I met with seperated man

[goodgirlgonebad15]

So since going NC, I have been trying to be objective about my whole sitaution. Last night I realized how much I believed everything exMM said. He was seperated when we staretd this and made me alot of promises. So in a very real way, I was lead on and lied to by this man. It makes me so mad that I have started entertaining revenge fantasies on him. But only one sticks out in my mind as totally plausible and justifiable to do to him...gather all my evidence and proof and give it to his wife. I'm sure she won't leave him, that's not my point...but it should cause a nice hell for him to live in for the next 3-5 years. He shoudn't get to go back to his life unscathed after lying to me and using me.

 

The beauty of it all is he would never suspect I would do this. It will totally blindside him...hahaha imagine that...finding out I'm not who he thought I was...sound familiar?

 

Then I think about all the messed up stuff he did to me to try to break me and my self esteem so I would depend on him totally. He would do or say things that had me questioning my own sanity, and then I felt like I NEEDED him to validate that i wasn't crazy or just making stuff up in my head. It was just a crazy messed up cycle.

 

My username is really fitting me...a year ago I wouldn't have contemplated doing any of this...

 

Does the punishment of exposing everything to his wife fit the crime?

[Popsicle]

I wouldn't do it. He's already living in a sort of hell. Its more gratifying to get to a place where you have no feeling left for him (thanks to his actions) and you reject him.

[goodgirlgonebad15]

I wouldn't do it. He's already living in a sort of hell. Its more gratifying to get to a place where you have no feeling left for him (thanks to his actions) and you reject him.

 

You are right and that is exactly the place I want to be. Maybe I'm just going through the anger phase right now but I'm so sick of how everything these MM touch gets destroyed and they just skip on home like nothing happened...sometimes people need their comeuppance....

[Wondering33]

I've read this a lot here. IMO, telling the wife doesn't help at all, what's is it going to do? You don't know what her reaction is going to be. What if she looks at you & doesn't believe you or says your crazy for contacting her, then that's going to upset you more & you most likely will begin to act crazy. The last you want is to bring outside attention to yourself, do you really want to be talked about? Feel all the pain that comes from this, be happy he's not your problem\husband & walk away knowing you're a better person. Why stoop to a douchebag level, leave that to him.

[Popsicle]

You are right and that is exactly the place I want to be. Maybe I'm just going through the anger phase right now but I'm so sick of how everything these MM touch gets destroyed and they just skip on home like nothing happened...sometimes people need their comeuppance....

 

But you are spending too much time thinking about him and what he's doing than focusing on yourself and your healing process. Focusing on things you can do (that don't have anything to do with him at all) to move you into a better place emotionally is what will help you most.

[goodgirlgonebad15]

I've read this a lot here. IMO, telling the wife doesn't help at all, what's is it going to do? You don't know what her reaction is going to be. What if she looks at you & doesn't believe you or says your crazy for contacting her, then that's going to upset you more & you most likely will begin to act crazy. The last you want is to bring outside attention to yourself, do you really want to be talked about? Feel all the pain that comes from this, be happy he's not your problem\husband & walk away knowing you're a better person. Why stoop to a douchebag level, leave that to him.

 

You are right, I don't know what her reaction will be but I do know she will believe it. She already suspected stuff between us and tried to contact me after they got back together. And the evidence I have is pretty damning proof...really no way to lie or deny....unless he has a twin neither one of us know about...

 

I want to be a better person and I don't want to stoop to his level but damn I am tired of messed up people getting away with messed up stuff all the time. It really does seem like good and nice people finish last...always.

[Josmatjes]

Listen, you want to move on but I think I would let her know. What he did was awful! I say do it!!

[eye of the storm]

Revenge fantasies are fine. And they have their place in the healing process. But for me, I could not truly heal and move on until I got to a place where I didn't care what happened to him. He became unimportant to me.

 

And as long as you focus on what happens to him, his punishment, how he feels, how his wife feels...you are connected to him and you are controlled by him.

 

Take back your power and put him where he belongs, in the past.

 

Good luck and peace.

[Southern Sun]

One thing I've come to realize is that with very manipulative people, they will never, ever admit their wrongdoing, even to themselves. So even if you blew everything up and dropped this on his wife, you will not get the satisfaction you really want - and that is HIM finally coming to grips with what he really did to you. In fact, more than likely he will find a way to use you doing that against you, making you out to be a crazy person, saying "See, I TOLD you she was a mess!" They will never find the empathy down deep in their souls. They can never be humble enough. There is just too much ego, too much pride. All it will do is make you more angry, more hurt.

 

If your motive is to make him pay, make him feel, make him SEE - you probably never will. It sucks, but some people just...really suck.

[RoseVille]

Revenge fantasies are fine. And they have their place in the healing process. But for me, I could not truly heal and move on until I got to a place where I didn't care what happened to him. He became unimportant to me.

 

And as long as you focus on what happens to him, his punishment, how he feels, how his wife feels...you are connected to him and you are controlled by him.

 

Take back your power and put him where he belongs, in the past.

 

This!! This is true in every breakup, and especially in those where the guy was a jerk!

 

Plus, there's always the risk that in exposing him, her wrath could hurt you even more - destroy you, your self-esteem, your reputation. And why cause her that pain?

 

Not worth it, at all.

[goodgirlgonebad15]

This!! This is true in every breakup, and especially in those where the guy was a jerk!

 

Plus, there's always the risk that in exposing him, her wrath could hurt you even more - destroy you, your self-esteem, your reputation. And why cause her that pain?

 

Not worth it, at all.

 

I really wouldn't be causing her pain. She has caught him cheating before, probably why they seperated and she already suspects something between us. Maybe this will help her in a way to let him go...he really deserves to be alone.

[goodgirlgonebad15]

One thing I've come to realize is that with very manipulative people, they will never, ever admit their wrongdoing, even to themselves. So even if you blew everything up and dropped this on his wife, you will not get the satisfaction you really want - and that is HIM finally coming to grips with what he really did to you. In fact, more than likely he will find a way to use you doing that against you, making you out to be a crazy person, saying "See, I TOLD you she was a mess!" They will never find the empathy down deep in their souls. They can never be humble enough. There is just too much ego, too much pride. All it will do is make you more angry, more hurt.

 

If your motive is to make him pay, make him feel, make him SEE - you probably never will. It sucks, but some people just...really suck.

 

Thank you. I know he will never have empathy for my feelings or what he did to me. of course that is part of the motive, I want him to feel what I feel. But I would be happy with his life being hell, like his freedom gone because his wife is watching his every move, maybe she will tell their family and friends, further embarassing him and letting people know he is not a nice or good person, maybe she will tell the kids and they will lose respect for him, maybe he will have to suffer her wrath and be reminded what a low life cheater he is everyday for the rest of his life or their marriage. I'd be good with all that.

 

Hopefully this anger phase will pass soon because that idea is really tempting to me...

[Hope Shimmers]

Sounds like you and I had the same ex-MM.

 

I understand anger and wanting to lash out when people you love hurt you, but doing that only serves to hurt innocent people.

 

You are angry, and justifiably so, but find less destructive ways to vent that anger. Stooping to his level and hurting others for revenge will ultimately make you feel worse, as you will have compromised your own character and self-respect to go that route. Don't stoop to his level.

[lookingforclosure]

telling her is not going to change what he did to you and how bad he's made you feel...it may temporarily, but in the long run if you are truly a good person and different from xMM than it will cause you pain knowing you did something to deliberately hurt another. My xMM wife knew somewhat about me, his family knows and his church...and guess what, she's still there. Nothing I could do will change that. And I agree with Southern, he probably doesn't have it in him to feel any empathy for you or his W. And he probably would turn it around on you.

 

Have the fantasy...but let it be. Be the bigger person, it's a struggle believe me I KNOW. But i'm happier with myself that I didn't stoop to being a person I truly am not

[goodgirlgonebad15]

Thanks everyone...no I don't truly want to hurt the innocent people, I would def feel bad in the long run for that. But being away is making me see everything and I'm so mad at him. I am mad that he emotionally manipulated and abused me, and that I didn't see it for what it was at the time. He wanted to control and dominate me but I thought it was all love. He would totally trash my self esteem and then build it back up to extreme heights all in the same conversation. I am told that I am a very attractive woman and exMM always saw me as out of his league or not good enough for me so he tore at my self esteem to break me down. It worked too. I didn't even realize what he was doing.

 

An example is when I wasn't ready to have sex with him, he would text me something to the extent of "There are all these girls running around in booty shorts, I need to get some", that would hurt me so bad but I would put on the poker face and say something back like "well go talk to one". I would never show him how bad he made me feel...almost instantly he would respond with " no no no I only want you, those other girls aren't good enough, you are the only one I want". he would make comments that I was too skinny and then as soon as I agreed and wanted to work on myself, he would rush to tell me I'm beautiful the way I am, why would I ever want to change anything? Crazy making things. One time I texted him because it was thundering really bad and tried to convince me I was high and hearing things.

 

He did this type of thing daily to me, knock me down low and then coming running to boost me back up. He made me feel bad and good all at once and all the time. I feel sick by it all now. Now hindsight tells me the only reason for any of that was to make me jealous and insecure,to make me depend on him that I was ok...It makes me so mad now, I just want him to hurt like I am...

[lookingforclosure]

And I want my xMM to hurt like I do too...but in reality, they never really do

Even my therapist said so...he's probably not living this grand life that I think he is in my mind, but to feel the hurt and anguish of someone tossing you to the side like unwanted leftovers...no my xMM will never feel that type of pain

Not unless his W kicks his sorry tail out, lol

[norudder]

I've given this some thought too and I've been where you are. First I wanted to tell out of hurt and anger then out of guilt. My advice is to just sit with the feeling for a little bit. I channeled the anger into motivation to do things to make my life better, "f**k you that's why" was my motto but then even that made me feel bad because he was still part of it and I wanted the good things I was doing to have a positive energy and didn't want him to have anything to do with my new self. He deserves none of the credit.

 

I still think about telling her sometimes but I still have an emotional stirring when I think about it, which I haven't identified yet, so I know its not right. I started writing the letter and every line I wrote my conscience was saying why, what's the point, to what end?

 

I've decided to hold the draft for the few years he said they are biding time for (kids in hs). Why ruin their high school years with parents fighting and if he was telling the truth then he will divorce and/or come clean(I don't want to be with him, he should be alone) and if he doesn't then she will be at a crossroads about continuing her M or not and should know the truth about who she's continuing with. It would be about her, and the truth, not him. Or I truly will have completely moved on and not care one speck one way or the other.

 

Just writing the letter and knowing it was there helped me though.

[norudder]

You are right, I don't know what her reaction will be but I do know she will believe it. She already suspected stuff between us and tried to contact me after they got back together. And the evidence I have is pretty damning proof...really no way to lie or deny....unless he has a twin neither one of us know about...

 

I want to be a better person and I don't want to stoop to his level but damn I am tired of messed up people getting away with messed up stuff all the time. It really does seem like good and nice people finish last...always.

 

 

You don't want to be that person yet you do. Same thing as most affairs in general, we don't want to be doing what we are yet we do it. Make your actions follow who you want to be and the good feelings from that are much more rewarding than making actions follow feelings. Its not easy.

[GirlStillStrong]

Having the anger at him is fine just don't let it consume you. It's better to turn it outward than inward, because inward would be depression. Just be aware that as long as you hang onto the anger, he still has a hold on you. The next step is not revenge. The next step is forgiveness. You can google forgiveness for tips on how to get there. Belief in a higher power or assistance from a minister or other clergy may also be helpful in this regard. Don't let a manipulative cheater turn you into an angry, cynical, depressed person. Seek the Light; don't settle into Darkness.

[whichwayisup]

Best revenge is keep those thoughts fantasy and try to move on with your life. Speak to a therapist to help you rid of the anger and to forgive yourself for falling for his lies. He obviously was good at it and is a manipulator.

 

Vent it out, write him letters but don't ever send them, for your eyes only.

[FusionCutter]

“He who seeks vengeance must dig two graves: one for his enemy and one for himself.”

 

Become a better person. Get up and move on.

 

"I just want him to hurt like I am" It's not worth it. Walk away from the drama and hurt and focus on healing yourself.. that is, unless of course you like the drama.

[Grapesofwrath]

I can totally relate to this feeling, and posted about it a few weeks ago. I think it's something that many of us go through. One more reason to consider as to why NOT to do this: You will come off looking like the "bunny boiler," jilted, unstable xOW. Even if that is not how it went down, that's how he'll spin it. Total revisionist history. This will just make you angrier and in the process you lose your dignity.

 

In the long run, you will feel better for having not done this.

[norudder]

I can totally relate to this feeling, and posted about it a few weeks ago. I think it's something that many of us go through. One more reason to consider as to why NOT to do this: You will come off looking like the "bunny boiler," jilted, unstable xOW. Even if that is not how it went down, that's how he'll spin it. Total revisionist history. This will just make you angrier and in the process you lose your dignity.

 

In the long run, you will feel better for having not done this.

 

I think this is very important. I think so much of it is lost in an A for most (not all) and some of the anger is about that loss and wanting to reclaim it. Its a mistake to think telling will do anything positive or give any restitution. As you said, just the opposite.

[Josmatjes]

I really wouldn't be causing her pain. She has caught him cheating before, probably why they seperated and she already suspects something between us. Maybe this will help her in a way to let him go...he really deserves to be alone.

 

It's not that he deserves to be alone, but that she deserves someone who truly loves her. She deserves a life. People like him are survivors and they will tell everyone a sob story and spin it to their liking.

I know I told you to tell her, but the truth is that she may know and chooses to turn a blind eye...it's sad...

[eye of the storm]

I just want him to hurt like I am...

 

That is the issue. There is no way for you to hurt him like you hurt. He would have to care. He doesn't.

 

And wanting to hurt him keeps you tied to him.

 

After my divorce I hated my ExH. Thought about him all the time, how to hurt him, how to make him look bad, you name it I spent HOURS daily thinking about it. Then I realized I didn't have any time in my life for the good stuff, or for me, because I was spending it all on him and my hate. I finally let it go. I am happier, I am more at peace, I am no longer tied to him. I didn't do it for him, I did it for me.

 

You deserve the peace and calmness. He can't give it to you. Only you can do this.