4 years on,frustrations.Anyone else back together?

[anotherperson78]

Hello all, Here is my story

 

Been with w almost 17 married 13 years

2 children

 

 

w had p.a,5 months,caught red handed.

seperated, she would not speak about it.I found the nasty details off o.m

 

It all happened back in 2010 and we got back together late 2011.

 

Four years on I still have so many frustrations.

She is not one for opening up and I have said that is the only way we can truly move forward together.

Why does she just think it will go away.I feel she is still protecting herself.

 

A major thing that gets to me is when we are invited to her friends events,especially weddings! They knew about the A and now they want us to attend weddings etc.That just feels awkward and I feel I cannot attend, on the other hand if I am still with her why not go!?

 

I feel in limbo.

I can't leave as it would break the kids again.

They have been through it before.

 

I have been too patient,I feel I am at my limit.

I know I will be the one to suffer regarding seeing children,housing etc.I have been through it all when this was exposed.

 

Anyone else back with spouse after an affair? How do you handle social events etc?

 

Many thanks for reading

[No Limit]

Yes, she is protecting herself. She wants to rugsweep everything and doesn't care how the affair affected you. Individual counseling and marriage counseling would be step #1, along with full transparency from her side - even 4 years later, whenever you want as it is HER who has to work for you to ever trust her again - and if she refuses to do anything divorce and stick to it.

[anotherperson78]

I am gradually changing.

I feel like I am finally waking up to this.

 

I am not worrying anymore if she isn't prepared to speak about her feelings.I surely deserve something after all she put me through.

 

She is expecting me to go along to her friends event next week.I simply can't do these things,I did try in the past.

It just seems a bit sick as they just remind me of that time as they knew.

 

To me they have all condoned adultery because they were well aware of it. Do they not realise the reality,now they are getting married and having children.

[No Limit]

If they were friends of the affair, they aren't friends of the marriage (of course, if there are males in that friend group she likely slept with them so it's only natural they'd cover for her). I'm really, really surprised you didn't run yet. There are no bundaries in your relationship at all.

 

You don't speak about her feelings. She was fine until you caught her. You talk about YOUR feelings, and what's on YOUR mind. You are waaaay too giving to be with an unloyal person; you give her a finger, she'll take your arm.

[anotherperson78]

Yes, you are right I have been way too giving.

It has been like that too long.

 

I am grateful for your thoughts.

It just eats away at you on a daily basis

as I am sure many people on ls are aware of.

 

I have often thought about leaving.

I just can't get seem to do it!

[anotherperson78]

Bad week.

I am tired of initiating conversation and her turning it against me.As if it is irrelevant!

I have lost count of how many times this has happened.

 

All I am trying to get across is that it is the only way we have a chance of a long term future,if we talk openly.

It's very repetitive really.I speak,she avoids, a few weeks go by and we get on.

Then the cycle continues!

 

Can anyone suggest something?

I am even thinking of trying to catch her out.

(I was thinking of emailing as if the o.m?! to see if she responded or if she would tell me) Probably a stupid idea.

 

I just want to know her true feelings as I think she will never open up.

[No Limit]

Well, you could try marriage counseling to get her to open up. But that's really your last option next to divorce. Don't try to pretend to be the OM or anything like that; if she won't speak to your face it's pointless. I doubt she is remorseful considering that she basically just wants you to shut up already.

[viciouscircle]

Bad week.

I am tired of initiating conversation and her turning it against me.As if it is irrelevant!

I have lost count of how many times this has happened.

 

All I am trying to get across is that it is the only way we have a chance of a long term future,if we talk openly.

It's very repetitive really.I speak,she avoids, a few weeks go by and we get on.

Then the cycle continues!

 

Can anyone suggest something?

I am even thinking of trying to catch her out.

(I was thinking of emailing as if the o.m?! to see if she responded or if she would tell me) Probably a stupid idea.

 

I just want to know her true feelings as I think she will never open up.

 

What she is doing has worked for years now. You have not left. She will avoid until she cant avoid and as much as I hate to say it filing for divorce may be the only action you take to force her hand.

[Akashsingh]

I am a man and I have been recently divorced. One thing I will tell you is, if the affair is over, you need to move on with your feelings. You made a decision to stay with her, no kids , no excuses, if you both are committed to it then work on it. Digging up past and bringing it up again will only cause past emotions to flair up. Humans do terrible things to humans. There is betrayal of trust. I understand and empathize your feelings, but, what exactly are you going to accomplish by her telling you everything? You will hate her even more. She knows this. Thats why she doesn't want to tell you anything. Let it go.

 

As for her friends, you dont need to see them if you are not comfortable meeting them. You can tell her, that you feel betrayed by her friends being part of her affair and you dont consider them to be your friends or friends of the marriage. So the only thing, thats really affecting your relationship , as it seems, from the past is her friends and your inability to let it go.

[anotherperson78]

After trying to speak to w again I believe this is truly going to end badly.

I am very sad to say this but I have worked so hard on it.

I do still love her and It will be so difficult but I believe this will make me ill if I don't take real action.

 

I see why she would not want to speak but it is plain obvious that is the only way forward and I have explained this.I have been a good husband and dad. I have always provided and I have also played the role of both parents many times.I have not spent much time away from the kids and ideally would like custody.

I should have done this at the beginning but I only ever wanted to see if we had a chance and to develop as a couple.

 

I do realise it can never be the same following A.

I also believe that with commitment from both people it can work out.That is the problem here, she is still so selfish that she is not prepared to budge.

 

I don't like the feeling of being low again.

I have been approaching life with a lot of optimism despite all that went on,Now it feels I am dipping again because this feels hopeless now.

 

I hate the fact that the kids have been through this.

I have had to move 4 times in the last 4 years,my son had to change school.We have had financial difficulties as a result of the A being exposed and her actions (or lack of them due to basically leaving me in the house to pay all bills etc)

 

I will update this whenever I can,bye for now

[loveboid]

Moving by itself is stressful. Keep taking care of yourself. Get daily sun, sleep, exercise and vegetables. It's amazing how these things can lift your spirits.

[anotherperson78]

Thanks loveboid

 

I hate discussing things when the kids are in but she seems to insist on raising her voice as if to attract the attention of them!

 

Apparently she "doesn't need me" or anyone else. I didn't get the chance to point out that she evidently needed the o.m as her actions after it was exposed suggested.

 

She also said that she's not the emotional type and doesn't need/want/have to open up.

 

Very Jekyll and Hyde it seems.

Exactly as she was back then.Well I know I really have to grow a pair now! The attitude after what we have all been through is unbelievable.I am glad the kids are a bit older and I have already been on my own at the start of all this for a while.Funnily enough it was only when I started dating someone that she was keen to have me back.

[KBarletta]

Thanks loveboid

 

I hate discussing things when the kids are in but she seems to insist on raising her voice as if to attract the attention of them!

 

Apparently she "doesn't need me" or anyone else. I didn't get the chance to point out that she evidently needed the o.m as her actions after it was exposed suggested.

 

She also said that she's not the emotional type and doesn't need/want/have to open up.

 

Very Jekyll and Hyde it seems.

Exactly as she was back then.Well I know I really have to grow a pair now! The attitude after what we have all been through is unbelievable.I am glad the kids are a bit older and I have already been on my own at the start of all this for a while.Funnily enough it was only when I started dating someone that she was keen to have me back.

 

Being "the emotional type" has nothing to do with communicating with your spouse. Communication is the only way a relationship moves forward. If she won't communicate, there is no relationship.

 

If you have any hope of this working, then you have to get her to marriage counseling. I would strongly suggest that to her. If she won't go, then I would start thinking about filing for divorce and moving on.

[deg20]

(I was thinking of emailing as if the o.m?! to see if she responded or if she would tell me) Probably a stupid idea

 

I did this right after separation, but did it in text form and it was a tricky plot, but it worked. Can't say yes or no to this, but it did reveal an awful lot to me about her character, what she did, and what she was doing...and how she felt about me, the marriage, etc.

 

 

If you orchestrate this, be prepared to what you may find. For me it was shocking, and most likely mentally damaging...but it made her leaving me that much easier to accept, and in the long run (now )...be thankful for!

[anotherperson78]

(I was thinking of emailing as if the o.m?! to see if she responded or if she would tell me) Probably a stupid idea

 

I did this right after separation, but did it in text form and it was a tricky plot, but it worked. Can't say yes or no to this, but it did reveal an awful lot to me about her character, what she did, and what she was doing...and how she felt about me, the marriage, etc.

 

 

If you orchestrate this, be prepared to what you may find. For me it was shocking, and most likely mentally damaging...but it made her leaving me that much easier to accept, and in the long run (now )...be thankful for!

 

Deg

I should have done this a while ago if ever.

I would be surprised if she did mention it, if done!

[LifeNomad]

when you all got back together was it you that begged her to come back? or her? or both? be honest...

 

 

You basically got to put your foot down but what is it that your frustrated about? you already know she had an affair, so maybe the details you want to know? like if she did anything physical? or if she still talks to him? or what exactly? or your still upset about it?

[anotherperson78]

Nomad

At the time I was set up in a new house.

It was killing me that the family was apart.

I did not beg and she did not beg either.

I moved into her place at her invitation.

I was getting on as best I could and working,looking after myself but I felt very lonely at that time.I was used to having her and the kids around, it was gut wrenching.

 

She actually left then came back just before Christmas and was keen on getting the house ready etc.Then 2 days after Christmas I caught her.The behaviour was so up and down it was literally changing every 15 minutes or so!!

 

My frustrations are as follows....

I think a good word is acknowledgement.

She has never sat down and discussed anything in any detail.I don't just mean the actual A.

I mean everything else that goes with it.The hardship it has created with finances,children knowing etc.

 

 

It's like she has erased it,but I have always said that it will come back if she cannot speak.She dismisses things so easily.For example I have mentioned things like counselling and support sites such as LS .It's like all that is irrelevant because it doesn't comply with her mindset.

[LifeNomad]

Def should have been discussed before trying to get back, closure is needed it seems.

 

It not gonna get any better.

 

i think u need to stand ur ground and fight for what ur heart tells u. Ur done with her walking over you, because thats what shes doing. If it was important to,her she would let you know, but she blows u off.

 

I went thru something similar mine didnt want to "debrief" as some call it and i knew i couldnt trust her if she didnt, i wish she wouldve tho, i was hoping she would, she didnt. i know if she loved me like she did once she wouldve done it. I can live happier knowing it was her who chose that and just hope nothing but love and happiness for her. Mind you this was after 13 yrs 3 kids together.

[anotherperson78]

Nomad

Sounds similar to my situation.

I'm not try to drag things up for you but do you still have contact with the kids?Did they find out about it?

Are you happier that she is not in your life?

 

With me,the kids had no choice due to the way it was exposed. She then basically went into hiding at her relatives house. That made getting answers very difficult at the early stages.

 

Since then it has only ever been me who has initiated conversation. Does the "needing to know" feeling ever go away even if you are no longer with them.

[LifeNomad]

kids don't really know whats up but I see them a few times a week and they stay over on weekend. Try to be a good dad. The beginning was very hard, everytime I dropped them off it felt like I was leaving my life behind and just returning in an empty body, being at home alone too was hard, seeing their toys left behind, its like they bring the house and their things to life when they are here and when they leave everything is nothing anymore.

 

 

Personal happiness I couldn't be better, except for the kids part, but I am happy, I mean we would argue and stuff a lot about it, but the kids still say things sometimes that tear me up inside.

 

 

Right now, the needing to know feeling is no longer there for me, but shes been gone almost 11 months, i truly wish her happiness and i hope whoever shes with treats her like she deserves.

 

 

her being happy and her making that choice is what allows me to be happy and live my life.

 

 

im not counting on us getting back, but if we ever did, trusting her would be so hard for me, I know the only way I could even attempt or try to work things out with her is if the other guy hates her, unless he hates her i wont even try. not hate out of spite, but hate her so that I know that theres a smaller chance of them starting to talk again secretly or texting or whatever it is they did. Otherwise i would feel like they are still secretly messaging or who knows what.

 

 

Anyways its a life decision you gotta make, good luck!