Real life stories and statistics on second chances.

[Mrlonelyone]

A collection of real life stories of reconcillation after break ups and divorces. There will also be peer reviewed published data from studies that look at reconcilliation.

 

The point of this thread is not to argue a point, or to give false hope, or to destroy hope or whatever. It is a place to share stories of what has worked, and data on how likely reconcilling is or is not.

 

For example here is some data I found.

 

Surprising number of divorcing parents are open to reconciliation, new University of Minnesota study finds | Discover | University of Minnesota

 

When asked if they would be seriously interested in obtaining reconciliation services, about three in 10 individuals expressed openness to receiving help. In one in 10 couples both partners were interested in reconciliation services, and in one in three couples one partner was interested and the other not. Overall, in about 45 percent of couples, one or both of the partners reported holding hopes for the marriage and a possible interest in reconciliation. Males were more interested than females in reconciliation.

 

 

A 10% chance of both wanting to get back together.... a 90% chance of that not being the case. (45% chance at any one time at least one wants to try).

 

 

As an example of stories of real life successes here are a few I know of.

 

My parents had been together since the early 1970's separated in the mid 90's for two years. It seemed totally done. Part of the process was that for a while it seemed totally done but for the paperwork. However they had kids together. Every once in a while some decision would have to be made for the sake of me and my sister. Eventually dad and my sister moved back here and sometime after that they reconciled.

 

 

Me and my ex known as S. We were together in 2000 to 2004 with a 17 month break up. FB etc did not exist yet. I moved on and moved away. She almost married someone else. I got back with her by going to her house and knocking on the door. She opened the door. We had one more good year together (Then her family from an ethnicity which has been known for honor killing moved her and her child who looks allot like me moved away and broke contact again for years. I get a picture every once in a while.)

 

 

Recently: My sister dated a guy about three years ago who was quite insecure about his level of education. He would flash money from his job flipping houses and apartments and was a jerk in certain other ways. (installed a screen door on our house ...put it in backwards DOH). My sister dated other men a couple were very serious. My mother tells me in that case they were in some very limited contact all that time.

 

 

Heck, on "Say yes to the dress" there was a bride who described going on one date with the guy she's about to marry. He did not want to continue. Six months latter he wanted another "first date" she agreed. Now they are getting married.

 

 

 

I hope this thread can be one of those pinned ones which can give some evidence based clarity to the conversation.

[SLee]

I don't know any scientific data/statistics on it, but here are some real life stuff that I've seen recently.

 

1. A friend of mine from college was broken up with by a long term boyfriend. He was a bit of a horn dog (not unlike a lot of young guys in college) and wanted to go after another girl in the department. The ex gf, my friend, moved on with her life and went to grad school and has a great life. They were apart for about 2 years. He came to her to reconcile. They got back together a while back and recently got engaged.

 

2. The mom of a childhood friend went through a nasty divorce almost like 10 years ago or something. She's now engaged to her high school sweetheart from like 25+ years ago.

 

3. Two friends of mine were dating and they broke up. I don't know the exact circumstances of the break up. The girl started dating one of his best friends and they hated each other for like a year or something and would post really nasty Facebook posts aimed at each other. They got back together somehow, I don't know too many details, and are getting married next week.

 

4. A friend of mine dated someone from an organization we all worked with. They were together for a while, but then the girl he was dating joined the army and had to move across the country. That was 4 years ago. He dated two other girls during that time, almost married one of them. Then he reconnects with the lady who joined the army and he moved out there with her and married her and they're expecting a kid now.

 

5. My cousin (who's my age, early 20s) has been dating a girl since high school when he was like 16 or 17. She pressured him for marriage last year or so, he finally started saving money for a ring, she freaked out and wanted some time to think so they broke up, at least that's how my grandma tells it. She posted a status announcement about it on Facebook announcing they were broken up, but that they might reconcile down the line. Lo and behold, they did and they're still going strong.

 

6. A coworker of mine date his boyfriend for a while, but his boyfriend broke up with him citing that his feelings just up and left or something like that. I don't know the exact details, but those two got back together.

 

7. A friend of mine dated a guy who was a couple years older than her when she was in high school and they were together for a good year or so. She's a freshman in college now. But he graduated and joined the army and had to go across the country. They haven't really talked much in years and the break up was somewhat mutual, basically over the long distance thing, but they're starting to talk again and are looking at reconciling.

 

Those are the cases I've been closest with. I'm sure there others with my acquaintances who I'm not as close to or just others I'm not thinking of. Note that most of those cases are people in their late teens-early 20s. I'm also not including the couples who are constantly on-aagain-off-again. There are a few things I notice in the cases that I've personally been witness to:

 

1. BOTH parties completely moved on from the hurt of the break up and are completely moved on.

2. The dumper usually reached out first, unless the break up was mutual.

3. A significant amount of time has passed, usually at least a year.

4. The relationship itself was long term, at least a year generally.

 

I don't have a very clear answer on the whole NC-block them on everything so the ex has no way to contact you- NC-but keep their number or social media so you can leave a line of communication open debate. From what I've read, is that if the ex wants someone back they will try ANYTHING to get in touch with you and won't be discouraged easily. I don't know for sure though.

 

Reconciliation is a tricky topic, I think, because it's very sensitive for the recently dumped, and also because it DOES happen frequently enough in every day life for it to have merit for consideration. Some people are open to it, some people swear against it. I'm also interested in more empirical data on the topic, mainly out of curiosity.

[Mrlonelyone]

I don't have a very clear answer on the whole NC-block them on everything so the ex has no way to contact you- NC-but keep their number or social media so you can leave a line of communication open debate. From what I've read, is that if the ex wants someone back they will try ANYTHING to get in touch with you and won't be discouraged easily. I don't know for sure though.

 

This isn't a thread for debating that. FWIW the line of communication I speak of is simply not changing your phone number, skype name or email address. Social media must be blocked off these days.

 

[unoelo1]

I'm not sure that it would be considered a success story quite yet as we only just got back together recently, but my boyfriend broke it off with me in March 2014 to pursue another girl. We were together for 6 years. I went full no contact from day one. After about 4 months he contacted me to tell me he regretted letting me go. I was pretty close to having moved on by now so at that point I didn't want to take him back. We continued to see each other every couple of weeks, just on a friends basis, until January this year when we started officially dating again in a LDR. Three weeks ago I moved back in with him and so far it's going well. Had he not been so apologetic and remorseful I would not have taken him back. He has certainly put in a lot of effort in the past months to show me how much he loves me.

[Summerrose2013]

I'm not sure that it would be considered a success story quite yet as we only just got back together recently, but my boyfriend broke it off with me in March 2014 to pursue another girl. We were together for 6 years. I went full no contact from day one. After about 4 months he contacted me to tell me he regretted letting me go. I was pretty close to having moved on by now so at that point I didn't want to take him back. We continued to see each other every couple of weeks, just on a friends basis, until January this year when we started officially dating again in a LDR. Three weeks ago I moved back in with him and so far it's going well. Had he not been so apologetic and remorseful I would not have taken him back. He has certainly put in a lot of effort in the past months to show me how much he loves me.

 

Wow. Sounds like a case of him getting cold feet from a serious RS. What happened with the other girl - assume she rejected him and/or he realised the Grass isn't always greener.

How do you plan to rebuild the trust? This is my issue...how can you ever feel secure again...my ex is trying to build bridges with me...

[Van Norden]

4. The relationship itself was long term, at least a year generally.

Hell, that ruined my day.

[No Limit]

The BF of a friend cheated on her with his ex. He confessed and my friend pitied him because he 'cried like a baby' at her doorstep. A few months later she broke up with him because their relationship deteriorated to the point where she couldn't spend more than 10 minutes with him without snapping at him. My friend being well-known took a month to get over the relationship for good and then got a new BF; but her family is very well known around here so there's basically an army of guys always ready to take their predecessors' place once the screw up.

[Simon Phoenix]

Hell, that ruined my day.

 

I had a friend who dumped a girl after dating her for three months, then realize his mistakes seven months later after no contact and chase for her back. They've been back together for four years and married two. So it's possible for a short-term relationship to be reconciled and work. That being said, I certainly wouldn't hold out hope for it.

[Mrlonelyone]

So it's possible for a short-term relationship to be reconciled and work. That being said, I certainly wouldn't hold out hope for it.

 

Interesting I'd always thought the longer the term the more likely a reconciliation. You know.... like how to my parents A total of 40+ years together now a break up of two years in the middle, a break in the beginning too, and to them it's like nothing. Like a cup of water added to a swimming pool.

[Simon Phoenix]

Interesting I'd always thought the longer the term the more likely a reconciliation. You know.... like how to my parents A total of 40+ years together now a break up of two years in the middle, a break in the beginning too, and to them it's like nothing. Like a cup of water added to a swimming pool.

 

It probably is more likely, but another thing about long relationships that break is that there's usually a lot more angst between the two parties that has built up over the course of years and there's a lot less of an unknown. You pretty much know all the ins and outs and eccentricities of the other person, so there's very little of a "what if?" thought going through your head. While the bond you've developed over a long period of time might exist, if it is whittled there's very little mystery or intrigue that will bring you back. You pretty much know all there is to know.

 

With a short relationship, you don't. Those usually break up at one of the first signs of trouble or angst. While usually that's permanent, there could be some intrigue since the original relationship just scratched the surface. You could be curious and wonder what would happen if you gave the other person a real chance.

 

I know of three "successful" reconciliations and two others that had success initially then tailed off.

 

1. The one I mentioned in my last post.

 

2. My sister and her now husband dated for a year, broke up for a year (he broke up with her) reconciled and have been together for four years, married one and have a child on the way. He broke up with her, tried to keep her as "friends". She wasn't having it and was in very, very limited Contact during the break (meaning they ran into each other two or three times at get-togethers with mutual friends but she stayed away from him). He finally begged and pleaded and apologized profusely and told her that he was willing to do whatever it takes. She let him prove it, he did, and all has been good.

 

3. An acquaintance of mine dated a girl for four months in high school and it died mutually like a lot of young romances. 20 years later (or something like that) they ran into each other. He was divorced and had multiple children, she was single. They fell back in love and are married.

 

4. A friend of mine broke up with his girlfriend of about a year a couple years ago. They stayed broken up for a few months until he chased after her and begged her back. The reboot of their relationship lasted another two years, but the problems of before eventually creeped back. She broke up with him about a month ago and he has no desire to give it a third try, figuring that two breakups are plenty of evidence that it wasn't going to work out.

 

5. One of my friends dated a girl briefly, then dumped her. They stayed out of contact for a year until he got bored and called her back up. Since then (about 8 months or so) they've had an on-and-off dysfunctional thing. She wants a relationship, he does not, he calls it off, she comes back, they have sex, he agrees to date her, it doesn't work. Rinse, repeat. At this point I just laugh at them.

[unoelo1]

Wow. Sounds like a case of him getting cold feet from a serious RS. What happened with the other girl - assume she rejected him and/or he realised the Grass isn't always greener.

How do you plan to rebuild the trust? This is my issue...how can you ever feel secure again...my ex is trying to build bridges with me...

 

I think you're right about the cold feet as we had just gotten engaged a few months prior to the breakup. In regards to the other girl, he said he realised very quickly after getting together with her that the grass is definitely not greener on the other side, and that whenever he was with her he would think about me.

 

As for the trust issues, this is the biggest hurdle to overcome for me as I have a constant fear that he will up and leave again. But, I have told him to be patient and understanding because of this, and he helps by being 100% honest about everything and telling me he loves me every day. He has jumped through hoops over the last few months to prove to me that he was serious about a future with me. Now I just need time to ease me back into trusting him again. It's really hard, much harder than I thought it would be, but it's worth a shot.

[kismetkismet]

My parents started dating when my mom was 19 and my dad was 25.. they dated for a year or two and my mom wanted him to commit to marriage but he was skittish about it. They broke up and he went away travelling to Europe etc. While travelling he realized he wanted to be with her and phoned her from France. They got back together when he returned. They've been married almost 40 years now and I've never seen such a sickly sweet couple before in my life.

 

MIND YOU they had some very rough years in between because my dad did nothing but work for a number of years (was necessary) and my brother was killed in an accident which put my mother into clinical depression for 6 years. They have been going to couples therapy for 20 odd years which I think is a large part of why they are so happy now.

[forthefuture]

INTRODUCTION:

Hello everyone. I “got back” with my dumper (you’ll see why I put it in quotes at the end). If you are broken up and want to read about a good ending, here it is. It is long, sorry, but hopefully it will help you in some way.

 

I’ve reached the end of my break-up journey and I wanted to share my story here. This site is lacking in positive stories anyways. I didn’t want to be “one of those” that leave right after reconciliation, so here is my parting topic.

 

The point of this post is to provide insight and education, IT IS NOT TO BE USED AS HOPE TO COMPARE TO YOUR OWN PREDICAMENT. I repeat, MY STORY IS MY OWN, you may use it to reference but please please please do not use it as an optimistic prophecy and DO NOT do or say things just because I did.

 

Lastly, this story will primarily just be by-the-facts, the play-by-play of what happened. I won’t really elaborate on certain symbols/in-between the lines stuff (simply because I didn’t even know what to make of them at the time and you should never assume anyways).

 

BACKGROUND:

 

I 24M and my 22F girlfriend were together for 4 years. We were both raised in Europe but moved to the same high school here in the US which is where we first met. Generally, the relationship was very positive, intimate, and we had amazing chemistry and similar dreams/hobbies. We were the “power couple” among our peers (Facebook, school), her being praised for her beauty and feminine skills and me for my above-and-beyond effort in being a good boyfriend and masculinity.

 

We did have arguments throughout the last year of our relationship. They were very typical arguments, usually conceived from her (i.e. she promised to do X but doesn’t) and initiated by me (I call her out on it, we argue). On her end, she expressed that I was perfect and never needed to change, despite me asking her if I could improve.

 

THE BREAK-UP:

 

Feb. 15th: She had to stay late at her job and I texted her at 11pm checking if she’s ok. She doesn’t respond when she normally does. It wasn’t until the next day that she responded and in my worry I scolded her too harshly. This immediately made her say “I don’t love you anymore.”

I get confused because this is so sudden, so we have a back and forth. Turns out, she’s been having minor issues with me here and there that she withheld from telling me. Now it all exploded and I felt like I was never given a proper chance to fix those things. In response, she tells me “she has feelings for someone else.”

 

This someone else was my old roommate from college. He moved away to another state 2 years ago. We all started to play Warcraft online together last month, and I guess they got close somehow during that time. I ask her why she has feelings for him and she says “I don’t know, I’m confused, he’s just really nice and asks about my feelings a lot, but it’s not like I want to be his girlfriend or anything.”

 

Note that this is all very very sudden for me. We apparently were very in love just yesterday.

 

We both have a long talk and agree that we both messed up. We were on the recovery period, laughing, sharing old jokes, declaring our love for each other. She tells me the roommate thing was just a phase and she didn’t actually want to date him.

 

The next day she calls me in tears demanding we take a “10 day break.” I ask her where did this come from? She said her parents and her friends said I’m abusive and mean. I give it to her. After 10 days, we get back in touch and it is clear she used the break to check-out. She was emotionless and distant.

 

She tells me the reasons for breaking up are:

-Her pharmacy classes are too stressful for her to be in a relationship.

-She is guilty about the roommate thing and says I deserve better.

-I can be mean sometimes.

 

For a 4 year long relationship, I found these to be ridiculous reasons to end on.

I begged her to stay for about 2 hours, doing the sweetest most romantic gestures I could think of, roses and balloons and everything. Nothing. I eventually just tell her to pack her things tomorrow and leave (she didn’t live with me, but she had her own stuff over like toothbrushes, pillow, etc.).

She comes over the next day smiling, as if she’s totally happy about everything. My parting words to her were that I felt like our relationship was amazing for the both of us and it’s truly a shame she chose to quit. I said that I feel like I was treated unfairly and that she’s making a rash decision. (I want to emphasize that I did NOT see this coming at all). She just smiled and said “sure.”

 

THE NO CONTACT PERIOD:

 

INTENTIONS: I used NC to try and regain my self-respect back and to have a clear mind. I wanted a clear mind to at least analyze if being without her is more beneficial to me anyways. I did NOT use it with the intentions of getting her back (I did for the first few weeks, but then it became about moving on).

 

I begin no contact immediately on Feb 25th.

 

Feb 26th: She sends me a text that reads “What are you going to do with our couple bracelets?” I break no-contact by saying “I’m too busy at work right now to think about that.” (NOTE: Turns out this text never sent due to my reception so technically she never heard from me).

 

Feb 28th: She texts me again “Hi, I think you left a shirt over at my house.” This was mundane and a breadcrumb so I chose to ignore it.

 

March 1st: She unfriends me on Facebook and unfollows my Instagram.

 

March 2nd-March 15th: Endless pain. Constant crying, couldn’t eat, self-blame, misguided rage, rage at the ex, depression, insomnia, etc. However, I’ve also begun to try new hobbies and I constantly talked to friends and family.

 

March 25th: I break No-Contact. I message her on AIM “Hi <name>, how are you? I hope things are well. Would you like to talk sometime?"

In response, she blocks me on AIM. I restart NC.

 

April 25th: I’ve nearly completely regained my composure. I haven’t stalked her social media in weeks. I no longer simply want her back, but rather I want happiness, whatever that is. It didn’t matter if I found happiness by being with her or by being without her, I just wanted it. The past month I’ve been going to the gym, reconnecting with old friends, traveling, flirting with other girls (but nothing more), and learning how to play the piano. I became confident again and felt reborn.

 

May 1st: She sends me a text. She says that she has been missing me for the past month and that she cannot stop thinking about me no matter what. She says that whenever she sleeps she remembers how I always kiss her neck and say good night, she says that she can’t eat without thinking of me (since I am in culinary arts), etc.

 

• I respond with “thank you for telling me this.”
  
• She presses, “But how do you think of me? Do you still like me?”
  
• I tell her “This doesn’t matter, does it? We aren’t together.”
  
• She tells me “I am worried about you.”
  
• I said “That’s great, but please do not talk to me unless it is something really important. And if you do, call me.” She says OK.
  

 

May 2nd (today): She calls me and admits to me again that she misses me.

 

• I press, “Look, what exactly are you looking for here?”
  
• She tells me “I made a huge mistake.”
  
• I press, “Sure, but what does that mean exactly?”
  
• She responds, “I want to be your girlfriend again, please.”
  
• I tell her that we should meet at a park the next week and talk about it face-to-face.
  
• She tells me “that would be wonderful.”
  

 

CONCLUSION:

 

As next week hasn’t happened yet, this is where my tale ends. Thank you all for reading. I still do not have solid closure as to why it ended in the first place, but hopefully I’ll get that next week. However, with some analysis and advice from friends the general consensus is that she had a quarter life crisis and she might have had Grass is Greener Syndrome. In addition, COMMUNICATION IS KEY. Make sure BOTH members are ALWAYS communicating in the relationship. Really put an effort on welcoming open communication and honesty.

 

I will decide to accept her back or not. It will depend on what she has to say. As for my attraction to her, I still am very much attracted to her looks but I’d like to see if her personality is any different and what she has to say about her actions. I am perfectly fine with or without her, as I know that if I choose not to get back with her, there’s plenty of fish in the sea. On my end, I’ve acknowledged my mistakes in our relationship so that I could either improve for her (if we get back together) or improve myself for the next relationship.

 

AFTERWORD:

Good advice? NO CONTACT. This board speaks the truth. At the same time though, NOTHING IS CERTAIN. I begged and this board is hell-bent on doing that. Yet in the end she still declared that she wanted me back.

 

Best advice? FOLLOW YOUR HEART AND [clear]MIND (Not one or the other, BOTH). If you are uncertain, NO CONTACT is the next best thing. Actually, No Contact is how you access a clear mind, so there’s food for thought.

 

Find yourself again. Love yourself again. Until you do both of these, you cannot hope to find and love your ex.

 

I don't want to return here to report my ending, as that isn't what this post is about. I just wanted to share up to this point. I will no longer be visiting this forum. Thank you all for reading, stay strong, and farewell.

Edited June 2, 2015 by forthefuture

[loveiswar101]

Thanks for the time for sharing what has happened. I guess for some of us this is what we dream of. But like everyone says....unless they contact you with solid direction of getting back or trying again, don't accept the breadcrumbs.

 

Also it's the old once your ready to move on or have. Hey Presto !

 

Best wishes for next week, either way it goes.

[elaine567]

May 2nd (today): She calls me and admits to me again that she misses me.

 

• I press, “Look, what exactly are you looking for here?”
  
• She tells me “I made a huge mistake.”
  
• I press, “Sure, but what does that mean exactly?”
  
• She responds, “I want to be your girlfriend again, please.”
  
• I tell her that we should meet at a park the next week and talk about it face-to-face.
  
• She tells me “that would be wonderful.”
  

OK, that was a month ago (today is June 2nd), so how is it going now?

[SycamoreCircle]

Her huge mistake was Chad Worthington, the guy she dropped you like a cold chicken liver to fool around with.

 

I seriously doubt she's going to admit that, as it makes her look bad.

 

Ask yourself, do you want to be someone's option or someone's priority? Do you think someone that could do this to a person they allege to "worry about" would do it again?

 

This is a happy ending, but not in the way you suggest. She left you for another guy and broke your heart. You've suffered the toughest part and can now move on. Her coming back is just a confirmation that she has a lot of growing up to do. Let that admission of weakness of character give you the boost you need to forge ahead, without her. If you don't, most likely you're going to be telling your story here in LS over again.

[Mrlonelyone]

Thanks for the time for sharing what has happened. I guess for some of us this is what we dream of. But like everyone says....unless they contact you with solid direction of getting back or trying again, don't accept the breadcrumbs.

 

Also it's the old once your ready to move on or have. Hey Presto !

 

Best wishes for next week, either way it goes.

 

Not really. She sent out feeler text for two days and he pressed her to just say what she wanted. Those feeler text have been called breadcrumbs here.

[Mrlonelyone]

Her huge mistake was Chad Worthington, the guy she dropped you like a cold chicken liver to fool around with.

 

I seriously doubt she's going to admit that, as it makes her look bad.

 

Ask yourself, do you want to be someone's option or someone's priority? Do you think someone that could do this to a person they allege to "worry about" would do it again?

 

This is a happy ending, but not in the way you suggest. She left you for another guy and broke your heart. You've suffered the toughest part and can now move on. Her coming back is just a confirmation that she has a lot of growing up to do. Let that admission of weakness of character give you the boost you need to forge ahead, without her. If you don't, most likely you're going to be telling your story here in LS over again.

 

Uhhh they are back together now. In real life relationships are not perfect because the people in them are not perfect. To make it last means give take compromise and forgiveness.