at a loss

[HAK]

After yrs of emotionally torchering each other and him turning to online satisfaction i gave up and put defense mode on to point of emotionally detaching myself. Having sex maybe 6 times in 2 yrs...came to realize i have depression going to counceling but now trying to fix the emotional termoil i bestowed on him. But he recently reconnected with an old friend though she lives in another state the emotional affair is there. Ive let her know i know and want it to stop as i want my marriage back and on new grounds of umderstanding that we have been married 15yrs and i miss us. But ive now been ignored all weekend. Hiw long do i let it go on before snapping. Im at a loss but realizing i let my past and depression into our marriage. We are scheduled for MC on tuesday but. Scared to death of what will be said.

[Popsicle]

He has not divorced you yet, so clearly he ain't gonna.

 

He probably never will divorce you whether he's having an A or not.

[sandylee1]

I hope it goes well and you can build a better marriage. It all depends how much you both want it.

 

Good luck

[Satu]

Focus on yourself and your own feelings.

 

Make peace with yourself.

 

Everything else depends on that.

[Phaux]

Hi Hak,

 

Depression is a very cruel and hard master, it's good to read that you are seeking counseling.

 

Snapping is never productive, though, while it is momentarily satisfying, it creates an environment of score keeping and a passive aggressive environment that can further erode trust, open communication and respect.

 

If you want to have a marriage based on the grounds of understanding, you first need to gain the tools to openly communicate that understanding. This is an essential skill that you have to learn as emotionally shutting out of your marriage or any other relationship will compound your sense of resentment.

 

I think that this is going to be one of the more difficult parts of your healing as it is much easier to stay silent after so many years of that conditioning regardless of its source. Try to keep in perspective that your voice and opinion matter in your partnership.

 

First things first, you must come to a personal choice on whether you can live in an open marriage with your husband. If the prospect of living in an open marriage is not something you can see yourself willingly entering in to, then you need to make an ultimatum and stick to it.

 

Ultimately this is a choice that only you can make, you know significantly more about your own situation and you will be the one that has to face your decision. I would urge you with the consideration of your depression that you should talk about this with your counselor, depression can alter your thought process.

 

Please keep us updated with the session today, I wish you the very best on your journey.

 

~Phaux

[HAK]

Hi Hak,

 

Depression is a very cruel and hard master, it's good to read that you are seeking counseling.

 

Snapping is never productive, though, while it is momentarily satisfying, it creates an environment of score keeping and a passive aggressive environment that can further erode trust, open communication and respect.

 

If you want to have a marriage based on the grounds of understanding, you first need to gain the tools to openly communicate that understanding. This is an essential skill that you have to learn as emotionally shutting out of your marriage or any other relationship will compound your sense of resentment.

 

I think that this is going to be one of the more difficult parts of your healing as it is much easier to stay silent after so many years of that conditioning regardless of its source. Try to keep in perspective that your voice and opinion matter in your partnership.

 

First things first, you must come to a personal choice on whether you can live in an open marriage with your husband. If the prospect of living in an open marriage is not something you can see yourself willingly entering in to, then you need to make an ultimatum and stick to it.

 

Ultimately this is a choice that only you can make, you know significantly more about your own situation and you will be the one that has to face your decision. I would urge you with the consideration of your depression that you should talk about this with your counselor, depression can alter your thought process.

 

Please keep us updated with the session today, I wish you the very best on your journey.

 

~Phaux

 

"Open Marriage" is NOT something at this time I can even imagine - I've NEVER gone outside of my marriage for anything - not even to talk to other "men" in my life about his needs/wants/desires "how to fix" etc. HE on the other hand looking back seems every 2yrs "goes outside our marriage / vows" and I'm starting to question WHY - counseling tonight is our "first" of prayerfully many together as well as individually -

 

I can only give it to God and ask that he heel's us or I don't know anymore.

[Phaux]

@Hak,

 

If you cannot stomach the thought of being in an open marriage, you will need to stand up and defend yourself, enough is enough. I say this because you are essentially in one.

 

By your account, your husband is a serial cheater, and will continue to cheat on you while there is no repercussions from those actions. Perhaps consider making that your first step, your husband breaking his vows every two years should not be acceptable to you. He needs to become transparent with this online friend or to break off that friendship, he shouldn't have anything to hide from you.

 

You deserve to know why your husband is unable to remain faithful to you and pursues other relationships. This information should dictate to you if your marriage is something that is or is not fixable.

 

Also, figure out what that “I don’t know anymore” is, it may be the reality of your situation.

 

~Phaux

[HAK]

Well 1.5 hrs with counselor. We gave background and current situation. He mentioned my always being negative and I mentioned his EA's ( i have never counted b4 and came to realize he's had 6 "online with random women" and now the "friendship" with the old female friend that he says "were just friends" but when i mentoned "i dont care if she finds out" he was quiet and when counselor mentioned that i see them as affairs he was quiet. We both have a LOT of personal heeling and so for now we will each go to therapy individually and if/when the counselor feels we are ready to work on us/marriage she will bring us back together. As she said "we show and are acting upon the 4 levels of destruction that usually send marriages to court, but with that said there is something there after 15yrs and for guy to be here we need to see if a new can begin" . Hearing how angry he is at himself for not speaking up earlier and how he "married" his mother i can understand the anger and resentment but im also seeing a side of him that has a lot of pent up anger towards his parents. As i said b4 i pray daily that we BOTH find heeling within ourselves to be healthy happy and strong to rebuild ourselves and a new stronger foundation in our marriage.

[Satu]

I really admire you for your determination to get some healing for you both. Things can and will improve, if you both want it.

 

You are now no longer 'at a loss,' because you are taking positive action, and have found a path to walk.

 

A bit of advice:

 

Take responsibility for your mistakes, but don't be hard on yourself. Notice your positive qualities and build on them, instead. Notice your husbands positive qualities too, and let him know that you can see them.

 

That's the foundation you can build on.

 

Keep on believing that progress is possible.

 

Keep on with the counselling and trust the process.

 

Here's a

for you, and here are the lyrics.

 

Love,

 

Satu.

[HAK]

Why do I feel he's checked out so far that he won't even want to try and work on us ~ received email today that pretty much said "I told you last night and I've always told you ~ you have a friend in me" and then goes on to say "I dont know if counseling is a good or bad thing yet but I also told you I would make sure YOU saw someone" HELLO what about you? what about YOUR inner demons and ISSUES - I'm not the one who sits on the computer or phone even when your wife and kids are home and talk smack with another FEMALE other than your wife - I swear I want to go out and find someone and just "talk" and see how HE likes it!!! I am so hurt but trying to get past that and be open and honest both with myself and him - but damn it - HE doesn't see HE is the one who pulls the damn TRIGGER!!! #(%U{#!)(%U Thank GOD we have individual counseling sessions next week - but for the mean time "bite my tongue" because of the kids - UGH

[HAK]

So I've had to step away for a few days to ask myself:

1. Is t really over from my point of you I STILL LOVE HIM AND WANT TO WORK ON OUR FUTURE - NOT JUST FOR THE SAKE OF SEEING HIM ETC - FOR THE SAKE I AM STILL MADLY IN LOVE WITH HIM AND REALIZING THAT I SHOULD NOT HAVE CONTINUED IN THE PATTERN I WAS - SLEEPING ON COUCH, IGNORING SUTTLE HINTS ETC.

2. Is it really over from his point of view: HE SAYS HE IS DEAD SET ON DIVORCING ME AND YET WE ARE STILL MOVING OUR FAMILY INTO THE NEW HOUSE (HAVE YET TO DISCUSS SLEEPING ARRANGEMENTS ETC) BUT SINCE HE CAME HOME FRIDAY WE'E TALKED OPENING ON A FEW SUBJECTS AND HAD A BOUT OF SCREAMING BUT CAME BACK DOWN IN TONE TO JUST TALKING. HE EVE MADE DINNER FOR ALL OF US LAST NIGHT.

3. So what came of the affair: IT STARTED APRIL 7TH VIA FB CHAT, THEN TO EMAILING EACH THEN TO TALKING ON THE PHONE TO HER DRIVING UP FROM ANOTHER STATE ABOUT 8HR DRIVE TO SEE HIM. AM I SICK OVER HER ACT AND HIS YES - HOWEVER HE STATES "WE DID NOT HAVE SEX I TOLD HER SHE IS SINGLE I AM NOT THEREFORE I CANT" DO I BELIEVE HIM - YES AND NO - BUT AT THE SAME TIME A FRIEND FOUND THEM I DROVE TO WHERE THEY WERE DROPPED OFF A BAG OF CLOTHES AND PERSONAL NEEDS TOOK OUR CAR AND DROVE AWAY. HE STATES SHE LEFT THE NEXMORNING YET HE STAYED 2 NIGHTS OUT HIS PARENTS BUT THEY WOULDN'T LET HIM SLEEP INSIDE SO HE SLEPT OUTSIDE. HE STATES HE CAME HOME TO GET MORE CLOTHES AND SHOWER - AND WASNT SURE WHERE HE WAS GOING TO GO STAY. I OFFERED THE OLIVE BRANCH WE WENT AND TALKED AT A COFFEE SHOP FOR 2 HRS AND THEN CAME HOME ORDERED PIZZA AND CONTINUED TO TALK FOR APPROX ANOTHER 4-6 HRS. HE DID SLEEP ON THE COUCH FRI NIGHT AND AGAIN LAST NIGHT, THEREFORE I'M SLEEP UPSTAIRS NOW AND HE'S ON THE COUCH.

 

 

I don't know where we stand - but a family member talked to him and then to me and from what I was told - he's "Dead set on the divorce" - therefore I can only work on myself and better myself, will he see the changes I am putting forth effort into myself for myself who knows - will we still be under 1 roof - yes - will he most likely continue the long distance emotional affair with the "old flame" most likely - but I can only worry about myself and my children right now - and if he chooses to except me for me and for my efforts of realizing I can see the positive in life and in general -- we shall see. But I can't make him change - I can't make him look inside himself and I can't keep putting myself in a slump. I pray everynight that we will find each other again and work on us - but I've also realized that right now he's in the game of chance and chase -

Chance - with us our marriage and working forward together

Chase - with the other girl who obviously was on a mission (mind you she is a divorcee herself - with 2 teenagers and I wonder what she would think if her children were in this situation - but I have to not worry about that either it was HER choice to try and sweep him off his feet - she was as my sister said "On a MISSION"

 

 

I can see many valleys and mountains over the last 15yrs but never have we been on the same page at the same time since the day we got married to work on our marriage to work on ourselves individually - should we put a time line on "trying" I don't know anymore as I am just at a loss -

 

 

I have seen some positive though in all of this:

In 1 way we will grow old together still because of our children - we will see each other from time to time - but what I will miss - is the sound of him, the presence of him, knowing I have him to confide in and talk to about work or life - watching him cook or bbq - yes everything in the bedroom and then some - I have screwed up and so has he I just wish we'd give us another chance.

[adna89]

Oh sorry you are going through this.But if he is not willing to work on this marriage then you have nothing more to do there.Work on you,not for him but for you-he will notice that believe me,it will probably bring back emotions for him

 

 

That woman is incredible,on a mission to steal a married man,wtf

Edited June 1, 2015 by adna89

[sandylee1]

I think you really need to accept that the marriage is over. He did wrong, you did wrong. The communication was poor and now his heart is seemingly with another woman.

 

You're right that you can only work on you.

 

Grieve the loss of your marriage and be good coparents.