Affair revenge going way to far

[AlwaysGrowing]

There are wives picking up their guns at home and then driving to OW for a little visit. So it can go waaay farther than just saying hurtful things.

 

 

To be fair...that scenario plays out...interchanging gender or alphabet soup hat badge. It doesn't just happen one way. Amy Fisher anyone?

 

Affairs can be nasty business...and generally don't bring out the best in people.

[sandylee1]

To be fair...that scenario plays out...interchanging gender or alphabet soup hat badge. It doesn't just happen one way. Amy Fisher anyone?

 

Affairs can be nasty business...and generally don't bring out the best in people.

 

I remember the Amy Fisher case very well. I think it's utter lunacy what one will do in an attempt to please someone they 'love' or to reconcile and you're right, affairs can bring out the very worst.

 

I saw a true case of a doctor who had an affair and got the OW pregnant. He reconciled with his wife, who insisted the child was gotten rid of.

 

So he pretended he was getting back with the OW and leaving his wife , with the sole purpose of causing her a miscarriage.

 

With his medical knowledge, he slipped her some drugs and she lost the baby, but he got caught and went to jail. As well as being struck off the medical register.

 

He later admitted the whole thing was his wife's idea and he felt he had to do it, having been unfaithful. Absolutely sickening. You just don't know what people are capable of in certain situations.

Edited May 19, 2015 by sandylee1
incomplete

[cocorico]

It's interesting to parallel the dichotomy of what is expected by some of a bs and what is excused by these same folk in a om/ow or ws.

 

In the minds of some the bs is expected to act rationally with maybe a small squeak of protest being accepted. If he or she goes much further or isn't able to control their emotions, they need therapy, are having a mental breakdown or are showing signs of what they must be like on a day to day basis.

 

Why are they held to a different standard?

 

Why aren't the ws and ow or om also expected to control their emotions and not even let the A start in the first place?

 

 

In this particular case, the revenge "fantasy" offers an interesting glimpse into the sick mind of that particular BW and may explain why the WS felt a need to seek out a more "normal" R with someone else.

 

And people, I give you exhibit A of what i was referring to.

 

Thanks for helping make my point.

 

Please show where in my post, or elsewhere on this thread, I have said it's acceptable for an OW to "not control their emotions" - especially WRT being swept up into an A? OTC, the post I quoted was cautioning OW of the possible risks inherent in engaging in an A, and I have always argued that *anyone* (whatever their label) should conduct a thorough assessment of costs and benefits before engaging in any R (whatever the label. So, I'm afraid, your "exhibit A" falls rather flat since I am clearly not one of those "same people" who occupy your imagination.

 

That said, I stand by my point about this BW needing professional help. There has to be some serious damage in there to generate a fantasy that sick. Why the WS chose to stay, or even to entertain the request, is beyond me.

[autumnnight]

He reconciled with his wife, who insisted the child was gotten rid of.

/QUOTE]

 

Soooo.....if I am reading this right, the BW thought she had the right to dictate an abortion?

 

Oh yes, by all means that's acceptable.....

[sweet_pea]

To be fair...that scenario plays out...interchanging gender or alphabet soup hat badge. It doesn't just happen one way. Amy Fisher anyone?

 

Affairs can be nasty business...and generally don't bring out the best in people.

 

Yeah, I was going to say, these unfortunate events definitely aren't just a one way thing. I read a story recently about an OW who killed the BS and their precious grandchild in Australia.

 

It's just really unfortunate and incredibly sad that stuff like this even happens.

[truncated]

He reconciled with his wife, who insisted the child was gotten rid of.

/QUOTE]

 

Soooo.....if I am reading this right, the BW thought she had the right to dictate an abortion?

 

Oh yes, by all means that's acceptable.....

 

for pete's sake, who is saying it is?

[truncated]

Please show where in my post, or elsewhere on this thread, I have said it's acceptable for an OW to "not control their emotions" - especially WRT being swept up into an A? OTC, the post I quoted was cautioning OW of the possible risks inherent in engaging in an A, and I have always argued that *anyone* (whatever their label) should conduct a thorough assessment of costs and benefits before engaging in any R (whatever the label. So, I'm afraid, your "exhibit A" falls rather flat since I am clearly not one of those "same people" who occupy your imagination.

 

That said, I stand by my point about this BW needing professional help. There has to be some serious damage in there to generate a fantasy that sick. Why the WS chose to stay, or even to entertain the request, is beyond me.

 

(a) the post you are quoting ( re: about how there is a double standard among some people for bs and ow) never mentioned you, so why you feel the need to point out you never said that is something I don't understand. Not everything is about you.

 

The fact is that for the very few ow or om who say they calculate out the pros and cons of the married person they have their eye on before deciding the pursue the relationship, there are many more who get swept up in the emotions.

 

(b) Here is what you said" In this particular case, the revenge "fantasy" offers an interesting glimpse into the sick mind of that particular BW and may explain why the WS felt a need to seek out a more "normal" R with someone else. :sick:"

 

The damage may well have been caused by the actions of the ow and ws. She may well have been perfectly fine and rational before finding out about the affair.

 

She may also have been lashing out, albeit in a negative way, and once things settled down in her mind, she may well have felt every differently.

[cocorico]

(a) the post you are quoting ( re: about how there is a double standard among some people for bs and ow) never mentioned you, so why you feel the need to point out you never said that is something I don't understand. Not everything is about you.

 

 

Uhm, because you made it "about me" by quoting my post? that is the only logical conclusion any normal person could come to - if you quote and respond to their post, it's about them in some way, right? And since the only other post of yours on this thread that you could possibly have been referencing was the one I quoted, that was the sensible deduction. You can twist yourself into a pretzel post hoc as much as you like, the logic of the argument is still as clear as day to any objective reader.

 

Sorry to have to prove you wrong, but the evidence is all there.

 

Perhaps "the damage" (to the BS) was "caused by the actions of the OW and the WS" - that outside possibility does exist - but given the nature of that very sick fantasy, it seems unlikely. That kind of sickness suggests some very deep damage, far more than a recent upset would provoke.

[sandylee1]

It all comes down to consequences. If you have an affair with married or otherwise committed person, you should not be surprised if some very negative things happen to you as a result.

 

Some people go mental with trauma like a betrayal and act in a way they never would have. There have been victims of crime who seek revenge. It doesn't make it right, but it offers some mitigation.

 

I just think for your own sanity as a BS/WS you need to keep your actions in check and retain a degree of morality in seeking revenge, if you really feel you have to.

 

You just don't know how others will react, whether they have a mental breakdown, commit suicide, smash your car, approach your kids, upload the pics you sent their spouse on FB or a whole host of other things.

[autumnnight]

It all comes down to consequences. If you have an affair with married or otherwise committed person, you should not be surprised if some very negative things happen to you as a result.

 

Some people go mental with trauma like a betrayal and act in a way they never would have. There have been victims of crime who seek revenge. It doesn't make it right, but it offers some mitigation. How truly sad to feel that a WS is responsible for their actions BUT a BS is not, which is basically what this says

 

I just think for your own sanity as a BS/WS you need to keep your actions in check and retain a degree of morality in seeking revenge, if you really feel you have to.

 

You just don't know how others will react, whether they have a mental breakdown, commit suicide, smash your car, approach your kids, upload the pics you sent their spouse on FB or a whole host of other things.

 

And if any of these things is criminal, then the BS should end up in jail or in trouble.

[truncated]

And if any of these things is criminal, then the BS should end up in jail or in trouble.

 

 

In most jurisdiction, it's not criminal to speak the truth, so long as what is being said is true.

 

For example, if a bs were to make up posters to place around town that stated " mary jane jones had an affair with my husband" and this staement were true, mary jane jones, depending on where she lives, may have little recourse. This is not libel, as it is true.

 

If she said "mary jane jones had an affair with my husband and stole $1000 form me" and that wasn't true, that could be actionable civilly but probably not criminally, as she was committing libel and using written words to spread falsehoods.

 

While I think this type of thing is counterproductive and a terrible idea and shouldn't be done, I can understand why she may be tempted to.

 

Both bs and ow/ow can act really badly when an affair ends.

 

Mind you, if either the bs or om/ow starts harassing the other party involved, trespasses, commits a criminal action or the like, then legal advice should be sought. I don't think anyone is saying they shouldn't be.

 

The actions of the bs in the op aren't criminal, foolish, yes, but criminal, no.

[truncated]

"Some people go mental with trauma like a betrayal and act in a way they never would have. There have been victims of crime who seek revenge. It doesn't make it right, but it offers some mitigation. How truly sad to feel that a WS is responsible for their actions BUT a BS is not, which is basically what this says"

 

 

 

 

 

 

Re the bolded. I think what you are misisng in the point.

 

Comparing the ws to the bs is like comparing a smoldering fire to a bomb detonating. In the case of the smoldering fire, the person reacting has time to think and make logical choices about how they will act. It's not sudden. They can absorb the knowledge slowly and come to conclusions about what they will do.

 

In the case of the bomb, people tend to operate on instinct and may do the first thing that pops into their mind, they don't have time to absorb the knowledge slowly. Given some time, yes they will be able to step back and look at the situation logically, but in the immediate aftermath, they react.

 

In this way, it's two very different situations.

( sorry about the italics...I can't seem to turn them off)

 

[autumnnight]

For example, if a bs were to make up posters to place around town that stated " mary jane jones had an affair with my husband" and this staement were true, mary jane jones, depending on where she lives, may have little recourse. This is not libel, as it is true.

 

I know where this comes from. Libel is not the only offense that exists. True or not, this would constitute harassment in my state, AND defamation, even if it were true.

 

I know there is a widely held school of thought that exaggerates an intended directive that says spread as far and wide as you can and scorch the earth with the remains of the offenders.

 

If you want to have an actual reconciliation that is an actual marriage....ya might wanna think it through. Of course, if you just want an ugly divorce or a subservient, guilty spouse, then by all means, poster and ask to lie all you want.

 

Also - the ONLY person who has the right to do any of this, BTW, is the BS. If a BS wants to rent a billboard or post the offenders on this or that site, that is understandable. For some third party to do it is just....sad and weird and a bit disturbed.

[sandylee1]

And if any of these things is criminal, then the BS should end up in jail or in trouble.

 

EVERYONE IS 100% RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR ACTIONS. I never said otherwise.

 

ANYONE who commits a crime should face the required justice, there is no argument from me there.

 

EVERYONE should be careful not to put themselves in the category of a higher risk of negative action., because even if a BS does anything illegal and gets jail time, the AP (and sometimes their family ) has still suffered whatever negative or illegal action the BS did. The BS getting jail time doesn't negate what happened.

 

In case I haven't made myself clear, IMHO there should be a moral and legal ceiling on the actions you take in the name of revenge. I know some will disagree, because they'll say, there was nothing moral about the affair to begin with.

[autumnnight]

I just hesitate to add a "but" in there over an A...because, let's say, someone was raped. No, let's say two women were raped. One was wearing a Sunday dress and carrying her Bible, and the other just got off her shift at the strip club and was still wearing her costume. Are we saying the rape was "more wrong" for the girl with her Bible?

 

I just hate the sense I have gotten too many times where the unspoken thing seems to be "Yes, the BS shouldn't have beat him with a tire iron....but at least they didn't CHEAT."

[sandylee1]

"Some people go mental with trauma like a betrayal and act in a way they never would have. There have been victims of crime who seek revenge. It doesn't make it right, but it offers some mitigation. How truly sad to feel that a WS is responsible for their actions BUT a BS is not, which is basically what this says"

 

 

 

 

 

 

Re the bolded. I think what you are misisng in the point.

 

Comparing the ws to the bs is like comparing a smoldering fire to a bomb detonating. In the case of the smoldering fire, the person reacting has time to think and make logical choices about how they will act. It's not sudden. They can absorb the knowledge slowly and come to conclusions about what they will do.

 

In the case of the bomb, people tend to operate on instinct and may do the first thing that pops into their mind, they don't have time to absorb the knowledge slowly. Given some time, yes they will be able to step back and look at the situation logically, but in the immediate aftermath, they react.

 

In this way, it's two very different situations.

( sorry about the italics...I can't seem to turn them off)

 

 

 

Thanks very much Truncated. I really don't see why my words are being twisted or misunderstood.

[autumnnight]

It was the word mitigate that triggered me. If repeated neglect, rejection, belittling, etc do not mitigate the choice to have an A, then why does the choice to have an A mitigate someone else's violence?

[jen1447]

^ Agree with Autumn on the legality question, I'm pretty sure that in my state it would be some sort of actionable offense as well. (Whether civil or criminal or both I'm not sure.) People have affairs and get caught literally all the time, so if that sort of revenge weren't prohibited behavior, you'd see it all over. (I never see it, ever.)

 

Practicality's a question too - you'd only be able to put up flyers on public property, as no property owner would be obligated to host your information. And try putting something like that up at the public library and see how long it lasts.

 

Criminal records are generally public information, but I doubt even those could be publicized without risk of defamation. And infidelity isn't criminal by any measure, except maybe in some archaic state laws that never get enforced anyway.

 

edit - other posts intervened but I was talking about publicly outing the OW/AP.

Edited May 21, 2015 by jen1447

[cocorico]

I just think for your own sanity as a BS/WS you need to keep your actions in check and retain a degree of morality in seeking revenge, if you really feel you have to.

 

 

Why would a WS need to seek revenge, and against whom? Surely they've already had their revenge against the BS through the affair?

[cocorico]

I know where this comes from. Libel is not the only offense that exists. True or not, this would constitute harassment in my state, AND defamation, even if it were true.

 

I know there is a widely held school of thought that exaggerates an intended directive that says spread as far and wide as you can and scorch the earth with the remains of the offenders.

 

If you want to have an actual reconciliation that is an actual marriage....ya might wanna think it through. Of course, if you just want an ugly divorce or a subservient, guilty spouse, then by all means, poster and ask to lie all you want.

 

A guilty, subservient spouse seems a sine qua non for what many would consider a reconciled marriage, judging by some posts....

 

Also - the ONLY person who has the right to do any of this, BTW, is the BS. If a BS wants to rent a billboard or post the offenders on this or that site, that is understandable. For some third party to do it is just....sad and weird and a bit disturbed.

 

...insofar as anyone has a "right", when legally dubious behaviour is in question.

[cocorico]

^ Agree with Autumn on the legality question, I'm pretty sure that in my state it would be some sort of actionable offense as well. (Whether civil or criminal or both I'm not sure.) People have affairs and get caught literally all the time, so if that sort of revenge weren't prohibited behavior, you'd see it all over. (I never see it, ever.)

 

Practicality's a question too - you'd only be able to put up flyers on public property, as no property owner would be obligated to host your information. And try putting something like that up at the public library and see how long it lasts.

 

Criminal records are generally public information, but I doubt even those could be publicized without risk of defamation. And infidelity isn't criminal by any measure, except maybe in some archaic state laws that never get enforced anyway.

 

edit - other posts intervened but I was talking about publicly outing the OW/AP.

 

Ditto in my country, and many others.

 

And aside from defamation, there is the question of privacy. In most civilised countries, there are legal provisions preventing people from disregarding the privacy of others in this way (all the more if any of the parties has minor children) - unless it is demonstrably in the public interest (such as a political figure). This extends to things like posting naked pictures of another person without their express permission, which is legally a form of assault.

[truncated]

It was the word mitigate that triggered me. If repeated neglect, rejection, belittling, etc do not mitigate the choice to have an A, then why does the choice to have an A mitigate someone else's violence?

 

 

No one is bringing that up or mentioning making excuses ( at least in this thread) but you.

 

Your rape analogy isn't apt, as rape is illegal. The op's scenario, though it's really bizarre, is legal, but it's weird.

[truncated]

^ Agree with Autumn on the legality question, I'm pretty sure that in my state it would be some sort of actionable offense as well. (Whether civil or criminal or both I'm not sure.) People have affairs and get caught literally all the time, so if that sort of revenge weren't prohibited behavior, you'd see it all over. (I never see it, ever.)

 

Practicality's a question too - you'd only be able to put up flyers on public property, as no property owner would be obligated to host your information. And try putting something like that up at the public library and see how long it lasts.

 

Criminal records are generally public information, but I doubt even those could be publicized without risk of defamation. And infidelity isn't criminal by any measure, except maybe in some archaic state laws that never get enforced anyway.

 

edit - other posts intervened but I was talking about publicly outing the OW/AP.

 

Many of us don't live in the US and we are subject to the laws of our own country. Unless the ow could prove that she suffered financially, she wouldn't have much recourse.

I suppose charges could be made for littering or posting bills on private property, but that's about it.

 

When it comes to online, I don't know how that would work. I know there is a site where people can post information about their ws affair including the name of the ow ( and other men too, I would guess). That sounds like a really bad idea, but it seems to be popular.

[jen1447]

One thing a BS could do that would be commensurate (tho I wouldn't actually recommend it either because spite/bad) is seduce and have an affair with the AP's spouse or partner or future either one. Perfectly legal and deeply ironic and no more or less than was done to them.

[autumnnight]

I know there is a site where people can post information about their ws affair including the name of the ow ( and other men too, I would guess). That sounds like a really bad idea, but it seems to be popular.

 

Um...yeah, especially if you aren't even the betrayed spouse....