I have no idea if he is being hypocritical.

[Natalie112]

Where do I begin...

So I am in a relationship that is distance and we have been together for 9 months...

 

we are very much so in love and I am hoping that he is willing to move to where I am and just like I am willing to move where he is. the problem here is that I don't have a job and he does so for the last couple of months he has paid for his things and our things and he has paid for my ticket to go and see him constantly.

I am always looking for a job and I am currently on a waiting list to study but that should start in June.

 

when I came back from our last visit he went out to a birthday party, he drank and he didn't really message me as often but it honestly did not worry me the problem is that I have a birthday party coming up and I would like to go to that and for some reason he is so controlling I tried to shake it off and just think that he is just insecure because of the distance.

 

so when I mentioned it and that I would be going, he went off his nut and he suggested that I am being selfish because he is doing all of this savings to move here and I am doing nothing. I do not have a job but I do have an allowance and it's not a lot so I explained to him that I would be spending no more then just 3 dollars on a bottle of cheap wine and he was just saying that I could save the money for when I go visit him when he moved here so I think that he is just making excuses for me not to go out like always because he is very insecure

he knows that I love going out and meeting new people and I feel that every time I don't go out is that he is taking a part of me of who I am. When he goes out I don't complain but now I am going to this party on saturday and a part of me doesn't want to go because of the fight but we always have when I decide to go out but then a part of me feels like I'm missing out on meeting people that could be my friend or being rude to my friends who has invited me and I could lose contact with them if I constantly don't go out because my boyfriend keep arguing and making up these things as to why I am selfish for going out and I don't want to the relationship to end and then I don't have him or the new friend and current friends.

 

he tells me that he no longer is going out and partying because he is saving money but now because I am going out he has made plans to drive an hour out of town and party because he thinks that he will not sit at home for f*** all, whatever that means. i don't understand why he gets to go out and do things but as soon as I want to go out and do things, I have a massive argument every time and it is very exhausting, what should I do?

 

Why cant he just for once just be happy and excited for me to go out. I have never given him any reason to not trust me and it always ends the next day with someone apologizing for something or apologizing for overreacting and it is so pointless.

 

how can I just make him see and just calmdown.

[emi]

He paid everything.

He gave up partying and going out for "us".

You know he can go out and party and meet new people too right?

And you wonder why you are having arguement. Its seems like you making him feel hes doing all the work ALONE.

So neither you break up with him, or try to act actively for the relationship

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Where do I begin...

So I am in a relationship that is distance and we have been together for 9 months...

 

we are very much so in love and I am hoping that he is willing to move to where I am and just like I am willing to move where he is. the problem here is that I don't have a job and he does so for the last couple of months he has paid for his things and our things and he has paid for my ticket to go and see him constantly.

I am always looking for a job and I am currently on a waiting list to study but that should start in June.

 

when I came back from our last visit he went out to a birthday party, he drank and he didn't really message me as often but it honestly did not worry me the problem is that I have a birthday party coming up and I would like to go to that and for some reason he is so controlling I tried to shake it off and just think that he is just insecure because of the distance.

 

so when I mentioned it and that I would be going, he went off his nut and he suggested that I am being selfish because he is doing all of this savings to move here and I am doing nothing. I do not have a job but I do have an allowance and it's not a lot so I explained to him that I would be spending no more then just 3 dollars on a bottle of cheap wine and he was just saying that I could save the money for when I go visit him when he moved here so I think that he is just making excuses for me not to go out like always because he is very insecure

he knows that I love going out and meeting new people and I feel that every time I don't go out is that he is taking a part of me of who I am. When he goes out I don't complain but now I am going to this party on saturday and a part of me doesn't want to go because of the fight but we always have when I decide to go out but then a part of me feels like I'm missing out on meeting people that could be my friend or being rude to my friends who has invited me and I could lose contact with them if I constantly don't go out because my boyfriend keep arguing and making up these things as to why I am selfish for going out and I don't want to the relationship to end and then I don't have him or the new friend and current friends.

 

he tells me that he no longer is going out and partying because he is saving money but now because I am going out he has made plans to drive an hour out of town and party because he thinks that he will not sit at home for f*** all, whatever that means. i don't understand why he gets to go out and do things but as soon as I want to go out and do things, I have a massive argument every time and it is very exhausting, what should I do?

 

Why cant he just for once just be happy and excited for me to go out. I have never given him any reason to not trust me and it always ends the next day with someone apologizing for something or apologizing for overreacting and it is so pointless.

 

how can I just make him see and just calmdown.

[kendahke]

He's getting upset because he's projecting onto you what he is doing--and he must not be acting like a guy in a relationship when he goes out if he's getting as upset with you as he is. If he says to you "I trust you, I don't trust other men", then he's telling you that he doesn't trust you to not end up on the business end of some other man's johnson... he believes that you are that gullible and dumb that you can't figure out right from wrong unless he's there.

 

He's basically telling you that you are untrustworthy and a liar when he blows up at you. His excuses about saving money are weak sauce--$3 isn't going to make a difference one way or the other when it comes to moving/living somewhere. If you were blowing $300 on partying, then yeah, I'd say he had a point. That's not what is happening.

 

You can't "make him" do anything he doesn't already want to/not want to do first. Understand that. He wants to do this--if he didn't, it wouldn't be going on. Your task is to figure out if you want to remain with a control freak who treats you more like his child than his equal. You will eventually get sick and tired of this mess.

 

If I was you, I'd take a huge step back from moving/living with this guy. Don't put yourself at the mercy of someone like this.

[justwhoiam]

If it's about saving as much money as possible, next time just say you are not spending any money, because your friends bought a gift and are not asking for the money knowing your situation.

At that point, he'd have nothing to argue about. It's not about lying, rather more about finding out if this is his real concern.

 

If it's about trusting you but not trusting the other guys, he's jealous and trying to make sure you won't make friend with possible rivals.

 

Although his thinking is legitimate, you can't be confined to your own home for as long as he's not with you. That's unrealistic. And too controlling.

 

I think you need to look deeper and see if he's being bossy. If he is, it's better you let him go. I'm sure you don't want to ruin your life.

[AGoodFriend]

He's getting upset because he's projecting onto you what he is doing--and he must not be acting like a guy in a relationship when he goes out if he's getting as upset with you as he is. If he says to you "I trust you, I don't trust other men", then he's telling you that he doesn't trust you to not end up on the business end of some other man's johnson... he believes that you are that gullible and dumb that you can't figure out right from wrong unless he's there.

 

I have had trouble with things like this in the past, a fun-loving girlfriend who you think may not be able to handle her liquor and ends up in the bed with someone else. Like you said, you haven't given him a reason to not trust you yet, but he is incredibly insecure. I say this because I am in a similar situation and I know I feel insecure of the thought of my girlfriend doing things without me, especially in a LDR.

 

How you deal with it really depends on how you feel. If you are the patient type, you will probably do everything you can to assuage his ego and calm his fears. Of course, he may be checking up on you as much as humanly possible so be ready for that. If you are really exhausted, then you may have to begin to cut ties, using the distance as an emotional cushion to break away.

[kendahke]

I have had trouble with things like this in the past, a fun-loving girlfriend who you think may not be able to handle her liquor and ends up in the bed with someone else. Like you said, you haven't given him a reason to not trust you yet, but he is incredibly insecure. I say this because I am in a similar situation and I know I feel insecure of the thought of my girlfriend doing things without me, especially in a LDR.

 

You are with the wrong person if this is going on in your relationship. LDR's should not be something you enter into if you keep attracting girls who exacerbate your insecurities.

 

Anytime someone makes you feel insecure,

 

1. know that your insecurity is your issue to handle, not theirs; and

 

2. you need to end your involvement with that person because your solution is for them to become someone they're not in order to make you feel secure--and that is not a lasting solution. People are going to be and can only be who they are. They have to want to change for themselves, not to make someone else happy. They will adjust for as long as is comfortable for them to do so, but eventually they will revert to being who they really are because what they were acting like to keep the insecure person quiet was false from the get-go.

 

Each person is responsible to stand sentry to their own boundaries. Putting that off onto someone else is shirking your responsibility to yourself.