What's your best dating lesson so far?

[RedRobin]

The lesson I learned late in the game that I would do different if I could go back in time, is I would ask out whoever I was interested in, even if they were already dating someone. If I could go back I would express my interest and make the offer even if they were seeing someone.

I would leave it to them if they were going to be exclusive to the other guy or not.

 

The lesson I learned is most people in dating relationships aren't as serious or as exclusive as you might think and if you are honest about your interests and make a valid offer, they might just take you up on it.

 

A key piece of that lesson is the most desirable people are never completely free and single, they are always involved with someone to one degree or another. If they decide they want something different, they will secure someone else and then monkey swing to the next. If you aren't already next on their list, you are just going to be on the sidelines watching from afar.

 

You have to risk rejection, risk making someone else mad and even risk a confrontation. If you wait for the best to be completely free and clear of all entanglements, you are going to spend your life waiting.

 

 

The 'best' people don't monkey branch. They make a choice to either work on the relationship or leave it behind if it isn't working and be single. If they don't have the courage to do that, then they are just cowards or lazy.

 

 

I wouldn't want someone who would monkey branch. Poor character. That isn't the 'best' in my mind at all. Same reason I don't date promiscuous men or those who have FWB. Or really any men who have little or no discretion or self-restraint. Lazy. Their dick just really isn't gold plated.

 

 

Lots of those men will lie about their associations though. See post above about getting STD tests in advance... works like a charm.

[todreaminblue]

I think this illustrates my point well. If someone is committed to their current R, they will decline the offer.

 

If they are not so committed or if they think the new offer is clearly a better deal, they will accept.

 

It is incumbent on each individual to be the best candidate that they can be. The better candidate they are and the better offer they are able to make, the more successful they will be.

 

 

thanks for clarifying your post.....i was thinking more of committed relationships i guess..where if you are exclusive and committed no offer will sway the person you are interested in even if it is a more attractive offer and however heartfelt that offer may be..so in that respect why would you try to even offer..but if the relationship isnt exclusive and committed and you know it ...its worth a try i guess....i just know that when i was involved and committed nothing could sway me.....my rules on the playing field are not negotiable......i guess my ex didnt feel the same..........deb...

[oldshirt]

thanks for clarifying your post.....i was thinking more of committed relationships i guess..where if you are exclusive and committed no offer will sway the person you are interested in even if it is a more attractive offer and however heartfelt that offer may be..so in that respect why would you try to even offer..but if the relationship isnt exclusive and committed and you know it ...its worth a try i guess....i just know that when i was involved and committed nothing could sway me.....my rules on the playing field are not negotiable......i guess my ex didnt feel the same..........deb...

 

 

 

I'm not sure you are quite understanding my point even now.

 

 

One of the points I would trying to make is that you shouldn't try to guess how committed someone is and you shouldn't assume that they are seriously committed and would thus reject your offer.

 

 

You never truly know what is going on in someone else's mind or in their heart, so don't try to guess. Just make the honest attempt.

 

 

Some people will be so committed to their current relationship that they will accept no other offer no matter what.

 

 

However others may be ready to bolt at the drop of a hat and will jump at the chance.

 

 

The problem is you won't know which is which until you give it an honest try.

 

 

My point is don't try to guess, just give it the honest try and let the chips fall where they may.

[todreaminblue]

I'm not sure you are quite understanding my point even now.

 

 

One of the points I would trying to make is that you shouldn't try to guess how committed someone is and you shouldn't assume that they are seriously committed and would thus reject your offer.

 

 

You never truly know what is going on in someone else's mind or in their heart, so don't try to guess. Just make the honest attempt.

 

 

Some people will be so committed to their current relationship that they will accept no other offer no matter what.

 

 

However others may be ready to bolt at the drop of a hat and will jump at the chance.

 

 

The problem is you won't know which is which until you give it an honest try.

 

 

My point is don't try to guess, just give it the honest try and let the chips fall where they may.

 

 

i do understand your point oldshirt......and what you said about if a person is truly committed is what my point is also...we agree on that......they wont budge......if asked....but...my point is if you have been told someone is committed do you respect that or still try anyway......in your mind i guess its yes...no harm in trying sort of response......deb

[aloneinaz]

Listen to your gut and the little voice in the back of your head if red flags appear on date one. Leave early if they are really WHACKED!

[calvincline47]

Hey guys, recently I read this quite good article about dating lessons and it also makes me curious what dating lessons people have?

 

I'm curious what dating lessons you guys have learned as well? I want to learn too!!

 

- Don't date a woman seriously that has slept around a lot.

 

- Women that complain about how difficult they have it are really just insanely picky and have many many options (I've seen this play out a ton IRL).

 

- Don't let your friends hook you up.

 

- Persistence works VERY well and gets the girl almost every time.

 

- If men want to successfully date, they need to suck it up and be willing to get rejected a lot. If they don't want to do this, they can travel to a third world country and have their choice of women (for the most part).

 

I'm sure there's more, but that's all I can think of right now.

[oldshirt]

Which leads me to my biggest lesson in dating. Relationships end the same way they begin. If you hit on a woman and she leaves her current SO for you, she will do the same to you. I don't need a woman that is still actively fielding offers from other men while she is in a relationship. I doubt my GF would want me doing that to her.

 

We are talking about lessons learned in the field here and many of them have been learned the hard way and lot things aren't pretty.

 

 

A couple take-away lessons here -

 

 

One is many times "SOs" aren't as "S" as you think they are.

 

 

The other is that a lot of people (mostly women but men do it too) will keep a "place holder" which someone they date so they aren't alone and can say that they are dating someone, but they really aren't all that into them or all that committed to them. They can easily be snatched away if new candidate is good and they make a good offer.

 

 

Another is people that have lots of options will often monkey-swing from one to the next with very little if any down time in between.

 

 

Another is someone may not be technically cheating per se but they are warming up their next suitor on deck before the dump their current. If you aren't that next one in line being warmed up, you aren't going to be next at bat.

 

 

And finally, the best and most desirable are never truly free and single. That are always seeing someone to one degree or another. If you aren't ready, willing and able to get in there and compete head to head, you aren't going to be the one with them at the end of the day.

 

 

Those might be inconvenient truths and the may not be very feel-good, but once you accept those truths and start playing their game on their turf, your success rate turns around real fast.

[oldshirt]

-

 

 

 

 

- Don't let your friends hook you up.

.

 

I disagree with this one pretty strongly for the common man/woman.

 

 

If you are really good looking or in the top tier of men or women, then you probably don't need much help unless your friends are even better off than you.

 

 

But if you are an Average Joe or an Average Jane, your friends are your greatest asset. If you can have someone stand up and witness for you, you will have much greater success than if you were to go it alone.

[Shining One]

"Keep your wallet closed until her legs are open" - Said to me after I had spent lots of money "dating" women who were not actually interested in me.

[calvincline47]

I disagree with this one pretty strongly for the common man/woman.

 

 

If you are really good looking or in the top tier of men or women, then you probably don't need much help unless your friends are even better off than you.

 

 

But if you are an Average Joe or an Average Jane, your friends are your greatest asset. If you can have someone stand up and witness for you, you will have much greater success than if you were to go it alone.

 

Maybe I phrased that wrong.

 

I've been set up by friends before (blind date type situations) and it's always been bad. Either the girl is very unattractive or crazy. This is what I meant.

 

However, meeting someone at party, for example, through a mutual friend, getting to know that person a bit, and then having the friend say good things about you is probably the best way to meet someone. But they are not hooking you up directly and are really just helping you out. This works VERY well.

[Auspecial]

Three big ones for me:

 

1. if a guy says he's not ready for a RS, I believe him and I leave. If a man tells me he is not sure if he ever wants to get married, I give him the space he needs to figure it out and leave. I'm 35 this year and I pretty much know what I want from my partner.

 

2. listen to a what a man has to say but most importantly watch his actions and see if his behavior matches his words. Leave if the inconsistencies start mounting up

 

3. Always always always listen to your instinct and be on your guard. Women are very perceptive and we perceive the inconsistencies, inadvertences, hesitations - all those little details that hide those dreaded red flags. Keep it real, remember those details and if you have questions, always ask. Never leave anything unsaid - good or bad. It makes like easier - during the RS and after the RS.

 

 

Love it! Thank You Candie!

[Auspecial]

I disagree with this one pretty strongly for the common man/woman.

 

 

If you are really good looking or in the top tier of men or women, then you probably don't need much help unless your friends are even better off than you.

 

 

But if you are an Average Joe or an Average Jane, your friends are your greatest asset. If you can have someone stand up and witness for you, you will have much greater success than if you were to go it alone.

 

--OR--

 

If you are reasonably attractive and have had a lot of experience with unwanted attentions and you really have always wanted just one good man.......what happens then. ?

[Price2Play]

Listen to your gut and the little voice in the back of your head if red flags appear on date one. Leave early if they are really WHACKED!

 

YES THESE!

 

1. Confirm she's not on a rebound & or a serial dater. Actually pretty easy to figure out.

2. Lingering ex bf's.....ohh we're just "friends"......

3. Party girls maybe be fun for "dating" but typically aren't good for RS & or marriage material.

[Mrin]

Unless you just like the company, don't date people who can't "move" you emotionally

 

There is no such thing as a fix-er-upper when it comes to picking RS partners

 

Squeegee your relationship. That is to say, if something happens or is said that rubs you wrong - clean it up with your RS partner. Squeegee the glass. Don't let it build up. And make sure your RS partner can and will do the same.

[TunaCat]

"Keep your wallet closed until her legs are open" - Said to me after I had spent lots of money "dating" women who were not actually interested in me.

 

As woman, this absolutely enrages me. Whoever said that is basically treating women as sexual objects and nothing more.

 

If I'm dating someone, I'll split the bills of our dates. I've got no problem doing that, but I'm not opening my legs for just anyone. I've got standards and I'm not about to drop them.

 

Besides, if someone is just after sex, then we aren't a good match anyway.

[Mrin]

As woman, this absolutely enrages me. Whoever said that is basically treating women as sexual objects and nothing more.

 

If I'm dating someone, I'll split the bills of our dates. I've got no problem doing that, but I'm not opening my legs for just anyone. I've got standards and I'm not about to drop them.

 

Besides, if someone is just after sex, then we aren't a good match anyway.

 

As a dude this doesn't enrage me. But I do think it is a way to become wealthier... and lonelier.

 

Seriously, you might want to check your swing on the emerald earrings or the bottle of Silver Oak at dinner until you know it is real but being miserly until getting laid is a recipe for not getting laid.

[TunaCat]

- Women that complain about how difficult they have it are really just insanely picky and have many many options (I've seen this play out a ton IRL).

 

I have to disagree with this one. Dating is very very difficult. Especially if you aren't considered hot or sexy.

 

Unfortunately, I do not have many options. I have a fabulous personality, but I'm not smokin' hot, so guys overlook me.

[Timshel]

i do understand your point oldshirt......and what you said about if a person is truly committed is what my point is also...we agree on that......they wont budge......if asked....but...my point is if you have been told someone is committed do you respect that or still try anyway......in your mind i guess its yes...no harm in trying sort of response......deb

 

I know that you are asking oldshirt so I'm a fly (can't sleep.) I'm with you todreaminblue.

 

When I have a wedding band on my hand, I always thought less of the guys that hit on me. i know they saw it, I see their eyes looking right at it and everything about my demeanor and dress says nope, taken.

 

I don't think most guys do that but the one's that do will only have success with dangerous women anyway.

[lovefirst777]

Dating is like a tennis match. You hit the ball over the net and wait for it to return. Whatever you do, don't chase.

 

It is so true you should never chase man. Good quality man will chase you it is so true and he be interested everything you do and attentive listen to your needs and carry them through for you.

[Shining One]

As woman, this absolutely enrages me. Whoever said that is basically treating women as sexual objects and nothing more.

 

If I'm dating someone, I'll split the bills of our dates. I've got no problem doing that, but I'm not opening my legs for just anyone. I've got standards and I'm not about to drop them.

 

Besides, if someone is just after sex, then we aren't a good match anyway.

While his word choice may be crass, it's the meaning behind it that's important. The idea is not to take it literally. I take it as "Don't spend a lot of money on a woman until she has confirmed interest in me". Sex just happens to be one of the ways to confirm interest.

 

You split the bills on your dates, so you're not the type of woman I had been dating when he gave me this advice, thus this does not apply to you.

While many women will be upset by this one, I agree to an extent. My buddy just got friendzoned by a girl he had been "dating." After the 4th or 5th date, many of them pretty expensive nights out with dinner and drinks, he got kicked to the curb. I can imagine he spent little over $500 bucks on this girl, all for her to date some other guy instead. I told him not to drop more than a few bucks until he knows she is worth it, but he didn't listen.

This it the exact situation I'm referring to. I have quite a few of these stories. Edited May 20, 2015 by Shining One

[RedRobin]

I would never be able to trust a man who hit on me knowing I had a BF or spouse.

 

These are the same men who later hit on me when I was authentically single, but they were married. Their so called morals work both ways. I see their marriages based on convenience or power and I feel sorry for them. Not sorry enough to help them monkey branch or cheat.

 

No person is so physically attractive to make integrity unimportant in my mind.

 

Don't give a crap what he looks like or how much money he has. I would die celibate before giving whatever time I have on this earth to such a 'man'. Life is too short to spend it with back stabbing opportunists.

Edited May 20, 2015 by RedRobin

[lana-banana]

No matter the circumstance, never give more than you get. If a guy is lukewarm towards you, don't pour your heart and soul into elaborate efforts to win him over. Don't try to be a martyr doing all the hard work in your relationship. And when he cuts the cord and moves on don't try to fight it.

 

If I had known this five years ago I would have avoided the two worst heartbreaks of my life. The breakups were bad enough, but the situations became infinitely worse when I couldn't accept the reality. I hurt myself more than either of those dolts ever could.

[RedRobin]

These so-called truths do not hold true for every woman. In fact, the best women don't do this at all, and if they did, I would not consider them good women, let alone the best. Any woman that is still fielding offers from other men while she is in a relationship is not relationship material, IMO.

 

 

I wish I could like this 10X. The best people aren't looking for better offers, aren't casting a roving eye while supposedly 'invested' in another person.

 

 

Not everyone is looking for a bigger better deal while in their current relationship.

 

 

Lots of people are fully invested and are blind-sided by the opportunists. For that, I feel we need to 'out' the opportunists.... which I have no problem doing.

[craw]

There was some great advice at the beginning of this thread!

[Auspecial]

While many women will be upset by this one, I agree to an extent. My buddy just got friendzoned by a girl he had been "dating." After the 4th or 5th date, many of them pretty expensive nights out with dinner and drinks, he got kicked to the curb. I can imagine he spent little over $500 bucks on this girl, all for her to date some other guy instead. I told him not to drop more than a few bucks until he knows she is worth it, but he didn't listen.

 

How about a happy medium?

 

No $500.

 

No "drop a few bucks."