Can second Chances Work?

[Summerrose2013]

So my ex broke my heart...the usual....I got over him, made a good life, New friends, hobbies etc and now a year later, he wants me back.

 

I enjoy being with him, we've met a few times and talked a lot.

 

Problem is, how do you ever trust them not to do it again? The RS currently doesn't stand a chance because I just keep thinking he'll let me down again. He says he loves me, wants a future etc etc but in my head I'm thinking "well you told me all this last time and you still left me at the first sign of the issues we faced" - issues which are almost certainly going to come up again.

 

When I'm with him I enjoy his company but I just spent a year getting over him. I focussed on all the bad stuff to get me over him and now that is all in my mind.

I dated other men this last year but nothing serious and no one I really liked.

 

How can you ever trust? I can forgive but not forget. I'd love to hear from anyone who has been through this.

[Ruby65]

Sure second chances can work!

 

But a lot depends on the reason for the breakup. What reason did he give you for ending it?

[StrangerThanFiction]

So my ex broke my heart...the usual....I got over him, made a good life, New friends, hobbies etc and now a year later, he wants me back.

 

I enjoy being with him, we've met a few times and talked a lot.

 

Problem is, how do you ever trust them not to do it again? The RS currently doesn't stand a chance because I just keep thinking he'll let me down again. He says he loves me, wants a future etc etc but in my head I'm thinking "well you told me all this last time and you still left me at the first sign of the issues we faced" - issues which are almost certainly going to come up again.

 

When I'm with him I enjoy his company but I just spent a year getting over him. I focussed on all the bad stuff to get me over him and now that is all in my mind.

I dated other men this last year but nothing serious and no one I really liked.

 

How can you ever trust? I can forgive but not forget. I'd love to hear from anyone who has been through this.

 

In my experience they usually don't. The reason being that the issues that broke you up in the first place usually raise their ugly heads again unless you can really resolve them. Things may be great for a month or so as you guys are back on your best behaviour, but once one or both people get comfortable again you go back into the same rut as you were when you broke up.

 

I'm not saying don't do it but you have to decide if the gamble is worth giving up all the progress you made over the past year for potentially having your heart broken all over again. You've mentioned trust issues with this dude. Those are super hard to resolve usually and can take a monumental amount of work to do so with no guarantee that anything will actually change. It's a really tough call to make, I know, but IMO I think you should continue on as you have been and keep making your life even better without him. Best of luck in whatever you decide to do

[Mrlonelyone]

As others have said second chances can work but for them to work both people have to be willing to work on the issues that lead to the break up in the first place. If you really want to be systematic about it you could try couples counseling.

 

Can second chances work. My parents are the prime example of one working. Together for about 20 years, big break in the mid 90's moved cities, little to no contact, dated other people.... Now 20 years after making up they are as strong as any old married couple.

 

 

Second chances can work but they take work you both have to be willing to do the work.

[lemoncello]

My experiences with second chances is that they don't work.

 

OP, sounds like the year apart changed the way your boyfriend acts? If you're willing to give your ex a second chance, that means not holding his past over his head as punishment.

 

You need to forgive him and be willing to own your part of the breakup because it takes two people to destroy a relationship.

 

If you can't admit to your own faults and how you contributed to the breakup, then no, I don't think a second chance with your ex will work.

[forumman83]

Sounds like he's the type of guy that is a bit immature and doesn't know what he wants. He might get you back and immediately start thinking he can do better. I used to be like this myself so I know how it is.

 

Unless he's done some serious growing up in the last year (which I doubt he has) then you're probably barking up the wrong tree.

 

What were the "issues" that led to the original breakup?

[SLee]

I've seen several instances of it in my own life work. It only works if both parties have completely moved on from all the hurt.

 

It's complicated and tricky, and difficult, but it can be done.

 

I think if people heal from the past and genuinely want to work out their issues then it can. Often times, it ends up in disaster.

 

If you're still not healed or if you sense that he hasn't changed, then I wouldn't advise it.

[Summerrose2013]

He has changed, definitely, and so have I. He is doing the chasing now.

 

 

Break up issues - distance (2.5 hours drive) - his jealous kids and meddling ex, my pets (according to him, the reason we can't live together.) I think he is waiting for his kids to grow up and my pets to die (charming eh?). So 5-10 years....I'll be in my 50s by then!

 

 

I let him call all the shots before, I made all the effort, the sacrifices, but I won't now. I won't give up anything for him now because the trust is completely gone.

 

 

Have I healed? I thought I had but now when I see him and he talks about old issues, it all comes back to me and I feel sick.

 

 

I think the problem is that I don't know how he sees it being different this time. We have talked, but now I realise that it's not enough. I need to ask him outright, how he thinks it would be different this time. He hasn't given me any straight answers.

 

 

If I was to continue seeing him - as friends but a bit more (NOT sleeping with him), would it be bad if I dated other men too? Should I be up front with him? We only see each other at the moment every couple of weeks, and now, it wont be for another month, because he has the kids for holidays and I don't want any involvement with them at the moment. We need to work out US before we involve the kids this time (if there is a THIS TIME).

[Ruby65]

I'd say go ahead and date him if you want -- but yeah, definitely nothing exclusive! He's waiting a month until he sees you again? Really? You owe this guy nothing.

 

As for second chances working out... I'm an example of a successful reconciliation that lasted 18+ years, so I KNOW it happens!

 

As for this guy, with his ex and his kids, my question would be: how long has he been divorced?

 

This really matters in terms of how committed he really is to being with you... because I have to say, based on everything else you've shared, this guy is so not committed. Pets, kids, exes, distance -- these are things we all have to juggle when dating past a certain age. No big deal and certainly not a reason to jeopardize a relationship with someone you're in love with.

 

My take is he's either: (a) totally inexperienced at post-divorce dating or (b) still in love with his ex or © not that into you but would rather date you again than be alone.

 

Based on the information you've posted, that's my opinion anyway.

[Summerrose2013]

Thank you RUBY !

 

 

It is definitely (a) totally inexperienced at post-divorce dating. Well, I'm the one and only. We have mutual friends of old so I know this to be true.

 

 

The month break is because he has his kids for 3 weekends in a row. And that's another issue, I'm extremely nervous of having anything to do with them again now.

 

 

I think I need to get dating again, I don't want to just SETTLE for anything. I think this will also give me more perspective on the issues of dating at a 'certain age'.....

[No Limit]

It really depends on what it was that made the relationship die in the first place. If two had a great relationship but mutually broke up because one of them moved to the other side of the country, then moved back decades later - sure, give it a shot. But almost every other scenario I can imagine - no sir, it won't work. The old issues are sure to arise again, and if there was cheating and lies involved then there's no trust to begin with.

[Satu]

Sometimes, but the odds are against it.

[Lokin4AReason]

Nope, it usually will come up again and the past will poison the future along w/ the present

 

 

so, No ...

[Satu]

A second chance is what people ask for when they've just thrown away their last chance.

 

 

 

I'm joking, but its true sometimes.

[Cailinsona]

I can empathise as I've been through a similar second chance situation after we were apart for ten months.

 

I was very wary and regaining that trust is the most difficult hurdle to overcome.

 

It's been ten months now since he returned and things are going really great. I won't pretend that's it's easy, because it's certainly tough at times.

 

Only you can decide if it's worth risking your heart with him again.

 

Good luck whatever you decide!

 

Ps. I dated others whilst we were apart and in the early stages of reconciliation. It really helped me to clarify that I wanted to be with him. No one else came close

[Ruby65]

It is definitely (a) totally inexperienced at post-divorce dating. Well, I'm the one and only. We have mutual friends of old so I know this to be true.

 

Okay, so how long has he been divorced?

 

I'm telling you this based on my experience and on the experience of my friends who are also of a certain age, having been married and divorced with kids and dating now.....

 

You DON'T want to be this guy's first post-divorce girlfriend.

 

You DON'T want to be dating him if he's been divorced less than 1-1/2 to 2 years.

 

You're talking about people who are coming out of an extremely committed relationship that's gone a decade or longer. They can't HELP but have rebounds (well, they can but they usually choose not to.)

 

I'm almost certain that's what's going on with this guy and that you're a rebound. I can tell you based on my experience and on the experiences of my friends.... they don't stay with the rebound. They let you re-introduce them to the world of dating and relationships..... but then they dump you after a year or so when they're ready to cope with being single and dating again.

 

Just my opinion. This isn't gender specific, recently divorced women will often do the same thing. It's just human nature.

[Mrlonelyone]

The below is very possible.

 

I'm almost certain that's what's going on with this guy and that you're a rebound. I can tell you based on my experience and on the experiences of my friends.... they don't stay with the rebound. They let you re-introduce them to the world of dating and relationships..... but then they dump you after a year or so when they're ready to cope with being single and dating again.

 

 

In fact the first time around with him that's basically what happened isn't it.

 

The question for you OP is do you want to try again with this man and how hard are both of you willing to work for it.

[Summerrose2013]

Spoke with 'the ex' last night and tried to gently push him away....but the harder I pushed, the more things he offered to do to make amends and to make more of an effort this time....so that didn't go exactly as planned.

 

Have decided not to dwell on it for now - I've spent the last year forcing myself not to think about him, to work on my own life, and actually I'm pretty good at it now. I'll plan a fun few weekends of things to do with my friends and family. Everyone here told me at the beginning that actually this heartbreak could be the making of me, if I worked hard on myself, and I have to say that has been so true. Its been a really hard journey but I've definitely come out the other side now.

 

Whatever does or doesn't happen with this ex, I have learned BIG lessons and I will NEVER let anyone crush me like he did again.

 

- Don't overinvest your life and happiness in ONE person.

- Keep your own life and friends as your priority until the man has proved himself beyond doubt - and actually, even after that!

- Take care of your mental and physical health and keep your own space - if you are on your own again then in the future, it wont be such a shock to your system

- People are always telling you how they feel about you by their ACTIONS - LISTEN!!!

- If you aren't sure how your partner feels about you, don't force things - step back and give them space to SHOW you. And if he doesn't, stop making excuses for him and MOVE ON.

- If it's important to him, he'll find a way, if not, he'll find an excuse

 

We all need to learn to forget the past, forgive ourselves and being again RIGHT NOW.

[Ruby65]

So it sounds like you're going to distract yourself with pleasurable activities the next three weeks until you can see him again?

 

Be careful not to get so ZEN about this situation that you let yourself become the passive victim of someone who sees you as a Plan B.

[Mrlonelyone]

- Don't overinvest your life and happiness in ONE person.

- Keep your own life and friends as your priority until the man has proved himself beyond doubt - and actually, even after that!

- Take care of your mental and physical health and keep your own space - if you are on your own again then in the future, it wont be such a shock to your system

- People are always telling you how they feel about you by their ACTIONS - LISTEN!!!

- If you aren't sure how your partner feels about you, don't force things - step back and give them space to SHOW you. And if he doesn't, stop making excuses for him and MOVE ON.

- If it's important to him, he'll find a way, if not, he'll find an excuse

 

We all need to learn to forget the past, forgive ourselves and being again RIGHT NOW.

 

The one thing I want to caution you about is that last lesson. That he will find a way no matter what. That way for him to find is partially up to you. You are the decider.

 

Right now while you are not invested ask yourself this question. What do I need from him to cause me to open the door and start over? Is what I want reasonable?

 

 

 

So it sounds like you're going to distract yourself with pleasurable activities the next three weeks until you can see him again?

 

Be careful not to get so ZEN about this situation that you let yourself become the passive victim of someone who sees you as a Plan B.

 

 

Yes the OP should not let herself become a place holder there to make her EX feel comfortable while he looks for a better deal. This is why the OP needs to be very clear about the reasons for the break up and the reasons he wants to come back.

[Ruby65]

Yes the OP should not let herself become a place holder there to make her EX feel comfortable while he looks for a better deal. This is why the OP needs to be very clear about the reasons for the break up and the reasons he wants to come back.

 

Yes, the problem is, when someone is using you as a rebound/Plan B.... they won't tell you this is the case.

 

I'm sure her ex is making very persuasive arguments right now... just like he rationalized in the past treating her as a Plan B and denying she was just a rebound. He's likely unaware himself he sees her as a Plan B or rebound.

 

Still, that's what his actions have shown in the past -- and I don't see how going a year without contact has changed his perceptions.

[elaine567]

Break up issues - distance (2.5 hours drive) - his jealous kids and meddling ex, my pets.

 

 

OK, so what has really changed?

I guess 2.5 hours distance hasn't and pets, kids and meddling ex are still around.

[Ruby65]

OK, so what has really changed?

I guess 2.5 hours distance hasn't and pets, kids and meddling ex are still around.

 

I'm guessing the only thing that's changed is that whoever he's been trying to date this past year hasn't worked out, and he's become nostalgic for the OP who he now realizes he never fully appreciated when he had her the first time around.

 

The problem is, once he's got her, he'll probably fall right back into not appreciating her again.

[Mrlonelyone]

I'm guessing the only thing that's changed is that whoever he's been trying to date this past year hasn't worked out, and he's become nostalgic for the OP who he now realizes he never fully appreciated when he had her the first time around.

 

The problem is, once he's got her, he'll probably fall right back into not appreciating her again.

 

That a person we date can change their mind is always a possibility. Heck marriage has a divorce 50/50 or at best 60/40 chance of survival for 10 years.

 

There is always a risk.

[Ruby65]

That a person we date can change their mind is always a possibility. Heck marriage has a divorce 50/50 or at best 60/40 chance of survival for 10 years.

 

There is always a risk.

 

Once someone has used you as a rebound, it's very rare that they suddenly stop seeing you that way. This has nothing to do with being married and getting a divorce or what the divorce rates are.

 

This is about someone who's dating you but is only using you as a rebound to recover from their divorce.