I need your and Abusive Relationship

[bobbybingo]

I need your help and advice please.

 

My wife and I have been together since we were 17 and married four years ago, we have a teenage daughter. Our child was born when we were both 21 and still at university. I have a professional job, and have worked hard to provide for my family. I have provided and supported my wife to raise our daughter. Since our daughters birth my wife is always been critical of my family and friendships. We are very insular as a couple and our only social outlet is through attending family events. My wife does not approve of me spending much time with my parents, siblings or socialising with work colleagues, so I have kept these to an absolute minimum. My wife dislikes my mother and criticises me for having many of my fathers personality traits. My parents were divorced when I was a 5, it was messy and has affected me lots of ways, until recently I was unaware this was the case.

About five years ago my wife's attitude towards me changed, she said that she doesn't feel like I love her and that only what her for sex, this dynamic has played out several times of our relationship. So we though getting married would cement our relationship, our wedding day was fantastic, a very small intimate wedding with just on close family. Since then our relationship has become very difficult. I found it extremely challenging to meet my wife's expectations. She would say things like "my husband doesn't do that;" blame me for problems with our daughter and criticise decisions about where we live, purchases we have made. Sometimes she would not speak to me for days, and tell me that I should know why she was unhappy. She would not hug me, kiss me or be affectionate unless I did something to make her happy. Sex has always been a really important part of our relationship, she started to withhold sex as a way of punishing me. When I instigated sex she would call me a pervert and say that she felt like a whore. I tried really hard to meet my wife's expectations and make her happy however about 3 years ago, I had a breakdown. I didn't realise this at the time, I thought I was just ill, when I analysed everything I decided this wouldn't happen again. So I gave up, started turning down her suggestions and spent less time with her so as not to be on the end of her hurtful behaviour. I started walking, mountain biking and going to the gym. I also changed my job to give me a different focus. My new job is challenging and i enjoyed this, however my new role made my wife very insecure, especially as most of my new work colleagues were female. My wife started checking my work email, accusing me of flirting and being too friendly and putting my job before her and my daughter. My wife's behaviour became very irrational, she became hyper vigilant and critical of anything I did.... During this time I had a couple of WTF moments, the most hurtful was my wife being very difficult and rude during my mums 60th birthday celebrations.

 

Whilst on a work trip two years ago I received and replied to text messages that a work colleague sent me who was also on the trip. They were quite flirty, I know that I shouldn't have responded, however it felt good to have someone give me some positive attention. During this time another work colleague also texted me to say she would miss me during the holidays. I deleted the messages off my phone. About 1 month later a work colleagues husband called me to ask if anything was going on between me and his wife, I was shocked, nothing had ever gone on, she was a work colleague and I didn't understand why he was calling me. I did the right thing and told my wife. My wife went ballistic, she downloaded some software to analyse my phone and read the messages I'd deleted. She then called the women... I was shocked and embarrassed; this made my work life very difficult. My wife insisted we visit marriage counselling, claiming that i had had an affair, which i hadn't. I love my wife dearly and would never consider such a thing. I went along reluctantly; I found it really useful and it helped me understand how I felt and why. My wife only attended two sessions, then disengaged saying the marriage guidance counsellor was taking my side and they were no longer useful. The marriage guidance counsellor suggested to me that my wife's behaviour was abusive; that she jus wanted me all to herself. I planned to leave, but just couldn't. That was two years ago and since then my wife has reminded me almost every day about all the mistakes that I've ever made in our relationship. She's called me a bad father (I have a fantastic relationship with my daughter), told me I've ruined her life, accuses me of flirting with any woman I speak to, insists on reading my work emails, regularly checks my phone, she's punched me, throw hot tea in my face and had many rage attacks. On top of this she reminds me almost daily about things I've done that have hurt her. She's trying to control what I wear, stopped me from putting product on my hair, wearing any scents. Tries to control who I speak to and has banned me from socialising with my male work colleagues(which I rarely do). She blames me for all the problems in our relationship; when I challenge about her abusive behaviour, she says I deserve it because of the mistakes I've made in the past. This September I said that i would fully support her in going to university to re-train, thinking that this might improve things as she was unhappy in her job, it has made no difference and just gives her more time to think about things, which actually makes it worse.

 

When things are good, there really good, I really love my wife, she's a great mother and a very attractive women. We have no money worries, go on regular holidays, live in a nice house in a fantastic part of the country. But I cannot live my life like it is at the moment, I'll be dead by the age of 50 if I do.

 

I'm 36, have no friends apart from work colleagues, I've invested my whole adult life in this relationship. Although money is not a worry, I will be unable to support paying for two houses, which I presume will happen if I leave as my wife has no income. Most of all I really don't want my daughter to go through the same heartache I had when my parents divorced and fear that my wife will turn her against me.

[sandylee1]

Why not try another MC? She couldn't take the truth, so she stopped going.

 

Though I believe your wife needs IC. She clearly has problems.

 

The thing is she is being abusive and I question why you tolerate being punched and having tea thrown at you. She's a violent woman and unless she gets help, then I think you should end the marriage. It's not good for your daughter to think any of this is normal.

 

I'm sure those text messages didn't help and I have to ask what made those women think it was okay to send a married man such messages. It's wholly inappropriate and has probably made her more insecure. That doesn't excuse her violent behaviour in any way at all though.

 

I believe a certain line was crossed between you and these women before they sent the texts. That doesn't happen out of the blue, so please be honest about it. Have you discussed your marriage or other intimate details with them?

 

People treat you how you let them. Put a stop to her treating you like this . Your wife is abusive.

[bobbybingo]

I have never talked to anyone about my marriage. The phone call came out of the blue, basically the women in the office were on a night out and one of them texted me. I presume for a joke and her partner saw it and called me. It said, have a good holiday, miss you. x I agree it is out of order and I didn't reply, I just deleted it.

[mrs rubble]

Your wife sounds like a prize biatch!

 

Sandylee is right,

1) Do not let your daughter grow up to believe that this is normal behavior. It isn't.

2) You are allowing her to act this way, stop letting her!!

 

Personally I allowed my ex-hubby to abuse me for about 7 years, leaving him was tough and the fallout with the children awful, but I did, and I only look back to see how far I've come these day's.

You need to tell her in no uncertain terms that the time has come for her to treat you with respect and kindness or you leave, and mean it.

 

Have a little respect for yourself and teach your daughter how to stand up to a bully!

[Anderlie]

Mate, have a look at what you've written and imagine you were a woman writing that about her husband. What would you say to that woman? I'm going to take a rough guess that you'd say she was an abused and battered wife and needed to get out for her own safety.

 

You are being abused.

 

Your marriage is abusive.

 

Your wife isn't justifiably punishing you for wrongs you've committed, she has consistently engaged in isolating and controlling behaviours for many years and used blowing up in rages at you as a tool to keep you in line. She's a textbook abuser.

 

I'm not sure where you are but you need to contact some form of domestic abuse hotline so you can safely extricate yourself from this monster (and maybe your daughter too?). Talk to a lawyer. You need to thoroughly document everything she does to you physically and verbally so when you divorce you can hopefully get custody. The text message issue is nothing, just another way to control you, forget about it. Just get out as quickly as you can.

[davidromero43]

What you allow is what will continue.

 

You might reach a breaking point where you will have to make a choice. Do I make myself happy, or do I make her happy. Because it sounds like it is an either or situation.

[MJJean]

And I thought I was a b*tch on wheels....

 

Your wife treats you like **** and she seems to be doing it in order to manipulate you, control you, and run you down so that you won't have the confidence to leave her.

 

I'm not saying divorce. Maybe there is hope that your wife could be lead to see that she has some serious problems and needs to change for her own happiness as well as the happiness of her family. But, I think, for a woman like your wife that kind of change won't happen without some serious...motivation.

 

Explain calmly and firmly to your wife what you have said here. Phrase it however you want, but make sure that you minimize making her feel attacked. Then explain to her that she has to get into IC and MC or you will leave. Let her threat and rail if she must, but stay firm. Make an exit plan and stick to it if she doesn't make a serious effort in short order. If necessary, separate and try working on it from outside the shared home. Should that fail, get out, man! No one deserves to be treated badly.