Were You Forced To Become The Dumper?

[imbax]

You've fallen into the trap of thinking someone would make a good partner simply because you think she's hot and the chemistry was high. There is clearly no other reason because she didn't treat you well and you've cataloged all the ways she treated you like crap.

 

Don't be a slave to your fleeting attractions. Don't be a doormat who is willing to put up with crappy behavior in order to be with a hot girl.

 

Woooo this is me for sure. My exgf treated me quite bad at times but she was smoking hot!

 

If you had of continued the relationship you would have ended up like me. I put up with everything my ex gf did to me for 3.5 years. Always let her win the fights. Always was the one fixing the problems and apologising. And like you, I even thought of breaking up with her at one stage. Problem is I didn't have the balls to do it. So I just accepted her and enjoyed her company for the most part until she was sick of me

 

Sometimes she would call me and if I said something she didn't like she would hang up on me and not talk to me for a day then would ask me if I know what I did wrong which used to frustrate the hell out of me.

 

Or at times she would take all of her stress out on me and expect me to be happy with her. Felt like I was her punching bag at times

 

But nah, I won't talk bad about her to future girlfriends out of respect. My description of the breakup will be "we were not compatible"

Edited May 9, 2015 by imbax

[soulforge]

Woooo this is me for sure. My exgf treated me quite bad at times but she was smoking hot!

 

If you had of continued the relationship you would have ended up like me. I put up with everything my ex gf did to me for 3.5 years. Always let her win the fights. Always was the one fixing the problems and apologising. And like you, I even thought of breaking up with her at one stage. Problem is I didn't have the balls to do it. So I just accepted her and enjoyed her company for the most part until she was sick of me

 

Sometimes she would call me and if I said something she didn't like she would hang up on me and not talk to me for a day then would ask me if I know what I did wrong which used to frustrate the hell out of me.

 

Or at times she would take all of her stress out on me and expect me to be happy with her. Felt like I was her punching bag at times

 

But nah, I won't talk bad about her to future girlfriends out of respect. My description of the breakup will be "we were not compatible"

 

 

Did you ever get to the stage where you genuinely started to believe that it was your fault, when it really wasn't? ?

[Downtown]

What i mean by egg shells is this.... And i hope some of you can shed some light on these two events for me????

Soul, I understood what you meant by "walking on eggshells" because I did that for 15 years with my BPDer exW. Moreover, I had already read your two examples of your exGF "creating a drama out of nothing" in your other two threads. That behavior, especially when it starts only 4 months into a relationship, is one of the warning signs for having strong BPD traits.

 

She needs to calm down.

Yes, she does. Yet, if she has strong traits of BPD, her emotional development is stuck at the level of a four year old and she lacks the skill -- which the rest of us learned in childhood -- of doing self soothing to control her own emotions.

 

The reason why she believes i was angry with her is because when i texted her that morning and asked what she did with herself on her day off, i did not put a X on the text message.

Similarly, my BPDer exW would do sulking or have a temper tantrum over very minor actions (real or imagined). Such triggers included the following:

 

• Feeling disrespected because, on a crowded narrow sidewalk, she noticed I was walking two steps in front of her for a minute -- which she imagined to mean I was embarrassed to be seen walking beside her;
  
• Sulking whenever she would see me glance at another woman for a second instead of a half-second; and
  
• Sulking when I stepped away from her for a few minutes to look at large bird cage in a furniture store -- her cold withdrawal was so bad that our North Carolina vacation (where we had met up with my sister and BIL) was ended two days early.
  

But over the pettiest of things, i get painted completely black.

If she has strong BPD traits, she has only two colors with which to paint: "completely black" and completely white. Grey simply isn't on her palette. Because a BPDer is emotionally stunted, she is too immature to integrate strong conflicting feelings. She therefore finds it too uncomfortable or frightening to handle ambiguities, uncertainties, mixed feelings, or the other grey areas of interpersonal relationships.

 

The result is that a BPDer will categorize everyone (who draws close to her) as "all good" or "all bad" -- and will recategorize someone, in only a few seconds, from one polar extreme to the other based solely on a minor infraction or comment (real or imagined). This is the same behavior you will see in young children who, in a few seconds, will flip from adoring Daddy to hating or devaluing Daddy. And they will flip back again just as quickly.

 

How can i have a healthy long term relationship with someone who will not talk like an adult?

Soul, if your exGF has strong BPD traits, she is too immature to "talk like an adult" on any emotionally sensitive issue. And, with a BPDer, nearly all interpersonal issues are extremely sensitive.

 

It is important to recognize, however, that BPD is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). Moreover, at various stages in our lives, all of us can temporarily be at the upper end of that spectrum (as occurs during early childhood or periods of strong hormone changes, e.g., puberty, pregnancy, postpartum, and mid-life changes).

 

At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum year after year). Not having met her, I cannot know the answer to that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list.

 

They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as very controlling behavior, always being "The Victim," and rapid event-triggered mood flips. If you're interested in reading about these red flags, the two links I gave you are an easy place to start.

[imbax]

Did you ever get to the stage where you genuinely started to believe that it was your fault, when it really wasn't? ?

 

interesting enough, yes i did i think. I had always believed that females / girls were the ones who were affectionate and caring. They were the ones who wanted to meet up, do things together a bit of romance you know?

 

My exgf told me that she was different to other girls and that I would be the one making the plans / initiating things because she is a "passive person". So for over most of 3.5 years, I initiated everything sometimes I even felt like she was so fed up with doing stuff with me but I kept doing what she told me because that was what she wanted right?

 

When I asked her why she was always so distant as she rarely gave me any affection, initiated texting or wanted to do things with me so she also told me that she wasn't the "affectionate" person, as in she would rarely hold my hand, show me love and affection kisses etc.

 

She felt distant and more of a friend (except when having sex), which left me to give all the affection and made me feel quite insecure as a result. My gut feeling knew that this was wrong for most of the relationship but I stuck with her anyways.

 

I ended up asking her if she loved me or if she even cared (multiple times throughout the 3.5 years), she kept saying yes and she was putting in 100% effort for me (but I didn't feel this way due to the examples I listed above). I always thought actions speak louder than words and her actions were not doing anything. So apparently I was too high maintenance as a boyfriend and wanted too much from her by needing affection and someone to talk to all the time.

 

She hated confrontation so I kept saying if we are going to make a relationship work, we have to try and talk over our problems. I felt like sometimes I was talking to a brick wall that would not listen to what I had to say nor tell me what she was thinking. It frustrated the crap out of me because she didn't want to fix problems and wanted to just give me attitude and stay moody/angry for no reason. And on top of this, she would say she is trying her hardest for me.

 

Whenever we had a discussion about something she would get worked up if my views didn't agree with hers and she made me believe that her views were right all the time.

 

Looking back, the first few months of our relationship were like yours in that they were quite rocky and she was quite moody/bitchy to me. It felt like a rollercoaster. Not sure if it was the placebo effect but she told me that her psychiatrist (that she was seeing for depression) had diagnosed her with borderline bipolar disorder. I accepted her the way she was and thought she could become better as a result. She broke up with me a couple of times (only for a day or as a suggestion), tried to suicide in times of stress, tried to jump out of my moving car when she got into a small disagreement with me. I kept preventing her by pinning her down until she calmed down. I was at ends wits at some times, she was my first girlfriend, I loved her but had NEVER experienced anything like this before it was driving me insane.

 

She even broke up with me every now and then or always brought the subject of breaking up with me if she was going overseas or if she had something coming up for example "i think now would be a good time to break up seeing as we have finished exams and we have the whole summer to get over each other".

 

Slowly but surely I got used to her craziness and she got used to me so we sort of just grew into each other and she settled down a little after the first few months. And yes for the record, I think at one point we were quite happy with each other. And yes there was a lot of happiness in the relationship (maybe only from me). But it never felt right with her so I turned the blind eye and thought this was how relationships were with girls.

 

I broke up once with her 1.5 years ago due to my unhappiness with her disrespect for the relationship and more importantly me. This happened because she was meant to pick me up after my long flight at the airport but she was late by 1 hour due to wanting extra sleep. I was pissed off to say the least because every time she went overseas I would wait for her at the exit terminal with flowers and water. In contrary, when I came back, she made me wait 1 hour in the sun/heat for her to arrive then proceeded to act moody/angry at me for confronting her about it the whole day which resulted in me breaking up with her.

 

I went back to her and apologised the next day. GRRRRRR

 

About 2 years ago, she broke up with me for the same reasons as the current break up. Back then, she cracked after a few days of NC and said she missed me. Then she got angry a few days later when I didn't reply. She then threatened to block me and never speak to me again so I asked her why she was angry and she said because I was being disrespectful towards her and if I really wanted the relationship to work I would message her.

 

She then blamed me for making her breakup with me and didn't apologise. WTF? <----however back then, i was just happy she gave me a second chance so I was happy to take the blame.

 

She made me believe that I was wrong after every fight (except one or two where she apologised) but overall she was extremely rude and arrogant to me refusing to apologise even if she was in the wrong due to some sort of anger / pride issues.

 

When she broke up with me this time, she told me she had "tried her best for the relationship and had put in 100%" and basically blamed the failure on me and how we are not compatible and "too too different". She told me that my needs of seeing her once to twice a week on the weekend was stressing her out because "she can't have someone there for her 24/7"and she did not like the pressure of having to meet me and wanted to hang with her new found friends at her new work.

 

Yeah right I thought, after 3.5 years of dating she finally figures out that we are "too different??" what a load of BS.

 

So I think you made the right decision. If you had stayed in the relationship like I did for mine (ignoring the red flags for the first few months) you would have been in a relationship like me. She would be cold,distant and never willing to see you. She would blame things on you and make you the person who did things wrong. You will then feel like you have done things wrong and accept the fact that this is just how the relationship is. Then, one day she will break up with you out of the blue like my ex-gf did to me. I think you have made an excellent choice. To be honest, I am sort of glad my ex-gf broke up with me now, I think I would have gone mad if she kept treating me the way she did.

 

I am at day 14 NC (3 weeks post break up) and I don't feel all that bad to be honest. I think it's just coming to terms that yes we did have a good relationship but she treated me like dirt for the most part so I don't think I am missing much. I mean she wouldn't text me much anyways so NC isn't much different to how it normally is.

[soulforge]

interesting enough, yes i did i think. I had always believed that females / girls were the ones who were affectionate and caring. They were the ones who wanted to meet up, do things together a bit of romance you know?

 

My exgf told me that she was different to other girls and that I would be the one making the plans / initiating things because she is a "passive person". So for over most of 3.5 years, I initiated everything sometimes I even felt like she was so fed up with doing stuff with me but I kept doing what she told me because that was what she wanted right?

 

When I asked her why she was always so distant as she rarely gave me any affection, initiated texting or wanted to do things with me so she also told me that she wasn't the "affectionate" person, as in she would rarely hold my hand, show me love and affection kisses etc.

 

She felt distant and more of a friend (except when having sex), which left me to give all the affection and made me feel quite insecure as a result. My gut feeling knew that this was wrong for most of the relationship but I stuck with her anyways.

 

I ended up asking her if she loved me or if she even cared (multiple times throughout the 3.5 years), she kept saying yes and she was putting in 100% effort for me (but I didn't feel this way due to the examples I listed above). I always thought actions speak louder than words and her actions were not doing anything. So apparently I was too high maintenance as a boyfriend and wanted too much from her by needing affection and someone to talk to all the time.

 

She hated confrontation so I kept saying if we are going to make a relationship work, we have to try and talk over our problems. I felt like sometimes I was talking to a brick wall that would not listen to what I had to say nor tell me what she was thinking. It frustrated the crap out of me because she didn't want to fix problems and wanted to just give me attitude and stay moody/angry for no reason. And on top of this, she would say she is trying her hardest for me.

 

Whenever we had a discussion about something she would get worked up if my views didn't agree with hers and she made me believe that her views were right all the time.

 

Looking back, the first few months of our relationship were like yours in that they were quite rocky and she was quite moody/bitchy to me. It felt like a rollercoaster. Not sure if it was the placebo effect but she told me that her psychiatrist (that she was seeing for depression) had diagnosed her with borderline bipolar disorder. I accepted her the way she was and thought she could become better as a result. She broke up with me a couple of times (only for a day or as a suggestion), tried to suicide in times of stress, tried to jump out of my moving car when she got into a small disagreement with me. I kept preventing her by pinning her down until she calmed down. I was at ends wits at some times, she was my first girlfriend, I loved her but had NEVER experienced anything like this before it was driving me insane.

 

She even broke up with me every now and then or always brought the subject of breaking up with me if she was going overseas or if she had something coming up for example "i think now would be a good time to break up seeing as we have finished exams and we have the whole summer to get over each other".

 

Slowly but surely I got used to her craziness and she got used to me so we sort of just grew into each other and she settled down a little after the first few months. And yes for the record, I think at one point we were quite happy with each other. And yes there was a lot of happiness in the relationship (maybe only from me). But it never felt right with her so I turned the blind eye and thought this was how relationships were with girls.

 

I broke up once with her 1.5 years ago due to my unhappiness with her disrespect for the relationship and more importantly me. This happened because she was meant to pick me up after my long flight at the airport but she was late by 1 hour due to wanting extra sleep. I was pissed off to say the least because every time she went overseas I would wait for her at the exit terminal with flowers and water. In contrary, when I came back, she made me wait 1 hour in the sun/heat for her to arrive then proceeded to act moody/angry at me for confronting her about it the whole day which resulted in me breaking up with her.

 

I went back to her and apologised the next day. GRRRRRR

 

About 2 years ago, she broke up with me for the same reasons as the current break up. Back then, she cracked after a few days of NC and said she missed me. Then she got angry a few days later when I didn't reply. She then threatened to block me and never speak to me again so I asked her why she was angry and she said because I was being disrespectful towards her and if I really wanted the relationship to work I would message her.

 

She then blamed me for making her breakup with me and didn't apologise. WTF? <----however back then, i was just happy she gave me a second chance so I was happy to take the blame.

 

She made me believe that I was wrong after every fight (except one or two where she apologised) but overall she was extremely rude and arrogant to me refusing to apologise even if she was in the wrong due to some sort of anger / pride issues.

 

When she broke up with me this time, she told me she had "tried her best for the relationship and had put in 100%" and basically blamed the failure on me and how we are not compatible and "too too different". She told me that my needs of seeing her once to twice a week on the weekend was stressing her out because "she can't have someone there for her 24/7"and she did not like the pressure of having to meet me and wanted to hang with her new found friends at her new work.

 

Yeah right I thought, after 3.5 years of dating she finally figures out that we are "too different??" what a load of BS.

 

So I think you made the right decision. If you had stayed in the relationship like I did for mine (ignoring the red flags for the first few months) you would have been in a relationship like me. She would be cold,distant and never willing to see you. She would blame things on you and make you the person who did things wrong. You will then feel like you have done things wrong and accept the fact that this is just how the relationship is. Then, one day she will break up with you out of the blue like my ex-gf did to me. I think you have made an excellent choice. To be honest, I am sort of glad my ex-gf broke up with me now, I think I would have gone mad if she kept treating me the way she did.

 

I am at day 14 NC (3 weeks post break up) and I don't feel all that bad to be honest. I think it's just coming to terms that yes we did have a good relationship but she treated me like dirt for the most part so I don't think I am missing much. I mean she wouldn't text me much anyways so NC isn't much different to how it normally is.

 

Wow sounds like you went through utter hell with this woman... i am glad you finally got out... please don't go back to this situation my friend.. once you have healed, you will never look back.. so i hope you remain strong with your NC

 

Your ex sounds like a terrible person...

 

 

As for me... i really liked this girl.. and i even imagined a long term future with her.. we had many happy moments, and amazing physical connection... but i did also ignore some big red flags

 

Some rude and disrespecful behaviour from her.. and quite alot of complaining and nagging!

 

Within a week of dating her, she started to call me a small man.. and even called me tiny.. i am 5ft7 so not very tall... but I workout alot... i have big arms and big chest etc etc

 

It used to bother me, when she called me that.. i found it rude.. almost belittling me.. so one day i called her big boned... and she finaly took the hint... she avoided calling me small after that, but she did still say it occasionally..

 

 

She used to tell me and remind me how lucky i am, because she gives me oral sex... this was her way of hinting that i should be greatful to her..

 

Also she used to say, that she will have to stop making sex so easily available to me.. again hinting that i should be greatfull that she gives me sex..

 

 

I feel like she wanted to use sex, as a method of control..

 

Niether one of us is perfect.. Most humans have flaws.. sometimes i make mistakes, but i am willing to communicate and work through problems, in order for the relationship to succeed...

 

But if one person is always going to play the victim, and never lift a finger to make things work, then that relationship is doomed.

 

the worse thing is, these people make you feel like, that it is us at complete fault..

 

When you care or love someone, you should be willing to put your petty differences aside.. and talk like adults..

 

I believe i did the right thing by pulling the plug on her... and exiting this rearelationship, before i totaly fell for her.. or things got too deep..

 

 

She is already back on POF looking for another man... i ended it just under 2 weeks ago

[soulforge]

I should start looking at this as a lucky escape.. i got out before i fell in love with her.. i got out before i got cheated on (i think) i have some suspicions in that area!!

 

 

Also i saved myself from the humiliation of bieng dumped By her... instead i dumped her.. where she probably thought i would carry on groveling to her, like a dog!!!

[soulforge]

Does anybody have any idea, why a girl would start dropping hints about marriage and living abroad together etc, within only 3 months of dating? ???

 

 

Isn't that a bit odd??

[aloneinaz]

Dude,

 

You need to let go and stop your spinning mind on this train wreck you dated. Put that energy into something else and let her go. I agree with the other poster as she sounds like she had elements of borderline personality disorder. Reading your lengthy posts, it's CLEAR she was exhibiting all sorts of MAJOR red flags from day one. You were lucky. You dumped her and now should focus on your next GF vs. wasting time trying to figure out your last one.

[soulforge2013]

having a rough day today, so just coming on here to vent!!

 

 

 

rather here, than to start contacting my ex!

 

i know i was only seeing her 4 months, but it was a very intense 4 months, and foolishly i was starting to see a long term future with her.. till the red flags started popping up

 

was it really that evil what i did? i got upset because she did not come over for our arranged date.. she kept telling me i was in a mood with her, but i was not, i was looking forward to seeing her.

 

i got annoyed because she had no intention of coming over, unless i tetxted her first and asked her to come over!

 

so i told her to "get a grip" those three words have cost me this relationship!

 

can't believe we broke up over such a petty stupid thing!

[joseb]

Does anybody have any idea, why a girl would start dropping hints about marriage and living abroad together etc, within only 3 months of dating? ???

 

 

Isn't that a bit odd??

 

Yes, it's because she's a crazy borderline. That's all you need to know.

It's not her fault, that's the way she is. But she can't change.

 

You didn't break up because of anything trivial like you are saying.

You broke up because you know at a certain level that this is a toxic relationship. You need to stay away from her.

 

Unless of course, you want to have a life filled with drama, misery, self doubt and a few kids as hostages to make sure you don't escape. If so, feel free to call her up.

[soulforge2013]

its been nearly 3 weeks since i last saw her..

 

how long does it take to get over a 4month relationship?

 

 

i know it was not a very long time.. but those 4months was very intense.. we talked about a long term future together etc..

 

and i really felt like this girl was the one for me, untill the red flags started popping up & things went bandy!!!

 

i really did not believe breaking up with her would impact me this badly!!

[soulforge]

Been thinking long and hard about my break up... i admit there was things she did wrong and there was some things i did wrong..

 

 

We both handled the situation quite badly.. so we was both responsible for the argument that led to our break up..

 

In the end it was me who ended it with her... i tried to communicate with her, and try to resolve our fallout.. but she was bieng very in responsive and would not talk..

 

 

In the end i decide to finish it.. i kinda feel we could had sorted things out, maybe i should have been more patient, gave her some more time!!

 

Anynhow 2 weeks after the breakup, she is now back on Plenty of fish dating site?

 

 

Should i reach out to her and see if she is willing to talk??

 

Remember it was me who officially ended it... but it was kinda mutual because didn't bother trying to make up with me!!

 

 

Would trying to talk to her now, be a mistake? I would be putting her in a position of power

[quattrob]

I think in your position since it was you who decided that you wanted the relationship to end (even though there were wrong with you and also her), you shouldn't care too much about who has more positional power. If you want to have a chance to at least communicate with her you need to forget about who is in control etc.. that is really petty thing to consider, considering your circumstance.

 

 

You were impatient and most likely frustrated which led to you not thinking or acting straight. I also feel like you only started to really want to reach out to her because you saw her on PoF.. that pushed you enough to want to get back with her because you still haven't totally let go of her, and you probably have that mindset of "how can she move on so quickly, while you're still haven't really sorted out yourself".

 

 

In a sense you just can't accept that she has or is moving on, so you want to reach out to maybe try again because you just cant accept it.

 

 

In the end just don't think too much, either reach out or you don't. The answer will always be the same from her. She either accepts or doesn't. If you want her back contact her/reach out, if you don't then don't contact.. you don't need to overthink things. If you wanted moral support then well just ask.

[aloneinaz]

It sounds like you were both comfortable with the decision to end the relationship which is damaging for any reconcilliation. Once a relationship is allowed to end, they rarely ever work again. Yes, it's super exciting when you first re-connect after a break but it's a fleeting high that passes very quickly. Then, all the same things re-appear that caused the first break up. Been there done that..

 

You saw her on POF. It's natural that you're having doubts as you think about a woman you were with out with new guys, moving on w/her life. It's natural that it would rattle you a bit. Just be realistic w/yourself. It didn't work the first time. You're better off joining a dating site and finding someone you're more compatiable with long term.

[soulforge]

It wasn't just this argument that forced me to end it with her... there was other incidences, where we had a petty little fallout, and she would sabotage the relationship!!

 

She does not communicate to resolve any problems.. its me who has reached out to her twice before..

 

I am worried, if i got back together with her.. i would have to walk on egg shells, incase she got angry or upset.. and that lead to her ceasing all communication with me!!

 

In that situation i would have to reach out again.. i would essentially be handing all the power in the relationship to her!!!

 

I admit seeing her on there has upset and bothered me.. she will be sleeping with other guys.. it hurts!!!

 

 

But i have to look at the bigger picture... will this girl make a good long term partner for me??

 

Can we get over petty silly arguments? i get the feeling this is a lost cause

[soulforge]

if i reach out to her, she may end up rejecting me... which will add to the pain i am already feeling!

 

 

If she is not willing to admit her own faults.. and is not willing to communicate?

 

 

Then am i just wasting my time with her... i am willing to admit when i get something wrong, i am happy to talk things through and make changes

 

 

But she seems to lay all the blame on me, and will not meet me half way

[norajane]

I think you'd be better off taking a good, hard look at why you are so attracted to a dysfunctional person and dysfunctional relationship.

 

You know she's bad news, she's shown you that she's bad news, and she's still that same person. If seeing the truth of how she is with you isn't enough to make you want to step away and forget about her, then the issue is within you. Teach yourself not to keep chasing bad relationships.

[minime13]

First off, your two different profile names (soulforge and soulforge2013, which you linked in the first response as your previous reply) tell conflicting stories about this woman that you broke up with. I'm not saying that, alone, is enough to lead me to believe that you may be full of it, but I think you are kind of manipulating the situation.

 

With both of the exes that you discussed here, on this forum, under the 2 different usernames, you describe them both as having some kind of personality disorder and put all the fault on them. Everyone shares responsibility in a relationship - some have the fault of sticking with things too long. This may be partly what your fault is, but your discrepancies about this relationship (in particular) within the 2 different usernames you have on this page, which you signed up with both on the same day, tell me that you are seeking some kind of weird validation.

 

Also, in both exes that you have discussed here, you seem really concerned with and put a lot of importance on who is dumping who. The first relationship (3+ years, broke up in December?) you made mention that you blew an opportunity because you weren't the one that broke up with her. In this post, you make mention that you are happy that you were the one that dumped her, and did not face the humiliation of being dumped.

 

You need to explore that stuff, because that's not healthy.

 

Anyway, I don't know that you're telling the full truth here, so I don't know how these answers will really help you.

 

Maybe I'm mistaken, and maybe you were just dating two girls at once. That will cause some issues, as well, especially since you insinuated you thought this ex may have cheated on you.

 

There's a lot of stuff to work on here, personally, before you date again.

[soulforge]

First off, your two different profile names (soulforge and soulforge2013, which you linked in the first response as your previous reply) tell conflicting stories about this woman that you broke up with. I'm not saying that, alone, is enough to lead me to believe that you may be full of it, but I think you are kind of manipulating the situation.

 

With both of the exes that you discussed here, on this forum, under the 2 different usernames, you describe them both as having some kind of personality disorder and put all the fault on them. Everyone shares responsibility in a relationship - some have the fault of sticking with things too long. This may be partly what your fault is, but your discrepancies about this relationship (in particular) within the 2 different usernames you have on this page, which you signed up with both on the same day, tell me that you are seeking some kind of weird validation.

 

Also, in both exes that you have discussed here, you seem really concerned with and put a lot of importance on who is dumping who. The first relationship (3+ years, broke up in December?) you made mention that you blew an opportunity because you weren't the one that broke up with her. In this post, you make mention that you are happy that you were the one that dumped her, and did not face the humiliation of being dumped.

 

You need to explore that stuff, because that's not healthy.

 

Anyway, I don't know that you're telling the full truth here, so I don't know how these answers will really help you.

 

Maybe I'm mistaken, and maybe you were just dating two girls at once. That will cause some issues, as well, especially since you insinuated you thought this ex may have cheated on you.

 

There's a lot of stuff to work on here, personally, before you date again.

 

 

 

The reason why i had two accounts was because, i had lost the password on my previous account.. so i made a fresh account, but obviously it turned out my desktop browser had actualy saved my old details, and logged me in with my old details..

 

I am currently using my samsung tablet, which has new account details saved on it..

 

And i did not even realise this... as for my past relationship.. it was a very toxic relationship, and i was in love with that woman.. took me a couple of years to get out of that situation...

 

 

As for my present situation.. if you read through my posts, you will notice that on numerous times i have stated that we BOTH could have communicated better with each other

 

I Stated clearly that i reached out twice to her, swallowed my pride, in order to discuss and resolve matters..

 

I have even said, i got upset at her for not sticking to pre arranged plans for the date.. and i should have kept my cool..

 

But the real issue to me was... why am i again the one desperately trying to keep the relationship going, while she sits there blaming me for everything and sulking?

 

 

Takes the initiative of two people to communicate and talk to resolve a disagreemant!!!

 

This is EXACTLY how i got into my last toxic relationship.. i was the one always putting up with bad behaviour and desperate to make the relationship work.. and i put up with alot..

 

I chased her alot, gave all the power to her, then started to get treated like dirt..

 

 

This is why i pulled the plug on this current relationship, because i was making all the effort again..

 

In that text, she accused me wrongfully of bieng in a mood with her.. this annoyed me, so i said "get a grip, i was not in a mood at all"

 

and that is why she dropped all communication with me.. because i said get a grip..

 

I explained to her i was abit upset and got annoyed because we did not meet, offered to go out for some food and to nicely discuss things over

 

But I got a cold response from her.. ?

 

 

I have not once suggested she is BODERLLINE.. i very doubt she is... others have suggested it... but i have not

 

 

If i truly believed she was boderline, i would be running for my life..

[minime13]

Well, there were still some discrepancies (timeline, especially) but it really sounds like you are attracted to the drama of this type of relationship - whether it be conscious or subconscious. I think you need to leave this relationship alone, and work through that issue. Figure out why you seem to be attracted to toxic relationships that always seem to leave you powerless. See why it is that you place so much focus and emphasis on power in a relationship (all relationships have power struggles, but power shouldn't really be the focal point).

 

I think there are some things that you need to figure out about yourself before looking into any other intimate relationship in the future (this includes your present situation).

 

It is good that you eventually saw that it does take two to tango - that's a start.

[soulforge]

Well, there were still some discrepancies (timeline, especially) but it really sounds like you are attracted to the drama of this type of relationship - whether it be conscious or subconscious. I think you need to leave this relationship alone, and work through that issue. Figure out why you seem to be attracted to toxic relationships that always seem to leave you powerless. See why it is that you place so much focus and emphasis on power in a relationship (all relationships have power struggles, but power shouldn't really be the focal point).

 

I think there are some things that you need to figure out about yourself before looking into any other intimate relationship in the future (this includes your present situation).

 

It is good that you eventually saw that it does take two to tango - that's a start.

 

 

God almighty.. it is not about the power!!!

 

 

If one person is reaching out to the other, always trying to sort the problem out, then it is only natural for the other person to feel more power in the relationship!!

 

I care nothing about power, i just don't want to be the one always putting all the work in

[minime13]

God almighty.. it is not about the power!!!

 

 

If one person is reaching out to the other, always trying to sort the problem out, then it is only natural for the other person to feel more power in the relationship!!

 

I care nothing about power, i just don't want to be the one always putting all the work in

 

Sorry, you have said "power" or a form of that word one too many times in your posts for it to not be about power. You can take the advice or leave it, but you can't always make the advice what you want to hear.

[soulforge]

Sorry, you have said "power" or a form of that word one too many times in your posts for it to not be about power. You can take the advice or leave it, but you can't always make the advice what you want to hear.

 

 

What part are you missing?

 

I have already taken the advice off people on here, and walked away, like i was advised... and have been listening

 

I reached out once before.. and tried to work things out and again this time too..

 

Its not about power.. but i don't want to end up in a situation where if i dont do then chasing, apologising etc.. then she lets the relationship go

[elaine567]

I am experiencing two intense emotions..

 

I feel glad that i ended it with her, and deep inside i know it was not right... and then i feel intense guilt.. as in this whole mess is my own fault, and i should again try to salvage things!!!

 

YOU are blaming her, but you are regretting stuff because you know deep down you have to shoulder some of the blame because of the way YOU treated her.

IF she WAS totally at fault here, your conscience would be clear, you would be moving on and never give her a second thought.

 

As it is, you keep trying to convince yourself of her guilt, her fault, even her personality disorder and are seeking the support of forum members, when you are really feeling guilty about your own words and actions here.

YOU came out of a toxic relationship previously where you felt "abused" and powerless.

I guess here you pitched it all wrong in an attempt to make sure you were NOT abused and rendered powerless.

I guess YOU in fact alienated this girl and self sabotaged.

She reacted, she shut down and you eventually ended it.

BUT you now kinda see where you went wrong and now want to make amends.

Frankly I think you blew it, it is too late.

This relationship of only 4 months I guess is NOT salvageable.

Move on, but be mindful of your part in the demise of this relationship and learn from it.

[soulforge]

YOU are blaming her, but you are regretting stuff because you know deep down you have to shoulder some of the blame because of the way YOU treated her.

IF she WAS totally at fault here, your conscience would be clear, you would be moving on and never give her a second thought.

 

As it is, you keep trying to convince yourself of her guilt, her fault, even her personality disorder and are seeking the support of forum members, when you are really feeling guilty about your own words and actions here.

YOU came out of a toxic relationship previously where you felt "abused" and powerless.

I guess here you pitched it all wrong in an attempt to make sure you were NOT abused and rendered powerless.

I guess YOU in fact alienated this girl and self sabotaged.

She reacted, she shut down and you eventually ended it.

BUT you now kinda see where you went wrong and now want to make amends.

Frankly I think you blew it, it is too late.

This relationship of only 4 months I guess is NOT salvageable.

Move on, but be mindful of your part in the demise of this relationship and learn from it.

 

 

I have already stated so many times, that i handled things bably that night too.. i got annoyed because, we did not meet for the date..

 

I have said clearly that we both made mistakes.. but i tried to talk to her face to face and resolve things..

 

Off course i feel guilt.. i had a part to play in this.. even my thread is clearly saying, i ended it, but feel like i could have made the wrong decision..

 

But here is the thing, we argued over something petty...

 

but how do you resolve petty arguments with someone, who cuts the communication off