Choosing between love internationally?

[Dav]

I googled this website in the hope that I can receive some advice on my predicament, it has been eating at me for the past six years. And as i am emtionally involved i can no longer just step back and decide between black and white. I just dont know what to do!!! And not only am i going crazy but i know the people around me are as well.

 

 

The only way i can state my dilema is by telling you what happened from the beggining. I do apologise about the length but i cant seem to get to the core of my problem, there are so many issues to deal with that the only way to express them are through the truth. And why the whole story? Because its a good story and because when i ask for advice if they dont know the whole story than i make up reasons for both choses and just get more confused.

 

 

Firstly a summary for those that dont wish or have the time to hear it? Two girls, i must choose one love. One is an internet love of 6 years and the other is a physical love of 2 years. The internet (Canadian) is intellectual, kind hearted, and dances for Chicago Westend. The physical is (German) adventurous, same religion, same culture and have a real physical chemistry. I have not met the Internet one yet which stops me form loving the German gal as i dont know what my first love may bring (Canadian). The Canadian has cancer and is ill in London while the German gal is angry at me and flirting with others as i have not made a choice between the two loves of my life! How do i choose?

 

 

Here is my story:

 

 

At the age of 19, about 6 years ago. I met a girl on the internet, she was Canadian/Sicillian studying in Canada, I was based in Melbourne Australia. I was born in Poland and immigrated to Australia at the age of 1. We exchanged photos immediately and to be totally honest, she was great, brunette, big smile, happy as can be. I can honestly say that i fell in love with her (i should mention that i am a bloke). And i pursued her as best as i could considering the distance and the circumstances, we developed an internet relationship! Although i was skeptical at these, and perhaps my imagination got the beneit of me we continnued this relationship and planned to met in Canada.

 

 

All was well and then i found out that she had Cancer! I was horrified at the news, i wanted to fly there immediatly but she told me that she was in good hands and that it would be best that i stay away. So i obliged. She was in for a few months with chemotherapy and i did the best i could to be there for her over the net, yes i know all i could really do is email her hugs!

 

 

We broke up, mostly because i couldnt handle the fact that she had cancer and to be honest i thought she would die. I look back know and it was a very selfish stance that i took. She of course survived, and dated a number of guys. All the people she met she couldnt hold a long enough relationship due to her feelings towards me, of coursethis was vice versa. We always kept in touch and i kept a special place in my heart towards her. Whenever we talked or chatted on the phone i would be content and happy.

 

 

Over the years we got back together and broke up a number of times as relationships go, and the stress/frustration especially without physicall contact or the small things that many take for granted in a physicall relationship. Such things as dinner or lunch, talking all night till the sunrises, watching an electrical storm over the ocean... even more simpler pleasures. We tried to meet internationally but every time we did something seemed to occur that hindered us. Ultimately i undertook a Masters post graduate degree in Entrepreneurship and Innovation, it took me two years to complete and opened my eyes to Entrepreneurship. As a dreamer, i have devoted my life to the challenge of entrepreneurship and the creation of value and jobs to the larger community.

 

 

This course took up a lot of my time, and did not care so much for her as i would have liked. My challenge of entrepreneurship became my driver and ambition. I was planning to fly to Canada to met her but halway through the course my grandmother in Poland became ill, so i flew out there instead, arriving in Poland for the first time since my immigration. I met my grandmother in Hospital on her death bed. It was a complete shock to me and i had realised that i did not know a whole side to myself, i lost a lot of my heritage, history and culture in the immigration. It felt odd but i found my second home there.

 

 

So the predicament arises, my auntie in Poland, bless her heart. Heart drove me to Germany to a family freind, they had kids a couple of years younger than myself. I hated her from the beggining, but i was drawn to her and we spent a weekend hiking in the Black Forests of Germany, although i didnt like her at first she grew on me, a lot. I didnt keep in contact with the Canadian girl at this stage. I kept travelling leaving the German girl and hitched to the UK. Where i spent NYE on a ship of all places and I called the German girl at NYE at midnight at which time I had no idea, but i promised that i would met her in Poland!!! She threw me a party on NYE expecting me to be there. I called her and she was disapponinted that i was still in the UK on a ship rather than there with her.

 

 

I flew to her after that and we got a car and drove all over Poland for two weeks together. She than had to go home back to school, i stayed in Poland for my grandma who mind you after a triple by pass surgery was recovering. At the border we kissed passionatley and i sent her off (due to VISA's) it was like an old romantic war film in Europe. She was great i loved her. My grandmother told me that she was a great gal, she practically raised her herself. Which i might add angered (more jealousy i guess) me as i didnt have a grandmother in Australia. The german girl was born in Poland just as myself and at a young age immigrated with her parents. My parents and her parents shared a lot of history in this small town and even shared the same Christian religion.

 

 

When i was in Poland she missed me and on her 20th birthday drove all night from Germany to see and be with me in Poland. Subsequently we spent a lot of time together in Europe and she came out to Australia upon my return and i showed her the whole East coast (and there is a lot of it!!!). We broke up after the Australian trip for two reasons... the first is Entrepreneurship, i thought at the time that she would get in the way and i couldnt put in 16 hour days to get a business off the ground (ok i know now that this was a follish thought) i was focused to be succesful at Entrepreneurship having done a Masters in it than the best way to test the theory is to do it. The second reason was the Canadian girl, i still had a place in my heart for her. I know, but the problem was that i had not met her yet and thought that she still may be the one, how can i just drop my first love when i still had not met her? Complicated.

 

 

I got in touch with the Canadian girl, she was suppose to move to Australia after her course but couldnt get a working VISA so she moved to London. She teaches autistic and special needs children (she has a lind and loving heart) and she also danced for Chicago at WestEnd!!! She completed a double degree and was smart, fit and warm hearted. Whereas the German girl had the same culture, family history, religion.

 

 

The predicament does not end there, me and the German girl are just freinds. Although we spent a lot of time together (3 months over 2 years sparatically) it does not amount to the time i spent with Canadian girl 6 years, although it was only over the internet. It was time to met, i was to fly to London and meet her. Tragedy, her father dies and she goes to Canada while im in London!!! What to do, i flew back home due to entrepreneurial pressures. Then we were ment to meet again in London, however this time she falls ill to cancer again and has been in hospital in and out for the last 8 months and its not looking good.

 

 

Meanwhile i get news from my family in Poland that the German girl loves me and is ill in hosptial from the breakup (pneumonia) due to over work and low moral apparently. We stay freinds although i miss her. See the problem is that they are both different international relationships, one is over the internet alough we have tried to meet on a dozen occasions over the years, comething always comes up... but its my first love and i want to meet her!!! Then the second is a real physical relationship where i had the opportunity to live and love with a person of a similar background.

 

 

I just got off the phone to the German girl, i havent heard from the Canadian girl for a month now, but he German girl has been on a few dates with other people and is pretty much over me. I have an outside chance, i can marry this gal if i can decide she is the one, but the problem is i will never know until i meet the Canadian girl who has been romantically haunting me for voer six years now.

 

 

I feel i should be in London with the Canadian girl but she doesnt want me there while she is sick. And not hearing from her and hearing from my family about the German girl makes my heart fond of the German girl!!! I have a real history with the German girl and the Candian girl could just be my imagination (imagination first love). The Canadian girl is smart and intellectually stimulating, whereas the German girl is funny and adventurous. To be honest i would marry both of them, however this is selfish and i feel i can no longer be torn between two. I need to make a choice and yet i cant?

 

 

What to do?

 

Apologise for the rambling but i am on my third bottle of wine

[SoleMate]

Welll....how can I break this to you....

 

In all likelihood, and I do mean 99.993%, if you have never met the Canadian "girl" face-to-face after 6 years, despite many plans and "missed" opportunities, it is virtually certain that she is not the person she has been claiming to be. Desperately ill women usually want their lovers closer, not farther away. The cancer story - and I am quite sure it is a complete fabrication - has just been used whenever necessary to sustain the "relationship" and prevent you from seeing "her" and finding out that she is not what she described. She may be much older, heavier, less attractive, not a dancer, not a teacher, married, involved with many other men (or women) IRL or on the Internet, and possible even male or gay. The only thing that we can be sure of is that this person is human and has access to the Internet...

 

...We tried to meet internationally but every time we did something seemed to occur that hindered us...

Just search on Loveshack and you will find several similar stories, where Internet "loves" will claim a long string of serious illnesses, car crashes, disaster and destruction up the wahoo just to forestall that real life meeting.

 

When you really put pressure on the "Canadian girl" to meet you, she will evaporate. I think you have some growing up to do before you pledge yourself to any woman. Good luck!

[moimeme]

You haven't even spoken to 'Canadian girl'? In six years?

 

And both of you have travelled extensively but not to where each other lives?

 

I think at base you really don't want a relationship with her. Or else she doesn't want one with you. I'm with SoleMate on that.

 

I think you've constructed a nice, safe fantasy life for yourself - maybe as an escape from real life? You need to do a lot of thinking about this whole situation. Call the 'Canadian girl's bluff and go see her. There can't be that many hospitals in London. Call them all and find her and then, if she's really there, go see her. I'm guessing, however, that there will be no girl to see.

[Dav]

WOW thats a shock... why would people manipulate something like that? Logically it can make sense, emotionally it doesnt.

 

I agree i do need to grow up, i have been focusing on other parts of my life for too long and have used the internet for an emotional fix. However i never speak to Candaian girl online anymore, i always call her, although she only gives me her cell/mobile number!!! And she does sound Canadian. I have always questioned her trust though and have caught her lying a number of occasions, but i cant understand how someone can live a lie for soo long.

 

I have never been very good at relationships, looking at it objectively i may have created a fantasy life.

 

Yes we both have travelled extensively and i am abroad at least twice a year.... but have never travelled to Canada or her to Australia

 

I will call her bluff one last time, im in India in June ill fly to see her in London straight after.

 

This has been very humbling, I thank you both for your thoughts

 

I need to make some fundamental changes in my personal life

[moimeme]

WOW thats a shock... why would people manipulate something like that? Logically it can make sense, emotionally it doesnt.

 

It does if you're dysfunctional.

 

I have always questioned her trust though and have caught her lying a number of occasions

 

Oh dear. Not good at all.

 

but i cant understand how someone can live a lie for soo long.

 

That would be due to chronic dysfunction.

 

Yes we both have travelled extensively and i am abroad at least twice a year.... but have never travelled to Canada or her to Australia

 

Canada's wonderful. You should have visited

 

I will call her bluff one last time, im in India in June ill fly to see her in London straight after.

 

Good idea. If this is a hoax, it's time to end it so you can move on. Good luck! Maybe you'll come back and tell us what happened!

[Dav]

I couldnt sleep at all last night

 

I'v decided im going to sort this out once and for all, im rescheduling the next two weeks as we speak and am booking a flight at lastminute.com to Europe, im leaving in three days

 

Im going to Germany to apologise in person and set things right, i have been living a dream that has slowly been choking my heart. I dont know if i have been living in la la land but the Canadian girl has got to go, i dont know what love is but i do know that 6 years of talk is just talk.

 

So ive decided im off to Germany, i will pop by London and try and say hi and a short goodbye to the Canadian girl. I know if i do find her i will will be slapped by her...

 

Should i tell the German girl? Or should i surprise her?

 

Oh yeah Canada, its definately up there on my travel list I have been to New Zealand and it was beautiful, they say its a a little Canada So i cant wait to visit, or perhaps even live there for a year or two

[tokyo]

Just some posts make you change your mind about the Canadian girl? You obviously are not very sure what you want and your opinions about people are also wavering a lot. I'm not saying that the other posters are right, they might, but before I would cut my ties with the Canadian girl I would meet her and see how she is for real, thus avoiding any questions and doubts in the future if this was the right decision or no.

 

If you meet her, you can at least make a more balanced comparison between the two of them, they would be both real persons that you can talk to.

 

Other than this, I find you a bit irrealistic. as a whole. You should go out more.

[Dav]

Not just the posts, i have been thinking a lot about this and have created a rather extensive list of all the pros and cons of the whole situation and my life in general and where it is heading. Have also spent a lot with family and freinds talking this through over the past 24 hours.

 

Canadian girl, many issues to deal with when i met her if i find her, it wont be all rosy... for example she dances for the show Chicago, when i was in London i saw the show and dropped her name, nobody had heard of her?

 

I agree about the balanced decision, by meeting them both. Currently German girl is winning the race logically, i will be in London from the 28th to the 30th or so to track her down. If i cant than what do i do?!?!? I cant just wait another 6 years. I need to make a choice about these girls it isn't healthy.

 

I have known German girl for two years and have spent some great times with her, she is a fantastic lass. I met her by chance while hitch hiking through Europe and have seen her over the last two years internationally on average three times a year. The only reason why i havent made it any more serious is that Canadian girl has been ropping me along and i cant seem to meet her to make a decision about her. She does these disapearing acts every few months, i can get in touch with her then all of a sudden i cant. Its insane

 

Irrealistic!?!? Not sure what that means, but i travel a lot and go out as an expat almost every night when im back at home i detox and become a workaholic its not a very balanced lifestyle i know. All i know is that all the people i have met in this world only one has caught my eye and i am going to apologise to her and tell her the truth (German gal). I am also going to try and meet the infamous Canadian gal and finally get to the bottom of it all... if i find her, if i dont than thats that.

 

I dont know weather i should use a private detective though? Its a bit creepy... All i know is that she lives in Wimbledon. And is in and out of hospitals...

 

 

Yeah i know, im an odd fella and i do things in an odd manor

[tokyo]

Originally posted by Dav

Yeah i know, im an odd fella and i do things in an odd manor

That's ok, I'm a bit odd, too, I guess.

 

I just saw so much going back and forth without ever reaching any solutions in all this time therefore I was wondering if you were not afraid of having a relationship with a real woman and therefore clung so much to this internet love. It seems strange to me that after giving the Canadian girl so much importance you are willing to let her go so easily as I assume there must be strong feelings involved if you can sustain so much affection for her over such a long time without a real physical contact. It doesn't have to be about getting into the sack together, but I mean, just a simple meeting to verify that this person is real and breathing.

 

I have a pen pal of five years and I also have never met him in person, we write emails and sometimes talk on the phone. I know he's real, but I'm also not in love with him. If I was, I'd love to meet him, just to see how he speaks, how he walks, how he looks like. And before giving him up for someone else, I'd try to meet him and find out how he really is. I wouldn't stop and mind any effort till I finally did. That's what people do when they are in love. I'm not in love with him though and he will never be able to compete with a guy that I know in real life and that I like.

 

For me it's a question of either-or. Either you are in love with the Canadian girl and then you would have to make every effort to finally meet her or you are not, but then I don't understand what this fussing about her and the German girl is all about.

[RecordProducer]

Dav, sorry, but you seem like a very unserious person to me. You never met the Canadian girl then you ditched her when you found out she had cancer. Then you dump the German girl because of your master's degree?!

You love two women who you keep letting down. I don't see your true love for them.

Well the German girl is pretty much over you as you said. So the only thing you can do is fly to meet the Canadian girl in London and see how you two feel in person.

[Dav]

Well penpals is a similar circumstance, i dont know why i feel for her the way i did. And yes it is a long time, but over the time she has dated other people as have i and soemtimes we wouldnt speak for a year. I guess we both live different lives and are ambitious and focused on our own sucess that contributed to missing each other internationally and not seeing each other.

 

Perhaps love is the wrong word? Define love? There are so many variations and when mixed in with imperfect people and circumstances anything can happen over any period of time.

 

Well two years ago when i was in Europe i was supposed to meet the Canadian girl finally (who was in London) then two days before i flew in i got a message that she was back in Canada because her father died. I wanted to fly to Canada to be there for her but she didnt want me there!! I was really pissed off, i sat in London for a whole week steaming!!! Vowed it was over so i set off throughout Europe and met German gal. So i hung out with her and she subsequently came out to Australia after my Masters, and we hung out here for a while. All we did was travel in a VW combi around Australia, after a while i wanted to get back to work and she wanted to go back to Europe, i had to stay here and so we broke up... then Canadian girl came back into the picture and wanted me to move to London.

 

ok

 

Unserious person allegation... not really, i did ditch the Canadian gal because she had cancer and it was a very rough thing to do. That was five years ago though and have patched things up since then. I see why you are confused, it is a bloody long story and can get rather complicated. Most of all i have realised that i was too selfish ooooo

 

I will be back in to finish this post in 10 minutes.. i just got a sms from German gal, she is at a petrol station on the Autobahn driving back from Poland as i type Im going to call her tell her im coming to Germany for a few weeks to talk

[Dav]

Ok just got off the phone to German gal she will pick me up from the Airport in Frankfurt this coming Saturday. She has a spare bedroom and said i can stay as long as i like. But if things dont work out than im on the street so to speak. We will talk things out.

 

I have tried to call Canadian gal but her phone is off!!! Bloody typical

 

ok

 

True love and letting them down. Hhmmm well true love is hard to define from my perspective, i beleive that it takes a long time to develop a relationship and i think that you need more than just emails and a few phone calls to develop it... finally i learnt that.

 

I actually came up with a formula for love and i welcome feedback for it:

 

Love = Time + Experiances

 

Let me explain, the longer you are with someone the stronger your bond and relationship. The cornerstone of this formula is growth, growth is gaineed through experiances, spending so much time with people you face new challanges weather good or bad, by sticking together and working it out you grow together strengthening the relationship. For example lets say that you go sky diving for the first time with someone, its a new experiance and by doing it together you both have acheived something and that experiance has created a memory and by sharing that new experiances you have strengthened the relationship. I always get: what about love at first sight? what about chemsitry? Love at first i think is more lust at first sight. Chemistry well you wouldnt be in a realtionship with someone if you didnt have chemistry or something in common.

 

Letting them down, well im a bloke and we can be selfish sometimes. Yes there are other things in our lives apart from woman and these things can have a large affect on our lives.

 

 

The reality is that i have placed myself in a dillema and i am trying to work it out for the better, for all parties invloved

[Daisydoodles]

She's Canadian by the way -- hope it isn't your Canadian...

 

For some time before they split up, she had online chatroom relationships. He found a photo on her computer, of a man she met online. (We think she may have given a picture of someone other than herself to the man, because she was quite a bit older, and seriously overweight.) He also found a prepaid chip for her cellphone that she kept hidden -- I suppose to phone computer man.

 

It might be your girl is for real -- but it could also be she's like my husband's first wife.

 

Internet is a scary place to find love.