CC12 Posted May 19, 2015 Share Posted May 19, 2015 I’ve changed a lot in 12 years, the life I thought I wanted has changed and what I want in a partner has changed. There's nothing wrong with that. Don't feel guilty for changing as a person or having different life goals than you thought you had at 21 when you got together with him. You've grown up. You're perfectly normal. Honestly, your boyfriend (husband?) should have seen this coming. I think sometimes older people who get together with younger people seem to forget that the younger partner still has a lot of growing up and life experiences ahead. The older partner should support and encourage this. One of the big examples of him not supporting/encouraging your growth is saying no to social invitations. You probably would have attended lots of things if he hadn't said no. You lost out on invitations and friendships because of him. That is one distinct thing that you can look at and say, "This was something that was wrong with our relationship." I know this is going to ruin his life and the guilt is killing me. It's not going to ruin his life. It might feel like that for a while, but you'll both get past this. You'll both be okay. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted May 19, 2015 Share Posted May 19, 2015 You are really stuck on yourself if you think this is going to ruin his life. He is a grown man. You are a grown woman. You can leave anyone anytime without a reason. Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted May 19, 2015 Share Posted May 19, 2015 You can leave anyone anytime without a reason. Yes, you can. That doesn't mean you should. Walking away from a 12 year relationship without a word would be unfair to both parties, IMO. Yes, they are both grown adults, and they've been together for 12 years. Call me old fashioned, but that kind of relationship in my opinion deserves a bit more respect than just bailing out without any explanation or discussion. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted May 19, 2015 Share Posted May 19, 2015 Since you haven't addressed the people who asked if your husband has any clue you are this unhappy and want out, I am going to assume he is clueless. Unless you hire a hit man to knock him off or if you some how kill him in his sleep, he is going to find out about it eventually, and the less heads up he has before he sees you driving away the more angry, hurt and bitter he is going to be and worse you are going to look in your friends and families eyes and the more guilt you are going to feel. It's not like you are going to disappear one day and he won't notice or wonder what happened to you, so let's start dealing with reality. So this is my recommendation. See a counselor on your own first. Discuss all this stuff with him/her and let them help you peel through all the layers and get to some of the root issues and then formulate a plan together with the counselor into how to broach this with your H. The counselor may help determine if the problem is actually him and the marriage, or depression or midlife crisis or achy bunions. You sound like there's more going on and that there are deeper issues taking place here than just wanting to see Yosemite and Tiajuana. You may have some actual mental or emotional issues that left untreated will follow you and stay with you even if you do leave him and travel to far off exotic locations. Start seeing a professional first and work with that person before you take any other kind of action. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted May 19, 2015 Share Posted May 19, 2015 People who are good people end relationships and marriages every day. In fact, I'd wager most that do are good people; they're simply people who no longer have the desire to be together as partners. Since you're not into stuff and you feel this strong impulse to leave, leave all the stuff and offer him first right of refusal of your equity in the house and leave. Easy? Nope! Nothing in life that's worthwhile and fulfilling is easy. I agree. Not easy, but this is your only life. Live it happy. Don't live it dreading waking up every day due to your life being something you don't want it to be. Link to post Share on other sites
fireflywy Posted May 19, 2015 Share Posted May 19, 2015 (edited) Goals and dreams aside, it just doesn’t feel right anymore. That’s what it comes down to for me. When I look at him I don’t see a partner I can have a life with. I see a kind, sweet man who has always been good to me, but who I don’t see in *that* way anymore. I’ve changed a lot in 12 years, the life I thought I wanted has changed and what I want in a partner has changed. For those who said I don’t care about him you couldn’t be more wrong. Believe me, I wish I didn’t. I wish I could just hate him and as a result feel somewhat justified in my decision. But I don’t. I know this is going to ruin his life and the guilt is killing me. Yeah this is gonna hit him like a bag of bricks. You didn't marry a lover, you married your father and for him at 50 finding someone new is going to be ROUGH. But if you're not happy, then let him go before you end up stepping out of your marriage for fulfillment. Oh, and you may find that traveling and living like a gypsy as you're describing may not turn into what you thought it was. Edited May 19, 2015 by fireflywy Link to post Share on other sites
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