Had the "talk" with ex - results still inconclusive, but not looking bad either.....

[eastern_mystique]

Quick synopsis: ex broke up with me nearly 2 months ago, after a 3 month relationship. Have remained close friends since, only made out with each other once (when we were somewhat drunk). but overall don't like being friends as it feels wrong to me, really want a second chance. So under pretense of hanging out and watching a DVD, asked him to come over a few days ago so I would have opportunity to have the "talk" with him.....

 

Well, the ex met me after college today and came back to my place. I cooked, we watched a film, played a board game. The body language signs were good coming from him, as they always are, but I've learnt not to take those as being a serious indication of anything - nothing major just lots of eye contact, him hovering around me as I was cooking and even helping out with it, and when I stood next to the heater he came and stood next to me.

 

The difficult part was yet to come and I was anticipating it with dread. I had to excuse myself during the film to make an emergency phone call to my friend, asking her frantically "I really want to talk to him about us getting back together but I'm absolutely terrified!!! Should I do it or not???" She said I should - that if you never try you never know - and that to get rid of the nervousness, I should get some alcohol inside me. Good plan I thought. So I sneaked into the kitchen, but alas, running low on the intoxicating drinks there wasn't much of a selection. So I drank some creamy stuff called Amarula, some Ouzo and some whiskey. Obviously not enough because I felt the same afterwards, but I didn't want to make myself ill......

 

Funnily enough, I didn't bring up the subject in the end. We were in my room after the film and he was looking at me for a long moment and asked me what was wrong, that he could tell something is on my mind. He said that he'd heard some mutual friends of ours talking about us, and was it to do with that?

 

So I told him in as unemotional terms as I could, how I was feeling and what I wanted. Found some stuff out for myself too - that he too felt the chemistry between us and that ever since the break up, and even today, that he thought about doing "stuff" (kissing, hugging etc) with me. When I pointed out that it was obvious he was jealous about this other guy hitting on me, he didn't deny it and just smiled in an embarrassed and sheepish way. He also said that he doesn't feel the same about me as when we were going out, but I told him that I don't really feel exactly the same anymore about him too - but there is still something there, which he agreed with. In fact he agreed with a lot of the stuff I said and said "I see where you're coming from" and "I know what you mean". He didn't say that he didn't want a relationship and he didn't say that he thought things would never work with us 2nd time around, so altogether I'm feeling cautiously optimistic. I didn't pressure him, or plead, or tell him how much I loved him or resort to threats or emotional blackmail. When he said that he'd need to sleep on it and that we'd definitely talk on Monday, I was fine with that too - it's only reasonable, this does require thinking. Hopefully by being accomodating but not a pushover, I gave him a good impression. He said he was very glad that I'd talked to him about this and he would do his best not to keep me in suspense. Of course, I don't know what he will decide, but he didn't seem averse to trying again.

 

So who knows which way this will go....all I know is that I am so, so glad I talked to him. This is a weight off my mind, I'll sleep a lot better tonight! I know I am lucky too - that I have such a decent, kind and understanding ex who I can be completely honest with - I know some of you on here have some real scumbag exes who ignore you, or are mean or treat you badly, so I'm counting my blessings right now.

 

Well, I'll give an update as soon as any significant developments occur - thanks for reading

[Marshbear]

Hope it works out for you. There is nothing better than knowing someone feels as you feel. Let us know what happens...

[Sukotto]

I have to say well done on what you done.

 

Most people go beg and plead when the ex shows that they might not be interested in getting back together, all this does is push them away or it might make them guilty and you end up with a second chance based on guilt which isn't really a foundation that will last.

 

The ball is in his court, you've made it clear how you feel and if he doesn't contact you on Monday then show indifference. You definately don't want to come across as needy, thats just a complete turn off.

[pippen_2k]

OUCH! Be very very carefull here!

 

Its easy to be all happy 'AT THE MOMENT' whilst he thinks about things, as the slightest glimps of hope makes the pain go away.. temporarily.

 

Only problem now is that you will be sweating on his decision come Monday, and if he dosent get back to you, or gives you the answer you dont want, its gonna HURT!.. Trust Me!

 

Set the barriers up now, thats all im saying.. Ive heard this story too many times, and its happened to me kinda recently... nothing worse than sitting on the wall and not knowing where you stand!

 

Well thats the bad side.. I hope u buck the trend and he comes back to you

 

Good Luck.

[eastern_mystique]

So nothing significant has happened as of yet....but it will tonight - he's gonna call me to 'talk' about 'this'

(I don't know what the bunny represents, but if it's nervousness, agitation and/or excitedness then it's just right).

 

I called him Sunday night to wish him good luck with his driving test (which was yesterday morning). We talked for about 10 minutes or so, nothing related to relationship stuff. He sounded happy and cheerful. He said that he probably wouldn't be at college the next day but that we'd "definitely talk".

 

So on a technicality he was right.....we did talk yesterday....but not about what he'd decided. He called me at lunchtime to say he'd passed his driving test (I was the 2nd person he'd called, according to him). He hinted that if he came into college then it would only be to see me as he had no lessons, and he said if he was gonna be around then he'd call to let me know. I just said "sure, whatever you decide". He didn't come in as it happens, but I wasn't expecting him to anyway. When I got home, I went online and he was on. About 3 minutes later he starts a conversation with me and we talk for 10 minutes, before he says he has to go. I say I have to as well, then he says "I'll be on later" to which I say I probably won't be. Just before I sign off I say "by the way - if you feel like talking later on, call me". He started typing something, but I'd already signed out.

 

Now God knows why, but I was really frustrated that he hadn't brought the whole subject up and was feeling a little panicky and depressed thinking "how long is he going to keep me waiting for?". So a few hours later I text him - and I wish I hadn't now - saying "I know you've needed time to think about what I said on Friday - I get it. But can you at least talk to me about this? I don't know what to think..." Granted the message could have been more whiny and pathetic, but still......I didn't get a reply but I didn't expect one - it's not exactly a message that can be replied to by text alone.

 

Cut to today. He approaches me at the end of college and we walk to town. We talked mostly about car-related stuff and other things. He was happy and cheerful and as friendly with me as he always is. Then just before I get on my bus he said "I'll give you a call later on, and we can have a good talk".

 

So there's the story so far. Knowing him, he will call tonight (he couldn't call me last night because he went out with his family). And if it's not tonight, it'll be tomorrow. At least I know it's on his mind. And the fact that he's really thinking about it is a good sign, because if he didn't care at all and wasn't interested he would've just said "no" and wouldn't keep me waiting and continue to be so friendly with me.

 

Of course I won't know which way this is gonna go....but I don't have a bad feeling. Before he broke up with me I had a really bad feeling, even though he hadn't explicitly said he was going to and my intuition was right. I hope it's right this time. I'm telling you though - if he's gonna call me tonight just to tell me "no".....what a b*stard!! To keep me waiting all this time, when he could have told me two days ago, easily.....

 

Well, I'll know soon enough - either I'll be back on here on here crying my eyes out, or I'll be back breathing a huge sigh of relief....it'll be the latter, I hope (fingers crossed).

[HoldOn]

Maybe he's just trying to figure out how to let you down easy. Saying "I see what you mean" does NOT mean "I agree with you, let's get back together." It just means he was listening to you.

 

This doesn't sound very promising. In fact, it sounds like you are kind of stalking him.

 

 

Why did you guys break up anyway?

[eastern_mystique]

In fact, it sounds like you are kind of stalking him.

 

 

Where did you get that from??

 

He's the one who talked to me twice yesterday. He's the one who came up to me at the end of college today and asked me if I wanted to walk with him.

 

As for it being promising.....well, that I don't know. The fact is he still has feelings for me and he's very aware of what he has to lose by shooting me down and not giving me a chance. Although I won't know until he calls me, I have a feeling that it just might be to discuss just how we go about doing this whole 2nd chance thing. Of course I could be wrong. Either way I'll know soon.

 

He broke up with me because I think that infatuated feeling that you get at the beginning of relationships, faded for him somewhat. It did for me too - but perhaps being slightly older and ever so slightly more experienced I realised that yes, my feelings for him weren't so exciting anymore but I still cared about him and I knew it would happen with anyone I was with anyway. It's just what happens when you get to know someone - he probably didn't realise that. And in any case he said he still feels the "chemistry' with us so it hasn't gone away completely.

[HoldOn]

Originally posted by eastern_mystique

Where did you get that from??

 

 

 

I don't know, it just seems like you're begging. Will you take me back now? How bout now? now?

 

I bet he loves the attention. I think you are just pumping up his ego. And even if you get back together, will you still have to beg for a date or for attention?

[eastern_mystique]

Originally posted by HoldOn

I don't know, it just seems like you're begging. Will you take me back now? How bout now? now?

 

 

Hey, well I'm sorry for being human and not being all calm and collected like everyone else in the world. Jeez, it's not like I got down on my knees or anything.....

 

 

Originally posted by HoldOn

And even if you get back together, will you still have to beg for a date or for attention?

 

No. He's always been very attentive towards me.

[eastern_mystique]

Well, he called last night, quite late. We must've talked for over an hour.

 

The long and short of it is that he had been thinking about what I'd said non-stop for four days.......and he's decided that it wouldn't feel right for him for us to get back together right now. He said it's too soon. He still feels the same as when he broke up with me, his feelings are not what they were before. This is what kills me, I wish I knew what happened for things to change, but even he doesn't know why things changed.

 

He did say however that there was a possibility of things happening in the future, he could see something with us further down the road. He wasn't saying it to be nice either; he told me that he could make it easier on me by saying that nothing would ever, ever happen....but that wouldn't be what he really believed.

 

He still feels something between us, 'chemistry' as he put it, but he's perfectly happy to have me as his friend for now and nothing more.

 

As for being his friend.....he said that was up to me. As hard as it is for me to not be with him in the way that I want, it would be much worse to shut him out of my life completely. I said the only way we could be friends is if we do it properly - i.e we don't become crappy casual acquaintances who just pass each other in the corridors and say 'hey, how are you'. We're proper friends. He said there's no way we're gonna drift apart, he wouldn't let it happen. Apparently the other day when he was talking to me about us staying in touch at university, and I said "we'll see", he felt really crushed at my reply. He said he can't imagine us not being in each other's lives.

 

So I don't feel great. But I'm not feeling as bad as I thought I would. Even though I want to be with him so much it hurts, I'm used to feeling like this now. Tomorrow is a new day and the future is unknown. If other people come in my life that I'm interested in being with, I certainly won't turn them down. Perhaps it'll be through being with someone else that he'll realise what he had/has in me. We both need to get into the wider world and see what it has to offer.

 

As for our friendship, I'll let him take charge and see if he means what he says. We both agreed to make a real friendship out of this and as for anything else further down the road, we'll just see how it goes and keep an open mind. Best way to do it.

 

So, at least it's not all bad.