why the heck am i still here?

[Cinnimon]

Rainbow, if I remember correctly from your threads you are married? You've never had a physical relationship with MM?

[Rainbow00]

Rainbow, if I remember correctly from your threads you are married? You've never had a physical relationship with MM?

 

Correct for both. This is purely an EA although he was not shy about flirting about physical acts. I'm not sure if he was serious or it was all talk. Regardless nothing happened, not sexting or anything. I was very very emotionally attached apparently. I didn't think I liked him much at the time but now I can't get over it and am glorifying it. That and the addiction of how I felt with him.

 

Im married yes. But we are like roommates and kind of an open relationship. For example I encourage my H to bring other women to events, like taking a girlfriend to a wedding instead of me. We aren't really spouses but roommates. Not romantic. Granted I wouldn't be allowed to have a PA without conflict though. We are just both checked out.

[Rainbow00]

What are you having more trouble with, the fact that you miss him or your self-esteem issues? I'm not trying to be snarky with that question, it's a legitimate one. The reason I ask is because I was on this "I miss him, I miss him" bender for a good while until I realized that yes, I miss him, but the true issue here is lying within myself and the feeling of rejection. The feeling that I got kicked to the curb like trash. These feelings that I'm having a hard time dealing with.

 

Obviously we're all different, but a lot of us suffer from the same issues. I just want you to think about it for a little bit.

 

I think both. I was never really rejected by a guy as I never let myself be that vulnerable. So it hurts. And I feel like I lost that I can't tempt him away anymore. I'm not good enough. I used to be and other women used to be too. And maybe someone is now.

 

I do truly miss him and the emotional talks and support he provided though. I do miss him as a person. I think I miss more how he made me feel. Excited and wanted and I was thinking about him all day. Like when I would talk to him next. When was the next window of us sneaking a dinner or drinks. What I want to talk to him about. What to cook for him. Etc etc excitement and consumed my life

[I4givehim]

I think both. I was never really rejected by a guy as I never let myself be that vulnerable. So it hurts. And I feel like I lost that I can't tempt him away anymore. I'm not good enough. I used to be and other women used to be too. And maybe someone is now.

 

I do truly miss him and the emotional talks and support he provided though. I do miss him as a person. I think I miss more how he made me feel. Excited and wanted and I was thinking about him all day. Like when I would talk to him next. When was the next window of us sneaking a dinner or drinks. What I want to talk to him about. What to cook for him. Etc etc excitement and consumed my life

 

He never belonged to you. HE BELONGS TO HIS W.

[Cinnimon]

So he made you feel alive? Excited about life? Did you fall in love with him?

[GoldieLox]

I think both. I was never really rejected by a guy as I never let myself be that vulnerable. So it hurts. And I feel like I lost that I can't tempt him away anymore. I'm not good enough. I used to be and other women used to be too. And maybe someone is now.

 

I do truly miss him and the emotional talks and support he provided though. I do miss him as a person. I think I miss more how he made me feel. Excited and wanted and I was thinking about him all day. Like when I would talk to him next. When was the next window of us sneaking a dinner or drinks. What I want to talk to him about. What to cook for him. Etc etc excitement and consumed my life

 

I completely understand how you're feeling by the first part. It's pure self-esteem issues, and if you ask me, it's pure crap. That's how it feels. Just pure crap on a daily basis, it's like being stuck in a self-dug hole that you can't pull yourself out of.

 

The second part is different. Reading what you wrote about the dynamics of your relationship with your husband, and what you just wrote, (I could be off the mark here, but) it seems to me like you started to replace your husband with the MM emotionally. You had conversations like a couple, you cooked for him like a couple, you somewhat socialized (besides the sneaking around part) like a couple. Are you doing any of these things with your husband? I'm not trying to play Freud into your marriage here, I'm just generally curious. I see how much pain you're in, and I see a lot of your self-esteem issues in myself. I know what you're going through.

[Rainbow00]

Its tough when you are having to see him so I hope you will be able to stay strong and be ok, as time goes by maybe some more peace will settle in, Im really sorry. One thing I do which I think hurts me too, is assume how they are feeling about us, they don't miss us, it isn't hard for them.

I am learning to try and exercise compassion that maybe he did care, but cared more to stand by his morals and do right by his wife and family.

Maybe its the same for you?

We wont always get the reasons and closure but I assure you it must be equally hard on them but its a poker face. He has to stand his ground though his heart likely will ache too.

Try and think positive, your correct not to date right this second, give your heart a break as you heal and keep your dignity not to write.

At first NC works against you as it feels unnatural not to reach out and it hurts, but it really is necessary, its your friend, you have to let it rest though it feels like being the walking dead, you gotta keep going until life brings you the opportunity you need to leave there.

Hugs! Im really sorry its tough right now. Your gonna get through it.

 

Thanks for the encouragement, truly

 

Right now the part that hurts the most is after we met when I broke NC, he said he was so excited to hang out again, and he would contact me soon. I don't know if he meant it in the moment, or what... but obviously we aren't talking anymore and he never reached out. I know this happens a lot, where a guy says they will call and then don't. I guess I never experienced it firsthand where I was already so attached to the guy. I get angry at him for "breaking his promise" - but for what? Overall, its better that we continue NC and I'm not sure I'd be strong enough to resist if he did try to pull me back in. I just wish I had an explanation as to the 180 change in behavior. Maybe I only think it will make me feel better, but it would only make me feel worse.

 

Oh well, not getting answers either way...!

[Rainbow00]

So he made you feel alive? Excited about life? Did you fall in love with him?

 

No, definitely not love. If there was 'love' involved, I would only say I loved how he made me feel. Everything was so routine - go to work, come home, cook, clean, sleep, repeat. He gave me excitement and something to focus on. I loved how I would get a rush of excitement and giddiness when I saw his name on my phone. I would look forward to our meeting times, or our "skype date" times. I would occupy myself of trying to sneak time in, where we could get lunch or dinner, or drinks. It did make me feel alive. It made me happier and boost my ego, and thus make everything more fun. It made the work day go by faster because I knew I would see him at the end of the day, or after work. I wouldn't enjoy weekends, because I knew I wouldn't be able to see or speak to him. He gave me something to focus on, even though he became part of my routine... it was still exciting. He gave me butterflies in my stomach (but no, it wasn't love nor lust - I wasn't very physically attracted to him, probably why it never escalated into a PA. It wasn't "worth it" enough to me for the risk/reward). It was nice ego boost knowing he found me attractive, and he was excited to see me too. And I loved our banter.

 

But this all caused me to become so attached to him. I do not let my guard down, and he kept pushing me throughout our "relationship" to trust him fully, to let him in. He would say he cared for me so much, that he misses me, etc etc and I would always dismiss it, not believing him. And not letting myself believe him or say it back to him in order to keep some emotional distance. Clearly, it did not work... but I tried that to protect myself. But I got so hurt anyway. Near the end I started to really let him in, but then soon after is when he ended things. I'm angry at him and myself for letting him get to me emotionally; if I had held out a little longer maybe I would be over him by now.

[Friskyone4u]

Rainbow,

 

If you are "just roommates" with husband, does that mean you two are not intimate. just wondering how a healthy adult woman can maintain a long term EA with a man who is geographically available and not be PA. I believe you but it seems as if this is not going to be a way to be long term with husband.

If you are checked out and he would not accept you sleeping with other men, what is your plan after you get over this OM.

 

Why do you stay and not divorce and find a man you who can be a husband not a roommate.???

[Rainbow00]

I completely understand how you're feeling by the first part. It's pure self-esteem issues, and if you ask me, it's pure crap. That's how it feels. Just pure crap on a daily basis, it's like being stuck in a self-dug hole that you can't pull yourself out of.

 

The second part is different. Reading what you wrote about the dynamics of your relationship with your husband, and what you just wrote, (I could be off the mark here, but) it seems to me like you started to replace your husband with the MM emotionally. You had conversations like a couple, you cooked for him like a couple, you somewhat socialized (besides the sneaking around part) like a couple. Are you doing any of these things with your husband? I'm not trying to play Freud into your marriage here, I'm just generally curious. I see how much pain you're in, and I see a lot of your self-esteem issues in myself. I know what you're going through.

 

It really makes you feel low. And I don't even understand it myself; if it was an ego thing... I have another man trying hard to pursue me (I am ignoring his efforts, I am not at all interested) and its not doing anything for my ego. It's not making me feel confident, pretty, wanted, or anything. I just feel like since xMM doesn't want me... I've failed somehow. I used to be good enough to draw his time and attention. And now, I'm not, and maybe some other AP is. And I couldn't even "entice" him back in. Even writing that out makes me feel like a horrible person, and pathetic at that. But that's how I really feel at the moment.

 

My H and I don't really have a marriage relationship. We are more like roommates, and we have both silently accepted this. He is okay with me going on 'dates' with other men, and I feel the same way for him. We haven't explicitly discussed this, but I am sure being physical with other people is not okay. I don't really know how to explain it. I am not jealous if he goes out with other women. In any case, yes, I was trying to play house with xMM a little bit. By making him meals, going out to eat, talking all the time. Big difference is we had to steal that time, sneak behind people to get that time. I think I was getting my emotional fulfillment with xMM. But on the other hand, we disagreed on a lot of things, and he often didn't even allow me to talk about my feelings. Looking back, he was very impatient and tempermental at times, being too impatient to listen to me tlak about feelings. To him, the A was only about fun banter and things like that. But other times, he was very supportive (a death in my family). So basically, whatever he wanted as his convenience. But then, writing that... I know many times he truly went out of his way to be there for me. So I don't know. Maybe he cared about me sometimes, when he was in a good mood. Sorry for the rambling. Having a tough night. I do often wish we were still 'together'.

[Rainbow00]

Rainbow,

 

If you are "just roommates" with husband, does that mean you two are not intimate. just wondering how a healthy adult woman can maintain a long term EA with a man who is geographically available and not be PA. I believe you but it seems as if this is not going to be a way to be long term with husband.

If you are checked out and he would not accept you sleeping with other men, what is your plan after you get over this OM.

 

Why do you stay and not divorce and find a man you who can be a husband not a roommate.???

 

We hardly are intimate (me and my husband). Maybe intimate once every 3-4 months. My xMM was geographically available, but we were never alone in a private location, so I guess it was easy in that sense since there was no oportunity. Sure, we could have made an opportunity, but we never did. For example, we would be eating in a public restaurant... obviously we wouldn't be being intimate in a large room! I mean, I'm just a stranger so you don't need to believe me if you don't want to. But xMM and I were never physical, although he made a lot of heavily sexually suggestive comments like, "I'd be all over you if we were alone right now...". Things like that. Also, I wasn't very sexually attracted to xMM, and I know PA's come with large risks. If you're really turned on by him, I can definitely see how the lust/reward can outweigh the risks in someone's mind. But the reward of being physically intimate with him was never near worth the risk for me personally. I think he would have done it though, if I had let him, and if we have an opportunity. But either way, even myself not being intimate with any man for a few months at a time, I don't feel pent up or anything, or the desire to have that sexual release. I guess I just have a low sex drive?

 

Long term, I haven't though of a plan. Realistically, just cruise along like it has been with my husband. Before this xMM, I was content. Maybe not excited and LOVING life, but content to have it go on for the rest of my life. Comfortable and bored. ANd before xMM, I never strayed from my marriage, nor was intersted in any other man. And I have gotten opportunities from many men. Not sure why this xMM got to me; he was the most persistent perhaps. I'm not too sure, though I have given it much thought.

[GoldieLox]

It really makes you feel low. And I don't even understand it myself; if it was an ego thing... I have another man trying hard to pursue me (I am ignoring his efforts, I am not at all interested) and its not doing anything for my ego. It's not making me feel confident, pretty, wanted, or anything. I just feel like since xMM doesn't want me... I've failed somehow. I used to be good enough to draw his time and attention. And now, I'm not, and maybe some other AP is. And I couldn't even "entice" him back in. Even writing that out makes me feel like a horrible person, and pathetic at that. But that's how I really feel at the moment.

 

Emotional mind vs. rational mind. It's a tough concept, but I think you really need to start using it in order to have moments of clarity and pull yourself out of this. Your emotional mind is thinking exactly what you just wrote. That you somehow failed, that you weren't good enough and that's why he walked away, etc. Now for the tough part. Rational mind... your very first post here a few weeks ago stated you had to cool things down because his wife was getting suspicious. His actions likely have nothing to do with you personally. He does not want to lose his marriage, plain and simple. Can't remember if there's kids involved with him, but that's another factor.

 

I can't keep everyone straight on these boards and who's in IC and who's not, but do you see someone? If so, ask her about CBT techniques. It's a therapy that's focused on changing negative thinking patterns. It can be used in almost any situation, but it's very useful for self-esteem issues.

[privategal]

Thanks for the encouragement, truly

 

Right now the part that hurts the most is after we met when I broke NC, he said he was so excited to hang out again, and he would contact me soon. I don't know if he meant it in the moment, or what... but obviously we aren't talking anymore and he never reached out. I know this happens a lot, where a guy says they will call and then don't. I guess I never experienced it firsthand where I was already so attached to the guy. I get angry at him for "breaking his promise" - but for what? Overall, its better that we continue NC and I'm not sure I'd be strong enough to resist if he did try to pull me back in. I just wish I had an explanation as to the 180 change in behavior. Maybe I only think it will make me feel better, but it would only make me feel worse.

 

Oh well, not getting answers either way...!

 

Nothing will ever hurt worse than that feeling of rejection and abandonment and not truly understanding why. I wish I had the answers for you and many here can understand your feelings.

The daily standing still grieving it has battered myself esteem and robbed me of a hope and love I placed all my bets on.

 

 

The lonliness of a tragic unexpected ending is some kind of pain I never knew existed nor could cut so deep. Its beyond basic sadness... its greif beyond all explanation and Im fighting and battling my way out of it because I just couldn't imagine hurting another this way and so cold and cruel, but this doesn't change the facts...the one I loved did it, many men (and women) who were loved and trusted by another on these boards were hurt and this spells that these vague relationships just have no good ending, no promise or commitment or guarantee they will ever pay off.

I wanna heal actively and try my hardest to claw back to my life and existence as it were, to the woman I once was who loved life and smiled when I opened my eyes.

 

 

Im gonna try and get myself back and I hope you can too cause the answers from these guys wont come...but if they did it would be a long the lines of "It was fun while it lasted" meaning, it was a swept away in the moment time and reality in the long run doesn't let you live on that cloud 9 for life.

[Rainbow00]

Nothing will ever hurt worse than that feeling of rejection and abandonment and not truly understanding why. I wish I had the answers for you and many here can understand your feelings.

The daily standing still grieving it has battered myself esteem and robbed me of a hope and love I placed all my bets on.

 

 

The lonliness of a tragic unexpected ending is some kind of pain I never knew existed nor could cut so deep. Its beyond basic sadness... its greif beyond all explanation and Im fighting and battling my way out of it because I just couldn't imagine hurting another this way and so cold and cruel, but this doesn't change the facts...the one I loved did it, many men (and women) who were loved and trusted by another on these boards were hurt and this spells that these vague relationships just have no good ending, no promise or commitment or guarantee they will ever pay off.

I wanna heal actively and try my hardest to claw back to my life and existence as it were, to the woman I once was who loved life and smiled when I opened my eyes.

 

 

Im gonna try and get myself back and I hope you can too cause the answers from these guys wont come...but if they did it would be a long the lines of "It was fun while it lasted" meaning, it was a swept away in the moment time and reality in the long run doesn't let you live on that cloud 9 for life.

 

Yeah... sometimes I keep going in circles in my head. I want to know why he said he wanted to meet up again, and start talking again, and then drop me. I want to know why he did it without an explanation. But someone on here told me, the more you ask and the more answers you get, the more questions you'll have... I'm trying to take that to heart. And I can guess what the answers are. If he DID answer me, I wouldn't believe his words anyway, right? So I need to look for closure within myself.

 

It is so, so lonely. Things seemed to be going so well, and then that one relatively minor fight.. I was dropped. I still wish I didn't pick that fight, but I know this is for the best long term. Like you, I'm trying to find who I was before he did this to me. Before I allowed myself to participate in this type of relationship. It was so fun and I got my highs while it lasted, but now, it's definitely not worth it. ANd breaking NC, that was even worse!! What you said, "it was fun while it lasted" - he said that to me when he was ending things with me. It sucks that they see it so frivolously and for us, we are attached and hurt. I hope we can move forward together.. I'm sending you good thoughts!!

[Rainbow00]

Emotional mind vs. rational mind. It's a tough concept, but I think you really need to start using it in order to have moments of clarity and pull yourself out of this. Your emotional mind is thinking exactly what you just wrote. That you somehow failed, that you weren't good enough and that's why he walked away, etc. Now for the tough part. Rational mind... your very first post here a few weeks ago stated you had to cool things down because his wife was getting suspicious. His actions likely have nothing to do with you personally. He does not want to lose his marriage, plain and simple. Can't remember if there's kids involved with him, but that's another factor.

 

I can't keep everyone straight on these boards and who's in IC and who's not, but do you see someone? If so, ask her about CBT techniques. It's a therapy that's focused on changing negative thinking patterns. It can be used in almost any situation, but it's very useful for self-esteem issues.

 

I was in IC during part of the EA, I had a few "free" (insurance paid) sessions. But they ran out, and I cannot afford them. I had some life events happen where now I can hardly afford to pay the bills. But that's irrelevant (besides that maybe I used xMM to emotionally support me during those life events). I did buy "Ignore the guy, get the guy: the art of NC" (something like that...) and I am now reading "codependent no more". Between these books and this forum, I think is helping me even more than the IC did! So I am so thankful for you guys.

 

Yes, I agree that rationally, his actions dont have anything to do with me. His wife was getting suspicious. He has kids, and though unhappy with his wife, was never going to leave his kids/family. So when she got suspicious, it made sense he would break things off. But during our EA, she got suspicious and he didn't seem to care. Even increased the time we spent together. I used to be "good enough" to get his attention despite the suspicion... and now I'm not. I mean, I should be happy he's trying to recommit, right? If that's what hes doing. Or maybe this fun time with me got too much like a real relationship with real fights and nagging about time... I don't know. I just feel low that I was good enough to have him before, and now I'm not...

[Rainbow00]

Stupidly, sometimes I wonder "maybe today will be the day he'll contact me like he said he would". Then I snap back to reality and realize it's been almost 2 weeks and if he was going to, he would have by now. Not surprised he's a liar, but I always thought he was so sincere when talking to me. And he seemed genuinely excited and meant it when he said that to me. What a fool I am...

 

But now I think I know how he feels about me; the same way I feel about the other man pursuing me. I try to focus on that feeling whenever xMM pops into my head. Just annoyance and a bit of disgust.

[GoldieLox]

I suggest you check some mental health clinics in your area, they often offer either very low cost or sometimes even free counseling. Books and LS are great, but I really think some sessions could help you out. I think there's some deeper issues here than xMM.

 

Just to put this in perspective for you, the xMM in my life... his wife used to get suspicious because every time he and I were "together", he'd come home from work and apparently act different and give off vibes. She even started going through his phone one day (fruitless, we never communicated outside of work). But it went on like this for months, and we kept engaging anyway. Finally though, it got to be too much for him. He did not want his kids taken away. My point is, feelings change, they build up. You can't take it as a reflection on yourself.

 

I'm still rips%&t about the way it ended between him and I. Yes, my self-esteem is in the goddamn toilet. But deep down, rationally, I understand why. (I understand why, the way it ended was absurd though). I hope you will too one day understand and start to free yourself from it. You're worth so much more than to sit around pining away.

[Rainbow00]

I suggest you check some mental health clinics in your area, they often offer either very low cost or sometimes even free counseling. Books and LS are great, but I really think some sessions could help you out. I think there's some deeper issues here than xMM.

 

Just to put this in perspective for you, the xMM in my life... his wife used to get suspicious because every time he and I were "together", he'd come home from work and apparently act different and give off vibes. She even started going through his phone one day (fruitless, we never communicated outside of work). But it went on like this for months, and we kept engaging anyway. Finally though, it got to be too much for him. He did not want his kids taken away. My point is, feelings change, they build up. You can't take it as a reflection on yourself.

 

I'm still rips%&t about the way it ended between him and I. Yes, my self-esteem is in the goddamn toilet. But deep down, rationally, I understand why. (I understand why, the way it ended was absurd though). I hope you will too one day understand and start to free yourself from it. You're worth so much more than to sit around pining away.

 

Hi Goldie, thanks for the advice. I actually did try to find some low cost/free mental health therapists in my area, but couldn't find any I was searching because my friend had committed suicide and I needed help dealing with that (so, not xMM related) but I had no luck. At the moment at the very least, LS and those books are helping! I know IC is better and probably more effective, but just isn't in the cards right now.

 

Your experience sounds similar. Mine's W tried going through his phone too, but he refused to let her, and our texts were deleted anyway. This probably got too much for the xMM; his W being suspicious sometimes caused him to stand me up on meetups or "skype dates", which would make me upset. I would often hide it from him because lets be honest, I don't really have a leg to stand on as an AP. But I started getting mad at him for it, expressing my annoyance, which was what culminated in him breaking things off. That was what the argument was about. So I can logically understand why this buildup of emotions and stress could cause him to break it off. But then illogically I'm like.. the longer we're together, the more attached you are to me, right? Was it still so easy to let go? It seems it; his actions showed it. I opened the door, and he dropped me so rudely without an explanation.

 

I hate myself sitting around pining for him, when I'm just a blip in his day. A passing thought if he catches a glance of me. But I'm actively battling to keep him out of my head. In a way, I wish that other man pursuing me would boost my ego or distract me from xMM. Maybe it would help me move on faster. No, I don't mean engaging into an EA or other relationship with the man. Just wished his compliments or actions would at least boost my ego and self esteem enough to really write xMM off.

 

Goldie, did you post about how yours ended? I'm curious if you don't mind linking me or sharing why it was so bad. Heh, misery loves company... in my case.

[Rainbow00]

Ugh I know it's not a linear process but I miss him so so much today. Feel like I gook a hundred steps back. I just want him to tell me he wants me back. I want some relief.

[Decisiontomake]

I hear ya honey. Sending hugs for us both!

[GoldieLox]

Rainbow, if you read the few posts between Blu72 and I on this thread you can read about what happened when it ended between us.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/520503-what-some-worst-things-your-ap-did

 

I'm having a hard day. I just hit a major wall at work. Normally I'd run to him (not necessarily all for emotional support, but for the fact that professionally I know he could help me) and I can't do it. I shouldn't say "can't", technically I can do anything I want; I refuse to do it. I'm going to have to spend the next 2 weeks hoofing it on my own and reaching out to other, less qualified people to help me. Don't dip your pen in the company ink, people. This is why.

[Rainbow00]

Rainbow, if you read the few posts between Blu72 and I on this thread you can read about what happened when it ended between us.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/520503-what-some-worst-things-your-ap-did

 

I'm having a hard day. I just hit a major wall at work. Normally I'd run to him (not necessarily all for emotional support, but for the fact that professionally I know he could help me) and I can't do it. I shouldn't say "can't", technically I can do anything I want; I refuse to do it. I'm going to have to spend the next 2 weeks hoofing it on my own and reaching out to other, less qualified people to help me. Don't dip your pen in the company ink, people. This is why.

 

 

Oh my God exactly this for me today. I had a very bad day at work and I am so stressed and upset. Usually like you I would go to xMM for support both emotionally and professionally. He is not my boss but is high up and owns my project from a high level. He has helped me immensely in the past with great success for both of us on this project. But I can't go to him anymore. I could because I'm entitled to as this is his preject but I refuse to. I miss being able to unload emotionally in his private office and he understands what I'm going through as he knows the project and people. He would talk me down and give me advice personally and professionally. And he would always make calls and make everything ok. But I can't do that. And today I really want both from him. I'm actually leaving work early because I got too emotional at work. I'm trying to figure this on my own with less qualified people as well. But I will not go to him. I know he would help but I can't handle it.

[Rainbow00]

Goldie I read through your posts. From an emotional standpoint it seems very similar to mine (I was never physical with my xMM). But similar like he had middle school aged kids and he told me up front he was never going to leave. And how it was usually all about him and his feelings and very rarely about mine. But stupidly now I can only think of the good things he did for me. Like how he so generously gave me two hours of his time one night. Oh how pathetic. I was so excited and felt so special. Two hours. Jeez.

 

I'm sorry you're also having a bad day at work. I'm trying to remind myself and you as well that we are strong women and don't need their validity. We can make it in our jobs without them too. It's not worth emotionally exposing to them and reaching out for their help. It's not worth it for me.. And I know he'd think it was a bait to get him back too.

 

I'm sorry of the way he ended things with you. I can't imagine how much more it would hurt after being intimate with a man. Even without that for me I'm so hurt. I hope we can be strong and move on together

[GoldieLox]

Yep, today is just a bad day all around Rainbow. I'm starting to get a migraine from the stress of everything in my life right now (unfortunately there's so much more than just this crap. If this was the only thing, my life would be cake). I'm sorry you're going thru this work stuff as well. You know exactly how I feel. HE knows exactly how I feel, because he's been thru something similar. We haven't looked at eachother in over 6 weeks. He won't even turn around and look at me in the hallway. I will not ask him for anything.

 

I will always maintain that I understood why things ended. In essence, he really did us both a favor. Our personal and professional lives were going to implode. He can walk away and pretend to be in his happy little world all he wants. I don't buy it for a second. Obviously he's not taking it as hard as I am because he doesn't have anywhere near the self-esteem issues I have, but if there were feelings involved, it was harder for him than he's making it out to be.

[81West]

Ugh I know it's not a linear process but I miss him so so much today. Feel like I gook a hundred steps back. I just want him to tell me he wants me back. I want some relief.

 

It's not a hundred steps back. The only thing you need to keep steady is the knowledge and belief and commitment that you deserve to be somebody's first choice, fully and openly and securely loved. Memories and missing and sadness and hope can and will come in and out and through all that like the tide. It pulls you out and pushes you in and sometimes you feel cold and tired and overwhelmed, but you're still swimming in the sea of self belief that you chose for yourself.