Getting over fade out and feeling used as a rebound?

[kookie84]

How do you get over feeling deceived and used by someone you care about?

 

You can read my story here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/528065-fade-out-after-sex

 

TL;DR: Met a guy, great connection and became really good friends. Began dating casually, he backed off when things got almost serious, became hot/cold and wishy washy, and slowly faded. Came back about a month later with an apology, gave him a second chance, only to disappear again after I slept with him for the first time. Found out from someone else that I was basically a rebound. He had just gotten out of a 7-yr relationship.

 

It's been a week and two days since he last contacted me, so at this point I'm just telling myself that it's over. Our last communication was him saying he was sorry for being absent and that things are just crazy at work and in his personal life but reassured me that he still feels the same way about me. Later that night he texted asking how my day went, I said I had a great day and asked him how his day was. No reply.

 

I'm in a better place since my last post - I've deleted his number, don't check up on him on social media (but I know he still follows me on Instagram and we're still friends on Facebook, I just hid him from my newsfeed), etc. - but I'm still finding it very difficult to get over the whole thing.

 

I can't wrap my head around the fact that someone who seemed to genuinely care about me can disappear just like that. Or maybe he never cared about me at all? Maybe I was just a time filler, a distraction, someone to fill the emotional/physical void? Because if he really did care about me, he wouldn't just ghost, right?

 

A friend of mine said to give him a little more time. That he's obviously going through a lot and that he'll come around. But who knows. For all I know he's talking to/dating a dozen women after being in a relationship for 7 years and I'm the last thing on his mind.

 

I do agree with the replies to my post above, that he is not in the right place right now and that his actions have nothing to do with me, but everything to do with his own issues.

 

Knowing all of that is comforting, but it still hurts... a lot. There's also part of me that wants to reach out and see if he's okay and ask what happened, but what's the point? Then there's that tiny, tiny part of me that still wonders and maybe even hopes he'll contact me with an apology and an explanation. (I don't know if he knows that I know about his break up)

 

I know that I shouldn't waste any more time/emotion/energy thinking about him, but I seem to be stuck on the fact that what he did is NOT okay. I want to call him out on it, but I don't even know what that will accomplish or if it would really make me feel better or if he'll be honest or even talk to me.

 

Do you guys have any advice on how to just forget and let go of all of this? Or just any general thoughts to make me feel better, I guess. This has never happened to me before and I dont really know how to deal with it. I feel like this nasty feeling that comes with not having any closure is going to stick with me for a very long time. I feel like it will be very hard to recover from this.

Edited May 16, 2015 by kookie84

[Ruby65]

I'm really sorry this happened to you.

 

I wouldn't reach out to him though, even though I can understand how tempting it must be now that you know he was using you as a rebound. It really hurts.

 

However, I don't think it would be the best thing for YOU, for your healing, to continue to stay in contact with him. There's really nothing he can do or say that's going to change what happened.

 

Frankly, I think him admitting it and apologizing isn't going to make you feel better... it would only make HIM feel better. And who wants to make him feel better? Ugh.

 

Be kind to yourself, take it slow, stick to No Contact. Block him everywhere -- take back your power.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

 

Keep posting.

 

[StrangerThanFiction]

How do you get over feeling deceived and used by someone you care about?

 

You can read my story here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/528065-fade-out-after-sex

 

TL;DR: Met a guy, great connection and became really good friends. Began dating casually, he backed off when things got almost serious, became hot/cold and wishy washy, and slowly faded. Came back about a month later with an apology, gave him a second chance, only to disappear again after I slept with him for the first time. Found out from someone else that I was basically a rebound. He had just gotten out of a 7-yr relationship.

 

It's been a week and two days since he last contacted me, so at this point I'm just telling myself that it's over. Our last communication was him saying he was sorry for being absent and that things are just crazy at work and in his personal life but reassured me that he still feels the same way about me. Later that night he texted asking how my day went, I said I had a great day and asked him how his day was. No reply.

 

I'm in a better place since my last post - I've deleted his number, don't check up on him on social media (but I know he still follows me on Instagram and we're still friends on Facebook, I just hid him from my newsfeed), etc. - but I'm still finding it very difficult to get over the whole thing.

 

I can't wrap my head around the fact that someone who seemed to genuinely care about me can disappear just like that. Or maybe he never cared about me at all? Maybe I was just a time filler, a distraction, someone to fill the emotional/physical void? Because if he really did care about me, he wouldn't just ghost, right?

 

A friend of mine said to give him a little more time. That he's obviously going through a lot and that he'll come around. But who knows. For all I know he's talking to/dating a dozen women after being in a relationship for 7 years and I'm the last thing on his mind.

 

I do agree with the replies to my post above, that he is not in the right place right now and that his actions have nothing to do with me, but everything to do with his own issues.

 

Knowing all of that is comforting, but it still hurts... a lot. There's also part of me that wants to reach out and see if he's okay and ask what happened, but what's the point? Then there's that tiny, tiny part of me that still wonders and maybe even hopes he'll contact me with an apology and an explanation. (I don't know if he knows that I know about his break up)

 

I know that I shouldn't waste any more time/emotion/energy thinking about him, but I seem to be stuck on the fact that what he did is NOT okay. I want to call him out on it, but I don't even know what that will accomplish or if it would really make me feel better or if he'll be honest or even talk to me.

 

Do you guys have any advice on how to just forget and let go of all of this? Or just any general thoughts to make me feel better, I guess. This has never happened to me before and I dont really know how to deal with it. I feel like this nasty feeling that comes with not having any closure is going to stick with me for a very long time. I feel like it will be very hard to recover from this.

 

I'm on the other side of the equation. My ex and I recently broke up after a 7 year relationship (same guy maybe? Ha ha ha) because I found out he was seeing another woman. The same woman we had broken up over 2 years ago. I know that when we got back together he'd talk to her less and sort of out her on the backburner and when we would fight or break up again (there were at least 3 times between then and May 8) he would renew their relationship. She also never knew about me at all as far as I know.

 

Now I'm not saying the dude your talking about is a King Douche like mine was but it sounds like a somewhat similar situation where he's still yo-yoing with his ex and I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. What he did to you was definitely not okay and totally selfish.

 

I know that not having closure on something like this really sucks and can make it feel like a more uphill battle than it has to be, but sometimes we just have to truck on and make our own. The guy lied to you about his situation so already, right off the bat, your relationship was based on lies and relationships that start that way tend to share that trend throughout. That's how the relationship with the ex I just mentioned started and he lied to me about everything. Why? Because when a relationship starts with lies it sets a precedent. They already lied to you once so what's one more, and one more, and one more. But this is just my opinion based on the experiences I've had.

 

As for advice to getting past this, remember what I just said. Know that you deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you for you instead of as a rebound. You're SO much better than that. You want to be with someone who knows what they want and not have to always wonder at their motives. Trust me, it makes you physically ill always having to wonder if they're with you because they want you or because they're lonely. It'll turn you insecure and paranoid. I know it hurts being treated this way, but honestly, you dodged a bullet. Delete his number and block him off everything so he can't contact you. Having any contact with him will just keep it fresh.

 

Chin up and a big hug from me

[ByMyself01]

Yeah he's seeing his ex again. Don't reach out to him because he's not over the ex and if they lasted 7 years they may get back together or already have and if you reach out it's like you're inviting yourself to be the pitstop whenever their relationship takes a bad turn. Don't be that girl, move on to a new guy. And when you move on and he tries to reach out, then ask him what happened because that's what's really eating you up inside. Hopefully, at that point you won't even care. Don't allow him to use you. He doesn't even understand people 'other' people have feelings. My ex used me steadily for 3 years and NEVER cared about my feelings. But they seem to care about their own and the women they're using us for.