davidromero43 Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 Thank you for all of your responses and especially those that had the wherewith-all to refrain from attacking and actually trying to help. There were some very intelligent and well thought out responses and I appreciate that. I know what I need to do, and I am distancing myself more every day. I know this is not the relationship I should be in. I do love my wife, and I do not want to leave her. I know it is not fair to her and I know I screwed up, badly. It is not because she takes care of me, it is because I love her and can't imagine my life without her. I would die for the woman. Thank you for some very sage advice and helping to confirm what I was feeling. I know that these stories cause a lot of emotion to come out of people, maybe they have been cheated on or hurt by someone like me and it makes them very angry and I get that totally. It was very hard putting this out there for public inspection and ridicule and be careful not to judge until you have walked in someone else's shoes. Thank you a millions times for reading and responding. If you are staying with your wife, don't tell her about the affair. And don't have another. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 I seem to be experiencing some déjà vu here. This The next thread from the OP is about how his wife has found out and all three are now in hell. The OP is still undecided about what he is going to do, searching for answers to questions only he knows the answer to. Too scared to leave, too scared to stay and too scared to make it on his own. The AP is first of all elated, he is coming to her. BUT finds out she has to press him to leave the wife for her, and is distraught when he doesn't. The wife is stoically trying to save what is left of her marriage and protecting her children, but she is deep down bitter, resentful, sad, hurt and angry. Just great... Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 I hope that you can find some more good feeling from your wife so you can experience what it feels like to be happy. I don't recommend confessing though, you'll get none then. If you are staying with your wife, don't tell her about the affair. And don't have another. As if it didn't already suck to be a BS, you'd have his wife get screwed over twice - once when he cheated and again when he made life-altering decisions - ABOUT HER LIFE - while she's kept in the dark. No thank you... Mr. Lucky 6 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 But that's not what he said at all. What he said was that he still does love his wife, and that he made a mistake. And that he needs to get out of the affair situation. Which he should do. And yet he goes no step forward. He only goes further down into the affair. Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 Another thing that stood out to me is the comment that the OP isn't that attracted to the OW. In most exit affairs, the AP is everything the married person wants. The catalyst to get out of an unhappy marriage. I don't see this being the case with the OP. The OW is an ego feed, the "drug of choice". A loving, long lasting relationship doesn't start out as an addiction. This affair needs to end ASAP. OP, again I strongly suggest you work on yourself. You have self-esteem issues. There's something deep inside that's causing you to make these horrible choices. Not only do affairs hurt the BS, they hurt WS too. Affairs are very self destructive. I suggest you end things with the OW now. Do NOT see her this weekend. Make an appointment with a therapist, get your sh*t together, man up, and take responsibility for your actions. This isn't going to be easy, I'm a FWW in R with my H. We are doing fine. I know for a fact it's possible to get through this. I strongly believe if you take the steps I've suggested, you will at least be on your way to living a healthy and honest life. Best of luck! Link to post Share on other sites
starglider Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 OP, You are probably going through a midlife crisis. Here is a website that details the link between an MLC and affairs. It is really written for your spouse and what she can do until you make it through your crisis of self and identity, fantasy and projection. But it will probably be useful to you too because you are clearly looking for answers and some direction. http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/midlife-crisis-and-infidelity/midlife-crisis-resources-at-the-heros-spouse/ Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheOneYouHate Posted May 5, 2015 Author Share Posted May 5, 2015 (edited) So a little update. I went to see my AP. We has a nice weekend and now she is really all over me to move to be with her. I am so confused. There is a big part of me that wants to go, but I know that your advice is true, I need to man up and fix my marriage, even though I may not want to at this moment. Everything is tainted by this other love and it is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. Edited May 5, 2015 by TheOneYouHate Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 Everything is tainted by this other love and it is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. You know what's really hard to do ? Enduring the hurt, pain and anguish over an absolute betrayal by the one person who committed to protect you and who you always thought you could count on. On the difficulty scale, your situation is a "3". Your wife is headed for a "10". So sorry, you don't get much sympathy from me... Mr. Lucky 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheOneYouHate Posted May 5, 2015 Author Share Posted May 5, 2015 I seem to be experiencing some déjà vu here. This The next thread from the OP is about how his wife has found out and all three are now in hell. That wasn't my thread. Link to post Share on other sites
jbrent890 Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 For Gods sake, please your wife. I honestly fail to believe that your APs marriage is as bad as it is. She already lied once about it. This is an escape for both of you, but regardless your wife deserves better. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 That wasn't my thread. She was offering you an example of how situations like yours usually play out. Consider it a visit by the Ghost of Marital Future. TOYH, in your own words, why not tell your wife? What are your worst fears? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheOneYouHate Posted May 5, 2015 Author Share Posted May 5, 2015 She was offering you an example of how situations like yours usually play out. Consider it a visit by the Ghost of Marital Future. TOYH, in your own words, why not tell your wife? What are your worst fears? Mr. Lucky Okay gotcha. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheOneYouHate Posted May 5, 2015 Author Share Posted May 5, 2015 Tired of talking about it. I am not going to respond to anyone else, so you are talking among yourselves. I tried to delete the thread but can't do it. Thanks for reading and take care. Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 it's amazing that you were unimpressed with reading my post but it was spot on the money. Advice still stands. Let your poor wife go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 So a little update. I went to see my AP. We has a nice weekend and now she is really all over me to move to be with her. I am so confused. There is a big part of me that wants to go, but I know that your advice is true, I need to man up and fix my marriage, even though I may not want to at this moment. Everything is tainted by this other love and it is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. Affairs are confusing. If everything is tainted by this other love then why not end things temporarily with your OW so you can sort things out with your wife? By sorting out, I mean start the divorce talk with your wife. If your OW wants to be with then she needs to do the same with her marriage. Time apart without any communication would do both of you a little good IMO. This is a huge life changing decision. It shouldn't be taken lightly. Technically you can't move on if you're still married, right? Neither can your OW. All this talk from her is cheap. You're fence sitting. This is NOT fair to either women. You need to make a choice one way or the other. I saw your post about not wanting to discuss this anymore. I get that, but whether you choose to discuss it or not, nothing will change until you take action. Words mean nothing, action means everything. You will continue to live in limbo and roam the land of confusion until you make a decision and stick to it. Again, I wish you the best! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 So a little update. I went to see my AP. We has a nice weekend and now she is really all over me to move to be with her. I am so confused. There is a big part of me that wants to go, but I know that your advice is true, I need to man up and fix my marriage, even though I may not want to at this moment. Everything is tainted by this other love and it is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. A big part of you wants to go... Have you examined what that part is, and why? You knew that this was likely to happen, so you chose this outcome. Which suggests that "fixing your marriage" isn't exactly winning you over in prospect. I'm guessing that what appeals to you most is getting away, getting out of the space you find yourself in, rather than he OW or the AR itself. It sounds as if this might be your ride out, rather than the ticket to where you've always wanted to be. That's OK too. But recognise that, and be aware that those things that were niggling you about the A and the OW won't go away, and will probably lead to you wanting to escape from that, too. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 I'm guessing that what appeals to you most is getting away, getting out of the space you find yourself in, rather than he OW or the AR itself. It sounds as if this might be your ride out, rather than the ticket to where you've always wanted to be. Here's the little he had to say about his marriage and existing situation: Then reality sits in and I realize that I am going to be leaving everything I own, my wife who is good to me, and would do anything for me. Leave behind children, my job, my life and go to be with someone, that even though I think we might be good together, is an unknown quantity. So, as is often the case, this seems more about him and less about unhappiness with his relationship. Although the usual Catch 22 applies - if he were unhappy to the point where he's looking for his "ride out", how does his wife address a problem she doesn't know exists? It's eerie how many WS follow the same pattern - nurture some inner undisclosed anger/resentment/want/need, look elsewhere for a perceived fix, find the uninformed BS wanting in comparison to the fully disclosed AP. Happens over and over... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 Here's the little he had to say about his marriage and existing situation: So, as is often the case, this seems more about him and less about unhappiness with his relationship. Although the usual Catch 22 applies - if he were unhappy to the point where he's looking for his "ride out", how does his wife address a problem she doesn't know exists? It's eerie how many WS follow the same pattern - nurture some inner undisclosed anger/resentment/want/need, look elsewhere for a perceived fix, find the uninformed BS wanting in comparison to the fully disclosed AP. Happens over and over... Mr. Lucky Yes. I deliberately used "space you're in" rather than "marriage", as the OP has said very little about his M and nothing bad about his wife, leading me to think it's an issue relating to his psychic space rather than the detail of the marriage per se. Something is missing, something which the A - for all its shortcomings - is augmenting. OP needs to identify what that "something" is, and how best to source it. It's clear from his description that the A isn't his dream R, and the OW is not his dream partner - but they are sufficiently alluring to tempt him from the path he admits logically he should be taking - so he needs to explore why that is, and how he can best address it sustainably. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Southern Sun Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 So a little update. I went to see my AP. We has a nice weekend and now she is really all over me to move to be with her. I am so confused. There is a big part of me that wants to go, but I know that your advice is true, I need to man up and fix my marriage, even though I may not want to at this moment. Everything is tainted by this other love and it is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. Ugh, this makes me sick. Can you share your wife's name and contact information so someone can let her know? Jeez. Link to post Share on other sites
familygone Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 What would it be like if you moved in with her?Running through open meadows hand and hand thinking everything is going to be perfect. POOR KIDS Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 It's like you're begging your affair partner to walk over to your wife and tell her everything so she kicks you out and AP has a bigger chance at this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheOneYouHate Posted May 18, 2015 Author Share Posted May 18, 2015 (edited) not in the right place. Edited May 18, 2015 by TheOneYouHate Link to post Share on other sites
fellini Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 (edited) Hmm he moved his post... I am here to tell you a tale of caution, if your spouse is a cheater, has cheated or is still cheating, dump them, do not give them a second chance or even the opportunity. You are absolutely stupid to stay with these types of people. Take it from someone who is a cheater and will probably totally screw up everyone's life around me, we will never change. It is our needy personalities, coupled with the need for validation, low self esteem or whatever the malfunction, we will ruin your life and all the lives of all around us. We do not value you as a spouse or as a person. If you stay with people like us for whatever reason, you are an idiot. It the same as staying in an abusive relationship, you just don't do it. I am warning you, we are liars, we will put on the facade of things being okay in our marriage, just to protect our own lame ass and say that well we just don't want to hurt anyone. We will justify, put aside children, finances, and anything else that gets in our way, we will either **** on or destroy everything that you love and have dreamed of. That is my advice ladies and gentlemen, coming right from the horse's mouth (of a horse's ass), you will never change us, you will never be the same, get the hell out while the getting is good. Go find someone that will love you and be loyal to you, there are good men and women out there that will treat you well and won't pull this crap on you. RUN RUN RUN RUN from us like we are poison !!!!! Edited May 18, 2015 by fellini Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheOneYouHate Posted May 18, 2015 Author Share Posted May 18, 2015 Don't take my advice, I really don't care. It is the way I feel, except or not. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted May 19, 2015 Share Posted May 19, 2015 I actually agree with you on that post. Link to post Share on other sites
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