Old hurt still haunts

[MiChick43]

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Im wondering if anyone here has had an extremely difficult time forgiving, even well after the cheating? What I mean by this is, I have seen a shrink now for 3 years, as much as expenses would allow. But the anger inside of me is not going away.

4 years ago my live in boyfriend and I married. Two days later I asked him to leave. I found out he had been seeing someone for a year or so. The cheating was bad enough but what I found out later on was even more difficult to deal with.

1. He denied our marriage. Lied to her about it and even told his coworkers this OW was his actual g/f and not me. I was never invited to work functions. I figure this was his way of keeping his two life styles separate.

2. He never gave her his home phone, home address, in fact he gave her a fake address and she went there only to find out it was a lie. He never lived there...it was some family. He never took her out on the weekends and was home , at night 20 days out of 30. I figure it was a day time, lunch time thing. There were many times he was gone for 3 hour lunches.

3. This is the part that bothers me. This woman hired a PI to sit outside our apt for two weeks. I guess she needed proof, although his behavior should have been proof enough. Non the less I feel my privacy was totally invated. She got my work address, the PI followed me to work. She called telling me she was pregnant. She is my age and pulling this, she was never pregnant.

 

then after about 8 months he called wanting to come back. I was already moving on and said no. She refused to believe this and letters started appearing on my door. I took them to the police. It stopped shortly after that. SHe had frieds calling me at my job, I had my mgr talk to them, it stopped shortly after that. SHe was sure he came back to me. I assured her he tried but I refused to lower myself by taking him back. Now...there were no kids involved, otherwise it makes a difference Im sure. It all depends on the situation.

 

A year ago I received a call from a very upset lady. She wanted to know who I was nad why my cell number was in his cell.

I explained I was his ex, and nothing more. He had called me a few times. She went on to tell me that he said he was dying, that he worked for the US government, that the reason he did not show up for his date one weekend with her was because he was in a car accident for three days in a coma.

Now...I know you are all laffing at this point , because I was as this poor girl was cring when I told her the truth. She called me for weeks very upset and emotionally out of it. She finally got over him. He was angry with me for telling her the truth so I advised himt o tak my numer off his cell.

 

My point is......Im totally weirded out by this whole experience. I feel no trust for anyone. Who knows if the OW was wacky enough to do something, she knew where I lived, she knew where I worked.

 

Im venting. I hope its ok.

I currently am involved with a nice man who , god knows, I hope is normal. But these things haunt me big time. Like Ive said Ive gotten therapy. ANd still do go. But the anger is not going away.

 

I dont believe its the physical cheating but all the weird issues that went with it.

 

Thanks for listening.

[MiChick43]

20 days out of 30

 

 

I meant to say 29 days out of 30 Just an example that this man was hardly ever gone.....

 

sorry

[Athena]

MiChick,

If you are wondering for how long other cheated spouses stay angry; I can tell you that I, too, was angry for a long time after my husband's affairs and lies.

 

I first realized my H was cheating ten years ago, right after a weekend fling he had... while away on a business trip. He cried and said he was sorry. Three years later he cheated again, this time for ten months, then again the following year with someone else on a one night stand, and the following year again with the second woman, and then with another woman for a weekend trip. He works away from home, so it all went undetected, even when I finally got suspicious, he just denied it all for as long as he could.

 

After his admission in the year 2000, I was ANGRY for years... it has taken me up to January this year to have my anger subside. Perhaps the reason why my anger took so long to dissipate is that he went and had yet another affair two years ago... in 2003... and lied even more to try to cover that up... that is what got me so angry: particularly the thought of his previous long term affair, and all his cover-up lies. I started therapy with a psychologist a year and a half ago, and slowly it has helped me, but I think I have come to terms with what he is, and what little one can expect of him in the fidelity department (that is the way he is), so my anger has turned to acceptance of who he is... I feel so much better now that I am not always raging at him, inwardly. This does not mean I will accept any more infidelities, it has allowed me to come to a decision about what I am going to do, should he have any more affairs. It is hard to cut off a person that you love -- it takes time to do this, and in the meantime, you rage about it. I once read that when you feel angry, it is because you have been wronged...

 

I hope this has helped you. I think it is just a matter of time and insight which will eventually give you the freedom from his lies and deceit.

[MiChick43]

Thank you for your response. I am no longer with this man. And I know that he continues to cheat and lie to his current, whoever he is with at the time, girlfriend. I have changed my cell number because Im tired of these women looking through his cell history and calling me.

 

Ive just had a difficult time getting over the freakish, stalk like, behavior of is ex girlfriend. I am completely over him, it was tough because he was the only man I ever really loved. I love my current, but something inside me holds back from a real emotional relationship. ALthough he is patient as heck and understands because he knows my past. But I do not love my ex anymore. Its just the whole situation and drama of it all that has left me angry that I should have been put through that. My personal life was in many of the internet sites because she posted my address/phone and even (I have no clue how) my ss#. I tried to find the pi company that she hired thinking I could sue them. But that was useless as heck.

 

I am sorry you have gone through your situation. It is difficult to leave the one that you love. Please be careful. Im not saying all OW are as nutty as mine, but there are a few that go over the edge.

[Athena]

Wow, your ex's OW certainly had an obsession with you... has she stopped contacting and bothering you now?

 

Sounds like they both deserved each other... him with his lies, her with her obsessive behaviors... now he's moved onto his next victim/s --- has she moved onto his new OW?

[LoveNoLoss]

Athena,

 

If I read your posting correctly, it appears that your husband had 6 affairs??!?! Have you both been in marriage counseling for this? I ask because my husband had 7 affairs in our 8 year marraige.

 

How do you go on with him? Do you think he has remorse for what he did? Do you think that some men are just not cut out for fidelity?

[MiChick43]

I have no clue what she is up to. Nor do I care. If I had the resources back then to go after her legally I would have. No one has the right to invade another persons life like that. Finding out there was a s/o in his life should have been good enough. Knowing what I look like, where I worked and such was beyond weird.

I can assure you though, that he is still online luring in women. It amazes me what some will believe, his lies are so far out there I think he thinks its funny.

 

I have gone to great lengths to avoid him. He knows where my house is. This man worries me a lot. I think he is a bit dangerous. He once said he would find me and kill me. Because I refused to see him. I've kept my current b/f out of the picture , almost totally. I cant say what kind of sick crap my ex would do.

 

What I never understood was when he left and moved in with the OW he did a lot of nasty things to me. I cant figure that out. For example he went into dog sex channels and posted my phone number/address and such. Now......I'm not the one that cheated, he was. Why would he have such anger toward me? Not that it matters. But its all this weird stuff that has caused me to back off from relationships.

 

My current boyfriend is wonderful and tries to give me the security I need, and the space I need at the same time.

[Athena]

LoveNoLoss,

 

You say your husband has had 7 affairs in 8 years? That is very fast-paced, I must say -- has he had affairs before being married to you? Patterns are hard to break...

 

We have been married 19 years, and beginning in our 7th year of marriage my husband had his first affair... Yes, my H has since had several affairs, most of them one night/one weekend affairs with the exception of one woman whom he was with for ten months straight, then he left that workplace, but continued to see her on and off over a period of three years (the idea of him having that relationship was the hardest for me to bear, as the others were purely sexual and brief... not that that is easy to bear either).

 

Interestingly enough, my H was previously married for 6 years -- he told me he had 5 affairs while married to her, but I recently found out from his brother that at the time he was cheating, he had bragged about having had 22 affairs during that first marriage. Anyway, his first wife divorced him when he came clean with her about his 'five' affairs...

 

You ask if he is remorseful? He says he is, but obviously (his) actions speak louder than (his) words... right?

 

Yes -- I definitely think that some people are not cut out to be faithful... for example, some people have sexual addictions, others have low self-esteem and insecurities which drive them to seek out sexual "conquests," others simply cannot withstand temptations... I think my H suffers from all three of these things...

 

How do I go on with him? Well, for starters, I was reeling in shock that it could happen to us, because we had the "perfect" marriage... I loved him very much, and wanted to do whatever it took to safeguard our marriage... yes, I did go see a marriage counselor, but she very quickly told me that it takes two to make a marriage work, and without him regularly attending the sessions -- he says he wont go because he doesn't trust a stranger and worries he will be judged and criticized, plus, he thinks we can 'work it out ourselves'... but he is the one who needs psychotherapy, and here's me going instead... still, individual therapy has given me insight into why I put up with his absence and affairs.

 

As for you -- how do you put up with your husband's unfaithfulness? Have you considered divorce? Do you blame yourself in any way for what his choices were?

[Athena]

MiChick,

 

Your ex sounds dangerous to say the least, and all I can say is well done to you for getting rid of him. Do you consider his threat valid, even after four years have passed?

 

You obviously didn't do anything to deserve either his, or her, weird behavior. There's no sense in why you were singled out as a victim of his lies, or her obsessiveness. What he did was malicious. You cannot hold yourself accountable for his actions, as you did not know he was not 'normal.' Of course the repercussions are that you are more wary and cautious of all people, now that you have seen what some people of capable of.

 

But, time will tell. No person can successfully hide his rotten character over a period of time -- if there is anything wrong with him, a person's character will 'leach' out over time... trust yourself to be a good judge of character.. it took you just two days of marriage to figure him out... others of us spend a lifetime of marriage trying to 'fix' the guy... be thankful you got rid of him. Is there anyway you could move so that he and she don't know where you live?

[Athena]

LoveNoLoss

 

It is hard to know what to do immediately you find out about a betrayal... but over time you see if patterns are repeated, and you can decide what you will, and will not, accept.

 

I think that many serial cheating spouses will continue to cheat, because nothing really bad happens to them... there are no serious consequences.

[MiChick43]

I am moving in with my b/f in a few weeks. He has asked me to marry him, although until I get myself back to normal I wont marry anyone. But this guy is wonderful and I love him a lot. But I refuse to marry until I have lived with him a couple of years.

 

So my ex will not know where I live. Although he is sneaky and creepy enough to figure it out, he knows where I work.

 

He is dangerous. My ex boyfriend had his car tampered with at one time. Something to do with the steering. We figured it was him no one else would do that to him. He had three little girls. I ended our relationship after that. I would have died if anything would have happened to those kids, because of me.

 

I have made police reports. Only to hear that they could not do anything unless he physically touched me or harmed me.

 

His ow has not made contact in a long time. I figure she has gone on with her life. I do not believe they are together because he left her wanting to come back and that is what flipped her out.

 

It s all crazy and I appreciate being able to come here and vent a bit. And your words are so true.