How to leave a good man?

[HugosVoice]

Everywhere I look women want to leave men who have done something wrong. But what about those who haven’t?

 

I have reached a point in my 12 year relationship where I find myself trying to find reasons to end it, where I am almost WILLING him to do something horrible, because 'it just doesn't feel right anymore' just doesn't feel like it's a good enough reason.

 

But IT JUST. DOESN'T. FEEL RIGHT.

 

I was very young when we met (21) and he was much older (38). I’m now 33 and he’s 50.

 

Some key things that stand out for me, none of which are really his fault:

 

1. We own a home together. A few months after purchasing in 2013, I realised I had made a huge mistake. While it’d be nice to have the security of owning a property some day, my real passion is travel. And I don’t mean a holiday when we can afford it. I mean going somewhere different in the world every 6 months. LIVING somewhere else for a year. This is what I dream about all day long. After paying my mortgage and all the associated fees I have hardly any money left every month. Some months I can barely afford a bus ticket. I hate living like this and I don't want to anymore. I miss the easy life of a renter. He tells me “that’s just how life works”, but does it? Don't we get to choose our own life? If it were up to me I'd spend the next 10 years paying $400 a month in rent and travelling the world. I am always made to feel like this dream is fanciful/immature/financially foolish though.. I'm ashamed to admit I allowed other people to convince me that being a homeowner is how I should be living my life. I always had a nagging feeling it wasn't right for me but I just put those feelings down to nerves. I know what a mess this has made for both me and him and I feel awful about it. I should have trusted my gut.

 

2. Our friends have stopped inviting us out because we always said no. I am not trying to solely blame him, but it always seemed he was the one not wanting to go. I would have loved to have attended dinners, outings etc. Because perhaps they haven't grown up a quickly as him and still enjoy a drink and a big night out, he calls a lot of our friends ‘losers’ and says it is too hard for him to come home from work (he finishes much earlier than me) then go out again on e.g. a Friday night so we never go.

 

3. I am not sure whether this is a generational thing but he hates tattoos on women. I have 2 already and would like to get more, but I don’t feel comfortable doing so, knowing how he feels. This may seem trivial but it makes me feel like I can't be myself and express myself how I'd like.

 

4. He likes THINGS. I couldn’t care less if we didn’t have things like a TV, a car (we live in the City where public transport is everywhere) or a DVD collection. That kind of stuff means nothing to me, yet I am pouring all my money into it. I am more than satisfied with the simple life and just grateful to have a roof over my head and food in my belly.

 

There isn't anyone else. I have no desire to "sleep around" or "party". I am not bored, nor miserable. But I am not happy either. I'm trying to forgive myself and accept that sometimes people and their wants and needs just change. What once fit doesn't anymore. That sometimes things don't have to be wrong to not be right.

 

But it feels so unfair on him.

 

He’s a good man who loves me more now than he did in the beginning and has always been a wonderful partner, but I know this relationship just isn't right for me anymore and I've no idea how to explain that to him. Please help.

 

P.S. has anyone else ever been through something similar? I feel terribly alone.

[carhill]

People who are good people end relationships and marriages every day. In fact, I'd wager most that do are good people; they're simply people who no longer have the desire to be together as partners.

 

Since you're not into stuff and you feel this strong impulse to leave, leave all the stuff and offer him first right of refusal of your equity in the house and leave. Easy? Nope! Nothing in life that's worthwhile and fulfilling is easy.

[HugosVoice]

People who are good people end relationships and marriages every day. In fact, I'd wager most that do are good people; they're simply people who no longer have the desire to be together as partners.

 

Since you're not into stuff and you feel this strong impulse to leave, leave all the stuff and offer him first right of refusal of your equity in the house and leave. Easy? Nope! Nothing in life that's worthwhile and fulfilling is easy.

 

I believe I am entitled to something, of course. I put $42k on the house as a deposit and have so far spent $27k in mortgage repayments alone. Just because I don’t like things doesn’t mean I don’t need money to start my life again. He can keep all the material possessions in the house.

[carhill]

Yep, you can sell your equity to him or someone else. The only sticky wicket is your mortgage obligation since the lender will have to release you from that to clear out your responsibility for the debt. Figure about 400-500 bucks for a professional appraisal to figure out market value then negotiate the rest.

[CC12]

He’s a good man who loves me more now than he did in the beginning and has always been a wonderful partner, but I know this relationship just isn't right for me anymore and I've no idea how to explain that to him. Please help.

 

You should explain it to him pretty much exactly as you explained it to us. It's going to be hard and you'll both be hurting but it sounds like this needs to happen.

 

Let me ask you, though, if you told him about all of these issues - you wanting to travel and not be tied down, how you want to have more of a social life, more tattoos, less material possessions - and he said to you that he would totally support you doing those things and that he would even do them with you, would you still want to leave him?

[d0nnivain]

Although it's a cliche, in your case it's true. It's not him. It's you.

 

Tell him how unhappy you are & why. Maybe he'll go to the dinners. Maybe he'll stop buying as much stuff to free up more money for travel but it's highly unlikely that he will adopt the vagabond lifestyle you seem to crave. Unless you have certain work from anywhere jobs it will be tough to earn a stable living & save for retirement.

[Mr Carson]

Relationships are about compromise from both people. If you've not explained your true feelings to him, your not being fair. If he's not willing to work towards a compromise he's not being fair. But it's up to you to communicate with him, does he even know how strongly you feel about these things?

[Mrin]

Two things: I think your story is a perfect example of when a big age gap goes from not mattering to mattering. I only bring it up because your referenced it directly or indirectly several times.

 

The second thing is this: it is okay to leave. The "reasons" you see in others breaking up (infidelity, cruelty) are not reasons - they're symptoms. The underlying reason is that they don't care about their spouse like they should. That's what is going on here - you don't care about your husband as you should or think you should. That's reason enough.

 

It will suck. I am not going to lie to you. You will feel like the most selfish person in the world. You will lose friends. He may decide to hate you. But did you think it would be easy? Did you think that somehow you could just shake hands and say see ya! No. It hardly ever works that way. But that's not a reason to not do it.

 

Last piece of advice - before you throw in the towel or ever keep obsessing about this (which isn't harmless you know - you're manifesting your own dissatisfaction) you two should really spend some time in counseling. Even if it doesn't keep you guys together it will help with the parting....

[KBarletta]

I have a question - how much have you communicated to your husband about these feelings, as detailed as you did here? In my opinion, walking away isn't necessarily unfair to him - what *would* be unfair to him (and to you) would be walking away without a sincere effort to communicate with each other what you need out of this relationship. I don't mean dropping hints or other passive forms of communication, I mean sitting down and telling him exactly what you want out of life. Maybe, just maybe, he is feeling unhappy too and you two can work together to address your issues and be happy together. Or maybe not. But walking away without at least having that conversation is a disservice to him, IMO.

 

That said, if he is unwilling to address these problems and meet you halfway after you have that conversation, or you try to work things out and still aren't happy, then I would not blame you for walking away. But you owe it to each other to at least be honest and have the conversation first and devote some energy to your relationship before calling it quits. Just my $0.02.

[Satu]

Your relationship is already over. All there is now is a fading afterimage.

 

Work together to find a mutually fair parting of the ways.

[candie13]

I understand you don't want to be the bad guy in this situation, however you should care less about him being the good person and think about you and your needs. You are not happy. In order to have a happy RS, both partners should be happy, independently and when they are together. A happy RS starts with a healthy dose of selfishness.

 

Focus on yourself and your needs and it will flow. You need a lot of courage for that, btw.

 

Best of luck

[Phoenician]

Dear ,

 

I am not going to blame you , because it seems for years that you were trying to convince yourself to stay and now you can no longer handle it ...

 

it seems marriage is over already , you don't care about your partner ,i know this feeling because i don't care about my wife ; the only difference I can find is that she sucks happiness from my heart ; while your husband is described as a good prson .

 

 

I wish we live in a time where we would fix something broken instaed of throwing it ;

 

but looking at where you are now , I advise you to leave ; but you can't get everything in life ..

 

and don't lie on yourself that you just want a new lifstyle ; wou want a second chance , and a second marriage ; not to blame you , but be honest with him and end it .

 

there is no point to stay in this marriage ; for him as well for u

[Lokin4AReason]

you can do the same as my soon to be ex wife done to me ... pick up at what you can and go ...

 

she didn't leave me an explanation or anything ( not even a #@%* you note )

 

or

 

sell your half or tell him to pay up for your half .... he ll be crushed and what can you do, nothing because you don't want to compromise ( or am I wrong ... ? )

 

so you ll have some devil(s) to deal w/ here .. again IMO

Edited May 18, 2015 by Lokin4AReason

[Mr. Lucky]

I have a question - how much have you communicated to your husband about these feelings, as detailed as you did here?

 

I can't help but wonder if you communicated any of this as it was happening ???

 

Every decision you've made - marriage, house and lifestyle - you entered into voluntarily and of free will. If you also did so silently in the face of your long list of concerns and objections, I can't help but feel sorry for your husband. Intentionally or not, he's about to get the rug pulled from beneath him...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BlueIris]

Some people attribute their unhappiness or discontent to their marriage or partner when it has nothing to do with the spouse. So they divorce, flirt and date for a while only to discover that their initial discontent was inside.

[HugosVoice]

Goals and dreams aside, it just doesn’t feel right anymore. That’s what it comes down to for me. When I look at him I don’t see a partner I can have a life with. I see a kind, sweet man who has always been good to me, but who I don’t see in *that* way anymore. I’ve changed a lot in 12 years, the life I thought I wanted has changed and what I want in a partner has changed. For those who said I don’t care about him you couldn’t be more wrong. Believe me, I wish I didn’t. I wish I could just hate him and as a result feel somewhat justified in my decision. But I don’t. I know this is going to ruin his life and the guilt is killing me.

[Oberfeldwebel]

You are comparing apples and oranges, so I think we need to refocus. First there is the emotional side of the issue as to whether you should continue the marriage. It appears that you like and respect your husband, but I don’t hear love in the things you are saying. I recommend counseling to see if the marriage can be fixed. However, if you don’t desire to put any more effort into the relationship, then I think you need to have an honest conversation with him. He won’t like what you have to say, but in the long it is better for him than dragging it out. This is truly your call as only you know yourself and the marriage.

 

Second there is the financial side, which is the easiest as it is a business decision. You bought a house, whether you regret that now is irrelevant, as it is after the fact. You two owe a certain amount of money on the house. If you have only owned the house for a couple of years, I highly doubt you have much equity. Chances are you will have to sell the house, unless he is able to refinance the deal. So you sell the house for X you owe the band Y and the difference is split between the two of you. I would be real surprised if this will allow you to travel the world.

 

Most people do not get to travel the world and live off the land. It sounds all kind of fun, but it is expensive and not that much fun if you are doing this by yourself. Also your game plan doesn’t have contingency for you getting hurt and needing medical care. I know you are still young and before you know it, you will want to retire, only you can’t retire because you have no savings. That is your business and you have every right to live the life you desire. Might I suggest finding a job that involves considerable travel, that way you can kill two birds with one stone.

[HugosVoice]

Counselling with what money?

 

After paying my mortgage and all the associated fees I have hardly any money left every month. Some months I can barely afford a bus ticket. I hate living like this and I don't want to anymore.

 

Ok, you know what? Do me a favour and scrap what I said in my original post.

 

My idea of heaven? Keeping my current job and going somewhere different in the world every 6 months, if only for a week. Say, spending a maximum of $5,000.00. A lot less if I want to travel to Asian countries.

 

Holiday packages. I can go to e.g. New York City for a week (I live in Australia) for approximately $3,000.00 (flights and accommodation). I don’t much care where I stay as hopefully I won’t be spending much time indoors. Trust me, I have researched this. Pathetically, I spend way too much time booking flights I'll never pay for.

 

For every $50 I put away for my holidays I will put $50 in savings.

 

I have always been taught to save and have been a saver since childhood. I don’t “blow” money and leave myself in debt. I’ve never owned a credit card.

 

I am not a fool when it comes to money.

Edited May 19, 2015 by HugosVoice

[Phoenician]

Some people attribute their unhappiness or discontent to their marriage or partner when it has nothing to do with the spouse. So they divorce, flirt and date for a while only to discover that their initial discontent was inside.

 

It is actually a big question inside each one of us , one can lie on everybody but not himself/herslef; in this thread I was surprised that ppl are also ready to leave though their partner is a good one ; it is just confusing to me , I am in a Rocky marriage with a selfish , lazy person since 17 years ; yet haven't left yet ...

 

may be the kids are the variable factor ...

 

OP do you have kids ?

[HugosVoice]

It is actually a big question inside each one of us , one can lie on everybody but not himself/herslef; in this thread I was surprised that ppl are also ready to leave though their partner is a good one ; it is just confusing to me , I am in a Rocky marriage with a selfish , lazy person since 17 years ; yet haven't left yet ...

 

may be the kids are the variable factor ...

 

OP do you have kids ?

 

So by that logic just because someone is a good partner you should always stay, whether you are still in love with them or not?

 

No, never wanted kiddies of our own. Funnily enough I made that decision years ago in return for travel, which I also am not getting to do…

 

 

What makes you stay, Phoenician?

[Phoenician]

So by that logic just because someone is a good partner you should always stay, whether you are still in love with them or not?

 

No, never wanted kiddies of our own. Funnily enough I made that decision years ago in return for travel, which I also am not getting to do…

 

 

What makes you stay, Phoenician?

 

"still in love with them or not?"

 

in my definition marriage is not a trip ,it is a journey ,if the partner is good he/she is worth investing on working on maintaining marriage , which is like a garden .

 

 

Kids are the fruits of marriage , but still even without them ; vows are sacred to me .

 

Unless one of the partners lied and became a different person once stepped in marriage ; marriage shouldn't be just thrown at first opportunity .

 

one of the sacred duties in marriage is when they become old taking care of each other ; how you think ppl lived together for something like 30 and 40 years ?

 

They are not perfect , they just simply believe in taking care of each other .

 

is the alternative to leave a partner when sick ? or need help ?

 

my mom is now with a man who has parkinson , he sometimes forgets who she is , she brings the albums and start telling him stories ; sometimes she exagerate in telling him how happy they were ...

 

 

I am staying for my kids ; when they fly , i would reconsider ; but there is no way on earth I will leave them just because of my misfortune ; because the only name I can be called would be selfish ...

 

May be one day my wife will change ,if she leaves , I will be more than glad .

may be I will just leave her; but until then I am trying and trying and trying until no longer i can stand for it .

 

The problem I see is that , you have a major issue , forget about religion , you seem to loose belief , even in yourself ;

you are just looking at it from the easiest path perspective ; I am not saying you are wrong . but I feel that you are not willing to change .

 

How is your sexlife with husband ?

 

from what environment you are coming ?

 

did your parent just ditched each other at first opportunity ?

if they did , this shouldnt be your path just because u saw bad example .

 

you need to fix yourself by seeking IC ,because the way you are heading is to emptiness ...

 

Don't be superficial , some people just get wet , others feel the rain .

 

Sit with your husband and discuss your expectation from him , he seem a good guy ; does he put credits in your love bank ?

 

be a real lady , surprise him , with your feminsism , be a venus to him , Godess of fertility and charm .

 

Is not having kids a choice ?

 

is he happy with that choice ?

 

If there is anything in the world that makes me fight and forget my pain in this marriage and in the real life ; it is when I see my kids happy , two adorable girls , who are friend to their dad , and a lovely 6 ears boy (thats how he say his age : 6 eears .

 

last year when the whole world was collapsing in front of me , I spent 1 month building a house tree for my child .

 

he was so happy that even he has an elevator for to carry load up

 

and what was important is that he built it with dady ...

[SycamoreCircle]

Antonia Bourdain, I'm 38 and lived most of my 20's doing free spirited things, including extensive independent world travel.

 

I still do periodic jaunts to strange places. What has changed? While it's fun to meander about for weeks, once you're in it your eye again trains towards what's faraway. That very often happens to be...home.

 

All I'm saying is...sometimes we think we could eat a whole pie when really all we needed was a slice.

 

Tattoos, Cambodia and taking up the ukelele all have their place. But there's something to be said for a truly loving partner, equity, and a place to hang your hat.

 

From the other side,

 

SC

[loveweary11]

 

Most people do not get to travel the world and live off the land. It sounds all kind of fun, but it is expensive and not that much fun if you are doing this by yourself. Also your game plan doesn’t have contingency for you getting hurt and needing medical care. I know you are still young and before you know it, you will want to retire, only you can’t retire because you have no savings. That is your business and you have every right to live the life you desire. Might I suggest finding a job that involves considerable travel, that way you can kill two birds with one stone.

 

Um... let me just pipe in on this one point.,

 

This IS what I do with my life. I travel 100% of the time and now that I'm divorced, do it by myself or with female friends I'm not getting into a relationship with yet for various reasons.

 

It is more than possible to set your life up to have more than $1mil in retirement savings and travel the world. I'm living proof.

 

Getting hurt is only expensive in the USA. Everywhere else, it's not a big deal. Complete global healthcare coverage, with medevac, for 2 people, is about what many people in the usa pay for car insurance.

[loveweary11]

Antonia Bourdain, I'm 38 and lived most of my 20's doing free spirited things, including extensive independent world travel.

 

I still do periodic jaunts to strange places. What has changed? While it's fun to meander about for weeks, once you're in it your eye again trains towards what's faraway. That very often happens to be...home.

 

All I'm saying is...sometimes we think we could eat a whole pie when really all we needed was a slice.

 

Tattoos, Cambodia and taking up the ukelele all have their place. But there's something to be said for a truly loving partner, equity, and a place to hang your hat.

 

From the other side,

 

SC

 

This is an interesting post and I'm going to agree.

 

Travel is a great way of life. Renting isn't a great financial decision in most cases. I've solved all these problems, personally, but the one thing Sycamore says that holds true is this:

 

The grass is always greener.

 

When you are on a beautiful tropical island, live most people's dream, you wish to go on a vacation snowboarding in the mountains.

[lolablue17]

There are two separate issues.

1. You dont like your partner.

2. you don't like your lifestyle in general.

 

If it was only the second issue (you dont like you lifestyle), I would advise you to copy your original thread and read it to him. You can tell him you feel trapped, you want to travel and so and so. He might cooperate with you and agree to let you your freedom to travel, or even come with you and agree to change his life with you. Or he might get offended and from now on it's his decision whether to be with your "new you".

 

He might be glad to change and then you can renew your love to him.

 

But if you just dont like him, I have no advice for you. Just break up and that's it. In that case your new lifestyle is irrelevant, and you can take care of it after the breakup.

Edited May 19, 2015 by lolablue17