I met with seperated man

[goodgirlgonebad15]

What stopped you from telling her when she contacted you? That was an opportunity right there to come clean to her and let her know everything.

 

Honestly at the time I didn't feel like I owed her an explanation. She had already been stalking my social sites on fake pages and sending me fake emails. I know this isn't right but at the time I was annoyed by her. She was the one who wanted to separate so why was she so concerned if he had moved on? I know that thinking isn't right but I was so emotionally and the last thing I wanted was some woman barging in on my personal life thinking she is allowed to know every detail. She didn't come across as asking me to talk to her, she came across as entitled and demanding to know. It didn't sit well with me at the time or the mind frame I was in.

[GirlStillStrong]

You are right I need to focus my energy on myself. I don't seek revenge it's not me. I may have played around with ideas in my head from time to time but nothing serious I'd actually consider doing. That fact I actually want to do this is concerning to me. That fact that I could easily do it doesn't make it better.

 

I don't think he is an evil person or satan in the flesh or anything like that. I do think he is a person who used me for his own selfish reasons and lied to me for the good of himself. I gave him plenty of opportunities to tell me the truth and he took none. He only ended up telling me anything because his wife found out something about me. I have no idea what it was, to this day I still don't know what triggered it. But he rushed like fire under his ass to tell me he had to go back, the finances, for the kids blah blah, he had to try, he still cared about me, wished it could be different. He told me it probably wouldn't work. Just a bunch of bs basically.

 

His wife tried to contact me shortly afterwards.

 

I know I'm to blame too, I've said lots of times how I stupid I was and that I really can't believe I believed him. I know I'm smarter than that so please know whatever anger I feel for him, I feel 10x more for myself.

But don't you see? You are NOT stupid. You should not be beating up on yourself. Feeling anger toward yourself is not the right thing to do. There is no one to blame because blaming gets you no where but STUCK. You are stuck in negativity and it hurts my heart to know you are suffering. This is a big opportunity for you to grow and mature emotionally. Try to understand he was not what you thought he was. No matter the words that came out of his mouth, he probably panicked when he realized he was going to lose her for good. That is scary to a needy, confused person. And trust me, a married man who seeks out another woman is needy and confused. A man who lies to two women out of fear of losing either or both is really pitiful. You need to forgive yourself, quit beating up on yourself so much. BOTH of you are only human. I think maybe your ego was bruised a little, understandably so. You made a mistake and that's okay. That is life. I hope you see your way through the pain to happier days very soon.

[GirlStillStrong]

Honestly at the time I didn't feel like I owed her an explanation. She had already been stalking my social sites on fake pages and sending me fake emails. I know this isn't right but at the time I was annoyed by her. She was the one who wanted to separate so why was she so concerned if he had moved on? I know that thinking isn't right but I was so emotionally and the last thing I wanted was some woman barging in on my personal life thinking she is allowed to know every detail. She didn't come across as asking me to talk to her, she came across as entitled and demanding to know. It didn't sit well with me at the time or the mind frame I was in.

 

I'm no psychotherapist but what this sounds like to me is a control issue. She thought she was done with him but when she found out you had him, she couldn't handle that. That is why he went back. Men follow women. The only reason she trumps you is because she's his wife and has his kids and half his assets.

[Sassy Girl]

I'm no psychotherapist but what this sounds like to me is a control issue. She thought she was done with him but when she found out you had him, she couldn't handle that. That is why he went back. Men follow women. Huh? If that's the case he could have easily followed OP. That doesn't make sense.

 

The only reason she trumps you is because she's his wife and has his kids and half his assets.

 

Umm that's not right either. This isn't a contest between OP and BS. Or about who "trumps" who. This is about HIM and his lying. It's not BS a fault, so to paint her as some controlling harpy isn't right either. I've kicked my husband out before. And took him back. That's what happens in marriages, especially turbulent ones. That's why you don't date separated men, which is what OP has learnt already through the process.

 

It's not about the wife. It's him.

[Hope Shimmers]

I've kicked my husband out before. And took him back. That's what happens in marriages, especially turbulent ones.

 

Jeez. I don't think that is what happens in marriages usually.

 

Even in mine, which was horrible, there was only one 'kicking out' that I did, and it was permanent.

[Sassy Girl]

Jeez. I don't think that is what happens in marriages usually.

 

Even in mine, which was horrible, there was only one 'kicking out' that I did, and it was permanent.

 

Well clearly you're much better at this marriage gig than I am.

 

I said *some* marriages... ESPECIALLY turbulent ones...sheesh.

[Hope Shimmers]

Well clearly you're much better at this marriage gig than I am.

 

I said *some* marriages... ESPECIALLY turbulent ones...sheesh.

 

Sheesh backatcha.

 

You said and I quote: "That's what happens in marriages, especially turbulent ones."

 

But it's all good. I was horrible at the marriage gig and I freely admit it.

[Sassy Girl]

Sheesh backatcha.

 

You said and I quote: "That's what happens in marriages, especially turbulent ones."

 

But it's all good. I was horrible at the marriage gig and I freely admit it.

 

Lol - I stand corrected. Well I obviously didn't mean ALL marriages. No biggie I'll wear that one.

 

I'll even concede the point it didn't happen in YOUR marriage.

 

It did, however, happen in your MMs marriage, so clearly it does happen. Often enough that your own advice was not to date separated men.

 

That's all I'm saying.

Glad we had this chat.

Edited May 7, 2015 by Sassy Girl

[sandylee1]

She was the one who wanted to separate so why was she so concerned if he had moved on? I

 

You only have his word that she wanted to seperate and the separation could have been for some space after he cheated, not for him to go and get another AP.

 

If he lied to his wife throughout the affairs, why don't you believe he could be lying to you about other things?

[goodgirlgonebad15]

You only have his word that she wanted to seperate and the separation could have been for some space after he cheated, not for him to go and get another AP.

 

If he lied to his wife throughout the affairs, why don't you believe he could be lying to you about other things?

 

She confirmed it herself in her messages to me. She moved out. Moved her stuff out and everything. I agree that it is possible the seperation was for space and not neccessarily divorce. But I also believe based on his wife's actions, that she left him in hopes he would chase after her. He did not. He showed me messages from her wondering why he wasn't sad like she was or putting in effort. He instead spent his time pursuing me, when she discovered this, then she wanted him back. To be precise, they were talking once and she asked him if he was seeing anyone and he told her honestly that he had been spending time with me but wouldn't go into detail. According to my timeline, everything went downhill after this convo between them.

 

Another issue for her, was that his previous affairs I guess were just one night stand's, so our friendship really bothered her.

 

I completely agree he could be lying about everything, I haven't ruled that out, But some stuff I have seen for myself and his wife has said out her own mouth. I believe if you use seperation as a manipulation, can you really cry foul? And demand to know another person's business.

 

He thinks that what happened between us is none of her business and refuses to tell her anything. Which is why she came to me.

[goodgirlgonebad15]

Umm that's not right either. This isn't a contest between OP and BS. Or about who "trumps" who. This is about HIM and his lying. It's not BS a fault, so to paint her as some controlling harpy isn't right either. I've kicked my husband out before. And took him back. That's what happens in marriages, especially turbulent ones. That's why you don't date separated men, which is what OP has learnt already through the process.

 

It's not about the wife. It's him.

 

I have done this too with a past boyfriend and I can say it was the most unhealthy thing ever in a relationship. It's a form of maniupaltion to constantly be kicking your spouse out or threathening to kick them out.

 

Then people learn that this behavior gets them what they want so they keep doing. "Oh you're not going to take the trash out tonight?? Get the hell out my house" I promise this where that type of thing leads.

[goodgirlgonebad15]

I'm no psychotherapist but what this sounds like to me is a control issue. She thought she was done with him but when she found out you had him, she couldn't handle that. That is why he went back. Men follow women. The only reason she trumps you is because she's his wife and has his kids and half his assets.

 

I would change that to men follow the path of least resistance. In my case I am still pretty young, getting my career going, going back to school. Who really knows if he was the guy I was supposed to end up with anyway? Who knows if he had gotten divorced I would be with him, he is like 10 years older than me. He stated this type of thing several times so I know that is what he thought. I think the unknown can really scare a man sometimes. His wife on the other hand, was willing to come running back, scared to lose him to another woman, that probably boosted him and made him feel safe. I don't think I made him feel safe.

[goodgirlgonebad15]

But don't you see? You are NOT stupid. You should not be beating up on yourself. Feeling anger toward yourself is not the right thing to do. There is no one to blame because blaming gets you no where but STUCK. You are stuck in negativity and it hurts my heart to know you are suffering. This is a big opportunity for you to grow and mature emotionally. Try to understand he was not what you thought he was. No matter the words that came out of his mouth, he probably panicked when he realized he was going to lose her for good. That is scary to a needy, confused person. And trust me, a married man who seeks out another woman is needy and confused. A man who lies to two women out of fear of losing either or both is really pitiful. You need to forgive yourself, quit beating up on yourself so much. BOTH of you are only human. I think maybe your ego was bruised a little, understandably so. You made a mistake and that's okay. That is life. I hope you see your way through the pain to happier days very soon.

 

Thank you for this. I am hoping so soon. This Sunday will be 1 month NC, unless you count that stupid fake page that liked my pics. But I have not reached out in anyway shape or form, I haven't visited any of his social sites, aside from determining the fake page was him. I haven't spoken a word to him.

 

He is needy and confused, and when I can put my anger and hurt to the side long enough to think clearly, I can see he is not someone I would want for a long term partner. He is very needy and clingy, he is very insecure and jealous, he feels the need to control to feel any type of power. He is also 10 years older, has chronic health conditions he doesn't take care of very well so it's only a matter of years before he starts going downhill (I HATE to say that but it is true, he doesn't take good care of his health conditions). Probably dodged a bullet...

[Sassy Girl]

I have done this too with a past boyfriend and I can say it was the most unhealthy thing ever in a relationship. It's a form of maniupaltion to constantly be kicking your spouse out or threathening to kick them out.

 

Then people learn that this behavior gets them what they want so they keep doing. "Oh you're not going to take the trash out tonight?? Get the hell out my house" I promise this where that type of thing leads.

 

Yeah, I said I kicked him out once. Not constantly. And with all due respect, you know none of he details, so you'd be wrong on this account.

 

Sometimes people cross boundaries - serious boundaries - and you run out of options.

 

People and relationships are complicated. You cant put everyone into a box.

[goodgirlgonebad15]

Yeah, I said I kicked him out once. Not constantly. And with all due respect, you know none of he details, so you'd be wrong on this account.

 

Sometimes people cross boundaries - serious boundaries - and you run out of options.

 

People and relationships are complicated. You cant put everyone into a box.

 

Are you referring to your own personal sitaution? Because I was speaking in general. I don't know details and never asked for them.

 

Isn't this what divorce is for?

[Lunay]

I am just wondering - what do you want the outcome to be?

[sandylee1]

I would change that to men follow the path of least resistance. In my case I am still pretty young, getting my career going, going back to school. Who really knows if he was the guy I was supposed to end up with anyway? Who knows if he had gotten divorced I would be with him, he is like 10 years older than me. He stated this type of thing several times so I know that is what he thought. I think the unknown can really scare a man sometimes. His wife on the other hand, was willing to come running back, scared to lose him to another woman, that probably boosted him and made him feel safe. I don't think I made him feel safe.

 

The more you say about him and yourself, I just KNOW you can do so much better. The guy has ONS again and again. Do you think he wouldn't do that to you?

 

10 years isn't a massive gap, but this guy feels entitled to sleeping around. The only thing you'll get from him is an std. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

 

You on the other hand, can move on knowing that he's not a man of integrity and you deserve way more than he can offer .

[goodgirlgonebad15]

I am just wondering - what do you want the outcome to be?

 

I am not sure which outcome you are referring to...the one for myself, in the long term? Or the outcome if I choose to take revenge on him?

 

You know what right now, I have no idea what I want the outcome to be. I'm conflicted. I want my revenge, I also want to move on and live a happy, healthy life. Somehow I feel that knowing he is living in discord, even if just for a short time, would help me get over him. I know that thinking is flawed. It seems so unfair to go through pain that literally leaves you feeling sick and they just skip on home. You wonder where the karma is and if it even exists.

[Lunay]

I am not sure which outcome you are referring to...the one for myself, in the long term? Or the outcome if I choose to take revenge on him?

 

You know what right now, I have no idea what I want the outcome to be. I'm conflicted. I want my revenge, I also want to move on and live a happy, healthy life. Somehow I feel that knowing he is living in discord, even if just for a short time, would help me get over him. I know that thinking is flawed. It seems so unfair to go through pain that literally leaves you feeling sick and they just skip on home. You wonder where the karma is and if it even exists.

 

Unfortunately revenge only really helps you in the short term, if at all. It may feel good in the moment but in the end it doesn't make you feel any better. Trust me, I know.

He definitely deserves to be hit by the karma bus, but in your situation it's probably better to have the best kind of revenge; living happily and moving on. I know it sounds like a dud, but believe me, when he is sitting there in his unhappy marriage filled with lies and distrust, he will be trying to stalk you on social media and seeing what is going on in your life... And when he does that, and sees how happy you are, it will kill him inside...and that thought alone, should put a huge smile on your face.

[GirlStillStrong]

Umm that's not right either. This isn't a contest between OP and BS. Or about who "trumps" who. This is about HIM and his lying. It's not BS a fault, so to paint her as some controlling harpy isn't right either. I've kicked my husband out before. And took him back. That's what happens in marriages, especially turbulent ones. That's why you don't date separated men, which is what OP has learnt already through the process.

 

It's not about the wife. It's him.

I never said it was a contest. You can choose to look at it any way you like but IMO it is best to try to gain understanding of the dynamics between people than to say he was a lying bastard and he needs to be punished or taught a lesson. It is my OPINION that men DO follow women. And yes, they DO normally go back to their wives no matter what occurs or how they feel about the OW. It is not personal against the OW. He made a mistake. He made plenty of mistakes. Being angry about it doesn't help anyone, and most certainly not OP. If you want to make your life about someone else, feel free. But I choose to make my life about ME and MY decisions, my own side of the street.

[GirlStillStrong]

Thank you for this. I am hoping so soon. This Sunday will be 1 month NC, unless you count that stupid fake page that liked my pics. But I have not reached out in anyway shape or form, I haven't visited any of his social sites, aside from determining the fake page was him. I haven't spoken a word to him.

 

He is needy and confused, and when I can put my anger and hurt to the side long enough to think clearly, I can see he is not someone I would want for a long term partner. He is very needy and clingy, he is very insecure and jealous, he feels the need to control to feel any type of power. He is also 10 years older, has chronic health conditions he doesn't take care of very well so it's only a matter of years before he starts going downhill (I HATE to say that but it is true, he doesn't take good care of his health conditions). Probably dodged a bullet...

So glad you can see these things about him. Getting all of the attention I'm sure he was getting from you probably made him feel pretty good inside. But you are right, dodged a bullet, because second marriages have even higher divorce rates than first marriages (75% as opposed to 50%).

[GirlStillStrong]

The best revenge is a life well-lived. Soon he will be a distant memory. Good things are waiting for you right around the corner. Do not let the negativity and anger hold you back. You have your entire life ahead of you! Whatever you think about most of the time is what you attract into your life. Think good thoughts. Be grateful for all life has to offer.

[goodgirlgonebad15]

The more you say about him and yourself, I just KNOW you can do so much better. The guy has ONS again and again. Do you think he wouldn't do that to you?

 

10 years isn't a massive gap, but this guy feels entitled to sleeping around. The only thing you'll get from him is an std. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

 

You on the other hand, can move on knowing that he's not a man of integrity and you deserve way more than he can offer .

 

Thank you. I'm sure he would cheat on me too, I do not think I am exempt from that.

 

It's so weird how you can truly know all these distasteful things about a person logically but still miss them emotionally. I think some of my anger comes from even though I have all this anger for him, I still miss him. I am mad because I feel like I'm weak to still miss him. I know for a fact I do not want to be with a person like him.

[goodgirlgonebad15]

Unfortunately revenge only really helps you in the short term, if at all. It may feel good in the moment but in the end it doesn't make you feel any better. Trust me, I know.

He definitely deserves to be hit by the karma bus, but in your situation it's probably better to have the best kind of revenge; living happily and moving on. I know it sounds like a dud, but believe me, when he is sitting there in his unhappy marriage filled with lies and distrust, he will be trying to stalk you on social media and seeing what is going on in your life... And when he does that, and sees how happy you are, it will kill him inside...and that thought alone, should put a huge smile on your face.

 

Thank you. Yes, the satisfaction will be short lived, but it will feel like the score is even.

 

He already is stalking my social medias. I have nothing but happy, smiling pictures of me living my life, I went out of town the other weekend. I don't post any sad stuff, or anything hinting to any mention of the past. I heard somewhere that you have to fake it until you make it.

[velvette]

Thank you. I'm sure he would cheat on me too, I do not think I am exempt from that.

 

It's so weird how you can truly know all these distasteful things about a person logically but still miss them emotionally. I think some of my anger comes from even though I have all this anger for him, I still miss him. I am mad because I feel like I'm weak to still miss him. I know for a fact I do not want to be with a person like him.

 

Welcome to the human race. What you are describing is a fairly normal reaction to losing any relationship where there is a connection or investment of some type, especially emotional. It happens in all sorts of relationships, not just romantic ones.

 

 

Your feelings are your feelings and you should give some time and space to just feeling them and processing them alone without dragging other people into the chaos of your feelings.

 

 

But, you should also limit the time and space you give to your feelings and pay attention to what your rational brain is telling you. The path to healing lies primarily in listening to your rational brain and pursuing healthy remedies to your pain. That combined with the passing of time which allows the emotions and feelings of loss to subside is what will get you to where you need to be.

 

 

If you feel stuck and consumed by your emotions and unable to proceed forward on the path your rational brain is showing you, then its possibly time to seek professional assistance to do that.