would it be naive to blow off ex's power/control games with child?

[jakrbbt]

For those who haven't read my story, my ex and I have a 2-yr-old son. We have been divorced only a few months, separated in October. I won't tell the whole story, just relevant highlights:

 

We settled for joint custody and 50/50 parenting time. But as it's playing out, I have our son about 75 percent of the time, and 90 percent of the overnights.

 

During the marrriage, ex showed pretty extreme power play/ passive-aggressive messed-up behavior. He describes his parents as the most controlling people he knows.

 

Ex is often a little unstable, recovering alcoholic, often depressed/unemployed, very disorganized, but for now he does have a job and isn't drinking or smoking weed-- only smoking cigars obsessively.

 

I am stable, a lawyer, former nanny, and I work from home during my parenting days. My mom comes in and helps (she's great, ex agrees), and I work a lot during toddler's sleeping hours.

 

Ex's mother watches our son during ex's days when ex works. Typically she has him 20-30 hours per week.

 

I've been paying for all of our son's care, diapers and food even for when he's at ex's, and extra clothes and furniture et c. I'm trying to stop doing that, and just try not to worry about ex's supposed inability to provide for him himself.

 

Ex still wants me and says he loves me. He keeps saying I'm the best person he knows, the most beautiful, that I'm still "the one" et c. In no way, ever, ever, do I want to ever get back together with him but I admit I am afraid of him because he is a loose cannon and filed for sole custody when we divorced.

 

Ex has been doing stupid little power plays. The recent one is our son's hair.

 

Let me preface by saying, I never thought I'd care about haircuts, hair is just hair, who cares.

 

But my ex asked me not to cut his hair, and I agreed, no problem. Ex asked me to agree that we'd both take our child to a hairdresser we know and like. I said that's fine.

 

Not 2 weeks later, ex's mom cut our son's hair. Then she did it again, and a third time. Each time, I complimented the haircut in a polite, positive way to her.

 

Each time, she denied cutting it, and so did my ex. It's very obvious, almost comically so.

 

I am inclined to ignore a stupid issue like hair. But it bugs me bc of ex's and his family's power struggles. And also his hair looks pretty different than I'd like, so it's like my ex has stamped his name on child's forehead. Is it important to nip this crap in the bud now? Or can joint custody still work? If all they're going to do is control my kid's hair, I'd rather not make an issue out of it.

 

Part of this is me regretting that I ever settled for joint custody with this person. I thought that would make it more likely he, the father, would stay in my son's life as they were bonded (ex has skipped out on a kid before, was deadbeat dad after losing custody). I wasn't wrong about that-- ex is still in the picture a lot more than he would be (partly, he doesn't want to lose the child support payments and partly, the father-son bond is growing). But at what cost.

 

Do these piddly control issues fade away? Ex's family is all about drama and control. But on the other hand, I am the far more organized, I'm way more likely to get son's school/lessons/ et c set up and paid for. And I think ex and I agree so far on school, religion, medical decisions anyway.

 

My dad predicts that ex will fade away when our son starts school. Ex is self-absorbed and really into time-consuming hobbies, plus excessive sleep, he won't want to put time and energy into school stuff (including getting our kid there in the morning).

 

For now I'm documenting the actual parenting time/expense, and am getting along with ex while trying to have as much space from him as possible. I figured I'd wait at least a year or two, and then, if co-parenting isn't going well for our child, I'll be in a better position to know what to do and I'll have better perspective by then.

 

But I cannot help but feel like I am repeating the old, passive, give-in-to-the-crazy-manipulator ways, and am screwing myself and my son by avoiding dealing with it. Am I?

[Mr. Lucky]

What would be your reaction if ex stated a dislike for a haircut you'd gotten your son?

 

Mr. Lucky

[jakrbbt]

What would be your reaction if ex stated a dislike for a haircut you'd gotten your son?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I'd apologize right away, and I'd agree to get his hair cut by the hairdresser who does both ex's and my hair. And I'd suggest giving him a haircut like daddy's, because my ex has a pretty good haircut right now and the exact same hair-growth pattern as our son. It seems my ex would like that, anyway.

 

Then if he didn't agree to it, I'd say, "let's alternate haircuts, and just agree no one gives him a buzz cut." (Ex dislikes buzz cuts anyway.) Not that my ex would agree to that. He'd just say something vague that implies that the hair is his purview somehow. He postures a lot in those ways.

 

I can also think of it this way: Grandma spends time and effort caring for him, she might as well have the pleasure of cutting his hair the way she likes sometimes, and showing him off. I think that's sweet.

 

It's really the lying about it that makes me uneasy. What will they do, and lie about, next? And the behavior where my ex asks me to agree to something, and I do, and then he violates the agreement and lies about it. Is this a sign of things to come?

[Mr. Lucky]

Jakrbbt, the level of minutiae you consider would exhaust me and I'd guess, over time, you too.

 

Successful co-parenting is about both picking your battles and allowing for differences in style that grow more pronounced over time.

 

IMHO, your focus should be on the best guidance and interaction you can provide your son in his time with you. Absent some threat to your child's well being, let the analytical consideration of what happens at Dad's house go. Your impact on your boy will be more pronounced since -

 

- you have him most of the time

- you're the more effective parent

 

Give more consideration to the effect you have and less to the items out of your control. Long term, all 3 of you will be happier...

 

Mr. Lucky

[jakrbbt]

Thanks Mr. Lucky, it's a relief to hear your perspective on this.

 

I feel I used to let all the small stuff go, and even some of the big stuff, in my relationship with ex. Then I ended up in a very bad place with him.

 

I guess I've gone from zero to sixty in an attempt to avoid letting stuff get out of hand. Or at least, worried from zero to sixty.

 

But: Probably the most effective thing I've done in my relationship with ex, is to divorce him.

 

Can it be true that I no longer have to give a fig about my ex's power struggles, but can just focus on raising my son, and deal with ex only when big-picture risk to child is present?

 

Maybe I need to see my therapist about how to stop worrying about this stuff like a nervous person being pursued by shadows.

[SoleMate]

Unless the haircut is truly freakish AND causing the child to suffer, I'd let it go. (And I have done so.....my ex H shaved, yes, SHAVED, the beautiful long hair of my 14 year old daughter. She appeared to acquiesce. This was portrayed as a fashion statement.)

[Mr. Lucky]

But: Probably the most effective thing I've done in my relationship with ex, is to divorce him.

 

Can it be true that I no longer have to give a fig about my ex's power struggles, but can just focus on raising my son, and deal with ex only when big-picture risk to child is present?

 

Maybe I need to see my therapist about how to stop worrying about this stuff like a nervous person being pursued by shadows.

 

Divorcing your ex certainly a way of letting go .

 

You'll get there and be better for it. Just don't allow yourself to get bogged down, that lets the bad guys win...

 

Mr. Lucky

[starglider]

Hi jakrbbt,

 

Your instincts to let this one slide seem right on to me. You don't know the full story of the haircut too - is it possible that they took him to the professional cutter and then your mother-in-law did her own "fix" or modification of the cut. I sure do this myself on my own hair! Whatever the back story is, it does seem odd, but hopefully this is a small sticking point.

 

Of the divorced families I know that are navigating the co-parenting world where there are different parenting styles/levels of responsibility, the most successful ones seem to be the cases when each parent can detach, to a degree, when the child is at the other's home. They find a way to trust their former partner as a co-parent, even though they had lost trust in that person as a spouse.

 

Good luck. I hope he rises to the occasion.

[loveboid]

People with controlling behavior get worse when they're stressed. It really has nothing to do with you and your behavior. Their controlling behavior could get worse or not depending on the stress in their lives moment by moment.

 

Controlling people secretly want others to take over the job for them because they are too stressed. So I would just get his hair cut myself and do as much as I can myself even if they're supposed to do it. They might token complain and then accept it.

 

The best strategy is stay away from controlling people. Their stress adds to your stress.