This hurt badly -- was I to blame???

[GoldieLox]

Do not... do NOT mix your finances with him. It's only going to entangle you further. If what you're presenting here to us is 100% true and accurate, and we are getting all sides of the story, none of this is your fault. This man is simply selfish, irrational, and as another poster said, unbalanced. I'm not quite sure how you've put up with him this long.

 

Please consider ending your relationship with him. Do you have good support systems in your life?

[jen1447]

Many abused women say the psychological stuff is worse than the physical. The bruises heal more easily.

 

THB, you need to STOP and listen to what everyone's telling you. Right now you appear to be bargaining - you're making your case against him, but next up you'll be making his case for him and wanting to compare and contrast.

 

I doubt that any of us need any more information. The thing to do now is to start working out your exit plan, not keep weighing the evidence. At the very least, are there friends/family you can go to? Seriously, this has to end or at least be suspended, now. Right now-now-now.

 

Is it at all possible to hang onto your current job?

[thishurtsbadly]

I could try. But I can tell you he's already told me if I keep working (because of my travel) he can't do this anymore.

 

He will be done.

 

I don't have any family nearby. But I secretly thought of looking for apartments near my old job.

 

I also found out he looked up my info on IRS to see what I had going on with payments. Yes I gave him access when doing my taxes. But he did that behind my back tonight!

[Satu]

Get a phone that he isn't to know about, and start making some calls to friends and family, so that you don't feel isolated and dependent on him.

 

Isolating you is one of his major goals.

 

Look into local sources of support for women in abusive relationships.

 

There are people who can help you.

 

If needs be, is there someone who could come and get you?

[lollipopspot]

I could try. But I can tell you he's already told me if I keep working (because of my travel) he can't do this anymore.

 

He will be done.

 

Yay! Then keep working.

 

I somehow doubt he will be so easy to get rid of though.

 

For the life of me I can't understand why you gave up a good job (unless you hated it)...it's really risky to put yourself at someone's mercy like that. Consider your decisions and where they have brought you.

[jen1447]

She did it because these guys are so often great con men.

 

I agree his ultimatum is a win-win. If he actually did that and carried thru, it would be fantastic.

 

THB, please do these things, or at least please strongly consider them -

 

1. Tomorrow's your last day at work, ask them about staying.

2. Make contact with friends/family and tell them what's going on so you're not in this alone.

3. Follow Satu's suggestions.

 

Also please stay on here regularly and update us. We can help you.

[caringsister]

Yes, I have been feeling that I am ..but he says "I" am manipulating!

 

 

In addition to that -- when he gets this angry, I start to cry. And when he sees me start to cry -- he says "why are you ALWAYS the victim? I can't talk to you...I can't tell you how I feel -- you start to cry and clearly manipulate the situation..." He says I am a perpetual victim and then asked me if I was clinically depressed...since I cry when he gets mad.

 

 

I do not cry -- when no one is mad at me...I am not depressed.

 

Not only is he gaslighting, but he is projecting, manipulating and abusive.

 

He wants to get control over your finances and make you completely dependent upon him. Don't let him.

[BluEyeL]

You need to get out now while you still can or sooner or later you'll become this man's prisoner and he'll physically and mentally abuse you. It's going to be much more difficult to get out then. Save your life now! The guy was traveling to meet you because he wanted control over you not because he was such a kind soul. It was about him and his needs to have you under observation from the very beginning. Get out, go see a therapist, find a job and break up with him immediately! You'll find a much better man and you'll save your life, literally.

[No Limit]

Honey, you're in an abusive relationship. And I'm not talking about the woman, I mean your fiance. Are you really really really sure you want to spend the rest of your life with a control freak?

[caringsister]

The more I read the worse his behavior gets. You seem so sweet and he is an absolute tyrant. He is without a doubt being abusive to you and turning the tables as if you are the one doing something wrong.

 

He can barely wait until he has you all to himself and from his behavior that is a scary thought. I can promise you that once he has you completely in his clutches he will go for complete control over you.

 

Please don't let him have your money. He is trying much to hard to get it away from you. He is feels threatened by what little independence you do have and he is throwing tantrums, trying to verbally strong arm you into doing what he wants you to do and manipulating you by telling you that you don't trust him.

 

His reactions to you crying is not loving or kind, they are callous and manipulate. When he is going off on you quietly listen to what he is saying he is mirroring himself. He is telling you all about himself. He's showing you who he is. Believe him. Don't be fooled by prince charming who drove far to see his princess and did nice things for her. He's waiting for the payoff.

 

He did those things with a motive. He is getting impatient with you and his true colors are bleeding through. If you give into this guy you will be miserable. Because has already begun to mold, fashion and shape you into his possession. This behavior will not stop. He is holding up hoops for you to jump through and if you don't jump through them he will let you know how disappointed he is in you and how you've let him down or how you don't trust him. You will be guilted into jumping and as soon as you get through one hoop there will be another one. It's endless and you'll lose yourself.

 

Please rethink your life with this man. He is a Dr. Jeckle - Mr Hyde. One big red flag. Run as fast as you can

Edited May 19, 2015 by caringsister

[thishurtsbadly]

You are right...there are so many days where he is perfect....and then he just flips.

 

He seems the money situation (me not transferring the cash) as a direct threat -- he says it's proof I'm hiding something or not fully committed to the relationship.

 

I told him - no. I just want a joint account...where we both have equal say. To his credit, he did try that but the bank woman told us that the account he had didn't allow that -- without penalty.

 

So, instead he told me to take a credit card -- use it for everything. And I just give him my money and he will take care of all the bills etc.

 

So, last week I gave him 2500. But all my bills were paid for May. He hasn't paid a single bill of MINE yet.

 

I said - why don't you pay my bills for June with that - -and then I will just put my remaining paycheck in a savings account. If I don't have a job by July -- I'll use it.

 

He said - oh but I have to pay for the house, the utilities, food etc? And you aren't going to help? How is that fair?

 

I said - well, I just gave you 2500. Why don't you just start there.. That's when he blew up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The more I read the worse his behavior gets. You seem so sweet and he is an absolute tyrant. He is without a doubt being abusive to you and turning the tables as if you are the one doing something wrong.

 

He can barely wait until he has you all to himself and from his behavior that is a scary thought. I can promise you that once he has you completely in his clutches he will go for complete control over you.

 

Please don't let him have your money. He is trying much to hard to get it away from you. He is feels threatened by what little independence you do have and he is throwing tantrums, trying to verbally strong arm you into doing what he wants you to do and manipulating you by telling you that you don't trust him.

 

His reactions to you crying is not loving or kind, they are callous and manipulate. When he is going off on you quietly listen to what he is saying he is mirroring himself. He is telling you all about himself. He's showing you who he is. Believe him. Don't be fooled by prince charming who drove far to see his princess and did nice things for her. He's waiting for the payoff.

 

He did those things with a motive. He is getting impatient with you and his true colors are bleeding through. If you give into this guy you will be miserable. Because has already begun to mold, fashion and shape you into his possession. This behavior will not stop. He is holding up hoops for you to jump through and if you don't jump through them he will let you know how disappointed he is in you and how you've let him down or how you don't trust him. You will be guilted into jumping and as soon as you get through one hoop there will be another one. It's endless and you'll lose yourself.

 

Please rethink your life with this man. He is a Dr. Jeckle - Mr Hyde. One big red flag. Run as fast as you can

[ashy555]

I would be planning an escape as soon as possible. Emotional abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. My aunty married a man with red flags. Her whole family tried to warn her and she didn't listen. She is now living in another state isolated from her family because he manipulated her. She has no self esteem. He took EVERYTHING from her. She had 3 children with him who she now doesn't see because they don't want anything to do with their father and she STILL wont leave him. They married at 20 and they are now in their mid 60's. He has never laid a hand on her that i am aware of, but he gets angry A LOT. He puts her down and makes her feel worthless. She cant even pick up the phone and order a pizza she is that self conscious. She is constantly walking on eggshells because of him. She inherited more than $50,000 from my grandmothers death and he took it and lost it all on fraudulant business deals.

 

If this is the start of the relationship.. I am scared for you because he will only get worse.

 

He is trying to isolate you. He KNOWS you have no family close by which is why he wants you to quit your job and give him your money. He wants you to have nowhere to go if you tried leave him. DON'T give him money. Try and keep your job. Ring your family and friends and let them know of the situation. Get out now before its too late. You will not have a happy marriage with this man.

[caringsister]

He is trying to get you to give him your last bit of money because then he knows without it you will be totally dependent on him.

 

It's not to late to change your mind. Once you take that final step and give up your finances the spider will have you all wrapped up and right where he wants you.

[travelbug1996]

Only you can stop the way you're being treated. You are allowing yourself to be manipulated. You gave him your money and your June bills are not paid?? If he doesn't pay them, you will have no one but yourself to blame. Please don't allow yourself to be treated in such a demeaning manner.

[beach]

You are right...there are so many days where he is perfect....and then he just flips.

 

He seems the money situation (me not transferring the cash) as a direct threat -- he says it's proof I'm hiding something or not fully committed to the relationship.

 

I told him - no. I just want a joint account...where we both have equal say. To his credit, he did try that but the bank woman told us that the account he had didn't allow that -- without penalty.

 

So, instead he told me to take a credit card -- use it for everything. And I just give him my money and he will take care of all the bills etc.

 

So, last week I gave him 2500. But all my bills were paid for May. He hasn't paid a single bill of MINE yet.

 

I said - why don't you pay my bills for June with that - -and then I will just put my remaining paycheck in a savings account. If I don't have a job by July -- I'll use it.

 

He said - oh but I have to pay for the house, the utilities, food etc? And you aren't going to help? How is that fair?

 

I said - well, I just gave you 2500. Why don't you just start there.. That's when he blew up.

 

 

 

Honey, he took your money and didn't pay your obligations! You can't trust him!

 

Don't give him another penny. You see, you have a clean way out of this and that's a GIFT to yourself.

 

I hope you leave tonight - go to a hotel if needed but do not tell him where you are. Don't use a trail he could find (no credit card to check in). Beg to keep the

job you've had!

 

Please leave as soon as possible - don't look back. He's very skilled - he's even asked to trail every move you make by offering that credit card.

 

Do not stay with him!

[beach]

Once you break free - and I hope it's tonight - do not take any calls from him, no responding to any communication.

 

Hopefully your phone can block his number and emails.

 

If not, get a new number.

[katiegrl]

Yes, I have been feeling that I am ..but he says "I" am manipulating!

 

 

In addition to that -- when he gets this angry, I start to cry. And when he sees me start to cry -- he says "why are you ALWAYS the victim? I can't talk to you...I can't tell you how I feel -- you start to cry and clearly manipulate the situation..." He says I am a perpetual victim and then asked me if I was clinically depressed...since I cry when he gets mad.

 

 

I do not cry -- when no one is mad at me...I am not depressed.

 

thishurts, please listen. Whenever he gets angry and verbally abuses you or whatever the hell he does, and you cry in response (instead of staying strong and standing up for yourself), you are telling him/teaching him that you are WEAK, and he loses respect for you. Which in turn gives him justification to keep verbally abusing you!

 

What you need to do is .....whenever he gets on his high horse and starts lording it over you...YOU get angry and tell him to KNOCK IT OFF and stop trying to control you.... otherwise you are leaving!!! And if he continues, that is exactly what you do....LEAVE.

 

This has been said sooooooo many times I've stopped counting. We teach people how to treat us!

 

You have taught him that you are weak and powerless, that he DOES have control over you, and no matter how abusive, manipulating and controlling he is....you will stay cause you are too weak, scared, powerless to leave.

 

He doesn't respect you because of this..... and this is why he treats you the way he does. But YOU are allowing it, so that's on you.

 

Do you want to continue being that woman? Weak and powerless, giving him total control, NOT standing up for yourself when he abuses you, playing the victim INSTEAD of a strong survivor?

 

Stand up to him. Get angry if you need to and tell him in no uncertain terms to knock it the hell off...or you are DONE! And mean it. Don't back down.

 

He is a manipulating, controlling abusive asshat.....it would give me GREAT pleasure to tell a guy like that where to go....

 

G'luck.

Edited May 19, 2015 by katiegrl

[Mr Carson]

I could try. But I can tell you he's already told me if I keep working (because of my travel) he can't do this anymore.He will be done.

This is a lie, just more manipulating and bulling!

 

Right now you move somewhat freely in and out of the cell he's building for you. But every day he lays more bricks, and one day you will go in and he will slam the door shut, and you will be trapped. This is nothing to take lightly, like all the others have said you need to move quickly. Do what ever you can, you need to getaway FAST, NOW or sadly you will pay, he will take more than just your money! The nice guy/person he shows you is a candy shell, but the inside man in rotten and smells like Sh*t.

Edited May 19, 2015 by Mr Carson

[kylle]

Regardless of how weird it was the interview, he is the type of controlling person. I'd walk away right now.

 

As for the job...yeah, it seems strange, I would also be careful with that woman. But I'm a bit paranoid...

[thishurtsbadly]

We had another fight last night. I tested him. I told him that I would transfer my remaining money if I could have equal say in his WE spend OUR money. I said if im handing you 9k, I think it's fair that I'm in on the bill pay process. He fipped. He said that He is not willing to be micromanaged and he wil not report to me. I said so you can't just allow me in as a decision maker on how we spend money? He said no. Then he said he wants to keep things separate. And he will be charging me for half the mortgage/utilities. I said I can't afford that! He said well you should of thought of that before you started making demands about the checking account.

 

He reverted to a horrible fight. I told him that his ex wife brought in 25k and he put all of her money to her retirement ..and helped her. He said "yeah I learned my lesson, I'm never going that again!"

 

So then I started crying and he started to leave. He said that he can't live in the bondage that I have out him in.

 

He said that I have made it clear that I don't trust him. That I should not be asking all these questions and I should let him handle ALL the money.

[thishurtsbadly]

We had another fight last night. I tested him. I told him that I would transfer my remaining money if I could have equal say in how WE spend OUR money. I said if im handing you 9k, I think it's fair that I'm in on the bill pay process. He fipped. He said that He is not willing to be micromanaged and he wil not report to me. I said so you can't just allow me in as a decision maker on how we spend money? He said no. Then he said he wants to keep things separate. And he will be charging me for half the mortgage/utilities. I said I can't afford that! He said well you should of thought of that before you started making demands about the checking account.

 

He reverted to a horrible fight. I told him that his ex wife brought in 25k and he put all of her money to her retirement ..and helped her. He said "yeah I learned my lesson, I'm never going that again!"

 

So then I started crying and he started to leave. He said that he can't live in the bondage that I have out him in.

 

He said that I have made it clear that I don't trust him. That I should not be asking all these questions and I should let him handle ALL the money.

[Got it]

Honey, don't you see he flips everything to put you on the defensive. This is abusive. He is abusive. Get out! He is bad news and you deserve so much better. He sounds like a tyrant.

[clia]

You have once again received unanimous consensus that you need to get out of this relationship. Over the past year, in every thread, under every new and different user name, it's been consistent. You are with a controlling, abusive man who is going to end up hurting you. And yet month after month, you stay with him. And now you have agreed to marry him and are once again living in his house, hours away from your son.

 

No matter what anyone says in this thread, you'll be back here in a week or two under another user name, describing another insane scenario with this guy and innocently asking what you should do. And you will receive the same advice. Get out. If you have 9k in the bank you can easily leave and get yourself an apartment.

 

You know what to do. Why don't you do it? Why do you dig yourself in further? Is it because he's a doctor, because of his money? Why? You would get much more useful advice about how to extricate yourself from your abusive relationship if you would consistently post under the same ID and own up to the whole story rather than trying to act like this is all new. This guy hasn't improved at all in the past year. He's gotten worse!

 

Your struggle is with leaving this guy. That's where you need advice. You've left, but you keep going back to him. What is holding you back? Go today, check yourself into a hotel, and never speak to him again. Just get out.

[kendahke]

I told him I worried about how aggressive he was - and loud etc.

 

 

He said that he would never and HAS NEVER laid a hand on a woman. I can see that...he has never touched me... except verbally he is tough..

 

 

I don't think he would be physical... he just gets so angry and threatening...

 

But those words hurt as much as a punch to the head, don't they? How soon will you forget him saying them? You won't. Ever.

 

He hasn't laid a hand on a woman YET.

 

I'll bet he never yelled at you or embarrassed you in public like he did until he did, right? Stop making excuses. You've set your self adrift and you need to retrieve her before she drifts out of reach.

[Satu]

You have once again received unanimous consensus that you need to get out of this relationship. Over the past year, in every thread, under every new and different user name, it's been consistent. You are with a controlling, abusive man who is going to end up hurting you. And yet month after month, you stay with him. And now you have agreed to marry him and are once again living in his house, hours away from your son.

 

No matter what anyone says in this thread, you'll be back here in a week or two under another user name, describing another insane scenario with this guy and innocently asking what you should do. And you will receive the same advice. Get out. If you have 9k in the bank you can easily leave and get yourself an apartment.

 

You know what to do. Why don't you do it? Why do you dig yourself in further? Is it because he's a doctor, because of his money? Why? You would get much more useful advice about how to extricate yourself from your abusive relationship if you would consistently post under the same ID and own up to the whole story rather than trying to act like this is all new. This guy hasn't improved at all in the past year. He's gotten worse!

 

Your struggle is with leaving this guy. That's where you need advice. You've left, but you keep going back to him. What is holding you back? Go today, check yourself into a hotel, and never speak to him again. Just get out.

 

Now I understand...