Just broken up. Should we stay friends or have no contact?

[aloneinaz]

I would let him know that you need some time to process your feelings, and that in order to accomplish that you think it would be best if y'all took a break from seeing or speaking to each other for awhile. I'd be sure to make it clear that you still care, but not in a desperate way that makes him think you'll wait around for him.

 

I personally felt this approach was much better for me instead up just cutting him off without saying anything. I know the guilt of doing that would make me even more weak and feel like I have to break NC to explain myself, so I let my ex know I had to stop talking to him for the time being while I heal. It made him a little upset but it's what I had to do.

 

I think this "Hey, just to let you know" is nothing but an excuse to have contact with your ex and hope it opens further dialogue. You need to cut contact and it's not RUDE to stop communicating with them. When someone ends a relationship, you OWE THEM NOTHING..

 

You need to break the cord and move on. Not listening to the advice of others who've been through this process isn't always wise..

[Annie767]

That's what has been suggested to me when I 'got dumped'. Because sometimes the announcement of no contact can be seen as game playing and you get hurt when you don't get a response.

But like I said in my recent breakup we agreed that we needed some time with no contact to get our heads straight. I won't be having any contact with him until I'm 100% over it. For my own sake.

[Annie767]

And as added by other posters, why would I stick around and emotionally support him until someone new comes along and demands that I'm gone.

Only person who gets hurt there is me. No thanks.

[rie39]

Hmm, so people seem to have conflicting opinions on whether I should text him to say I want NC, or just go NC without saying anything. :/

[Ruby65]

Hmm, so people seem to have conflicting opinions on whether I should text him to say I want NC, or just go NC without saying anything. :/

 

Here's the thing, imo.

 

Do you feel that if you don't tell him you're cutting contact, you might continue to be waiting and hoping to hear from him? To the point it interferes with your healing?

 

If so, then just send him a one-line letting him know and thanking him for understanding.

 

If you feel that you're sending him this JUST TO GET A RESPONSE? Then no, don't send it. Going No Contact shouldn't be used as an opportunity to reach out and have contact.

 

It's so so tempting and so so hard to resist making contact immediately after a breakup and people will use any excuse to do so..... going No Contact shouldn't be an opportunity to reach out.

 

So, if you CAN go No Contact without letting him know.... do it.

 

Just my opinion.

[rie39]

Here's the thing, imo.

 

Do you feel that if you don't tell him you're cutting contact, you might continue to be waiting and hoping to hear from him? To the point it interferes with your healing?

 

If so, then just send him a one-line letting him know and thanking him for understanding.

 

If you feel that you're sending him this JUST TO GET A RESPONSE? Then no, don't send it. Going No Contact shouldn't be used as an opportunity to reach out and have contact.

 

It's so so tempting and so so hard to resist making contact immediately after a breakup and people will use any excuse to do so..... going No Contact shouldn't be an opportunity to reach out.

 

So, if you CAN go No Contact without letting him know.... do it.

 

Just my opinion.

 

No I don't feel that not telling him I want NC is making me want him or wait for his texts more. I feel that it actually helps me me want to not text him and move on. I'm scared that if I tell him I want NC I'll be weak and have the urge to contact him, knowing I absolutely can't. In the past few days I've have no urge to text him though.

 

I wouldn't do it to get a response, I'd do it just to make it clear that 1. I need time to think about what I want and how I feel 2. I'm not waiting on him 3. He's really losing me, this isn't one of those previous breakups where we'd get back together.

[aloneinaz]

In the past few days I've have no urge to text him though.

 

Great, so there's no reason to break contact and "tell" him you're going NC.

 

I wouldn't do it to get a response, I'd do it just to make it clear that 1. I need time to think about what I want and how I feel 2. I'm not waiting on him 3. He's really losing me, this isn't one of those previous breakups where we'd get back together.

 

Yes, you WOULD be looking for a response. After you hit send, you'd be focused on your phone for the rest of the day/days. What if he didn't reply, what so ever? That would hurt you and bother you.

Silence speaks volumes and would tell him EVERYTHING you want to say by texting him. You've never gone radio silence on him apparently. If you do now, trust me, he'll get the hint that it's OVER..

 

Don't text him.. There's NO value in it.

[Ruby65]

^ I'm inclined to agree.

 

It's not worth it -- just go ahead and block him and stick to your NC.

 

Re-read the No Contact Guide posted on this site and this guide here: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

 

All these questions about how/when/if/why to go No Contact are answered in the recovery guide.

[Ijustdon'tgetit]

Hi, I really feel I agree to what you're saying here. I know this may go against a lot of other people's advice, but I have decided that instead of going full NC I'm going to keep not texting him but while still being "friends" with him. If I know he's absolutely not there, it makes me more inclined to text him and I don't want that, but it's easier for me to move on if he is kind of there, if that makes sense? I do have to think of what makes me happy and I feel this is the best way for ME to wean off him.

 

 

Hi Rie,

 

Everyone thinks differently. I especially agree that you should listen to the people who have experienced break ups already and came out on the other side. The people on here who are still in the thick of it (like myself) can't really give 100% sound advice. We can only give our opinions of how we'd handle it but no actual experience backing it. Plus, experiences and opinions are just that. There is no "one fits all."

 

What you stated above, as well as what Ruby mentioned, I agree with it NOW. When I first went NC, I told my ex that I needed time to move on but I had so many conflicting thoughts. I felt bad after telling him I wanted NC to move on because I felt if he wanted to be friends then I wanted to try to be friends. (Which I'll admit sounds like warped ideas) Then I wanted to believe I was getting over him while being friends. I messaged him a week later. He mentioned he didn't think he would hear from me again. As an excuse for talking to him again, I told him "I only needed time to think."

 

When I read your post above, I related to what you said. Currently, I think I want to "wean off" him and now that I know he's still there and we're on speaking terms, I'm just going NC and not going to message him again. If I say I want to go NC to my ex now, it'll look like I'm indecisive and don't follow my words. I'll lose credibility. So, looking back at my experience now, it all clicks and what Ruby has said makes so much sense to me. I only said it to him to get a reaction. If I was serious about NC, I probably would have just did it, not "threaten" it. I realize now I should have just ended contact.

 

I had some fears and false notions about NC. I'm addressing them now because NC just makes so much sense (I say that today- who knows what I'll think tomorrow lol.)

I feared he'd forget about me which is not true. The consensus is that you don't forget, if they meant something to you. I'll continue to address my reasons for not following NC so that I will follow it strictly in the future. I sincerely want to move on and so I think I'm safe to say I will follow it this time, even if he messages me.

 

Bottom line - every one of us must try to do what we think is best for us. This is how we learn. Mind you, with a lot of thought first. Although some people, myself included, are impulsive and learn the hard way. That's why I read on LS, to gain opinions and see others' experiences. Then, I implement what I think is best for me.

 

I think we should both just block our ex's and focus on ourselves. I don't think our ex's really care about us either way (at least not enough to want to date us) and if they did, they will most certainly find a way to get in touch with us. There's no point in carrying on with someone who doesn't want us - today, not when they want to settle later..

 

I guess I'm finally getting to that point where I'm aware I'm wasting time and energy on someone who doesn't want the same as I do and is moving on. Every time I talk to my ex I get more and more frustrated. So, if I'm serious about wanting to move on, this is the prudent way to do it.

[aloneinaz]

Hi Rie,

 

I feared he'd forget about me which is not true. The consensus is that you don't forget, if they meant something to you.

 

Going NC and vanishing from your ex's life doesn't make them forget you. In most cases, it makes them respect you for having the balls to do it to them. It also allows them to MISS you and in SOME cases, come back for another try. Continuing to contact them, begging, pleading, annoying them PUSHES them away quickly.

 

 

I think we should both just block our ex's and focus on ourselves. I don't think our ex's really care about us either way (at least not enough to want to date us) and if they did, they will most certainly find a way to get in touch with us.

 

This is what the freshly dumped need to understand. You're not PUNISHING the dumper by vanishing and going NC. You're worrying about YOU and what's best for you is to heal is to have NC with them.

 

My last ex dumped me. I went strict NC and VANISHED from her life. Blocked her on everything.. She came to my house after 6 months but I was napping. She texted (which I ignored) she emailed two weeks later.. So, yea, they will find you IF they want to get you back. Mine was told no thanks..

 

I guess I'm finally getting to that point where I'm aware I'm wasting time and energy on someone who doesn't want the same as I do and is moving on.

 

Exactly.. That's what allowed me to go strict NC from the time I walked out of her door when she dumped me. The message of being dumped is "I don't want you in my life anymore and don't care if I ever see you again".. My mindset was FU then and she got what she requested..

[rie39]

Hi Rie,

 

Everyone thinks differently. I especially agree that you should listen to the people who have experienced break ups already and came out on the other side. The people on here who are still in the thick of it (like myself) can't really give 100% sound advice. We can only give our opinions of how we'd handle it but no actual experience backing it. Plus, experiences and opinions are just that. There is no "one fits all."

 

What you stated above, as well as what Ruby mentioned, I agree with it NOW. When I first went NC, I told my ex that I needed time to move on but I had so many conflicting thoughts. I felt bad after telling him I wanted NC to move on because I felt if he wanted to be friends then I wanted to try to be friends. (Which I'll admit sounds like warped ideas) Then I wanted to believe I was getting over him while being friends. I messaged him a week later. He mentioned he didn't think he would hear from me again. As an excuse for talking to him again, I told him "I only needed time to think."

 

When I read your post above, I related to what you said. Currently, I think I want to "wean off" him and now that I know he's still there and we're on speaking terms, I'm just going NC and not going to message him again. If I say I want to go NC to my ex now, it'll look like I'm indecisive and don't follow my words. I'll lose credibility. So, looking back at my experience now, it all clicks and what Ruby has said makes so much sense to me. I only said it to him to get a reaction. If I was serious about NC, I probably would have just did it, not "threaten" it. I realize now I should have just ended contact.

 

I had some fears and false notions about NC. I'm addressing them now because NC just makes so much sense (I say that today- who knows what I'll think tomorrow lol.)

I feared he'd forget about me which is not true. The consensus is that you don't forget, if they meant something to you. I'll continue to address my reasons for not following NC so that I will follow it strictly in the future. I sincerely want to move on and so I think I'm safe to say I will follow it this time, even if he messages me.

 

Bottom line - every one of us must try to do what we think is best for us. This is how we learn. Mind you, with a lot of thought first. Although some people, myself included, are impulsive and learn the hard way. That's why I read on LS, to gain opinions and see others' experiences. Then, I implement what I think is best for me.

 

I think we should both just block our ex's and focus on ourselves. I don't think our ex's really care about us either way (at least not enough to want to date us) and if they did, they will most certainly find a way to get in touch with us. There's no point in carrying on with someone who doesn't want us - today, not when they want to settle later..

 

I guess I'm finally getting to that point where I'm aware I'm wasting time and energy on someone who doesn't want the same as I do and is moving on. Every time I talk to my ex I get more and more frustrated. So, if I'm serious about wanting to move on, this is the prudent way to do it.

 

Hi, thanks for sharing that. I do definitely feel the way you shared that you felt with your ex That by staying friends with him I can wean off him.

 

True, why break NC to say you want NC? Other people on this thread have mentioned the issue with that too.

 

I think after all maybe my motive for saying to my ex that "I want NC" would be just for a reaction. You're right, if I really care about going NC I'd just do it, without feeling the need to tell him and get a reaction. I think I've come to the conclusion that what I'm doing now is right - not bothering to tell him I'm going NC, just doing it. Not the wanting to stay friends part, though. I should stop expecting that. I hope you heal better as time goes by

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

OP, I was under the impression that you and your ex were still talking and that's why I recommended shooting him a text about going NC. I wasn't recommending breaking NC to do it. I was just saying that, in my case, I DID do that at first because I felt guilty, and that if you and I had similar personalities, you probably felt guilty in that situation too.

[rie39]

aloneinaz and Ruby65: Thanks for your input. I agree with you guys. I think I should not bother texting my ex to say I want NC.

[rie39]

OP, I was under the impression that you and your ex were still talking and that's why I recommended shooting him a text about going NC. I wasn't recommending breaking NC to do it. I was just saying that, in my case, I DID do that at first because I felt guilty, and that if you and I had similar personalities, you probably felt guilty in that situation too.

 

My ex and I haven't actually texted in the past few days. We DID talk very casually when we first broke up but lately there's just been NC at all. I thought that when he said we'd stay friends we would be talking a bit more than this but I guess we are drifting apart, really.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

My ex and I haven't actually texted in the past few days. We DID talk very casually when we first broke up but lately there's just been NC at all. I thought that when he said we'd stay friends we would be talking a bit more than this but I guess we are drifting apart, really.

 

I would just leave it be for now. If you two had an understanding that you were on good terms before you stopped talking, at least he knows that. In my case it was (the first time) he packed up his stuff, broke up with me, walked out and I went NC and I wanted him to know I still cared. But your situation seems to be a little more favorable than mine,

[Ijustdon'tgetit]

I would just leave it be for now. If you two had an understanding that you were on good terms before you stopped talking, at least he knows that. In my case it was (the first time) he packed up his stuff, broke up with me, walked out and I went NC and I wanted him to know I still cared. But your situation seems to be a little more favorable than mine,

 

 

ColdandLonelyinAK,

 

 

Your situation sounds exactly like everyone else but it seems like you think yours is different.. Look at the actions.. Your ex broke up with you and he's not making any serious attempt to date you again. I'm not sure why you think your situation is any different. You're holding on to hope when it's clear, similar to all of our situations, our exes no longer want what we want. You must let go and focus on yourself. It's the only way you can move on. You can still miss someone while moving on and focusing on yourself. Eventually, you'll realize the reality of your situation through NC I think..

[sadpanda3]

It can be really hard to cut somebody off completely....I wouldn't suggest going no contact, since you might regret it later on, or feel ashamed if you end up breaking no contact. However, I would keep communication at a strict minimum and avoid any touchy subjects if not absolutely necessary. After a while of limited contact you might realise that you don't even wish to stay in contact anymore, which will make it easier to move on.

[aloneinaz]

It can be really hard to cut somebody off completely....I wouldn't suggest going no contact, since you might regret it later on, or feel ashamed if you end up breaking no contact. However, I would keep communication at a strict minimum and avoid any touchy subjects if not absolutely necessary. After a while of limited contact you might realise that you don't even wish to stay in contact anymore, which will make it easier to move on.

 

This is the ABSOLUTE worst thing you can do.. It's like telling an alcoholic, yea just keep drinking, but do it moderately.

[Simon Phoenix]

This is the ABSOLUTE worst thing you can do.. It's like telling an alcoholic, yea just keep drinking, but do it moderately.

 

Agreed. No offense sadpanda, but your suggestion is not good. There's no grey area with No Contact, either you are or you aren't. Being in quasi-No Contact limbo is lighting a match in a vat of gasoline.