. I'm going to get into it again. Take that class! Who CARES if she cooks or dances?!?!!!! Remember, she got the consolation prize (your ex-MM) and you got your freedom from a crappy relationship with a lying cheater.

 

DO it!!!!

 

Congrats on the semifinals, very cool. Thank you for pointing out the gift of freedom even if I didn't realize it at the time

[norudder]

Okay... this is going to sound terrible but f*^k her. AND him!

 

You.do not focus on their relationship which is clearly dysfunctional (ahem, he had an affair). We all have things to offer, things we excel at and things we suck at. There are things about my guy's ex that i find better than me, she.cooked more, she is thinner than i am, I could go on. Abd i.actually ended up with my guy!

 

The truth is, you had what he needed at the time. It is.time to.move forward. If you want to take cooking classes, you take them! And you crush it! And do NOT do it for him. Do it for yOu!

 

I see your time going.through the D and leaving the A as YOUR time! So grab it by the bad boys and enjoy every second. Let the bad stuff GO.

 

This was fantastic and made me laugh, thank you!

[goodyblue]

This was fantastic and made me laugh, thank you!

 

Sorry bat the . Where a space should be. I am on my stupid phone. But my point stands... we all have wonderful parts to us. Rock it, smile, enjoy the wonderful things.

 

You.Will be ok. It is all about attitude.

[GirlStillStrong]

I have a general rule I live by. NEVER, never EVER compare yourself to someone else. You are your own special, unique self, with your own strengths, and yes weaknesses, your own gifts and your own beauty. You are irreplaceable. She is not better than you. It is not accurate to only look at her strengths or talents. She is just as flawed as everyone else and she has weaknesses and challenges just like you and me.

 

I was actually reading an article about this same thing with young women in this country who are on FaceBook and see only the pretty and perfect pictures people post there and believe that those pictures represent other people's realities. But people don't post ugly pictures of themselves. They post the good times, the beautiful shots, and it's misleading. People are always striving to be perfect and it's unattainable. The article told the story of a young girl in college who actually killed herself, threw herself off a tall building because of this constant comparing to others and never being able to compete.

 

Anyway, I know you're not going to jump off a building. I just wanted to say how bad comparing yourself to others is, and how in our society it is a problem. Focus on you, your hopes and dreams, and working towards the life you want to have.

 

I also want to say thank you to everyone who has posted on this thread. I just love how supportive, positive, and encouraging folks are here.

[ttfn555]

So true! Listen to everyone, we have all been there in some fashion, i've been BS and OW(sort of I think) and in the end, it is never about the AP or the BS, who is better, who is more attractive, smarter, talented etc. It truly is about the WS, the selfish one, the one who wants it all or parts of each to fill some void in themselves. Loving yourself first is the most important thing, and how strong you are for having endured what you have! Have compassion and let it go....