I met with seperated man

[Hope Shimmers]

He was seperated during our time together and made it seem like he wanted nothing to really do with his ex wife (that is what he referred to her as). The physical part ended for different reasons before he and his wife got back together. He was working on his marriage for over a month before he finally told me the truth, he was leading me on to think everything was ok, and investing in me emotionally. So yes I continued a hot and heavy EA with him while I thought he was still seperated. Once he told me the truth, I just started trying to pull away, which I haven't been that successful at and here I am today.

 

Yes I am very angry at myself first and foremost because I know I was smarter than that.

 

Once his wife sees all the promises he made me, how he made it seem he wanted nothing to do with her and just wanted her to go away in his own words...she can think I'm bitter all she wants but there will be no denying his words and she won't forget he said them.

 

My situation was EXACTLY the same as yours. He was separated when we started dating, and we were together for years before it even became remotely possible that he might go back to his wife. We were even engaged (unbelievable!) and had rented an apartment.

 

I used to get mad and defensive to people who would say "well YOU are a lying cheating OW because you should have left the second you found out he was going back to his W!" The thing is, those people had no clue how it felt to be in my shoes. He didn't just suddenly announce that he was going back to his W. Like your situation, he spent a period of weeks/months lying to both her and me, telling us both that he was "all in" so we would stay right where he wanted us to be. Plus, this was the love of my life - I was SO emotionally invested in our lives, in him, our planned future together. I wanted to believe him. I loved him.

 

People don't understand any of that from the outside - they just see the situation and say "why didn't you leave?" when the reality is SO much more complicated than that.

 

Like you, I eventually did leave. And I was angry and devastated and hurt beyond words. For years. AND I had to accept that I was a lying cheater, as several people here called me (and some still do). That was the really hard part.

 

I don't see myself as a victim though, and I think you need to avoid the victim mentality too. It is true; he lied to you and hurt you. But it is also true that technically, what you did and what I did qualifies as cheating, and I should have somehow found the strength to walk away long before I did. Once you accept your role in this and lose the victim mentality, it will be a lot easier to move and let go of the anger.

 

I also learned the lesson about never dating separated men.

[Lunay]

I have been through the whole separated man thing, and it was a roller coaster of hurt for me and his now ex wife. The worst part is, that in the end she still would have taken him back. He saw it as she must truly love him after all the hurt he put her through. I saw it as a woman with zero self esteem, no self respect, and a need to be taken care of financially (he makes a lot of money).

 

If the wife knows he is a cheat and a liar already then this won't come as a surprise to her. This will either give her that one last push to leave his sorry butt, or it will dig her further into her depth of low self esteem. If that is the case, she will never leave anyway.

[Lunay]

My situation was EXACTLY the same as yours. He was separated when we started dating, and we were together for years before it even became remotely possible that he might go back to his wife. We were even engaged (unbelievable!) and had rented an apartment.

 

I used to get mad and defensive to people who would say "well YOU are a lying cheating OW because you should have left the second you found out he was going back to his W!" The thing is, those people had no clue how it felt to be in my shoes. He didn't just suddenly announce that he was going back to his W. Like your situation, he spent a period of weeks/months lying to both her and me, telling us both that he was "all in" so we would stay right where he wanted us to be. Plus, this was the love of my life - I was SO emotionally invested in our lives, in him, our planned future together. I wanted to believe him. I loved him.

 

People don't understand any of that from the outside - they just see the situation and say "why didn't you leave?" when the reality is SO much more complicated than that.

 

Like you, I eventually did leave. And I was angry and devastated and hurt beyond words. For years. AND I had to accept that I was a lying cheater, as several people here called me (and some still do). That was the really hard part.

 

I don't see myself as a victim though, and I think you need to avoid the victim mentality too. It is true; he lied to you and hurt you. But it is also true that technically, what you did and what I did qualifies as cheating, and I should have somehow found the strength to walk away long before I did. Once you accept your role in this and lose the victim mentality, it will be a lot easier to move and let go of the anger.

 

I also learned the lesson about never dating separated men.

 

Wow. Sounds exactly like what I went through. He couldn't let go, and flip flopped about going back for 2 years!

 

Separated men = STAY AWAY!!!

[ttfn555]

I agree! I thought about telling his wife as well( I don't know her personally but could easily contact her) but I figure let them go ahead and try to reconcile with all of their hidden secrets, lies and contempt for each other. She had an EA that she denies was physical, and he has never told her about me. Punishment enough to be in a marriage like that, who would want that?

 

I have been married before and divorced amicably and can't imagine continuing a marriage like theirs with someone who says they are not in love with me and detests me (MM quotes) and "will have a miserable life" if he stays.

[sandylee1]

It's not just stuff he said about her but how he painted the sitatuion and what he led me to believe and all the promises he made me. He wasn't hateful, he never downed her as a person but he clearly stated more than once that he wanted her to just go away and get her own money so he can go on with his life. Tha's not very nice and yes it would be hurtful.

 

She already knows he is a liar and cheat and has her own proof from the past. I'm not sure what good my info now will do her...but it isn't about her, he is who my anger is directed towards...not his wife. But sadly me exposing everything will probably hurt his wife way more than him...I need to think on that.

 

Another thing to think about. .....could exposing him also harm you?

I've known a BW to make posters /flyers and pin them all around the area the OW lives and at her work place on all the cars there, ,saying your neighbour and employee f***s MM.

 

You'll know he was seperated when you met, but all the others won't and your reputation will be shredded. Your employers could decide the negative publicity isn't worth it. I kid you not this happened and the OW was forced to resign. Tread carefully.

 

The guy is a real piece of work, but he'll get his comeuppance.

[RoseVille]

Another thing to think about. .....could exposing him also harm you?

I've known a BW to make posters /flyers and pin them all around the area the OW lives and at her work place on all the cars there, ,saying your neighbour and employee f***s MM.

 

You'll know he was seperated when you met, but all the others won't and your reputation will be shredded. Your employers could decide the negative publicity isn't worth it. I kid you not this happened and the OW was forced to resign. Tread carefully.

 

The guy is a real piece of work, but he'll get his comeuppance.

 

How could either a WH or OW be *forced* to resign?

[Matahari007]

I get that you're in pain and want him to HURT but it's interesting how you want him to go through hell for years over something you helped instigate. You weren't worried about that when you were involved and his wife possibly finding out. You participated in this affair knowing that it can go any which way. He manipulated you, lied and made promises. Stop acting like a victim and own your part in this. The affair wouldn't of happened without your participation. Stop giving him power and allowing him the satisfaction of knowing that he still pains you in such a way that you want revenge. He's not worth your time or this post. Move forward in your path to healing, letting him go and seeing that this is a lesson learned. Chalk this up to an experience you won't entertain again. He shouldn't be a factor in your life anymore.

I wish you the best moving forward.

[OldRover]

I get that you're in pain and want him to HURT but it's interesting how you want him to go through hell for years over something you helped instigate. You weren't worried about that when you were involved and his wife possibly finding out. You participated in this affair knowing that it can go any which way. He manipulated you, lied and made promises. Stop acting like a victim and own your part in this. The affair wouldn't of happened without your participation. Stop giving him power and allowing him the satisfaction of knowing that he still pains you in such a way that you want revenge. He's not worth your time or this post. Move forward in your path to healing, letting him go and seeing that this is a lesson learned. Chalk this up to an experience you won't entertain again. He shouldn't be a factor in your life anymore.

I wish you the best moving forward.

 

Good post. Agreed, there's NOTHING to gain by telling the man's wife, and could be a lot to loose. Yes, it takes to to have an affair. Very good advise to just move on and put it all behind, out of mind, no contact at all and go on to better things.

[goodgirlgonebad15]

I get that you're in pain and want him to HURT but it's interesting how you want him to go through hell for years over something you helped instigate. You weren't worried about that when you were involved and his wife possibly finding out. You participated in this affair knowing that it can go any which way. He manipulated you, lied and made promises. Stop acting like a victim and own your part in this. The affair wouldn't of happened without your participation. Stop giving him power and allowing him the satisfaction of knowing that he still pains you in such a way that you want revenge. He's not worth your time or this post. Move forward in your path to healing, letting him go and seeing that this is a lesson learned. Chalk this up to an experience you won't entertain again. He shouldn't be a factor in your life anymore.

I wish you the best moving forward.

 

Thank you for the advice but he was seperated and told me he had no intention of getting back with his wife. I didn't instigate anything. I was involved with a man who was promising me that divorce was soon and he had no intention of getting back with his wife. They weren't living together at the time or anything. I had no reason to believe other wise.

[goodgirlgonebad15]

Good post. Agreed, there's NOTHING to gain by telling the man's wife, and could be a lot to loose. Yes, it takes to to have an affair. Very good advise to just move on and put it all behind, out of mind, no contact at all and go on to better things.

 

it wasn't a real affair! That's why I'm so mad at him. He led me to believe that divorce was soon and he was done with his wife. They weren't living together or anything and I have seen plenty of proof that they indeed were not together. It was technically two people dating opnely. I wasn't hidden, I wasn't given stolen hours or moments, he was spending so much time with me and so many peolple had seen us together that's why she was even suspected something.

 

Don't try to lessen my pain by making it seem I chose to have an affair when I did not. As soon as he revealed he had been trying to work on his marriage, I threw my hands up and tried to break away.

[whichwayisup]

It's not just stuff he said about her but how he painted the sitatuion and what he led me to believe and all the promises he made me. He wasn't hateful, he never downed her as a person but he clearly stated more than once that he wanted her to just go away and get her own money so he can go on with his life. Tha's not very nice and yes it would be hurtful.

 

She already knows he is a liar and cheat and has her own proof from the past. I'm not sure what good my info now will do her...but it isn't about her, he is who my anger is directed towards...not his wife. But sadly me exposing everything will probably hurt his wife way more than him...I need to think on that.

 

Do nothing unless you're sure 100%. If you decide to tell her, own your part in the affair, apologize for hurting her, explain that he lied/led you on to believe a truth that wasn't true and you didn't know that he was still married, made it seem like he was on the verge of divorce and living separate lives. don't tell her anonymously, that's not right as it washes your hands of everything. She may want to talk to you and ask you questions...

 

Anyway, I do hope you're able to work through your anger in a healthy way and let go/move on past this. Last thing you want is bitterness and anger in your heart for a long time preventing you from being happy again.

[Sassy Girl]

How could either a WH or OW be *forced* to resign?

 

Happened to my father AND his AP when the APs BH came into their workplace and punched my father in the face. Retail. Customers everywhere.

 

Workplaces don't like personal drama so they give you the option to resign ( to save what little face left) or be fired.

 

Suddenly father had AP and her 4 kids to support and not a job between them. I believe they delivered newspapers for a while ...

[RoseVille]

it wasn't a real affair! That's why I'm so mad at him. He led me to believe that divorce was soon and he was done with his wife. They weren't living together or anything and I have seen plenty of proof that they indeed were not together. It was technically two people dating opnely. I wasn't hidden, I wasn't given stolen hours or moments, he was spending so much time with me and so many peolple had seen us together that's why she was even suspected something.

 

Don't try to lessen my pain by making it seem I chose to have an affair when I did not. As soon as he revealed he had been trying to work on his marriage, I threw my hands up and tried to break away.

 

"Tried"? It sounds like it continued after you found out. Yes?

[RoseVille]

Happened to my father AND his AP when the APs BH came into their workplace and punched my father in the face. Retail. Customers everywhere.

 

Workplaces don't like personal drama so they give you the option to resign ( to save what little face left) or be fired.

 

Suddenly father had AP and her 4 kids to support and not a job between them. I believe they delivered newspapers for a while ...

 

I don't foresee that happening in most white-collar office-like environments, certainly not mine.

 

Outsiders aren't allowed inside the building here, or allowed to just come in in many other places I've worked. If any person came in this building to assault someone, well, they'd be tasered and/or shot.

[I4givehim]

So since going NC, I have been trying to be objective about my whole sitaution. Last night I realized how much I believed everything exMM said. He was seperated when we staretd this and made me alot of promises. So in a very real way, I was lead on and lied to by this man. It makes me so mad that I have started entertaining revenge fantasies on him. But only one sticks out in my mind as totally plausible and justifiable to do to him...gather all my evidence and proof and give it to his wife. I'm sure she won't leave him, that's not my point...but it should cause a nice hell for him to live in for the next 3-5 years. He shoudn't get to go back to his life unscathed after lying to me and using me.

 

The beauty of it all is he would never suspect I would do this. It will totally blindside him...hahaha imagine that...finding out I'm not who he thought I was...sound familiar?

 

Then I think about all the messed up stuff he did to me to try to break me and my self esteem so I would depend on him totally. He would do or say things that had me questioning my own sanity, and then I felt like I NEEDED him to validate that i wasn't crazy or just making stuff up in my head. It was just a crazy messed up cycle.

 

My username is really fitting me...a year ago I wouldn't have contemplated doing any of this...

 

Does the punishment of exposing everything to his wife fit the crime?

Don't tell. It will all come out in due time..... Every dog has their day. KARMA!!!!!

[goodgirlgonebad15]

"Tried"? It sounds like it continued after you found out. Yes?

 

Only emotionally. No seeing each other or none of that. But yes I did still keep in contact, talking to him.

 

I couldn't just rip my feelings away just like that because he blindsided me by getting back with his wife. By the time he finally told I was so confused that it just wasn't that easy.

 

So yes I was weak and continued with him emotionally.

Edited May 6, 2015 by goodgirlgonebad15

[sandylee1]

How could either a WH or OW be *forced* to resign?

 

Because of the negative publicity, she was called in by management. The posters had the company name on and although her private life was her business, it was now bringing in the company. There is a disciplinary offence called 'any action that brings the company into disrepute'

 

With posters saying 'OW name the xx director of xx company name screws married men'

 

The company didn't like it one bit. If she had not resigned she would have had a disciplinary hearing and got fired. That would give her a bad reference and impact on future employment prospects. She had no choice.

[Grapesofwrath]

After reading these boards for the past few months, I see that each situation is unique...and yet they are all alike in some ways. In your case, you were deceived perhaps moreso than other OW, who know the full story while the BW is the one being deceived. So you get the extra bonus of being a betrayed GF and the OW at the same time! No wonder you are full of conflicting feelings

 

I'd suggest just avoiding him and his wife at all costs. His actions show you what kind of man he is. Give this couple a wide berth and work on your healing.

[Sassy Girl]

I don't foresee that happening in most white-collar office-like environments, certainly not mine.

 

Outsiders aren't allowed inside the building here, or allowed to just come in in many other places I've worked. If any person came in this building to assault someone, well, they'd be tasered and/or shot.

 

You asked how people could be forced to resign. I have one example.

 

I can give you a white collar example if you'd like. Happened at my workplace last year. It was so epic everyone is still talking about it 18 months later.

 

We had a top executive having an affair with his executive assistant. I know, cliche right? He was based in one city but traveled a lot to city 2. The assistant lived in city 2.

 

His BW was had a 40th birthday coming up and he decided to throw her a big party. Invited friends and family, and invited his close colleague/ friends from work - the CEO, all the executives and their assistants.

 

The night wore on and it was time for singing happy birthday and cutting the cake. BS made her speech, thanking all the people for coming and for those who'd travelled for the event. At the end of her speech, she said there was some special to thank. She introduced OW, by name, pointed her out and said "you won't be seeing her in my home any more because she's been ****ing my husband for the last 18 months"

 

Total exposure and total humiliation. That man was a respected executive before this, but he lost the respect of everyone in that room that night. Reputations and careers were in tatters. The wife kicked him out and he slunk off to live with OW - which was a different city to his kids. He was made to finish out his projects, but was not offered a role in the company restructure. The man used to walk around like he was bulletproof. He became a shell of himself and would hide in his office not to be seen.

 

My point was not abut the assault. My Point was that you can never predict what a BS will do upon discovery. She could do a flyer drop to all your neighbours, she could send a group email to your work colleagues and attach explicit emails, she could post nude photos on revenge porn sites. Or they could take the news with as much grace and civility as they have and make it clear to yourself just who the better person really is. You. Just. Don't. Know.

 

I'm on the fence with this one. I'm all for inadvertent OW exposing wen they become aware they've been duped.

 

But if you've been enabling the cheating and helped deceive that other person - stay out of it. You've done enough damage, all you'll do is look desperate and vindictive, and you knew he wasn't available so have to suck it up.

 

But this one? Sounds like they're relationship might already be volatile. If you're going to tell, brace for impact.

[GirlStillStrong]

No because I doubt she has a smug smirk on her face. She didn't win a great man and sadly I know she knows it. She was very concerned about me, wanted to know everything about me, sent me messages, stalked my social medias. That level of jealously and insecurity leaves a sick feeling that no amount of smugness or having won can cure. I know because I've been there before and it is the worse feeling.

 

I want to hurt HIM. I want his world turned upside down. I want his wife to give him real consquences...I have said before I know she won't leave and that is not what I want but I at least want her to give him hell for a few years about it...

 

I have learned from harsh experience that even when I want to teach someone a lesson for their own good, it is best for ME to mind my own business. You need to focus your energies and your thoughts on improving your self and your life, not trying to harm someone else or their life. You need to take responsibility for your own decisions and your own behaviors, and stop pointing your finger at him. I am sorry if this sounds harsh; I do not mean a thing here harshly. But while you are stewing in your own vitriol, planning your revenge, he has gone on with his life, with his wife, and you are not taking proper responsibility for or care of yourself. He was separated and as others have pointed out, this is a time of great indecision, confusion, and emotion. You chose to be there for a separated man to lean on during his difficulty. He may have meant every word he said and then changed his mind but was afraid to lose you. That is completely human and understandable. Painting this picture of him in your mind as an evil person is not helping you. Chalk it up to life experience and move on. There are great guys out there waiting to meet you but they can't because you're all wrapped up in some married guy.

[sandylee1]

GGGB15

 

I can understand how angry and hurt you are. You don't sound like a woman who would choose to have an affair, so I really empathise with you. If you feel you have to, contact the BW and let her know you have something to tell her and that you have proof.

 

You can meet in a public place and will answer her questions honestly. Many BW feel the OW is being spiteful, but if you can show you're not, that would be much better.

 

He's a serial cheater and you should be glad he's gone, because it seems like he'd do the same to you. Some MM are never satisfied. They can get love, affection, sex upside down side and inside out and they'd still be looking for more.

 

Just be glad he didn't waste anymore of your time. He's not worth it one bit.

[goodgirlgonebad15]

My situation was EXACTLY the same as yours. He was separated when we started dating, and we were together for years before it even became remotely possible that he might go back to his wife. We were even engaged (unbelievable!) and had rented an apartment.

 

I used to get mad and defensive to people who would say "well YOU are a lying cheating OW because you should have left the second you found out he was going back to his W!" The thing is, those people had no clue how it felt to be in my shoes. He didn't just suddenly announce that he was going back to his W. Like your situation, he spent a period of weeks/months lying to both her and me, telling us both that he was "all in" so we would stay right where he wanted us to be. Plus, this was the love of my life - I was SO emotionally invested in our lives, in him, our planned future together. I wanted to believe him. I loved him.

 

People don't understand any of that from the outside - they just see the situation and say "why didn't you leave?" when the reality is SO much more complicated than that.

 

Like you, I eventually did leave. And I was angry and devastated and hurt beyond words. For years. AND I had to accept that I was a lying cheater, as several people here called me (and some still do). That was the really hard part.

 

I don't see myself as a victim though, and I think you need to avoid the victim mentality too. It is true; he lied to you and hurt you. But it is also true that technically, what you did and what I did qualifies as cheating, and I should have somehow found the strength to walk away long before I did. Once you accept your role in this and lose the victim mentality, it will be a lot easier to move and let go of the anger.

 

I also learned the lesson about never dating separated men.

 

Thank you for this. Yes that is very hard pill to swallow that he was not truly available and what we did in some people's view was cheating. It's just hurts when I never felt like anything other than his girlfriend. This whole OW concept is hard for me to accept but I guess to move on I have to...

[goodgirlgonebad15]

I have learned from harsh experience that even when I want to teach someone a lesson for their own good, it is best for ME to mind my own business. You need to focus your energies and your thoughts on improving your self and your life, not trying to harm someone else or their life. You need to take responsibility for your own decisions and your own behaviors, and stop pointing your finger at him. I am sorry if this sounds harsh; I do not mean a thing here harshly. But while you are stewing in your own vitriol, planning your revenge, he has gone on with his life, with his wife, and you are not taking proper responsibility for or care of yourself. He was separated and as others have pointed out, this is a time of great indecision, confusion, and emotion. You chose to be there for a separated man to lean on during his difficulty. He may have meant every word he said and then changed his mind but was afraid to lose you. That is completely human and understandable. Painting this picture of him in your mind as an evil person is not helping you. Chalk it up to life experience and move on. There are great guys out there waiting to meet you but they can't because you're all wrapped up in some married guy.

 

You are right I need to focus my energy on myself. I don't seek revenge it's not me. I may have played around with ideas in my head from time to time but nothing serious I'd actually consider doing. That fact I actually want to do this is concerning to me. That fact that I could easily do it doesn't make it better.

 

I don't think he is an evil person or satan in the flesh or anything like that. I do think he is a person who used me for his own selfish reasons and lied to me for the good of himself. I gave him plenty of opportunities to tell me the truth and he took none. He only ended up telling me anything because his wife found out something about me. I have no idea what it was, to this day I still don't know what triggered it. But he rushed like fire under his ass to tell me he had to go back, the finances, for the kids blah blah, he had to try, he still cared about me, wished it could be different. He told me it probably wouldn't work. Just a bunch of bs basically.

 

His wife tried to contact me shortly afterwards.

 

I know I'm to blame too, I've said lots of times how I stupid I was and that I really can't believe I believed him. I know I'm smarter than that so please know whatever anger I feel for him, I feel 10x more for myself.

[whichwayisup]

You are right I need to focus my energy on myself. I don't seek revenge it's not me. I may have played around with ideas in my head from time to time but nothing serious I'd actually consider doing. That fact I actually want to do this is concerning to me. That fact that I could easily do it doesn't make it better.

 

I don't think he is an evil person or satan in the flesh or anything like that. I do think he is a person who used me for his own selfish reasons and lied to me for the good of himself. I gave him plenty of opportunities to tell me the truth and he took none. He only ended up telling me anything because his wife found out something about me. I have no idea what it was, to this day I still don't know what triggered it. But he rushed like fire under his ass to tell me he had to go back, the finances, for the kids blah blah, he had to try, he still cared about me, wished it could be different. He told me it probably wouldn't work. Just a bunch of bs basically.

His wife tried to contact me shortly afterwards.

 

I know I'm to blame too, I've said lots of times how I stupid I was and that I really can't believe I believed him. I know I'm smarter than that so please know whatever anger I feel for him, I feel 10x more for myself.

 

What stopped you from telling her when she contacted you? That was an opportunity right there to come clean to her and let her know everything.

[goodgirlgonebad15]

After reading these boards for the past few months, I see that each situation is unique...and yet they are all alike in some ways. In your case, you were deceived perhaps moreso than other OW, who know the full story while the BW is the one being deceived. So you get the extra bonus of being a betrayed GF and the OW at the same time! No wonder you are full of conflicting feelings

 

I'd suggest just avoiding him and his wife at all costs. His actions show you what kind of man he is. Give this couple a wide berth and work on your healing.

 

Yes it's hard to accept I was a OW in some people's eyes when I never felt like anyone other than his girlfriend. Then to be shifted into the role overnight because the jig is up on his end and I couldn't yet let go on my end was the worse. Accepting so much less than what he previously gave. Now he has to be careful because she's onto to him about me. Everything changed and it is an eye opener.