Can you befriend your friend's ex?

[elaine567]

I agree. I would not suddenly want to befriend with a friend's ex. But if I were friends with him before that, I don't see why i have to stop.

 

When people break up, there are then two sides, two sides who no doubt think they are both in the right.

So what usually happens in break ups, war is declared.

Sides need to be chosen and taken.

The friends of the woman tend to take her side and the friends of the guy take his.

 

If a friend of the woman, takes the side of the guy (speaks to, hangs out with, gets him to help her move...) then she is seen as no friend of the woman, as she has defected to the "other" side.

How can she be seen as a confidante and enter the inner circle, if she is talking to the "enemy" too.

[d0nnivain]

I always hire movers because asking people to help you move always ends in problems.

 

It's obvious that you think you did nothing wrong but it's equally obvious that your friend is hurt. So now what? If you care about the friendship, apologize for failing to consider her feelings. If you don't care about the friendship, you got your cheap move so now move on from this friendship.

[h0000]

actually, no.

we're past you asking him for a help.

 

you have an angry & hurt friend -- instead of acknowledging that hurt & working it out with her, you're trashing her on a Forum & asking for some kind of confirmation that you didn't do anything wrong.

 

and really - you didn't. it's the aftermath that you don't feel like dealing with because you don't feel like dealing with this "friend" of yours.

 

you're letting her being butthurt over an X get between the two of you -- what kind of friendship is that? what kind of friendship is that, where it's more important to you that you're being RIGHT than it is to keep that friend around?

 

Again,why do you think she was butthurt? I said she went crazy, as in try to physically hit me.

 

And I actually don't think I should keep her as a friend. And all my other friends (who used to also be her friends)tell me I should stop being her friend. And now I did .

 

I am not posting this thread to ask if I'm right or wrong. It is general discussion.

[minimariah]

Why would it possibly hurt your feelings when your ex is simply helping your friend?

 

it was explained to your earlier - it's seen as a matter of loyalty.

 

+ it can get super awkward.

+ she probably thinks you want to f*ck him (which i definitely think you do; just a hunch)..

 

I really cannot relate since I would not feel this way.

 

than i really can't explain it to you.

 

But you are right we were not close friends to beginning with. And not friends at all anymore.

 

so why on earth are you opening this thread when you're not even friends anymore?

 

(((because you want to f*ck him.)))

[d0nnivain]

Again,why do you think she was butthurt? I said she went crazy, as in try to physically hit me.

 

And I actually don't think I should keep her as a friend. And all my other friends (who used to also be her friends)tell me I should stop being her friend. And now I did .

 

Her trying to hit you changes everything. Run & never look back. However, in the future, if you are going to ask a friend's EX for favors consider how that will make the friend feel.

[h0000]

When people break up, there are then two sides, two sides who no doubt think they are both in the right.

So what usually happens in break ups, war is declared.

Sides need to be chosen and taken.

The friends of the woman tend to take her side and the friends of the guy take his.

 

If a friend of the woman, takes the side of the guy (speaks to, hangs out with, gets him to help her move...) then she is seen as no friend of the woman, as she has defected to the "other" side.

How can she be seen as a confidante and enter the inner circle, if she is talking to the "enemy" too.

 

I don't believe there are always two sides. Heck lots of people even remained friends after the break up! There is simply no side. if anyone wants me to choose sides, I will think they are immature. unless the other one has some obvious characteristic flaws. And in my situation, I met them at the same time, I view them as equal to me. Until she showed how nasty she is.

[h0000]

it was explained to your earlier - it's seen as a matter of loyalty.

 

+ it can get super awkward.

+ she probably thinks you want to f*ck him (which i definitely think you do; just a hunch)..

 

 

 

than i really can't explain it to you.

 

 

 

so why on earth are you opening this thread when you're not even friends anymore?

 

(((because you want to f*ck him.)))

As the incident happened, we were friends. Now we are not.

 

And gees I think you have some seriously problems if you think a female, asking for help from a male, is her wanting to f*cking him.

[minimariah]

I don't believe there are always two sides. Heck lots of people even remained friends after the break up! There is simply no side. if anyone wants me to choose sides, I will think they are immature. unless the other one has some obvious characteristic flaws. And in my situation, I met them at the same time, I view them as equal to me. Until she showed how nasty she is.

 

well, stay away from her & move on.

 

i really cannot understand why did you even bother to open up a thread about specifically you & that friend when she's "nasty" & isn't an actual friend to you anymore.

 

you really went from "my friend went crazy, did i break a girl code?" to "she's nasty, tried to hit me, tried to get me fired, i already decided to dump her as a friend!" in literally 3 pages. amazing.

[minimariah]

And gees I think you have some seriously problems if you think a female, asking for help from a male, is her wanting to f*cking him.

 

why do you keep going back to you wanting help from her over and over again? at this point, it isn't about you asking him to help at all -- i already explained what it IS about.

 

but you keep bringing it up... like, why?

and no, i don't think a WOMAN (please, don't use female - it's insulting; google it why) asking a MAN for help is doing so because she's trying to f*ck him.

 

but i think YOU definitely want to f*ck this dude - again, it's just a hunch.

[h0000]

Her trying to hit you changes everything. Run & never look back. However, in the future, if you are going to ask a friend's EX for favors consider how that will make the friend feel.

 

Is it ultimately about taking sides/caring for your friend or about insecurities and jealousy?

[minimariah]

As the incident happened, we were friends. Now we are not.

 

so wait - why did you call her your friend in your first post in a thread you opened TODAY? i'm confused.

[h0000]

well, stay away from her & move on.

 

i really cannot understand why did you even bother to open up a thread about specifically you & that friend when she's "nasty" & isn't an actual friend to you anymore.

 

you really went from "my friend went crazy, did i break a girl code?" to "she's nasty, tried to hit me, tried to get me fired, i already decided to dump her as a friend!" in literally 3 pages. amazing.

 

Because as a general discussion i want to know people's view on this topic in general. Doesn't have to to have anything to do with any particular case. And yeah I probably shouldn't mention the hitting part because it was meant to be a "general" discussion.

 

I don't like that you keep accusing me for trying to sleep with him. It grosses me out. I think you are a jealous person that's why you always relate things to sex

 

Honestly though even if she didn't try to hit me, I still wouldn't think I did a wrong thing. But I would apologise if she gets upset. And since she got nasty, I do not want to apologise.

 

if you do not like my post just leave

Edited May 18, 2015 by h0000

[minimariah]

Because as a general discussion i want to know people's view on this topic in general. Doesn't have to to have anything to do with any particular case. And yeah I probably shouldn't mention the hitting part because it was meant to be a "general" discussion.

 

errrrrr... no.

 

the hitting part is actually irrelevant. if you wanted a general discussion - you would've phrased the thread differently. you went 180 in a matter of just a few pages and used your own, specific case. she was your friend on page 1, she stopped being that on page 3.

 

it's hilarious.

[d0nnivain]

Is it ultimately about taking sides/caring for your friend or about insecurities and jealousy?

 

It's about taking other people's feelings into consideration. On the off chance that a friend may be upset, you need to be a good friend & ask before you go off having an interaction with their EX.

 

If a friend asked me, I'd be OK with it. If a friend went off & asked my EX to help her move without consulting me 1st, I would no longer be friends with that person because their actions show no consideration for me. It's about respecting the primary / more important relationship.

[minimariah]

I think you are a jealous person that's why you always relate things to sex

 

wait...

 

what?

 

what does jealousy have to do with relating things to sex? what? what can i possibly be jealous about? LMAO.

 

come on, be honest here. WHY did you open this thread?

[h0000]

errrrrr... no.

 

the hitting part is actually irrelevant. if you wanted a general discussion - you would've phrased the thread differently. you went 180 in a matter of just a few pages and used your own, specific case. she was your friend on page 1, she stopped being that on page 3.

 

it's hilarious.

 

I put more details, because everybody just automatically assumes the "friend" is the victim. She's hurt, upset, her friends (me) doesn't care, her ex doesn't care. Her friend must want to sleep with the ex blah blah..

[minimariah]

I put more details, because everybody just automatically assumes the "friend" is the victim. She's hurt, upset, her friends (me) doesn't care, her ex doesn't care. Her friend must want to sleep with the ex blah blah..

 

just to be clear - she sucks as a friend, obviously + she is abusive.

 

but what you did was wrong because you didn't take her feelings into consideration - NOT because you asked him for help. and you didn't take her feelings into consideration because she sucks as a friend & your friendship wasn't a quality one to begin with and it wasn't the "primary" friendship.

 

i think you'd feel a differently if you actually had that happen with someone who truly matters to you as a friend. this friendship is simply a bad example, this was just a trigger in an already bad relationship.

[h0000]

jyou didn't take her feelings into consideration because she sucks as a friend & your friendship wasn't a quality one to begin with and it wasn't the "primary" friendship.

 

i think you'd feel a differently if you actually had that happen with someone who truly matters to you as a friend. this friendship is simply a bad example, this was just a trigger in an already bad relationship.

 

Well, You are probably right on this.

[elaine567]

I put more details, because everybody just automatically assumes the "friend" is the victim. She's hurt, upset, her friends (me) doesn't care, her ex doesn't care. Her friend must want to sleep with the ex blah blah..

 

I guess that is exactly what she thinks, and what you seem to be impervious to.

Did you not care that your friend was hurting and upset?

[MissBee]

Can/will you stay friends with your friend's ex, hang out with them and/or help each other out if needed?

 

My friend (a girl) went crazy when I (also a girl) asked her ex to help me moving. So did I break some girl code here?

 

Yea that's pretty awkward and something I just wouldn't do.

 

Unless their ex was a friend of mine before they dated I'm not going to go out of my way after they break up to hangout or ask favors of them. If I only know the ex because of them then my loyalties and consideration will be more towards my friend. My friends' boyfriends while in the relationship aren't my friends. We are only in involvement because of their relationship with my friend. Those are my boundaries. I don't hang out with my friends' bf's, call them, text, or anything like that unless it is something related to my friend. We are friendly and cordial but my friend usually is around... So even the concept that my friend's bf is someone I should still be friends with if I want to doesn't make any sense, because none of my friends' boyfriends are my friends in the true sense of the word. Like I said, it's one thing if the bf and I were friends before he and my gf ever dated, that is different as in that case they both started as friends with me then happened to date; but, if I never knew this guy from a can of paint until my friend brought him around as her bf, he will never be my friend in the way she is as I have boundaries and don't become besties with friends' significant others. So the fact that he and I would no longer have private communication or hang out isn't an issue because likely we never did to begin with since and now that the bridge (my friend) is no longer there, it's even less likelu.

 

I will not be rude to the ex. If I see them out and about I will say hello and all that. But chit chatting, hanging out, helping me move...no way. And if it's a close friend of mine and for some reason I absolutely had to ask their ex to do something for me I'd at least run it by them first so they don't find out through the grapevine which will make them more upset.

Edited May 19, 2015 by MissBee

[No Limit]

I usually establish distance automatically, exactly because of that betrayal/togetherness choice, even if said friend wouldn't want me to. Frankly, I doubt it will ever happen that I grow that close to a friend's partner that I'd just NEED to have them in my life.