Was it fair to break up after she lied about her extensive past?

[Blackeagledan]

It practically killed all I've thought about her. It was by accident that I found out through a message she left open on her yahoo account. Otherwise I would have never found out that her only having a past long-term bf was a total lie. I was a virgin then.

 

She was confiding in her friend (who clearly knows about it) about her past and feeling guilty about how she lied about only being with a past bf and this is what killed me more in her following sentence ''He won't understand, I took his virginity, had to lie''. It came out that her number was somewhere in the 20's and that she first had sex at the age of 14. Not just that but I wasn't aware either that she used to smoke and was in the wrong crowd for a while and in her own words, got lost in the way.

 

It's only been a week after flipping out and breaking up but I'm still crushed. All these nearly 4 years have been a lie basically. All she's been now doing is calling apologizing and saying about loving me. But I feel as if my choice was stolen. I'll never get back those years. My v-card is forever gone. I was truly thinking of eventually settling down to be honest since I'm in my last year of college but now I want nothing. There is some part of me that does still love her but I'm too disgusted by all this. It's as if I've been robbed out of a choice.

[Gloria25]

Sorry to hear that...

 

But seriously, I wouldn't take too seriously college romances...I mean, you and her have your careers and lives to get started with and assuming you're both in your 20's, you are young and will find someone else.

 

Maybe since she was your first you have gotten very attached to her and are crushed...Well, IMO, that's why I think maybe you should get out more and date more women and next time don't put your eggs all in one basket. Now, when I say "date" I don't mean "sleep around".

 

BTW, I'm not saying her lying is right, but some people make poor choices in their lives and IMO, what counts is how they are "now". Also, a lot of females have been misled by the women's movement and sexual revolution and made a lot of poor choices sexually, are probably ashamed about it - so don't wanna come clean about their past.

 

So, it's up to you...if you see she's really a changed person and/or wanna date her some more time to see if she indeed is a better person then maybe that's something you need to consider.

 

But, really, IMO, you need to level with her and let her know you found out about her past and see how she handles it. How she handles it hopefully will also help you in figuring out if she's actually a better person now than she was in her past.

[Blackeagledan]

Yes, we're both 22 year-olds ready to graduate. I was then a month shy of turning 18 while she was already 18 when we met.

BTW, I'm not saying her lying is right, but some people make poor choices in their lives and IMO, what counts is how they are "now". Also, a lot of females have been misled by the women's movement and sexual revolution and made a lot of poor choices sexually, are probably ashamed about it - so don't wanna come clean about their past.

I see but it was really unfair what she did. That's cheating your way into getting into a relationship and making yourself appear to the other person as someone that never existed. I was waiting for someone special who doesn't have a history of changing partner after partner and has values.

 

When I broke it off, yes I did confronted about all that. It ended up in an argument where I called her a liar and how she made me waste my time and she ended up crying, saying she was sorry, how she didn't want to lose me, etc.

[Blackeagledan]

If you have to lie to be with someone, you shouldn;t be with that person.

That's true. I would have never dated her nor lose it to her if I knew about all that.

[bachdude]

It practically killed all I've thought about her. It was by accident that I found out through a message she left open on her yahoo account. Otherwise I would have never found out that her only having a past long-term bf was a total lie. I was a virgin then.

 

She was confiding in her friend (who clearly knows about it) about her past and feeling guilty about how she lied about only being with a past bf and this is what killed me more in her following sentence ''He won't understand, I took his virginity, had to lie''. It came out that her number was somewhere in the 20's and that she first had sex at the age of 14. Not just that but I wasn't aware either that she used to smoke and was in the wrong crowd for a while and in her own words, got lost in the way.

 

It's only been a week after flipping out and breaking up but I'm still crushed. All these nearly 4 years have been a lie basically. All she's been now doing is calling apologizing and saying about loving me. But I feel as if my choice was stolen. I'll never get back those years. My v-card is forever gone. I was truly thinking of eventually settling down to be honest since I'm in my last year of college but now I want nothing. There is some part of me that does still love her but I'm too disgusted by all this. It's as if I've been robbed out of a choice.

 

I can understand why you are upset. And I think it is understandable you would want to break up. It wasn't even a "little" lie. It was very deceitful. BTW, you don't need anyone's justification for breaking up with her. If she is not for you, then she is not for you, no matter what others make think is fair or not fair.

 

Sadly, she had trust issues with you. And I'm sure that hurts. I'm not saying this is your fault at all. It may be her own issue. But she didn't reveal her true self to you. That is what intimacy is; to reveal yourself to another. And fear of intimacy is a lack of trust. A fear of rejection. She obviously felt or thought you would reject her for her past. And isn't that sad? An important part of a relationship is to feel accepted by another and she couldn't get that from you because she wasn't honest. She must feel that she doesn't deserve a relationship where she is completely accepted, past and all, to go through with this for so long. She may have never experienced true acceptance her whole life and so doesn't expect it. Who knows really.

 

I know you are very hurt and upset, but I guess I am hoping that one day you may be able to look back at her with some compassion too.

[PrettyEmily77]

Did you talk to her about your accidental discovery? Did she seem to have any regrets or shame about what she did to you?

 

 

Her lying sucks obviously, sorry you had to go through this, but it'll do you no good to dwell on it too much. Based on the info you had at the time, you did what you felt was right so that's what you should try and remember IMO.

 

 

Don't worry, you'll get over her and more likely than not, there'll be others after her. You're ready to graduate so enjoy that moment and get ready for what's coming next!

[autumnnight]

I think breaking up with her was actually the kindest thing you could do. There is a very specific type of man who would never be able to let this go and would allow it to taint an entire marriage, use it as an ace in the hole, hold it over her. If you are that type of man (and many men who are older virgins OR hypocrites about men vs. women are), then the best thing for both of you was to break up.

 

She was wrong to lie. If she had told you the truth from the get go, you never would have dated her, and would have saved you both hurt.

[ascendotum]

It's only been a week after flipping out and breaking up but I'm still crushed. All these nearly 4 years have been a lie basically. All she's been now doing is calling apologizing and saying about loving me. But I feel as if my choice was stolen. I'll never get back those years. My v-card is forever gone. I was truly thinking of eventually settling down to be honest since I'm in my last year of college but now I want nothing. There is some part of me that does still love her but I'm too disgusted by all this. It's as if I've been robbed out of a choice.

 

I understand why you were pissed off. A lot of girls wont tell the truth for their bfs on their past sex life. There is bending the truth a little and doing a 19/20 adjustment. lol I really don't see why she had to lie to that degree of saying she only had one guy before you, for you. Her partner count is obviously an issue for you, and I guess she might have picked on it, but I get the impression if she had said 6 it still would have been an issue with you. Really it should be a case of be upfront and you each go find someone who is compatible.

 

I think you are overreacting though in saying the whole 4 yrs were a lie because of this one lie, and that you will never get back those yrs. I would assume you had a lot of great times together in that time. They were good memories up until only a week ago. While your discovery has changed how you feel about here, don't see your first relationship as a waste of time or bad memories or that you wasted your virginity. It will likely be one of numerous relationships in your life that will start of wonderful but end in disappointment.

[Quiet Storm]

You have a right to feel betrayed. She misrepresented herself. She robbed you of the choice to decide if you wanted to be with someone with her past. She knew you'd have an issue with it and intentionally manipulated the truth so she'd be more attractive to you.

 

The problem is that women her age are often immature. In their minds, their past has no bearing on the present or the future. They don't want to be judged for things that they now feel were mistakes. So instead of finding someone truly compatible and someone who accepts them, they often sanitize their past. They often think that if you find out in the future, that she will have proven herself to be a good girlfriend by then, and that your love for her will be strong enough that you'll see her past as trivial and unimportant (like she does).

 

They don't consider that the lie will change his entire opinion of her, and make him feel betrayed and defrauded.

 

I think you did the right thing for both of you. It was selfish of her to take your choice away, and you'll never trust her again. You love her because you have invested in her and this relationship for four years. You can still love her and decide you deserve better. This will hurt, but you will be OK. You just need time to grieve the loss.

[Toodaloo]

Erm. Can I just ask why she felt she had to lie to you?

 

You keep telling her that you have wasted your time on her and saying some pretty hurtful things that are designed to make her feel unworthy of you.

 

Yes she lied but can I just ask if your actions and her trying to be a good girlfriend were behind those lies?

 

From the tone of your posts I get the feeling that she did not want to tell you lies but felt she had to. Why is that? Have you been "holier than thou" around her?

 

Its a good thing you broke up with her, but I don't think you should be judging her so harshly for this. All you are doing at the moment is smashing this poor girl to pieces, I suspect she was fragile before. Sounds to me as though she has worked hard to better herself and be a better person. That takes balls and gumption.

 

Leave her be and stop being so judgemental. She hasn't cheated on you, I assume in all other respects she has been loyal and supportive of you?

 

I honestly believe that you are blowing this out of proportion.

[PrettyEmily77]

Yes, we're both 22 year-olds ready to graduate. I was then a month shy of turning 18 while she was already 18 when we met.

I see but it was really unfair what she did. That's cheating your way into getting into a relationship and making yourself appear to the other person as someone that never existed. I was waiting for someone special who doesn't have a history of changing partner after partner and has values.

 

When I broke it off, yes I did confronted about all that. It ended up in an argument where I called her a liar and how she made me waste my time and she ended up crying, saying she was sorry, how she didn't want to lose me, etc.

 

^^

Missed this reply for some reason.

 

 

Looks like she did feel remorse and guilt for what she did, but that doesn't necessarily negate the last 4 years of your relationship, just that she wasn't forthcoming about her past.

 

 

She didn't disclose her past fully to you (she may still have had 1 BF and slept with other guys) but when you confronted her, did she give a reason for not being upfront with you from the beginning? Did she lie about anything else? Did she know that you were waiting for someone special who didn't have a history?

 

 

Also, she probably shouldn't have left her account open but in the same way, you shouldn't really have read her personal correspondence with her friend. You probs would have found out some other way. Other ppl's private stuff should stay private at all times.

[d0nnivain]

You didn't get robbed. Although lying is wrong, she did it for good reasons, because she loved you. If she was otherwise a good, loyal & faithful GF all these 4 years, stop with the pity party that you got robbed.

 

You can't handle her past -- sex at 14 & 20+ guys by the time she met you at age 18 is a colorful past. However, those were childish immature decisions. She didn't exactly realize what she was doing or the impact it would have on her future because she was too young & immature to think that far forward. I'm sure she had all that sex in high school because she liked the validation & being popular. I actually feel sorry for her because all those other boys used her but she didn't even realize it at the time.

 

She lied at the beginning but never came clean which is a problem. Clearly she was plagued with guilt because she was still talking about it.

 

You did what you felt you had to do. Ending is better then holding it over her head but try to understand she didn't do any of this to hurt you even if that is what ultimately happened.

 

When you go forward, do not punish your next GF for this one's sins. From the amount of self-righteous hatred I read in your post I can see you concluding that all women are lying sluts & adopting an attitude that isolates you in the future. Be very mindful of this possibility.

[Quiet Storm]

Erm. Can I just ask why she felt she had to lie to you?

 

You keep telling her that you have wasted your time on her and saying some pretty hurtful things that are designed to make her feel unworthy of you.

 

Yes she lied but can I just ask if your actions and her trying to be a good girlfriend were behind those lies?

 

From the tone of your posts I get the feeling that she did not want to tell you lies but felt she had to. Why is that? Have you been "holier than thou" around her?

 

Its a good thing you broke up with her, but I don't think you should be judging her so harshly for this. All you are doing at the moment is smashing this poor girl to pieces, I suspect she was fragile before. Sounds to me as though she has worked hard to better herself and be a better person. That takes balls and gumption.

 

Leave her be and stop being so judgemental. She hasn't cheated on you, I assume in all other respects she has been loyal and supportive of you?

 

I honestly believe that you are blowing this out of proportion.

 

 

The whole point of dating is to find someone genuinely compatible. He was honest about what he wanted. Instead of accepting they were just not a match, she created a false image of herself. She pretended to be someone with the qualities he desired in a woman. He wanted someone with a similar past and values, and he has every right to his preference.

 

There is no way you can be a good girlfriend and lie to a guy about something that you know he cares deeply about. You don't do that to someone you love. That's so selfish and disrespectful. By doing that she's basically saying, "Eff what you want, and eff what's important to you. I wanted you and that's all that mattered."

 

The whole foundation of their relationship was built on lies, so I don't think he's blowing things out of proportion. He would have never spent four years of his life with this person if she'd been honest. That's four years he'll never get back, years he could've spent looking for someone who is genuinely compatible with him.

[minimariah]

you did the right thing - run for the hills from folks who try to protect you with lies. trust me... that never ends well.

[d0nnivain]

It just seems a shame that he's condemning an adult for decisions she made as a child.

 

He can do that but it's not the fairest thing in the world if she was otherwise a good GF. Something must have been working since they were together for 4 years but he's throwing 4 years away against that 1 lie.

[minimariah]

The whole point of dating is to find someone genuinely compatible. He was honest about what he wanted. Instead of accepting they were just not a match, she created a false image of herself.

 

this.

 

he needs a good girl, a good, polite and nice virgin. someone with a "clean" image. she needs someone who will fully accept her as a flawed human, both her and her mistakes.

 

that being said - i truly believe they are both better off without each other.

[minimariah]

It just seems a shame that he's condemning an adult for decisions she made as a child.

 

He can do that but it's not the fairest thing in the world if she was otherwise a good GF. Something must have been working since they were together for 4 years but he's throwing 4 years away against that 1 lie.

 

true but this is a dude who thinks losing a V-card is a BIG DEAL. can't expect from someone who thinks virginity is a virtue to "forgive" her "naughty" past. and it would've been a problem eventually, trust me.

 

he isn't "free" enough for her and she isn't "tame" enough for him. it wouldn't work. just like he deserves someone who will be honest with him, she deserves someone who will accept her for HER, someone she won't have to fake it up for... you know? so this was really a right call.

[d0nnivain]

true but this is a dude who thinks losing a V-card is a BIG DEAL. can't expect from someone who thinks virginity is a virtue to "forgive" her "naughty" past. and it would've been a problem eventually, trust me.

 

he isn't "free" enough for her and she isn't "tame" enough for him. it wouldn't work. just like he deserves someone who will be honest with him, she deserves someone who will accept her for HER, someone she won't have to fake it up for... you know? so this was really a right call.

 

As she matured she toned everything down & was a good faithful & loyal GF to this guy for 4 years. It's unfortunate that her childish decisions from age 14 to 18, when she met him & calmed down are wrecking her relationship now.

 

I think the person she is now as a 22 year old adult is more her true self then her wild teenaged years & it's a lot to judge her adult choices solely by the dumb things she did as a kid. There's no balance.

[Quiet Storm]

It just seems a shame that he's condemning an adult for decisions she made as a child.

 

He can do that but it's not the fairest thing in the world if she was otherwise a good GF. Something must have been working since they were together for 4 years but he's throwing 4 years away against that 1 lie.

 

She's an adult now, though. I think it's a shame she took his choice away. Now he's making an informed choice like he should've had the opportunity to make four years ago. She knew she wasn't compatible and by lying, she essentially delayed being rejected by four years. Now feelings are invested and hearts are broken, when it should've been a simple "We aren't a good match." What's happening is a consequence of her lies.

 

I could see trying to keep it together if you were married and/ or had kids, but why stay with someone who you are not compatible with and deceived you for four years? Thank goodness he found this out before he had kids with her, as I think she was prepared to take it to the grave.

[d0nnivain]

She's an adult now, though. I think it's a shame she took his choice away. Now he's making an informed choice like he should've had the opportunity to make four years ago. She knew she wasn't compatible and by lying, she essentially delayed being rejected by four years. Now feelings are invested and hearts are broken, when it should've been a simple "We aren't a good match." What's happening is a consequence of her lies.

 

I could see trying to keep it together if you were married and/ or had kids, but why stay with someone who you are not compatible with and deceived you for four years? Thank goodness he found this out before he had kids with her, as I think she was prepared to take it to the grave.

 

I don't think she was prepared to take it to the grave. I think she was still talking to her friend about it because she felt guilty & wanted to find a way to tell him. I think she is the good girl he thought she was who made mistakes as a child. I'm reluctant to condemn anybody for decisions she made at 14 -18.

 

While he says he would have dropped her had he known I take that with a grain of salt too. He was an 18 year old freshman far from home. It might have taken longer but if she'd told him the truth, then kept hanging around, I bet he would have succumbed to her charms eventually because I don't have that much faith in the piety of a horny 18 year old.

 

All I'm saying is his is a knee jerk reaction. He acted out of anger & pain. He didn't even think about what kind of a person she has been while they were together. He focused on one thing & ended it. Yes it's an important thing but alone as an initial reaction I don't see the justification for simply dumping & condemning her. If he so much as said he tried to see things from her perspective but couldn't get past it, I would view his decision as being right for him. Here all I see is a spoiled little boy who is pouting because his GF has more experience then he realized.

[Quiet Storm]

We all make mistakes as kids, but the truth is that some people care about pasts. They may not want someone who used drugs as a teen, or had an abortion, committed crimes, or had 20 sex partners. That is their preference, whether or not the rest of the world thinks it should matter.

 

Lying about these things create two situations:

1) it delays the inevitable (he decides they aren't compatible when he eventually finds out). This can get really bad if they have kids by that point, because he'll feel trapped.

2) if never discovered, there will never be true intimacy, because she's not fully accepted, and he's not fully informed

 

I'm not saying his judgements are right, but why would it be good for her to be with someone who judges her?

Edited May 18, 2015 by Quiet Storm

[jen1447]

I'm curious if OP's main objection was the lying or the 20+ partners?

[Maleficent]

this.

 

he needs a good girl, a good, polite and nice virgin. someone with a "clean" image. she needs someone who will fully accept her as a flawed human, both her and her mistakes.

 

that being said - i truly believe they are both better off without each other.

 

Virgins can be flawed and make mistakes. and promiscuous people can be good, polite and nice.

 

This thread simply shows ine of the many ways slut shaming can backfire.

[O'Malley]

Eh, I'm fine with choosing to not be in a relationship with someone if you don't think your ethics are compatible.

 

OP should gain an understanding of retroactive jealousy, because as he gets older most of his peers, with a few exceptions, are going to be fairly sexually experienced. Plenty of good people omit parts of their past that have no effect on their current relationship. If he doesn't want to date someone who's enjoyed casual encounters then don't, but his ex's experiences, both good and bad, contributed to shaping the person that he was in love with.

[minimariah]

Virgins can be flawed and make mistakes. and promiscuous people can be good, polite and nice.

 

absolutely! i agree wholeheartedly.

 

but the OP is viewing this differently. in his mind, virgin = "worthy" - a girl who started having sex at the age of 14 & had a number of partners = "unworthy." he views his V-card as some kind of Holy Grail that he "gave" away & now regrets it. someone with that kind of mindset... in my humble opinion, can only be a good partner to a nun.

 

i'll be honest - i think the break up was the right decision because this girl deserves better.

 

This thread simply shows ine of the many ways slut shaming can backfire.

 

indeed.