Affair revenge going way to far

[Got it]

The dday was just about one week at the time. BS was in deep shock, stressed, filled with anxiety. Basically her head was still spinning from it all. I believe her motive was to make the OW feel the pain she felt and if that meant her WH speaking to her again, then so be it.

 

 

The thing is you just don't know how anyone is going to react after a dday, so whilst I totally disagree with this, in fact it made my stomach turn, if you engage in an affair, expect the unexpected.

 

I would rather direct revenge, without bringing in a third party .

 

There have been lots of other acts of revenge, that 8 myself wouldn't do, but at least it doesn't involve anyone else. Like the woman who made flyers and posted them up in the OWs neighbourhood and on cars/around her work place saying 'did you know your neighbour ''Jane doe'/ the [insert job title and company name ] fu*** married men' watch your husband blah blah blah.

 

That made the OW loose her job. The company were not having themselves associated with that. Then there was a BW , who emailed all the parents in the class (OWS and her dd were in the same school ,telling them about the affair, that OW was a sl**/wh*** /homewrecker. The OWs dd suffered from this, with playground teasing /gossip and hated her mum.

 

Some said she the BW should have thought of the OWs dd, her response was that OW didn't think of her or her children when she had it off (not her words, just putting it mildly) with her H, so why should she care.

 

When a third party enters a marriage, anything is possible. I know the anger and venom is directed towards the AP and initially this perplexed me, but if reconciliation is your goal, then you have to drop the anger and venom towards your WS.

 

Okay, thanks for the additional information. I still don't think I would want to push for them to talk, as that would just open the door for conversation that you/BS may not know about. I don't know it just opens a whole kettle of fish.

 

And, yes, when you are in an affair you are playing with fire. I think generally that is understood. But that doesn't mean an OP has to roll over and take whatever is dished out; especially if it is illegal, etc. Each party has a right to their actions and the consequences to them, over and over again.

 

We all have to look back on our actions and reconcile them in our hearts and souls. So we have to operate with in that I guess.

 

So, sure, if the BS wants him to say it, fine. Many BS have asked their WS to tell the AP many nasty things to try and inflict pain. I would wonder if I would look back and question "my" having to make my spouse say something and the hollowness of having to force things. But again, to each their own. I guess I hope in her case he can "sell" it and keep selling it. If not it will just fall on deaf ears.

[minimariah]

...the best revenge is silence.

 

basically, this. silence + moving on with dignity. focusing on YOU, no trash talking, no drama, no using kids as a weapon... nothing.

 

i understand why the BS feels hatred & anger for the AP... but in reality - the AP is irrelevant, the AP is simply a tool your WS used in order to hurt you, to show you the marriage is in trouble or done, blah blah... from BS perspective. to a BS - the AP doesn't matter. the AP only matters when he or she become involved in handling the children... and not even then, really.

 

BS usually focus too much on the AP, getting revenge, being mad and angry... instead of their WS. the WS is forgiven and stays, while the AP gets the WS's punishment.

 

in that example where the BS put up flyers of the OW fu*cking married men - why didn't she put up a flyer of her WS fu*king other women? it's a misdirected anger where the WS is some kind of victim (because that's the only way some folks can stay after that kind of betrayal -- they need to convince themselves that it really wasn't WS's fault) & the OW is some kind of witch, seductress, whatever.

 

confucious said - "Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves."

ain't that the truth!

[sandylee1]

basically, this. silence + moving on with dignity. focusing on YOU, no trash talking, no drama, no using kids as a weapon... nothing.

 

i understand why the BS feels hatred & anger for the AP... but in reality - the AP is irrelevant, the AP is simply a tool your WS used in order to hurt you, to show you the marriage is in trouble or done, blah blah... from BS perspective. to a BS - the AP doesn't matter. the AP only matters when he or she become involved in handling the children... and not even then, really.

 

BS usually focus too much on the AP, getting revenge, being mad and angry... instead of their WS. the WS is forgiven and stays, while the AP gets the WS's punishment.

 

in that example where the BS put up flyers of the OW fu*cking married men - why didn't she put up a flyer of her WS fu*king other women? it's a misdirected anger where the WS is some kind of victim (because that's the only way some folks can stay after that kind of betrayal -- they need to convince themselves that it really wasn't WS's fault) & the OW is some kind of witch, seductress, whatever.

 

confucious said - "Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves."

ain't that the truth!

 

I tend to agree that a lot of anger is directed on the AP. My view is mainly that your spouse owes you loyalty and that he/she would have cheated with anyone, despite some BSs saying that they were lured by the AP. You get lured if you want to and the fact is, even if that particular AP lured your spouse, there are lots more like that out there, so it's back to your cheating spouse.

 

If my husband gets so easily lured away by another woman and forgets everything we have together, then he will become my Ex husband in the blink of an eye. I can't see myself giving the OW the satisfaction of being acknowledged. I'm a little too proud for that and I won't give anyone the pleasure of knowing they've reduced me to acting like I've lost it ....but then who knows. Hell hath no fury, like a woman scorned.

 

Some people have broadcasted the affair on Facebook. Personally, I don't need that kind of drama in my life. Even if I was divorcing. I wouldn't want my children hurt by such exposure.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Um....really? So you believe that a WS should do whatever - no matter what it is - indefinitely? E ven if asked to lie? Even if asked to be publicly humiliated, and then be thankful for the opportunity. You really think this is the way to healthy reconciliation for all involved?

 

I have to say, based on the many posts of yours I have read, this kinda blows my mind.

 

 

I have no idea how you read my posts. You might want to re-read it.

[minimariah]

I tend to agree that a lot of anger is directed on the AP. My view is mainly that your spouse owes you loyalty and that he/she would have cheated with anyone, despite some BSs saying that they were lured by the AP. You get lured if you want to and the fact is, even if that particular AP lured your spouse, there are lots more like that out there, so it's back to your cheating spouse.

 

If my husband gets so easily lured away by another woman and forgets everything we have together, then he will become my Ex husband in the blink of an eye. I can't see myself giving the OW the satisfaction of being acknowledged. I'm a little too proud for that and I won't give anyone the pleasure of knowing they've reduced me to acting like I've lost it ....but then who knows. Hell hath no fury, like a woman scorned.

 

Some people have broadcasted the affair on Facebook. Personally, I don't need that kind of drama in my life. Even if I was divorcing. I wouldn't want my children hurt by such exposure.

 

ALL OF THIS!

 

i never had any ill feelings for my xH's OW. i honestly didn't even think about her -- in fact, i think she's a good person & i have my reasons for thinking that. i just never saw her as someone even remotely relevant to me or my life. especially not someone relevant enough for me to be all extra and go out of my way thinking of ways i could hurt her.

 

and i'm like you - when you do me wrong and i have the option of getting you the f*ck out of my life? yeah, i'ma do exactly that.

 

but not everyone is like that & i can respect it. i just don't see a point in hurting the OW when the chances are -- she is already hurt by the fact that your WS decided to stay with you.

 

the pleasure you get from hurting the OW lasts literally 5 minutes and you're back to square one. so it really isn't worth it.

Edited May 18, 2015 by minimariah

[jen1447]

I'm honestly on the fence with this now, humorously.

 

I think one thing is clear, and that's that the marriage in its current state seems to have little future. It's hard to imagine the MM and the BS recapturing much of their former existence, between the affair and the weird revenge plot. Makes you wonder what's the point.

[purplesorrow]

I don't feel that OWs intentionally hurt the W. They don't seek out to cause pain, it's just a natural consequence most of the time.

 

Here, W is seeking to intentionally cause pain to the OW and her own H.

 

I don't see how that can help anything. It suggests to me that BS isn't in the right state of mind. Maybe she's thinking and acting crazy right now in the immediate aftermath, or maybe she's just an mean spirited person.

 

I would hope that if MM's wife made that sort of demand, he'd refuse. And not just to protect me, but himself and her and what shred of integrity he might have left.

 

It's not rocket science to know having sex with another woman's husband will hurt her. And of course you wouldn't want any consequences. Maybe she feels you're mean spirited for helping to destroy her family. Do you really think she should be understanding of your plight?

[sandylee1]

 

in that example where the BS put up flyers of the OW fu*cking married men - why didn't she put up a flyer of her WS fu*king other women?

 

 

Oh the BW divorced and ruined her H as well. She sent texts, emails and the X rated pics of the OW to his family members. She said that when her MIL kept saying things like "he just made a mistake" and "you're overacting" "you're breaking the family up", she lost it and decided they should see their son for what he was.

 

It absolutely devastated and broke THE MIL, who then apologised for her son's behaviour and for blaming the BW after the affair.

 

The BW said that was her one regret, that her MIL was left distraught, however she felt she had to explain why she was full steam ahead on divorce, even though her WH had dumped the OW and was begging and pleading for a second chance.

[jen1447]

It's unfortunate that they (the MIL and BS) didn't have a trusting enough relationship that the BS needed to show dramatic proof.

[MissBee]

This is true.

 

In this particular case, the revenge "fantasy" offers an interesting glimpse into the sick mind of that particular BW and may explain why the WS felt a need to seek out a more "normal" R with someone else.

 

But then chose to stay with the sick-minded BW anyway, after experiencing normalcy, so he's just as sick too.

[minimariah]

The BW said that was her one regret, that her MIL was left distraught, however she felt she had to explain why she was full steam ahead on divorce, even though her WH had dumped the OW and was begging and pleading for a second chance.

 

eeeeeeehhhhh, she didn't.

 

it was more of a "let me tell you who is REALLY guilty here!" thinking. i mean, that's his mother -- of course she'll take her child's side.

 

it's a case of a BS seeking "justice." i personally don't see the need for all that extra stuff beyond (i was typing beyond and my autocorrect changed it into BEYONCE, YAS!) divorce, but that's just me.

[sandylee1]

It's unfortunate that they (the MIL and BS) didn't have a trusting enough relationship that the BS needed to show dramatic proof.

 

 

I think it was as good as any MIL and DIL relationship, but her WH tried to minimise the affair to his parents and act like he deserved a gold medal for dumping the OW.

 

You'd be surprised how parents jump to defend their children in these situations. One FIL when told who the OW was actually told his DIL he could see the attraction. Then again he himself was a WH x2 .

[velvette]

eeeeeeehhhhh, she didn't.

 

it was more of a "let me tell you who is REALLY guilty here!" thinking. i mean, that's his mother -- of course she'll take her child's side.

 

it's a case of a BS seeking "justice." i personally don't see the need for all that extra stuff beyond (i was typing beyond and my autocorrect changed it into BEYONCE, YAS!) divorce, but that's just me.

 

 

Agreed. Betrayal is something that for most people calls out for justice. Whether its marital betrayal or otherwise.

 

 

And, the fact is that justice really cant be had when people betray you unless the betrayal involves criminal acts.

 

 

The best you can hope for is the peace of cutting them out of your life if they continue to hurt you or atonement if you stay with them.

[minimariah]

The best you can hope for is the peace of cutting them out of your life if they continue to hurt you or atonement if you stay with them.

 

this and this is all you can hope for, really.

that's why it's incredibly hard to get over for many - for peace, there needs to be justice. and you can't get justice in a situation like this (especially not when you're dumped and your WS happily goes away with his OW) - so your peace needs to come from within, accepting things you cannot change.

 

and for many, that's incredibly hard.

[velvette]

And people, I give you exhibit A of what i was referring to.

 

Thanks for helping make my point.

 

 

Pretty amusing, considering when BS post the twisted stuff that "bunny boiling" OW do there are lots of OW posting to say the "MM drove her to it."

[autumnnight]

Oh the BW divorced and ruined her H as well. She sent texts, emails and the X rated pics of the OW to his family members. She said that when her MIL kept saying things like "he just made a mistake" and "you're overacting" "you're breaking the family up", she lost it and decided they should see their son for what he was.

 

It absolutely devastated and broke THE MIL, who then apologised for her son's behaviour and for blaming the BW after the affair.

 

The BW said that was her one regret, that her MIL was left distraught, however she felt she had to explain why she was full steam ahead on divorce, even though her WH had dumped the OW and was begging and pleading for a second chance.

 

What kind of myopic hypocrites actually condone this? An A is wrong, but anyone who thinks this kind of crap is "justifiable" has their own core value problems.

[sandylee1]

What kind of myopic hypocrites actually condone this? An A is wrong, but anyone who thinks this kind of crap is "justifiable" has their own core value problems.

 

I'm not quite sure what you mean Autumn.

I didn't say anyone was condoning the sending of pictures if that's what you're saying/asking ? The BW said she only sent them after the MIL kept going on at her.

 

In the case of the flyers, the BW certainly felt justified. The OW hurt her, so it was game on in her words.

 

Affairs are just so terribly messy and one way or another someone gets hurt.

[autumnnight]

I'm not quite sure what you mean Autumn.

I didn't say anyone was condoning the sending of pictures if that's what you're saying/asking ? The BW said she only sent them after the MIL kept going on at her.

 

In the case of the flyers, the BW certainly felt justified. The OW hurt her, so it was game on in her words.

 

Affairs are just so terribly messy and one way or another someone gets hurt.

 

There was NO reason to send X rated pictures to an elderly woman. And flyers? I can tell you right now, though I have never been an OW and I find A's abhorrent and awful, if someone EVER posted flyers of me, I'd take every legal recourse I had to make them pay. Then they'd probably do the same....and the circle continues.

 

When you get in the mud with the pigs, you become just as dirty as they are.

[sandylee1]

. And flyers? I can tell you right now, though I have never been an OW and I find A's abhorrent and awful, if someone EVER posted flyers of me, I'd take every legal recourse I had to make them pay.

 

.

 

I'm just wondering what part of the law would cover that. It's not slander if it's true. Malicious and vexatious also relates to the allegation being untrue.

 

I guess posting flyers without permission might cover it, known as fly tipping/littering in the UK. Usually prosecuted by the local Council.

 

I think what really prevents the OW taking whatever legal action they may think of, is the shame and embarrassment of wrongdoing in the first place.

 

I think x rated pics are the worse. No matter what you as the OW says, the pics have been seen. Or heaven forbid your AP resorts to blackmail when things turn sour. I always tell my kids NEVER EVER send those pictures to anyone . You can deny writing emails / texts, but you can't deny it's you in the pics. From past experience men can be really smooth talkers when it comes to trying to get these pics from you.

[truncated]

I think x rated pics are the worse. No matter what you as the OW says, the pics have been seen. Or heaven forbid your AP resorts to blackmail when things turn sour. I always tell my kids NEVER EVER send those pictures to anyone . You can deny writing emails / texts, but you can't deny it's you in the pics. From past experience men can be really smooth talkers when it comes to trying to get these pics from you.

 

 

This is so true...

Everyone tells their kids not to send out x rated stuff, or things that could be taken to be such, yet adults forget that.

 

Maybe we adults need to take a page from the lessons we teach our kids

[autumnnight]

I'm just wondering what part of the law would cover that. It's not slander if it's true. Malicious and vexatious also relates to the allegation being untrue.

 

I guess posting flyers without permission might cover it, known as fly tipping/littering in the UK. Usually prosecuted by the local Council.

 

I think what really prevents the OW taking whatever legal action they may think of, is the shame and embarrassment of wrongdoing in the first place.

 

I think x rated pics are the worse. No matter what you as the OW says, the pics have been seen. Or heaven forbid your AP resorts to blackmail when things turn sour. I always tell my kids NEVER EVER send those pictures to anyone . You can deny writing emails / texts, but you can't deny it's you in the pics. From past experience men can be really smooth talkers when it comes to trying to get these pics from you.

 

That's what the brigade would like you to believe regarding the flyers. In MY state it would qualify as defamation and harassment, true or not. Plus, my objective would not be winning. It would be to make hell the life of the person who made my life hell.

 

Btw, there is no "me as the OW". I've never been an OW.

[AlwaysGrowing]

That's what the brigade would like you to believe regarding the flyers. In MY state it would qualify as defamation and harassment, true or not. Plus, my objective would not be winning. It would be to make hell the life of the person who made my life hell.

 

Btw, there is no "me as the OW". I've never been an OW.

 

 

I believe, the objective you stipulated is exactly the same objective of those BS.

 

One thing I have noticed, is that men are much clearer on understanding why a BH might come after them in some way. Not that they want it to happen....but understand.

 

On too many to count posts...you read OW bashing/dismantling/critiquing/describing intimate details of the BW life. Many, share the same to their IRL friends.

 

If one does give the same courtesy to others....should one expect it?

 

To the OP, for a WS who is looking for redemption...not necessarily of the marriage....more specifically of...SELF, than to go against what they know to be right...only undermines their greater goal. To become someone that they can trust...and others can trust as well.

[autumnnight]

I believe, the objective you stipulated is exactly the same objective of those BS.

 

One thing I have noticed, is that men are much clearer on understanding why a BH might come after them in some way. Not that they want it to happen....but understand.

 

On too many to count posts...you read OW bashing/dismantling/critiquing/describing intimate details of the BW life. Many, share the same to their IRL friends.

 

If one does give the same courtesy to others....should one expect it?

 

To the OP, for a WS who is looking for redemption...not necessarily of the marriage....more specifically of...SELF, than to go against what they know to be right...only undermines their greater goal. To become someone that they can trust...and others can trust as well.

 

The difference is that I KNOW that my effort to make them pay would be petulant and despicable. I would not delude myself into thinking it was honorable to drag them through the mud just because they dragged me through the mud.

 

I can totally understand the desire for revenge. When I found out I had been cheated on, I wanted to mess up the man's life royally. I wanted him to feel PAIN. I wanted do all sorts of technological and vindictive and just plain mean things. And I did give him an earful of language I never use.

 

But I knew in the end, if I did some of the things I fantasized about....it would be wrong, and it would be a violation of MY core values.

 

And honestly, if some Joe Blow off the street wrote something nasty about me in the paper, I'd probably just blow it off. But there are a few people from my past who I probably would toss out my restraint for. HOWEVER, I wouldn't lie to myself and say it was noble or justified.

 

But I understand. You are saying that once a person cheats, the person on whom they cheated has carte blanch to ask anything and do anything. Believe me, you are far from the only person who feels that way.

 

And AGAIN....I have never been an OW. Read, people...the whole post.

[No Limit]

There are wives picking up their guns at home and then driving to OW for a little visit. So it can go waaay farther than just saying hurtful things.

[AlwaysGrowing]

The difference is that I KNOW that my effort to make them pay would be petulant and despicable. I would not delude myself into thinking it was honorable to drag them through the mud just because they dragged me through the mud.

 

I can totally understand the desire for revenge. When I found out I had been cheated on, I wanted to mess up the man's life royally. I wanted him to feel PAIN. I wanted do all sorts of technological and vindictive and just plain mean things. And I did give him an earful of language I never use.

 

But I knew in the end, if I did some of the things I fantasized about....it would be wrong, and it would be a violation of MY core values.

 

And honestly, if some Joe Blow off the street wrote something nasty about me in the paper, I'd probably just blow it off. But there are a few people from my past who I probably would toss out my restraint for. HOWEVER, I wouldn't lie to myself and say it was noble or justified.

 

But I understand. You are saying that once a person cheats, the person on whom they cheated has carte blanch to ask anything and do anything. Believe me, you are far from the only person who feels that way.

 

And AGAIN....I have never been an OW. Read, people...the whole post.

 

 

Again....not sure how you are reading my post as such. I really don't.

 

1. Never called you an OW.

 

2. Please tell me where I have said the WS should do as the BS has requested.

 

3. I have....more than once...stated...a WS who wants to regain sense of self...should protect their integrity, self-respect...FIRST.

 

4. Good advice...read the whole post.