Poppy Posted April 23, 2005 Share Posted April 23, 2005 My husband and i agreed to a divorce last August after being separated 18 months before that, it was my decision. I put my husband through hell due to past issues which needed dealing with and when he came and said he thought divorce was the way to go, he told me he loved me but wasn't in love with me. What the hell does that mean. We've been married for 33 years now and happily before this mid life crisis came along. I immediately regretted my acceptance of the divorce and told him i didn't want it but he had already gone and had been seeing another woman behind my back for the previous 6 months. They've now been together for almost a year, nothing has changed, they still live in their separate homes, he says she makes him happy and how can he dump her just because i now want him back. He won't believe i was mentally ill with severe depression for the past 2 years, even though i ended up with a nervous breakdown. I am now well on the way to being a whole new me, without the ghosts and would dearly love to be given the chance for a reconciliation with my husband but he wants me and him to be friends for now. We meet up every Saturday afternoon to spend time with our grandchildren and take them out as we always used to do before the troubles started. He insists that we do it for the grandchildren and he's always saying, let's be friends for now and who knows!! who knows what for god's sake. I feel in utter limbo?????????????? Link to post Share on other sites
Marshbear Posted April 24, 2005 Share Posted April 24, 2005 I would say he is dictating your relationship and if you want to be part of it ( friends or otherwise ) you will have to go along. I don't see you having to many options and I wouldn't try to push him. Just be a friend and see where it leads... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Poppy Posted April 24, 2005 Author Share Posted April 24, 2005 Thanks Marshbear for your reply. I do see that he is very much in control of 'us' now and that there isn't much i can do about it. There are times when i feel so hurt by what he is doing and by what i did when i first told him 'you would be better off without me' right out of the blue and then proceeded to purchase my own place and saddle him with a mortgage. I have to constantly remind myself i was suffering an illness which i'd kept locked away and hidden for far too many years and i was like a vulcano ready to burst which is absolutely what i did. He did stay loyal to me as nothing much changed apart from our living in two separate houses. I used to go and stay at his at the week ends and he used to come to my flat for meals and sometimes stay. However we never mentioned our emotions and what was going on inside. I was still running and not knowing from what and he was trying to hold on to his marriage. We've had a couple of 'talks' which always end up with him saying' i can't just dump her' and 'you must have known what you were doing' and with me usually getting very emotional and frustrated and saying things like oh well we might as well go our own ways now then. We've both flung the divorce word at each other on several occasions and even though he could get one very easily at any time on the grounds of 'unreasonable behaviour' due to my having upt and left 2 1/2 years ago, he says he's in no rush as he will never marry again. Surely if we are over, it is best to just get on with sorting out our financial and emotional lives. I keep as pleasant as i can for these Saturdays but they are really hard on me. I have told him this several times but he always comes back with 'let's try for the grandchildren' He doesn't give me any straws to hang onto, in fact he is very careful not to touch me, apart from always giving me a kiss directly on the mouth after our Saturday afternoons out together!! I get on with the process of working through my psa and ocd and depression and with the aid of countless therapists and hospitalisation as well as a good all round team of people who have brought me back from the brink, i feel i am at last a person who is worthy of being loved and a person with rights and a heart of gold. Thanks for your time Marshbear, i will continue to hang on in here, carry on with my life and see what happens............................. Take care from Poppy Link to post Share on other sites
suegail Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 It's really hard, after you've been burned, so to speak, and from what you've said, he did get burned. And you've had quite a bit of time apart which he may have found to be a blessed relief in some ways. I agree with Marshbear, give him some time and don't push him because if he can see you in a new light, more easy to be with, more relaxed and feeling better about life, the time may come when he'll feel he can try again, because it sounds as if he values the family ties. If you press him and make demands for his decision at this point it may just push him away more. I wouldn't do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Poppy Posted April 25, 2005 Author Share Posted April 25, 2005 Thanks Suegail - i know you're right as hard as it is, i just have to sit this out and hope he gives me a chance one day. For the person going through the mental illness, there is only one person on your mind and that is you and what you are going through. At that time, i hadn't been diagnosed with ocd or depression, in fact i was keeping everything locked up inside me and i got to the point when i was panicking going home. Of course i thought this to mean i wasn't happy at home which i couldn't understand because my home was my life, so i mistakenly concluded it must be my marriage!!!!!! I can see now that i was at the point of no return and i did what i did with the information i had with me at that time (which was next to none and predominantly past controlled) I know how much my husband loved me and treasured me and for me to have run away from him, must have hurt him sooooo sooooo much. He has said so to our daughter that he wants to take me out for a drink but he just can't get the last 2 years out of his head. So i wait and stay patient and i get on with my nurturing me and becoming the person i am, without all the baggage!!! Thanx again for your input. Take care and Be Happy within yourself from Poppy x Link to post Share on other sites
Author Poppy Posted April 29, 2005 Author Share Posted April 29, 2005 He's taking her away for the week-end, despite telling our daughter recently that he wanted to take me out for a drink and asking her, how was he going to just dump her?? He text me to say he couldn't make it with me this saturday when we usually take out our little grandkids together, asked how i was and told me to take care. I couldn't even answer him because i'd heard he was going away with her and putting her before his grandchildren and me which he always said he would never do. He also retorted well Poppy went away for 10 days recently so why can't i have the week-end (i had a well needed break with a friend) recently, i didn't go with a boyfriend. My only holiday last year was a month in the mental hospital when he left me and i ended up with a nervous breakdown, just a little different doesn't he know!!!!!! Sorry everyone, i know i have to be patient but he is hurting me soooooo sooooooo much. Poppy Link to post Share on other sites
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