The guy I'm dating just had a low positive test for herpes? Freaking out?

[JaneyJ1991]

A little backstory: We've been dating since the last week ofmarch. The week of our first date, a couple days after our 1st date, he had a 1night stand (or really more of a 3 night stand as he likes to put it). He used condoms.

 

Things have been going really good, and he's better to me than any other guy I've ever been involved with, combined. But I've refused to have sex with him until he got tested. So he got tested by his GP and asked tobe quote "tested for everything". And he got a phone call on Friday. His test results came back..With a low positive for herpes. I guess a low positive range is a (1.0-3.0. His was like a 1.6).

 

He's devastated. And so am I. I asked him if he asked what test they performed, and if it was just looking for HSV-2 OR BOTH HSV-1 and 2.He's given me some conflicting answers, which make me think he didn't demand to know the name of the test. I have a science background and he doesn't.

 

He got more blood drawn, and supposedly these results will be type specific.

He ignored me all day Friday, the day he found out. I knew what was up, before I even heard. I'm psychic like that (just kidding--I'mparanoid). He's hopeful/optimistic/oblivious that the second test will yield a negative HSV-2 result.

 

I'm not sure what to do. I FEEL REALLY BAD, because I'm theone who made him get tested. If it weren't for me, he wouldn't know. I also know providers generally WILL NOT test for herpes. I know because I've asked and they've laughed at me. I'm also scared because even if he comes back with a negative this time, or a lower value, I'm going to wonder if it's just a bad test, and he REALLY is positive. I don't think I'd ever feel comfortable having sex with him.It seems like a really unfair sentence for a guy who tried to do the right thing. He's only had sex with 4 women. But I'm wondering if maybe heIS positive, from the one night stand, and THAT'S why his antibody count is so low--maybe because it's recent?

 

I'm 23 years old. I've had sex ONCE in my life. Part of what has driven this need to be careful has been my deep fear of STDs--especially herpes. I've kept my sexual partner count low by resisting casual sex. And I don't want to blow that. I've demanded on 3 occasions from different providers thatI would like a herpes test for peace of mind, and they've all laughed at me,after hearing I've only slept with someone once.

 

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? What did you do? I keep thinking of the quote by Lady Gaga: “Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you're wondering which way to go, remember that your career willnever wake up and tell you that it doesn't love you anymore.”. I keep thinking of it like, a man can decide one day to breakup with you and leave you, but herpes never will. And I don't want it to come to that.

Does anyone have advice on how I should be handling this? I never thought I'd be presented with information like this, especially from a guy who's tried to do everything right, and only slept with 4 girls

Edited May 17, 2015 by JaneyJ1991

[introverted1]

Do a search for herpes in this forum. This issue has come up several times. You may be comforted by what you will learn.

[Gaeta]

Here we go again.

 

Why are you specially afraid of herpes? It has no incidence on general health. Seems you should be worried more about hpv or hiv.

 

I carry hsv-2. I take my daily valtrex and I have had plenty of boyfriends and I've never infected them.

 

There are no test for hsv. The only way to know if you have it is to test your antibodies for the virus. His low count means he's been exposed to it enough to build antibodies. If he's never had an outbreak then he is what we call asymptomatic. He is contagious through shedding 4 to 8 days a YEAR that is why he should take his valtrex daily so when these days occurs his partner is pretty covered.

 

Each case is different. In my case being a female, being 49, being asymptomatic,being on valtrex daily, my level of contagion is from 0,05% to 0 per year.

[JaneyJ1991]

Here we go again.

 

Why are you specially afraid of herpes? It has no incidence on general health. Seems you should be worried more about hpv or hiv.

 

I carry hsv-2. I take my daily valtrex and I have had plenty of boyfriends and I've never infected them.

 

There are no test for hsv. The only way to know if you have it is to test your antibodies for the virus. His low count means he's been exposed to it enough to build antibodies. If he's never had an outbreak then he is what we call asymptomatic. He is contagious through shedding 4 to 8 days a YEAR that is why he should take his valtrex daily so when these days occurs his partner is pretty covered.

 

Each case is different. In my case being a female, being 49, being asymptomatic,being on valtrex daily, my level of contagion is from 0,05% to 0 per year.

 

 

I KNOW what asymptomatic means. I know he can still shed it if indeed he has it. Gaeta, do you know what your number was when you got positively diagnosed? Was it in that low positive range, too?

 

But I also know even on an antiviral, being careful, my risk if I slept with him would not be zero. And I don't think I could ever get that out of my head. And I know women are more likely to catch it from men, than men from women:(

 

I HAVEN'T had multiple sex partners or one night stands. This sounds so terrible and selfish, but this little voice inside of me says, "Don't you dare blow this now! You're 23! You've got your whole life ahead of you! Why the hell did you bother being careful and 'not having fun' if you're gonna waste it on a guy who did?" I think if we had sex after this, I'd constantly be wondering if I'd got it. I don't think I'd ever be comfortable NOT using condoms with him (which I think pretty much defeats the point of a long term serious monogamous relationship, in which the female-*cough*, me- has an IUD.

[Gaeta]

I KNOW what asymptomatic means. I know he can still shed it if indeed he has it. Gaeta, do you know what your number was when you got positively diagnosed? Was it in that low positive range, too?

 

But I also know even on an antiviral, being careful, my risk if I slept with him would not be zero. And I don't think I could ever get that out of my head. And I know women are more likely to catch it from men, than men from women:(

 

I HAVEN'T had multiple sex partners or one night stands. This sounds so terrible and selfish, but this little voice inside of me says, "Don't you dare blow this now! You're 23! You've got your whole life ahead of you! Why the hell did you bother being careful and 'not having fun' if you're gonna waste it on a guy who did?" I think if we had sex after this, I'd constantly be wondering if I'd got it. I don't think I'd ever be comfortable NOT using condoms with him (which I think pretty much defeats the point of a long term serious monogamous relationship, in which the female-*cough*, me- has an IUD.

 

I have no clue what my count is and I don't care. I have carry it, period..

 

It's normal for you to freak out, just let the news sink in. When I first found out I had this I wanted to die, nothing less. I thought my life was over. I joined a support group and after a couple of weeks I noticed we were only new members. I figured out pretty fast that after the initial shock life goes on. It's bad, real bad when you get the news, then it become a detail.

 

After you let the dust fall down, if you still feel this is too much for you then move on, and let this poor man find himself a lady that will accept him with his skin rash. Cause it's just that, a skin rash. Same thing as the wart you get on your finger once in a while, a virus, same as chicken pox.

 

Personally hsv has not kept me from dating and I rarely came across a man that minded it. If I feel ANY resistance from a man when I tell him then I move on. I don't want any of my lovers to fear catching it.

 

The thing is you are young and it's your first encounter with it. At my age most men I come across have had a gf with the virus already and they know 1 woman out of 4 carries this

 

As someone with hsv I should be telling you to give you a chance but I won't do that. I just want you to calm down, let the news sink in, see how you feel about it after the shock. If it's too much I respect that.

[clia]

Honestly...you are 23 years old and have only been dating this guy for less than two months. Move on and find a guy who doesn't have an STD. I wouldn't date a guy with herpes and I'm much older than you are. Once you have it, you have it, and then you have to disclose it to every guy you date for the rest of your life. (Because this guy is probably not "the one"...) Why even put yourself in that position?

[KatZee]

Honestly...you are 23 years old and have only been dating this guy for less than two months. Move on and find a guy who doesn't have an STD. I wouldn't date a guy with herpes and I'm much older than you are. Once you have it, you have it, and then you have to disclose it to every guy you date for the rest of your life. (Because this guy is probably not "the one"...) Why even put yourself in that position?

 

^

 

Yep.

 

Regardless of, "oh here we go again :rolleyes:" comments, you are completely entitled to not want to sleep with someone who has herpes. I wouldn't either. I don't care what the information out there is. I don't want to be dating someone who has to take medication every single day or else they get sores and transmit sores.

 

Some people don't care about this and are fine with this. I prefer someone who is STD free. I wouldn't even want to have that in the back of my mind that there's some off chance I could be given an incurable STD.

[JaneyJ1991]

The thing is you are young and it's your first encounter with it. At my age most men I come across have had a gf with the virus already and they know 1 woman out of 4 carries this.

 

That's the thing: I AM young. I am at the beginning of my reproductive and sex life. Catching herpes at 23 would be a LOT different than contracting it in your 50's. The risks are different, the numbers different. A mother who has an active herpes lesion has to deliver VIA caesarian. I would like to have children some day--I in no way would risk someone small's health for my own. Ever.

 

Also, while the odds are maybe 20% of the population have it, that's including older adults who have had more sexual partners, who have had more sexual partners, and thus been exposed more. BEING directly exposed at 23 is different, and statistically I think a little less common.

 

And I feel terrible. I feel terrible for feeling this way. I feel terrible for always being that hypochondriac who forced him to find this out. His birthday is this week, and his test results should roll in around right around then. He's only turning 25.

He told me yesterday, in a text, after I asked. His next comment: "Do you want to watch a movie tonight? I promise I won't kiss you." He was that terrified he might have type 1 (cold sores, alone) and give it to me. I called him on the phone and told him he was ridiculous--If he has HSV-1, he's already given it to me from kissing.

 

My best friend tested positive for HSV-1 last month. I've drank after her. I've SEEN my grandpa and aunt both have cold sores--So I would assume my mom has been exposed, and probably just asymptomatically carries it. If my mom has it, then it's likely my siblings and I all have HSV-1. I kissed a guy who admitted to having cold sores when he was a kid. I know this because this is how paranoid I am of herpes--I've screened EVERY guy I've ever kissed.

 

I feel terrible. I sickly, secretly wish they would have said he's positive for syphilis or chlamydia instead--those they could put him on a round of antibiotics and it would go away.

 

He's considering having the Western Blot test done now--which apparently is the 100% most effective GOLD SEAL of herpes testing and is the only 99% trustworthy one for confirmation. If he comes up negative on that, it's likely he doesn t have it?

[PlanThree]

I find it difficuld to read that there are people who will NOT date someone with herpes, even if they don't know the person well yet..

 

What about people who have contracted herpes without them knowing it? I have it.. my ex boyfriend gave it to me when he had a blister on his lip. He never told me, I didn't see it. I found out when I couldn't even walk anymore because of the pain. I got myself tested, it was positive. Not the typical genital virus, but the one you normally would get on your lip.

 

I never asked for having herpes, I've always been careful and used protection with intercourse.

 

So yes, I find it hurting to read that some people are not willingly to give people with this condition a fair chance...

[Gaeta]

That's the thing: I AM young. I am at the beginning of my reproductive and sex life. Catching herpes at 23 would be a LOT different than contracting it in your 50's. The risks are different, the numbers different. A mother who has an active herpes lesion has to deliver VIA caesarian. I would like to have children some day--I in no way would risk someone small's health for my own. Ever.

 

Also, while the odds are maybe 20% of the population have it, that's including older adults who have had more sexual partners, who have had more sexual partners, and thus been exposed more. BEING directly exposed at 23 is different, and statistically I think a little less common.

 

And I feel terrible. I feel terrible for feeling this way. I feel terrible for always being that hypochondriac who forced him to find this out. His birthday is this week, and his test results should roll in around right around then. He's only turning 25.

He told me yesterday, in a text, after I asked. His next comment: "Do you want to watch a movie tonight? I promise I won't kiss you." He was that terrified he might have type 1 (cold sores, alone) and give it to me. I called him on the phone and told him he was ridiculous--If he has HSV-1, he's already given it to me from kissing.

 

My best friend tested positive for HSV-1 last month. I've drank after her. I've SEEN my grandpa and aunt both have cold sores--So I would assume my mom has been exposed, and probably just asymptomatically carries it. If my mom has it, then it's likely my siblings and I all have HSV-1. I kissed a guy who admitted to having cold sores when he was a kid. I know this because this is how paranoid I am of herpes--I've screened EVERY guy I've ever kissed.

 

I feel terrible. I sickly, secretly wish they would have said he's positive for syphilis or chlamydia instead--those they could put him on a round of antibiotics and it would go away.

 

He's considering having the Western Blot test done now--which apparently is the 100% most effective GOLD SEAL of herpes testing and is the only 99% trustworthy one for confirmation. If he comes up negative on that, it's likely he doesn t have it?

 

I don't know that western test you are talking about. Sounds to me like someone desperate to have a negative result.

 

My mother has cold sores, all my siblings have cold sores, I was married 15 years with a man that had cold sores and guess what? I am negative for hsv-1.

 

I don't know what you're seeking on here. It seems your mind is already made up. Are you looking to justify that this is a good reason for dumping him? If so then you have 2 posters who are supporting you.

 

As for having children it depends on each case. A young woman that works with me who carries type 2 had her daughter the natural way. They gave her a good shot of Acyclovir before birth.

[introverted1]

OP, have you considered discussing this with your doctor? S/he may be able to give you a more factual response so you can weigh your options.

[Gaeta]

OP, have you considered discussing this with your doctor? S/he may be able to give you a more factual response so you can weigh your options.

 

Excellent advice.

[lana-banana]

First of all, stop freaking out. If it's HSV1 then you have nothing to worry about.

 

Secondly, false positive tests do happen with HSV2. If his score was 2 or less he should go back in six weeks and be tested again. There are many, many people who get low positive scores that eventually disappear. But if his numbers go up then he probably does have it.

 

I had an HSV2 scare with a former boyfriend and honestly the stress I experienced over those 48 hours waiting for test results (which you're experiencing now) probably took a year off my life! So RELAX. You did the right thing in asking him to be tested. But don't make any decisions about this guy and your relationship until after you get solid information.

[SmartDude]

Herpes is really nothing to worry about.

My ex GF had it.

Once I actually became educated on the disease, I did not care if I got it or not.

I never got it because she knew when she was having an outbreak. It was a minor thing maybe once a year at most. She simply did not have sex with me during those times.

 

50-80% of the adult population in the U.S. already has the oral form of the disease.

So you can also say goodbye to oral sex if you need to be a religious germaphobe.

[lgspot]

I have no clue what my count is and I don't care. I have carry it, period..

 

It's normal for you to freak out, just let the news sink in. When I first found out I had this I wanted to die, nothing less. I thought my life was over. I joined a support group and after a couple of weeks I noticed we were only new members. I figured out pretty fast that after the initial shock life goes on. It's bad, real bad when you get the news, then it become a detail.

 

After you let the dust fall down, if you still feel this is too much for you then move on, and let this poor man find himself a lady that will accept him with his skin rash. Cause it's just that, a skin rash. Same thing as the wart you get on your finger once in a while, a virus, same as chicken pox.

 

Personally hsv has not kept me from dating and I rarely came across a man that minded it. If I feel ANY resistance from a man when I tell him then I move on. I don't want any of my lovers to fear catching it.

 

The thing is you are young and it's your first encounter with it. At my age most men I come across have had a gf with the virus already and they know 1 woman out of 4 carries this

 

As someone with hsv I should be telling you to give you a chance but I won't do that. I just want you to calm down, let the news sink in, see how you feel about it after the shock. If it's too much I respect that.

I'm with Gaeta on this.

Knowledge is your friend. Talk with your doctor.

Your risk is actually pretty minimal under conditions you've described.

An honest discussion with him, you, and a doctor should provide answers.

For example there is Valtrex.

This guy has been honest with you and that's telling me he would do everything possible to provide for your safety.

 

I'm herpes-free, yet I would have no problem dating someone like Gaeta that is honest and diligent in her own health.

There's way worse health threats out there....

Good luck and good sex.....

[Phoe]

You wanna know what's the worst thing about herpes?

 

The stigma behind it. Not the symptoms, not the fact that it's an STD, not the fact that it's a skin rash that you can carry for life.

 

The stigma is the worst part. The absolute hysteria people go into over it. Our society blows it exceptionally out of proportion. The mental stress behind it carries SO much more grief than any of the physical aspects can give.

 

I had a scare with it a few years back. After waiting nearly 2 months to have sex with an ex, I had irritation down there. Went to the doctor, he said "Oh, yep, casebook herpes", and took a culture and blood, to send in for testing. Proceeded to counsel me on how 1/4 people have it, that it's very treatable and livable, and gave me advice on how to discuss it with my boyfriend.

 

The boyfriend freaked out. Went through several stages of varying emotions. The first being denial that he could've been the one to give it to me, said "nope, you must've had it before, there's no way I have it." Well, having been fully tested before him, I knew that wasn't true. Then it went to self blame for him "This is all my fault and I can't believe this is my life..." and then he went cold on me. Stopped talking... then he dumped me. Then came the blame on me and accusations "You must've cheated. You got it from someone else. I knew it was you. I can't believe I slept with you!"

 

Within a few weeks the results came in. Both culture AND blood test were negative. Doctor says "Well, I couldn't really get a good sample on your culture, and the blood test can take many weeks to show a positive for the antibodies in your blood" - basically told me despite the negatives, that I likely still have it. He even prescribed me medication.

 

I proceeded to live the next few months under the impression I had herpes. I felt ruined, disgusting, felt like I'd never have a dating life. Joined support forums (what was mentioned above about it only being new members, that people eventually calm down and get on with life and no longer come to the forums, is TRUE).

 

6 months after the incident I got a type specific blood test done, expecting the results would now confirm the positive. Imagine my surprise when I was told I was negative for both HSV1 and HSV2.

 

Didn't believe it. Got tested again. And again. My doctor now knows I don't have it. But after having "lived" with it, lived with the belief that I had it, I struggle with accepting it.

 

I will always continue to test for it to ease my anxiety, but I don't think I will ever let go of that.

 

So, moral of the story, the mental stress thanks to the awful stigma over it, is WAY worse than what the condition actually is.

[Southern Sun]

First, find out if he was tested for IgM or IgG antibodies. IgM is worthless.

 

If it was IgG, they should have typed it, Type 1 or Type 2.

 

60% of people have Type 1, exposed in childhood...fever blisters. It CAN be sexually transmitted, but typically it's considered the oral kind.

 

If this was an IgG test, and the result is for Type 2, a 1.6 is VERY low positive, about a 75% chance of being a false positive. The Western Blot test can confirm it, but that's a bit of a pain. You can go to those lengths if you really want to.

 

The other thing is if he carries type 1 (and again, most people do), the antibodies can bleed over on the test and cause false positives for type 2.

 

Finally, as others have said, having HSV at the end of the day as not as big of a deal as most people make it out to be...information is your friend.

[johndoe2]

Given the position of the OP, and the high frequency of herpes simplex virus, really, you should be freaking out about every guy you date, because you don't really know they don't have it, and there may be a 50/50 chance that they do. Is there much of a difference between knowing someone has syphilis and knowing there's a 50% chance he has syphilis? Would you really feel much better dating the latter guy than the former?

 

Considering that, it seems like in order to satisfy your level of caution, you would need to insist that every guy you date get tested for it and show you the results before moving forward. Maybe you could make a policy of having all your second dates being going to the clinic together?

[callingyouuu]

You wanna know what's the worst thing about herpes? The stigma behind it.

 

Too true. As some of the posts in this thread prove, society still has a long way to go.

 

OP, if you really do like him and you take steps to protect yourselves, the rational thing to do would be to stay with him and see where this goes. However, since it seems like you're the paranoid type, it might be best to cut ties now.

[Dork Vader]

Look having herpes is not the end of the world. I have HSV-2 and have known for a little under a year now. I had been tested and had not slept with any other people. My blood test came back negative (I would get tested almost yearly). Then I started to date my now ex and about 9 weeks in got my first outbreak.

 

Yes I was up set when I found. I thought that the world was ending and really blew it out of proportion.

 

Herpes is very treatable Valtrex works extremely well. I had the one initial outbreak and have not had one since. I may have had the beginning of a second but as soon as I suspected it I started taking the Valtrex.

 

My first doctor told me it could have been in my system for up to 10 years. Then my primary care doctor narrowed it down saying I was likely exposed in the last 2 years.

 

He might never get an outbreak. He may have already had one and it was so minimal that he never noticed. You might never get it either or ever test positive for it. He and/or you might be positive for HSV-1 or 2 and never get symptoms. You might also have a difficult time getting the blood test to show a positive.

 

Society has a very inaccurate view of Herpes and there is a huge stigma surrounding it that is just plain false. It's much more common then you realize. Give it time be supportive of him and understanding. Learn about it and get accurate information about it. There is a lot of misinformation on the internet so don't use that as your only source.

 

The next few weeks will be difficult but you can both make it through this easily. Just understand it is not the end of the world. You can still have kids, live a normal life, not have to take medication frequently and live life like almost as though you don't have it..

 

The only difference in my life is that I must now tell people before I get physical with them.

[JaneyJ1991]

First, find out if he was tested for IgM or IgG antibodies. IgM is worthless.

 

If it was IgG, they should have typed it, Type 1 or Type 2.

 

60% of people have Type 1, exposed in childhood...fever blisters. It CAN be sexually transmitted, but typically it's considered the oral kind.

 

If this was an IgG test, and the result is for Type 2, a 1.6 is VERY low positive, about a 75% chance of being a false positive. The Western Blot test can confirm it, but that's a bit of a pain. You can go to those lengths if you really want to.

 

The other thing is if he carries type 1 (and again, most people do), the antibodies can bleed over on the test and cause false positives for type 2.

 

Finally, as others have said, having HSV at the end of the day as not as big of a deal as most people make it out to be...information is your friend.

 

 

I needed to read something like this.

 

Frankly, even if this test he just had Friday comes back negative, I don't think I would be comfortable having sex with him.

 

I feel bad to have to make a choice like this, but I also have to look at the perspective not everyone is as paranoid as I am. The girl he had a one night stand with in March--he made that choice. I didn't. Hell, maybe if his first date with me so was so great...Why did he feel the need to text me for a second date the next day, and 6 hours later feel the need to go stick it in a girl he'd never met?

 

The other thing, I LIKE him, but it's not like I'm head over heels for this guy. It's too early for any of that. This is a lot to ask of me so early on. We've already had a minor speed bump with a jealous ex, and I'm just like..I don't think I can have him throw me any more curveballs.

 

 

He's pretty upset still. He almost cried last night in front of me. I want to tell him everything is okay. He really wants to have the western blot done.

 

I don't have a primary care doctor or I would go talk to them about this. And for all I know, I could be the world's biggest hypocrite--I've never been tested for it. Because the county health department, my former college, and the doctor I went to for my last well woman exam all shook their heads about how low risk I was.

[lucy_in_disguise]

most likely they shook their heads not because you are low risk, but because its a condition with no health consequences, so testing for it is a waste of money.

 

Let this guy go. I dont think your paranoia has any basis in reason, but you dont need a valid reasom for rejecting someone. And you are just making thus guy feel bad over nothing. I am sure he will find someone who will not be put off by a harmless virus a large portion of the populatuin has without knowing it. Just like you shouldnt have any trouble finding someone who has not had any "fun".

[Gaeta]

I don't have a primary care doctor or I would go talk to them about this. And for all I know, I could be the world's biggest hypocrite--I've never been tested for it. Because the county health department, my former college, and the doctor I went to for my last well woman exam all shook their heads about how low risk I was.

 

Go get yourself tested and specifically ask for hsv1 and 2 otherwise it's not tested in a general screening. That's how much it's not a big deal for the health department.

 

It is hypocrite to pass such a judgment without having been tested yourself on top of it all YOU are the one who asked him to get tested. Go get tested.

[Gaeta]

The girl he had a one night stand with in March--he made that choice. I didn't. Hell, maybe if his first date with me so was so great...Why did he feel the need to text me for a second date the next day, and 6 hours later feel the need to go stick it in a girl he'd never met?

 

This is not about herpes is it.

 

Let the guy go.

[JaneyJ1991]

Go get yourself tested and specifically ask for hsv1 and 2 otherwise it's not tested in a general screening. That's how much it's not a big deal for the health department.

 

It is hypocrite to pass such a judgment without having been tested yourself on top of it all YOU are the one who asked him to get tested. Go get tested.

 

I did ask him to go get tested. Because I have been tested for EVERYTHING else--chlamydia, gonnerhea, syphilis, HIV and hepatitis. Herpes is almost NEVER screened for unless you have a lesion. That's why I was downright shocked when I found out yesterday, that his GP even ran the titer for herpes. Most deny you that, unless you've had something suspicious happen.

I have an IUD--my biggest concern with him having not been tested was chlamydia--something that would make me sterile with an IUD. Never in my wildest dreams did I think he would come back with this.

 

I should go get tested. The only time I've ever had sex, the guy I lost my virginity to, is also the guy who cheated repeatedly, and at the end of the relationship, beat me up so badly I was hospitalized (do we perhaps see a few factors in HOW I became as paranoid as I am?) .

Edited May 17, 2015 by JaneyJ1991