Jump to content

My 5 yr boyfriend's tactics to avoid difficult conversations re: our future


Recommended Posts

On some level though, I really don't want him to feel like he's "getting away with it".

 

Getting away with what exactly? You let him move in with you. You knew that this outcome (you feeling trapped, him not following through on his promise to marry you) was likely based on your past experiences with your boyfriend.

 

If anything, you are 50% responsible for your situation with your boyfriend. It's not 100% his fault. You gave him the green light to move in with you based on promises he made to you (marriage) but didn't follow through with.

 

So, I think you need to acknowledge and own up to that. I'm not defending your boyfriend's current behavior either, so don't misinterpret that, because I think it's immature for him to emotionally shut down and not discuss the future of his relationship with you like an adult, especially where your autistic son is concerned.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Getting away with what exactly? You let him move in with you. You knew that this outcome (you feeling trapped, him not following through on his promise to marry you) was likely based on your past experiences with your boyfriend.

 

If anything, you are 50% responsible for your situation with your boyfriend. It's not 100% his fault. You gave him the green light to move in with you based on promises he made to you (marriage) but didn't follow through with.

 

So, I think you need to acknowledge and own up to that. I'm not defending your boyfriend's current behavior either, so don't misinterpret that, because I think it's immature for him to emotionally shut down and not discuss the future of his relationship with you like an adult, especially where your autistic son is concerned.

 

Yes I am definitely quite responsible for this outcome. I really should have known things wouldn't change at all. And my constant breaking up/taking him back has been stupid and pointless. It's only taught him that he can still do whatever he wants and I'll still be here.

 

But I'm being 100% honest when I say, the only reason I've stuck this out for so long is completely because of my son. As much as I care about him, I would rather be alone than be with someone who knows what I want most out of my life and blatantly refuses to give it to me, all while claiming he loves me.

 

There are many nights I wish I didn't even have to come home and I could just go to a hotel or disappear or something. At this point, I honestly don't think I would even care if I never saw or spoke to my boyfriend ever again. This is how I feel about him right now. But I have to go home to take care of my son.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Like others have said, he simply doesn't want to marry you.

I'm a little confused though. You moved city and didn't have him in mind when you did so, unless you guys got engaged within 3 months? . ..how did you plan to cope with your son if he didn't come along?

 

If he decided to end the relationship, you and your son would cope somehow.

 

You just need to end the relationship and get him to move out. You guys don't want the same thing and don't give him any more deadlines, which mean nothing if you don't follow through. If someone wants to marry you, you don't have to give them timeliness. It's good to have a timeline in your own mind. The longer your BF stays around, the more difficult it will be for your son when you split up.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2
.....

I'm a little confused though. You moved city and didn't have him in mind when you did so, . . ..how did you plan to cope with your son if he didn't come along?

 

If he decided to end the relationship, you and your son would cope somehow.

.

Actually, that's a good point, I hadn't considered that question....

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Like others have said, he simply doesn't want to marry you.

I'm a little confused though. You moved city and didn't have him in mind when you did so, unless you guys got engaged within 3 months? . ..how did you plan to cope with your son if he didn't come along?

 

If he decided to end the relationship, you and your son would cope somehow.

 

You just need to end the relationship and get him to move out. You guys don't want the same thing and don't give him any more deadlines, which mean nothing if you don't follow through. If someone wants to marry you, you don't have to give them timeliness. It's good to have a timeline in your own mind. The longer your BF stays around, the more difficult it will be for your son when you split up.

 

+1. Totally agree.

Link to post
Share on other sites
lucy_in_disguise

Your boyfriend sounds like he might have a touch of aspergers as well. Is that a possibility? From reading your post, it sounds likr he cannot deal with emotions at all. Since the marriage topic is so loaded with emotions at this point, do u think its possible thats what hes really avoiding?

 

If he moved halfway across he country to be with yoi, if he is taking care of your son and paying half the bills - i dont see a man who is along for a free ride. I see someone who cares for you and wants to be your partner, but may have a hrad time undrstanding how to meet yoir needs emotionally.

 

Is it just the marriage certificate thats important? What other aspects of marriage do you need from a relationship? Do you want more kids?

 

Depending on your answers above, before throwing in the towel, i would try to approach the marriage situation from a different angle. Let him know it would mean a lot to you if you married. Tell him you want to make sure he is treated as your next of kin in the event of an amergency, etc. Then ask him to make it official in a simple ceremony at the courthouse on x day. Remove the long discussions, he heated emotions, and the planning, out of the conversation. I suspect thats what stresses him out, maybe more than the actual reality of marriage.

 

thats if you really want to marry him,of course. Based on your posts, its clear he has issues, just not clear to me if they are commitment issues or communication/ empathy issues. either would be a serious deficiwncy and difficult to deal wiTh. I am assuming you can accept him as he is under the condition of martiage, but from your post, i dont assume that it would be an easy task.

 

I want to add that frequently on LS, there is an expectation that all "good" relationships follow the same formula. If a guy is "really into" you, he'll ask you out and you will shortly thereafter bexome official. He he wants to spend his life with uou, he will propse, in a reasonable timeline, of his own volition. These rules are true for many and a great rule of thumb, but its simplistic to ignore the fact that many people have issues or baggage that preclude them from being able to perform in this way, while others move at a different pace. So, dont judge your relationship by others' standards. Look in your heart to find the truth.

Edited by lucy_in_disguise
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Yes I am definitely quite responsible for this outcome. I really should have known things wouldn't change at all. And my constant breaking up/taking him back has been stupid and pointless. It's only taught him that he can still do whatever he wants and I'll still be here.

 

But I'm being 100% honest when I say, the only reason I've stuck this out for so long is completely because of my son. As much as I care about him, I would rather be alone than be with someone who knows what I want most out of my life and blatantly refuses to give it to me, all while claiming he loves me.

 

There are many nights I wish I didn't even have to come home and I could just go to a hotel or disappear or something. At this point, I honestly don't think I would even care if I never saw or spoke to my boyfriend ever again. This is how I feel about him right now. But I have to go home to take care of my son.

 

Kalika, I am very sorry you are in this situation. I too wonder how you planned to deal with the issue of your son when you moved so far away on your own? You didn't know when you moved that he would ever consider to follow. I am assuming that you had already figured out how to deal with putting your son on the bus, after school care, etc. prior to your move.

 

"I would rather be alone than be with someone who knows what I want most out of my life and blatantly refuses to give it to me, all while claiming he loves me. " I do have a question, is being married what you want most in your life to being married to him?? Why do you want to marry him so badly? I agree that if being married is what you want most out of life you need to leave him, mostly so you can find that someone to give you what you want so badly. Currently, you are just staying in the relationship because he is cheap child care and it is convenient. I would probably, just let him keep staying in the spare room, and just let him be the child care. I wouldn't try to talk to him any more about it. Maybe, if he turns into your roommate/child care provider, he will bring up the conversation himself. In the meantime, I would strongly question your own feelings for him. Do you really love him or is he just convenient? Do you really love him, or do you just really want to be married? Getting married just for the sake of getting married, is not a good reason to get married. Getting married to the wrong person sucks.

 

I have been married for 20 years, prior to that we dated for 8. He never asked me to marry him in those 8 years and he didn't like to talk about it. I do believe we stayed in our relationship because it was convenient. I ended up getting pregnant and I was the one who said, "should we get married?" And he said, "Sure". We got married because we were having a kid. I wouldn't recommend anyone do that. I thought I loved him, but our communication was so bad. Having kids didn't help that. I can now see that getting married to him was a bad idea. I have always doubted his feelings towards me because he never expressed them. He seemed incapable of saying he loved me. I have to believe he couldn't say it because he didn't mean it. All these years later, I tell him that I think we shouldn't have gotten married, and he is hurt. He says he has grown to love me, I think he is just comfortable. Hell, me leaving now is like him losing a comfy pair of shoes he's had forever. Who wants to take the time to go find a new pair and break them in? But I still don't think he loves me. At least your guy says he loves you. If you have the actions that go with the words, then maybe he does love you but has a fear of commitment.

 

SO, do you truly love him or do you just want to be married? Maybe the answer is both, so if he is not willing to marry you or even discuss it, you may have to let go of the man you love in order to find a man who can both love you and marry you. I sure wouldn't recommend staying in a relationship with a man who cannot communicate his feelings to you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thanks for the posts everyone.

 

We actually talked about it today and it didn't go well. He just offers up the most ridiculous excuses I've ever heard in my life. I know that I can't deal with it any more.

 

We have decided to break up. He's going to start looking for a place and I'm just going to have to try to figure out what to do about my son in the meantime. Hopefully this doesn't get dragged out for too long.

 

My son came in the room after we were done talking and I told him what's going on. He was sad but definitely not as upset as I thought he would become, which is a relief to me. He was so loving and sweet to me and trying to comfort me. I just want HIM to be okay and I told him that I'm not okay now, but I will be in time.

 

It's even worse because it seems like my boyfriend couldn't care less. He even offered to stay here to help with my son but then said something along the lines of how he wouldn't be able to find his future wife by living here but he's willing to do it. I think he knew that pissed me off so bad because he then said how I also wouldn't be able to find someone else while he was living here either. Whatever.

 

This is going to be the hardest breakup of my entire life.

Edited by kalika
Link to post
Share on other sites
Thanks for the posts everyone.

 

We actually talked about it today and it didn't go well. He just offers up the most ridiculous excuses I've ever heard in my life. I know that I can't deal with it any more.

 

We have decided to break up. He's going to start looking for a place and I'm just going to have to try to figure out what to do about my son in the meantime. Hopefully this doesn't get dragged out for too long.

 

My son came in the room after we were done talking and I told him what's going on. He was sad but definitely not as upset as I thought he would become, which is a relief to me. He was so loving and sweet to me and trying to comfort me. I just want HIM to be okay and I told him that I'm not okay now, but I will be in time.

 

This is seriously going to be the hardest breakup of my entire life.

 

Well, this is a step in the right direction. He wouldn't marry you, and was comfortable keeping you as a placeholder in his life, which is the same as keeping you and the relationship in limbo. That equals torture to me.

 

Yes it's scary to go through breakups and the transition and adjustment that follows. But you knew this outcome was likely with this guy, right? Eventually you will be happy again. Right now, you need to figure out how to transition your son and yourself.

 

What ridiculous excuses did he give you as to why he won't marry you?

 

I am glad that you were honest with your son, and that his reaction was to worry about you. I know that you want HIM to be ok, so make sure that you stay emotionally strong for your son's sake because he depends on you: you're the only stable role model he has in his life.

 

So, what will you do as far as a moving out date for your boyfriend? Will you try to find a roommate to take his place? Or do you think you will sell your house, and try to find a more affordable place for your income?

 

Does your boyfriend want to stay in your son's life as a father-figure? Has he talked to you son yet too?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
So, what will you do as far as a moving out date for your boyfriend? Will you try to find a roommate to take his place? Or do you think you will sell your house, and try to find a more affordable place for your income?

 

Does your boyfriend want to stay in your son's life as a father-figure? Has he talked to you son yet too?

 

I don't think I want to bring a stranger into the house. I would never get comfortable with that situation, especially them being around my son. We will have to make a few cuts to the household expenses and I might have to dip into savings a bit, but I think we'll be okay.

 

We didn't really set a date but he said he would be flying his dad down here to help him pack and move. He said he will start looking for a place right now. In a few days I'll ask him about his progress on finding a place. I did tell him the sooner the better.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm sorry you are going through this Kalika. He just was not the one. I'm glad your son is taking it ok. That should take some of the sting away.

Life is too short to have regrets. You can find someone who has the same life goals as yourself and someone who takes your feelings into consideration. That last jab about him finding his future wife was pretty inconsiderate.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm a guy. Most guys pull the ol' shut down when you put them between a rock and hard place. In the this case, his two options are lie to you and tell you what you want to hear or tell you the truth and risk terminating the relationship.

 

My guess is that he is happy and loves you and is simply OK with the relationship in its current state. He is a ****ty communicator, but if I had to guess, I'd say you're probably also nagging the **** out of him as well about the same issue over and over. He is fine with the current level of commitment and intimacy that the two of you share as bf/gf, and he sees no reason to take things to the next level. He is also likely terrified to actually articulate this to you because he thinks that telling you this directly ("I don't want to get married" or perhaps "I don't see a good reason to get married") will result in you taking this as a rejection and therefore risk ending the relationship. Not all men see marriage of any sort as their ideal relationship.

 

Basically, you two want different things. Something has to give. You should just assume that the relationship is going to stay the way it is and decide if you can deal with it. If you can, stay and stop nagging about the future. If you can't, start making moves to get out. Inform him of your intentions (don't do anything crazy or out of the blue) and if you're important enough to him, he'll do whatever it takes to keep you.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...