Author soulforge Posted May 14, 2015 Author Share Posted May 14, 2015 If things where clear cut i wouldn't even be on here... I would have just moved on.. why do u think i tried talking to her.. And i have never once said she is boderline... other people have suggested that not me... the only reason why i ended it.. was because she woud not talk or communicate with me.. If a petty argument leads to a total breakdown of communication, then how would i get through a long term relationship with her.. This is why i was forced to end it Link to post Share on other sites
Author soulforge Posted May 14, 2015 Author Share Posted May 14, 2015 The thing i feel guilty about is telling her to 'get a grip' when she accused me off bieng in a mood with her that morning.. she accused me of bieng rude to her I was annoyed about getting ready for the date, and her not coming.. so yes i was annoyed... i guess doing a hundred good things for a person, means nothing.. if you end up making one simple mistake 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basshunter Posted May 14, 2015 Share Posted May 14, 2015 I'm sorry to be harsh, but the fact that she is on POF so soon after breaking up with you shows that she is over you and pretty much sums up her character. Count yourself lucky, you dodged a bullet here. God knows how miserable you would be if you stayed in this relationship for a substantial amount of time. I thought about my ex for ages after she split with me, but I realised I was only fooling myself. She was a selfish person and I was looking back through rose tinted glasses. Take a break for a few months and then get back into dating. Soon she'll be nothing but a mistake you made in the past. Chin up. Link to post Share on other sites
ByMyself01 Posted May 14, 2015 Share Posted May 14, 2015 Sounds like my ex but except he doesn't reach out to me AT ALL. I always have to do it first and it's just better to move on because I will tell you after years of chasing you will only get tired. If they wanted you, they will not push away so far to the point you have no choice but to move on. And if they do finally reach out to you it's either because they pushed everyone away or to feed their own ''superior' ego. Link to post Share on other sites
Author soulforge Posted May 14, 2015 Author Share Posted May 14, 2015 Sounds like my ex but except he doesn't reach out to me AT ALL. I always have to do it first and it's just better to move on because I will tell you after years of chasing you will only get tired. If they wanted you, they will not push away so far to the point you have no choice but to move on. And if they do finally reach out to you it's either because they pushed everyone away or to feed their own ''superior' ego. I didn't come on here to lay all the blame on her.. i know i could have handled things a little better.. i got upset, and told her to get a grip, and told her i felt like she was playing games She has even admited that we both got our wires crossed about the date.. the fact that she pulled away so much is what i found scarey (and this is not for the first time) Its made me fearful.. if had begged or groveled to her and we got back together? Then what about the next time we have a little tiff... she would pull away again.. and i would be back on here, trying to figure out how to fix things with her.. I did so many good things for her.. cooked for her, took her for days out, ran her baths.. looked after her for two days when she got ill.. Got her a birthday surprise cake.. valentines meal... Non of that means anything, if i make one silly petty mistake!!! Link to post Share on other sites
ByMyself01 Posted May 14, 2015 Share Posted May 14, 2015 I didn't come on here to lay all the blame on her.. i know i could have handled things a little better.. i got upset, and told her to get a grip, and told her i felt like she was playing games She has even admited that we both got our wires crossed about the date.. the fact that she pulled away so much is what i found scarey (and this is not for the first time) Its made me fearful.. if had begged or groveled to her and we got back together? Then what about the next time we have a little tiff... she would pull away again.. and i would be back on here, trying to figure out how to fix things with her.. I did so many good things for her.. cooked for her, took her for days out, ran her baths.. looked after her for two days when she got ill.. Got her a birthday surprise cake.. valentines meal... Non of that means anything, if i make one silly petty mistake!!! I AM you, what you are going through is the mirror of my last relationship except I was a rebound. You might need to figure out if you were a rebound. It's like when they are in love with someone else, anyone else that walks in their path isn't good enough and they simply don't care. Link to post Share on other sites
Author soulforge Posted May 14, 2015 Author Share Posted May 14, 2015 I AM you, what you are going through is the mirror of my last relationship except I was a rebound. You might need to figure out if you were a rebound. It's like when they are in love with someone else, anyone else that walks in their path isn't good enough and they simply don't care. It is possible but i doubt she was rebounding.. i wouldn't completely rule it out tho.. she was quite shady with her whatsapp around me Link to post Share on other sites
Author soulforge Posted May 14, 2015 Author Share Posted May 14, 2015 Here is the thing guys.. we all make mistakes (aslong as they are not serious ones) i,m not perfect, we all have flaws.. but deep down i,m a good guy, and always treat people nicely.. i cared for her alot, and did many nice things for her I think its very important to be able to communicate and move on from petty arguments.. both parties have to try and talk and sort things out... I really did like this girl, and it hurts me to think she is on POF now.. And i still feel like ringing her up and reaching out to her... but i seriously seriously need to ask myself these two questions Is this girl going to make a good long term partner for me, and stand by me through thick and thin? Or will she walk What happens the next time we have a disagreemant or if i get annoyed or upset, or god forbid get angry about something.. will she walk?? The odd argument, or disagreemant is inevitable in most relationship, and on occasions i have had to deal with some disrespect from her... so there is bound to be times when we clash, or i have to call her out as much as i want her back... and it was soooo hard for me to end it with her.. I really don't think this girl will stand by myself... getting back with her now could be a serious mistake and prolong the pain i am feeling. I really do want to reach out to her tho.. but i am fighting the feeling off Link to post Share on other sites
BikerAccnt Posted May 14, 2015 Share Posted May 14, 2015 Its not about power.. but i don't want to end up in a situation where if i dont do then chasing, apologising etc.. then she lets the relationship go You don't really have a choice about that. If you opt not to do those things ( and you shouldn't too often) and she lets the relationship go, then so be it. Over, done. You may not want to be in that situation, but there you are. So you are left to just deal with reality as it is, not as you would like it to be. As you said, you don't want to be in a relationship where you do all that..always. Link to post Share on other sites
Author soulforge Posted May 14, 2015 Author Share Posted May 14, 2015 You don't really have a choice about that. If you opt not to do those things ( and you shouldn't too often) and she lets the relationship go, then so be it. Over, done. You may not want to be in that situation, but there you are. So you are left to just deal with reality as it is, not as you would like it to be. As you said, you don't want to be in a relationship where you do all that..always. I person with any kind of self respect would not keep chasing there partner to keep the relationship alive.. thats just a one sided relationship.. it takes two people to make it work.. Link to post Share on other sites
quattrob Posted May 14, 2015 Share Posted May 14, 2015 I didn't come on here to lay all the blame on her.. i know i could have handled things a little better.. i got upset, and told her to get a grip, and told her i felt like she was playing games She has even admited that we both got our wires crossed about the date.. the fact that she pulled away so much is what i found scarey (and this is not for the first time) Its made me fearful.. if had begged or groveled to her and we got back together? Then what about the next time we have a little tiff... she would pull away again.. and i would be back on here, trying to figure out how to fix things with her.. I did so many good things for her.. cooked for her, took her for days out, ran her baths.. looked after her for two days when she got ill.. Got her a birthday surprise cake.. valentines meal... Non of that means anything, if i make one silly petty mistake!!! You can self praise/self gratify to others and list out all the nice and how good of a guy you are but at the end of the day if the person you're doing these things to and for doesn't appreciate it/them and weren't grateful then they are not the ones you should expect yourself to be with and definitely not the ones you should be doing these things to/for. Not blaming you for being nice and doing all those good/sweet things for her but you have to realize that she obviously didn't appreciate them the way she should've otherwise you wouldn't be in the situation you are at now over "petty" argument and she wouldn't shut you out the way she is. The only thing you can do now is heal yourself and forget about her. It was a short relationship and it doesn't seem like you meant much to her. If she had even alittle bit of consideration on getting back together with you, she would not ignore/shut down communications with you. It sucks but that's the way it is, right now you're still far from a good mental state relationship wise but once you recovered/healed you'll see that this whole thing was a waste of time and it wasn't that big of a deal in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author soulforge Posted May 14, 2015 Author Share Posted May 14, 2015 You can self praise/self gratify to others and list out all the nice and how good of a guy you are but at the end of the day if the person you're doing these things to and for doesn't appreciate it/them and weren't grateful then they are not the ones you should expect yourself to be with and definitely not the ones you should be doing these things to/for. Not blaming you for being nice and doing all those good/sweet things for her but you have to realize that she obviously didn't appreciate them the way she should've otherwise you wouldn't be in the situation you are at now over "petty" argument and she wouldn't shut you out the way she is. The only thing you can do now is heal yourself and forget about her. It was a short relationship and it doesn't seem like you meant much to her. If she had even alittle bit of consideration on getting back together with you, she would not ignore/shut down communications with you. It sucks but that's the way it is, right now you're still far from a good mental state relationship wise but once you recovered/healed you'll see that this whole thing was a waste of time and it wasn't that big of a deal in your life. I agree with you... it was 4 months... i will recover from this in a few months... i should be counting myself lucky to be walking away after such a short time.. could have been alot more worse!!! When i read some of the stories on here, and how badly some people have been screwed over.. i should really count myself lucky to have dodged a bullet!! i will cut her out... strict no contact, and find someone more suitable for myself.. its her loss.. Link to post Share on other sites
Downtown Posted May 15, 2015 Share Posted May 15, 2015 I have not once suggested she is BODERLLINE.. i very doubt she is... others have suggested it... but i have not. Soul, nobody in this thread has suggested "she is Borderline," as you say. Indeed, I'm the only member who mentioned BPD and I did not make that suggestion. On the contrary, I said "if she really does exhibit such a pattern of BPD traits, you would have seen more warning signs than the ones you mention." (Post 23.) What I DID suggest, then, was that:"If you ever feel inclined to take her back, I would suggest that you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you've been dealing with." (Post 23 above.) "At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum year after year). Not having met her, I cannot know the answer to that question." (Post 28 above.) Link to post Share on other sites
Author soulforge Posted May 15, 2015 Author Share Posted May 15, 2015 Soul, nobody in this thread has suggested "she is Borderline," as you say. Indeed, I'm the only member who mentioned BPD and I did not make that suggestion. On the contrary, I said "if she really does exhibit such a pattern of BPD traits, you would have seen more warning signs than the ones you mention." (Post 23.) What I DID suggest, then, was that:"If you ever feel inclined to take her back, I would suggest that you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you've been dealing with." (Post 23 above.) "At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum year after year). Not having met her, I cannot know the answer to that question." (Post 28 above.) Thats fair enough, i understand the point you was making.. what ever she is, I don't think I will be getting a healthy relationship out of her.. Seems too risky to try and get back together.. I could be in a whole lot worse situation down the line Link to post Share on other sites
Author soulforge Posted May 15, 2015 Author Share Posted May 15, 2015 I have been tempted to reach out to her.. but i know the slightest little hiccup and i will find myself back on this forum.. looking for ways to fix things.. seems like an easier option to get out now and move on.. than invest in something that is bound to go wrong.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author soulforge Posted May 15, 2015 Author Share Posted May 15, 2015 I am very tempted to reach out to her.. and see if she wants to talk? Would that be foolish of me? I,m somewhat fearful if i got back together with her.. i would only end up in this situation all over again.. She can be a little cocky and rude sometimes, so an incident is inevitable at some point... what if she drops communication again, and we can't resolve the issue. . Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby65 Posted May 15, 2015 Share Posted May 15, 2015 I,m not calling this current girl abusive.. but she will not make any effort to resolve problems.. Either because she does not care.. or because she wants me to chase, grovel, apologies, plead.. so she can gain control or power over the relationship!!! Or she is too proud or stubborn and sensitive to let go of things, and will keep escalating the fallout... Whatever the reason is... its not possible to have a healthy relationship with her.. every couple has the odd fallout.. the key is to talk and resolve these problems, like grown adults and get past it... then move on with your relationship.. She seems to play victim and sabotage the relationship... it just cannot workout with her... i had no choice but to end it!!!! either that or end up walking on egg shells around her for good Right now, it feels better and easier to consider going back to her -- compared to going through a breakup and missing the good parts of the relationship you had with her. Who enjoys going through a breakup? Nobody. But the thing is, if you can muscle through and get to the point where you're healed and ready to move on, the reward waiting for you on the other side of this is a new healthier relationship with someone much much better for you. Re-read your earlier posts when you need help sticking to your decision! It really is the right decision. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted May 15, 2015 Share Posted May 15, 2015 I am very tempted to reach out to her.. and see if she wants to talk? Would that be foolish of me? I,m somewhat fearful if i got back together with her.. i would only end up in this situation all over again.. She can be a little cocky and rude sometimes, so an incident is inevitable at some point... what if she drops communication again, and we can't resolve the issue. . No. Don’t contact her. This relationship is over. Why would you want to be with someone that you see as so flawed? I’d never want to be with someone who viewed me the way you view her. You’re still talking about the conflicts as her being petty, playing games, playing the victim, blaming, being rude, proud, stubborn, etc. It sounds as though you want her back so you can prove how wrong she was and messed up she is- power struggle. Link to post Share on other sites
Author soulforge Posted May 16, 2015 Author Share Posted May 16, 2015 No. Don’t contact her. This relationship is over. Why would you want to be with someone that you see as so flawed? I’d never want to be with someone who viewed me the way you view her. You’re still talking about the conflicts as her being petty, playing games, playing the victim, blaming, being rude, proud, stubborn, etc. It sounds as though you want her back so you can prove how wrong she was and messed up she is- power struggle. I am not trying to potray her as simply bieng a bad person or flawed.. she is not.. if she was really that terrible, then believe me i would be glad to be rid of her and would not be posting on here.. I only dated her for 4 months, and we saw each other twice a week.. its difficult to judge a persons true nature and character in such a short time!! we did have some very good times together and she was nice to me too.. but underlying all this, there was problems and red flags!! Over time she became quite cocky and sometimes said things that i found quite rude.. The one time i called her out for bieng rude towards me, lead to her blaming me for upsetting her.. i had no choice but to call her out This resulted in her not contacting me for 6 days.. she was apparently waiting for me to contact her first.. I am struggling because there was some really good times there too.. and i did my very best to treat her well.. It just seems, everything i do good for her, is thrown out of the window if i make even the pettiest of mistakes.. I go from thevgreat guy.. to the insensitive horrible guy, just like that... We broke up over the most pathetic argument.. this is what hurts me the most Link to post Share on other sites
Author soulforge Posted May 16, 2015 Author Share Posted May 16, 2015 Had a horrible night last night.. The only thing that is stopping me from picking up the phone and ringing her.. is the the thought, that even if we got back together The next time we have a tiff or disagreemant, i could end up in this exact place again!! The communication would break down.. and i would be in much much more pain the second time round Link to post Share on other sites
Author soulforge Posted May 16, 2015 Author Share Posted May 16, 2015 Haha this is alot tougher than i expected.. every day that she is on the POF dating site.. i know that i am losing her!! But i know i have to stay strong.. i must not call her up Link to post Share on other sites
Author soulforge Posted May 16, 2015 Author Share Posted May 16, 2015 How long does it take to get over a 4month relationship? really missing her today, and tempted to reach out.. Link to post Share on other sites
AIJ Posted May 16, 2015 Share Posted May 16, 2015 How long does it take to get over a 4month relationship? really missing her today, and tempted to reach out.. Mine was a little over 5 months so pretty similar, took me 3 months to get over her. 1st month - complete turmoil, struggled sleeping, eating, going to college, doing anything other than laying in bed and moping was quite a struggle. Would occasionally go to the gym, which actually really helped lift my mood temporarily. 2nd month - pure anger, absolutely despised her. Still missed her. 3rd month - this was when I really started to let go, and by the end of the 3rd month, I was certain I was completely over her. In to the 4th month now and although thoughts of her crop up occasionally, they're not very frequent, fond or of any real significance really. It'll take time, but just take the necessary steps to pave the way for your recover ie. removing all reminders, blocking her everywhere etc. and you'll be all good in a few months time I suspect. Link to post Share on other sites
TunaCat Posted May 16, 2015 Share Posted May 16, 2015 Haha this is alot tougher than i expected.. every day that she is on the POF dating site.. i know that i am losing her!! Unfortunately you've already lost her. She doesn't want to be with you. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you'll be able to move on and find someone who does want to be with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author soulforge Posted May 16, 2015 Author Share Posted May 16, 2015 Unfortunately you've already lost her. She doesn't want to be with you. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you'll be able to move on and find someone who does want to be with you. I know i can't be with her either.. she isn't right for me.. just finding it hard, letting it go thats all I keep thinking about all the good things about her.. rather than the negatives that came with her. . I hope it gets easier soon Link to post Share on other sites
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