Crush has GF

[OctEmber]

I recently met a guy and developed feelings for him almost instantly. He's sweet, charming, charismatic, generous, funny, etc... I could go on and on. We hit it off really well from the start. A few weeks into our friendship (which included in person encounters as well as very harmless - really - chat online) I found out that he's in a relationship. Our chats never included any real personal info, just small talk. I thought he was being sweet to me because he may have had some feelings developing for me as well so to find out that he's in a relationship (he told me without my asking) was kind of a mind blower. I literally wanted to throw my phone across the room I was so shocked and upset. I really like this guy and thought we were headed somewhere... then BOOM! I don't feel as though he was playing me. I think he just may be a really nice guy and I read too much into things. My fault.

 

 

Now, I KNOW I can't progress our "relationship" any further considering he's already in a relationship. I have NO intentions of doing so. I do not want to be the other woman and I don't know if he'd even try to take it that far and I'm not going to find out. Believe me on that.

 

 

My issue is what to do from here. I really do like this guy and feel as though we could be good friends if/when my feelings for him simmer down some. We have a lot in common and chat about those things, not personal details. I should also add that I know the standard answer seems to be let him go, find someone else, avoid contact, etc. I cannot just move on from him. It's a situation where I can't possibly avoid running into him from time to time. So anyway, what would you do in this situation. Say he contacts me online, should I still chat (again, we've never once talked about personal/emotional matters - just small talk)? In an ideal world I would eventually like to tell him I feel so strongly about him, but again out of respect for his situation I will need to bite my tongue. I just don't want to be rude by ignoring him completely considering I will see him in person eventually. He'll be wondering why I've stopped communicating. I'm so lost.

[Satu]

Other people's men are other people's men.

[minime13]

I thought he was being sweet to me because he may have had some feelings developing for me as well so to find out that he's in a relationship (he told me without my asking) was kind of a mind blower.

 

He told you he was in a relationship at one point without you asking. He got the vibes from you and shut it down, but it seems like he's still cool with chatting with you and keeping things very impersonal.

 

Are you cool with that?

 

If so, then be his friends. If you have feelings for him and are looking at this situation as a way of hanging on until he's single again, don't, because that's deceitful.

 

For what it's worth, he probably wouldn't be surprised if you stopped contacting him, because he told you he had a girlfriend for a reason. So, if you can handle just being a friend, then do it. If not, don't.

[minime13]

He told you he was in a relationship at one point without you asking. He got the vibes from you and shut it down, but it seems like he's still cool with chatting with you and keeping things very impersonal.

 

Are you cool with that?

 

If so, then be his friends. If you have feelings for him and are looking at this situation as a way of hanging on until he's single again, don't, because that's deceitful.

 

For what it's worth, he probably wouldn't be surprised if you stopped contacting him, because he told you he had a girlfriend for a reason. So, if you can handle just being a friend, then do it. If not, don't.

 

After reading some of the previous posts you've put on this forum, I'm going to add to this. I'm not trying to be mean, but seeing as how you've been in this situation before, I think you need a little come to Jesus talk.

 

Chasing other people's men is inappropriate. The last post you had on this board, a couple of years ago, had the same theme. You like a guy who was in a relationship, and you wanted to become a closer friend because, if his relationship didn't work out, you think you would be perfect for each other.

 

That's not okay. It's deceitful, and it is disrespectful to him and his current relationship. You don't befriend someone because one day they may be available and you can date. That's not right. If someone is taken, they are taken. Move on.

 

Please don't make this a pattern, and become that girl. Number one, nobody takes that girl seriously - especially not men. Number two, it's just inappropriate and disrespectful. How would you feel if you were the girlfriend and one of his crushes was trying to become closer friends with him because they may be able to date once you break up?

 

Walk away from this, learn some respect for yourself and other people, as well as relationship boundaries.

[d0nnivain]

I think the fade out is your best bet. If your interactions are primarily on line, just don't respond.

[stillafool]

 

 

I cannot just move on from him. It's a situation where I can't possibly avoid running into him from time to time. So anyway, what would you do in this situation. Say he contacts me online, should I still chat (again, we've never once talked about personal/emotional matters - just small talk)? In an ideal world I would eventually like to tell him I feel so strongly about him, but again out of respect for his situation I will need to bite my tongue. I just don't want to be rude by ignoring him completely considering I will see him in person eventually. He'll be wondering why I've stopped communicating. I'm so lost.

 

So what? When you run into him speak and keep it moving. I don't think you can be his friend because you want more. You can't help how you feel about him so stay away from him.

[preraph]

I recently met a guy and developed feelings for him almost instantly. He's sweet, charming, charismatic, generous, funny, etc... I could go on and on. We hit it off really well from the start. A few weeks into our friendship (which included in person encounters as well as very harmless - really - chat online) I found out that he's in a relationship. Our chats never included any real personal info, just small talk. I thought he was being sweet to me because he may have had some feelings developing for me as well so to find out that he's in a relationship (he told me without my asking) was kind of a mind blower. I literally wanted to throw my phone across the room I was so shocked and upset. I really like this guy and thought we were headed somewhere... then BOOM! I don't feel as though he was playing me. I think he just may be a really nice guy and I read too much into things. My fault.

 

 

Now, I KNOW I can't progress our "relationship" any further considering he's already in a relationship. I have NO intentions of doing so. I do not want to be the other woman and I don't know if he'd even try to take it that far and I'm not going to find out. Believe me on that.

 

 

My issue is what to do from here. I really do like this guy and feel as though we could be good friends if/when my feelings for him simmer down some. We have a lot in common and chat about those things, not personal details. I should also add that I know the standard answer seems to be let him go, find someone else, avoid contact, etc. I cannot just move on from him. It's a situation where I can't possibly avoid running into him from time to time. So anyway, what would you do in this situation. Say he contacts me online, should I still chat (again, we've never once talked about personal/emotional matters - just small talk)? In an ideal world I would eventually like to tell him I feel so strongly about him, but again out of respect for his situation I will need to bite my tongue. I just don't want to be rude by ignoring him completely considering I will see him in person eventually. He'll be wondering why I've stopped communicating. I'm so lost.

 

If he contacts you, you'll know he's a cheater. Then will you still want him? You shouldn't. He gets good marks for telling you he's taken, but if he pursues you after he's told you he's taken and you let him, you're just setting yourself up for heartache with a guy who isn't faithful.

[OctEmber]

Thanks for the good advice to those who offered it.

 

 

He told you he was in a relationship at one point without you asking. He got the vibes from you and shut it down, but it seems like he's still cool with chatting with you and keeping things very impersonal.

 

Are you cool with that?

 

If so, then be his friends. If you have feelings for him and are looking at this situation as a way of hanging on until he's single again, don't, because that's deceitful.

 

For what it's worth, he probably wouldn't be surprised if you stopped contacting him, because he told you he had a girlfriend for a reason. So, if you can handle just being a friend, then do it. If not, don't.

I guess the only way to know if I can handle being a friend and nothing more is to see how it goes. I'm not going to reach out to him anymore, but we'll see how things go on his side in terms of speaking to me. As I said, I can't avoid him 100%, but I will take the good advice I was given and will back off as much as I can. At the end of the day, if I can't handle it, I will need to cutoff contact completely somehow - even if it means ignoring him when I see him.

 

I think the fade out is your best bet. If your interactions are primarily on line, just don't respond.

That's what I was initially thinking, but I worry about the day that I run into him and he asks me what's up. I suppose I could tell him I've been busy or that I forgot to respond? I don't know....

 

So what? When you run into him speak and keep it moving. I don't think you can be his friend because you want more. You can't help how you feel about him so stay away from him.

You're right, I can't help how I feel even though some people make it sound like I can. I'm a firm believer that you can't help who you fall for. Who in their right mind would fall for someone knowing full well they can't have them? After going what I've gone through, what I'm going through right now, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Some people (not saying you) apparently are perfect and never have had to deal with this. I will try the fade out and see how it goes.

 

If he contacts you, you'll know he's a cheater. Then will you still want him? You shouldn't. He gets good marks for telling you he's taken, but if he pursues you after he's told you he's taken and you let him, you're just setting yourself up for heartache with a guy who isn't faithful.

I agree, I'm glad he told me instead of stringing me on.

[Satu]

You're right, *I can't help how I feel even though some people make it sound like I can. *I'm a firm believer that you can't help who you fall for. Who in their right mind would fall for someone knowing full well they can't have them?

 

*Nonsense. People stop themselves falling for the wrong people every day of the week. As human beings we have the ability to override our emotions when necessary. Its one of the reasons we are able to construct societies that mostly work.

 

Stop sizing up other people's boyfriends, and you won't keeping getting into the same situations. Thats how you can help how you feel.

 

They are taken.

 

Direct your attention elsewhere.

Edited May 16, 2015 by Satu

[Popsicle]

Every single crush I've ever had, I found out that the guy was taken. Wait until he crushes your heart and then you'll learn your lesson to find out asap if they are taken or not. The longer you sit on it and pine for him before finding out if he's taken, the more crushed you will feel once you find out (not to mention tempted to get into a love triangle with him, which will only end with you being hurt). The sooner you find out he is taken, the quicker you can abort the crush without any damage to your feelings. And when I say soon, I mean like day one.

[La.Primavera]

I would make a conscious decision to stop thinking about him. Easier said than done I know, but hear me out.

 

For every second you spend thinking about how you should behave around him, building a friendship, getting to know him and investing your emotions, you could be spending on finding an available guy.

 

I think that you should refocus your energy on someone that will make you happy. There are plenty of single guys out there that are even more sweet, charming, charismatic, generous, funny than this guy.

 

You deserve to have a boyfriend and not wasting your time pining over someone you can't have. Trust me, there are plenty more where he came from. Right now this guy is getting in the way of you finding your own happiness.

 

I wouldn't waste another second on him.

[lana-banana]

The good part about unrequited love is that it's all our own doing, and just as we became infatuated without anyone else, we can heal without anyone else too. I think you may need to rein in your imagination a little. Now of course all relationships are partially imaginary in the early stages, as we become infatuated with someone and let our wildest dreams fill in the blanks, but I think you may have gone a bit overboard.

 

We hit it off really well from the start. A few weeks into our friendship (which included in person encounters as well as very harmless - really - chat online) I found out that he's in a relationship. Our chats never included any real personal info, just small talk. I thought he was being sweet to me because he may have had some feelings developing for me as well

 

Read the italicized text followed by the bold text. By your own admission there was nothing flirtatious going on and you were just making small talk, but you thought he was developing feelings for you? I'm highlighting this because it may help you understand how your imagination is playing an exaggerated role.

 

so to find out that he's in a relationship (he told me without my asking) was kind of a mind blower. I literally wanted to throw my phone across the room I was so shocked and upset. I really like this guy and thought we were headed somewhere... then BOOM!I don't feel as though he was playing me. I think he just may be a really nice guy and I read too much into things. My fault.

 

Saying you thought you "were headed somewhere" when you'd had nothing but small talk is a bit much, but it's good that you acknowledge you did indeed read too much into things.

 

As an aside: when someone tells you so quickly that they're in a relationship, they are telling you in no uncertain terms they have no interest in you romantically and would like you to back off.

 

Now, I KNOW I can't progress our "relationship" any further considering he's already in a relationship. I have NO intentions of doing so. I do not want to be the other woman and I don't know if he'd even try to take it that far and I'm not going to find out. Believe me on that.

 

You know he has no intention of establishing any kind of romance with you. He told you he has a girlfriend. He is setting boundaries and you need to respect them.

 

My issue is what to do from here. I really do like this guy and feel as though we could be good friends if/when my feelings for him simmer down some. We have a lot in common and chat about those things, not personal details. I should also add that I know the standard answer seems to be let him go, find someone else, avoid contact, etc. I cannot just move on from him.

 

It's worrisome that you "cannot just move on" from someone with whom you had no relationship. It was small talk. You were just chatting, and yet you can't move on? If you are so emotionally attached to someone who was barely even a friend, it's that much more important to disengage immediately.

 

It's a situation where I can't possibly avoid running into him from time to time. So anyway, what would you do in this situation. Say he contacts me online, should I still chat (again, we've never once talked about personal/emotional matters - just small talk)? In an ideal world I would eventually like to tell him I feel so strongly about him, but again out of respect for his situation I will need to bite my tongue. I just don't want to be rude by ignoring him completely considering I will see him in person eventually. He'll be wondering why I've stopped communicating. I'm so lost.

 

I would continue to make small talk sporadically only when he initiates and then go on my way. I doubt he'll wonder why you stopped communicating. Like another poster said, he evidently sensed your romantic interest and wanted to put a stop to it, so if anything he's probably expecting you to simmer down.

 

Yes, everyone falls for people they can't have sometimes. (I'm a prime example; my current boyfriend was in a serious relationship when I realized I was in love with him!) But I notice you've made multiple posts about longing for guys with girlfriends, and in one you mentioned wanting to be his "friend" so you'd be around just in case his relationship ended. That's dishonest and manipulative. I think you should seriously consider your pattern of behavior and try to understand why you're still going after men you can't have, who are clear that they don't want you, and building up these potential love stories in your head.

[d0nnivain]

That's what I was initially thinking, but I worry about the day that I run into him and he asks me what's up. I suppose I could tell him I've been busy or that I forgot to respond? I don't know....

 

If you run into him & he's stupid & socially inappropriate enough to ask when any sane person would know the fade out means lack of interest you tell him the truth: You didn't realize he had a GF & you were never interested in being just friends.