This hurt badly -- was I to blame???

[kendahke]

We had another fight last night. I tested him. I told him that I would transfer my remaining money if I could have equal say in his WE spend OUR money. I said if im handing you 9k, I think it's fair that I'm in on the bill pay process. He fipped. He said that He is not willing to be micromanaged and he wil not report to me. I said so you can't just allow me in as a decision maker on how we spend money? He said no. Then he said he wants to keep things separate. And he will be charging me for half the mortgage/utilities. I said I can't afford that! He said well you should of thought of that before you started making demands about the checking account.

 

He reverted to a horrible fight. I told him that his ex wife brought in 25k and he put all of her money to her retirement ..and helped her. He said "yeah I learned my lesson, I'm never going that again!"

 

So then I started crying and he started to leave. He said that he can't live in the bondage that I have out him in.

 

He said that I have made it clear that I don't trust him. That I should not be asking all these questions and I should let him handle ALL the money.

 

The time for tears is over, TBH. The time for "testing him" and fighting is over. It's time for you to become your own savior. It's time to move out and leave him.

 

This man doesn't love you. He loves and covets your money and freedom. A man who loves you doesn't say/do what he says/does. It's just that plain.

 

Have you called your family to let them know what is going on? If not, why not? If so, what did they say?

 

Move out of his house and find yourself a studio apartment if you have to. Put your money where he can never get his hands on it and make your parents your next of kin on all of your paperwork, not him. Make sure you can pay your bills without his help.

[kendahke]

You have once again received unanimous consensus that you need to get out of this relationship. Over the past year, in every thread, under every new and different user name, it's been consistent. You are with a controlling, abusive man who is going to end up hurting you. And yet month after month, you stay with him. And now you have agreed to marry him and are once again living in his house, hours away from your son.

 

No matter what anyone says in this thread, you'll be back here in a week or two under another user name, describing another insane scenario with this guy and innocently asking what you should do. And you will receive the same advice. Get out. If you have 9k in the bank you can easily leave and get yourself an apartment.

 

You know what to do. Why don't you do it? Why do you dig yourself in further? Is it because he's a doctor, because of his money? Why? You would get much more useful advice about how to extricate yourself from your abusive relationship if you would consistently post under the same ID and own up to the whole story rather than trying to act like this is all new. This guy hasn't improved at all in the past year. He's gotten worse!

 

Your struggle is with leaving this guy. That's where you need advice. You've left, but you keep going back to him. What is holding you back? Go today, check yourself into a hotel, and never speak to him again. Just get out.

 

Are we being manipulated?

 

O_o

[katiegrl]

You know what...I for one have no sympathy anymore.

 

This psychopath of a boyfriend is ABUSING you, STEALING from you, MANIPULATING you, has NO respect for you, most likely feels REPULSED by you, and your WEAKNESS....yet you willingly *choose* to stay ...... which can only mean you derive at least some pleasure from being abused, manipulated and controlled ......so all I can do is wish you the best, and hope you don't wake up one morning with NO money, NO friends, NO life..living in an abusive prison of your OWN making.

 

I'm done....good luck.

Edited May 19, 2015 by katiegrl

[katiegrl]

Many abused women say the psychological stuff is worse than the physical. The bruises heal more easily.

 

THB, you need to STOP and listen to what everyone's telling you. Right now you appear to be bargaining - you're making your case against him, but next up you'll be making his case for him and wanting to compare and contrast.

 

***I doubt that any of us need any more information***

 

***The thing to do now is to start working out your exit plan, not keep weighing the evidence. At the very least, are there friends/family you can go to? Seriously, this has to end or at least be suspended, now. Right now-now-now.***

 

Is it at all possible to hang onto your current job?

 

^^so much great advice ....but this one bears repeating. Especially quotes in asterisk..

[Satu]

Now that I know who the OP is, I'm done too.

 

I wish her all the best.

[katiegrl]

Are we being manipulated?

 

 

I think that's quite possible.....

[ascendotum]

What a shame these recent fights did not happen a month or two ago...before you gave notice on your job. I have to assume the last couple of weeks you have seen, maybe not a new side to him, but a much more controlling one now that you are in his house. This is very early days being together pre marriage, and its really not looking good. I don't know how much they loved you at your old job but I'd get in contact with your boss and see what your chances are for getting your old job back, and staying put.

[thishurtsbadly]

I have done these things. I'm going to look at a house today and I'm making an exit plan. I'm just very sad today. He melted down this morning and said he can't lose me. He started shaking and crying. He eventually left and went to work. He is gone thank goodness for the morning and I'm going to look for a place.

 

 

^^so much great advice ....but this one bears repeating. Especially quotes in asterisk..

Edited May 19, 2015 by thishurtsbadly

[katiegrl]

I have done these things. I'm going to look at a house today and I'm making an exit plan. I'm just very sad today.

 

**He melted down this morning and said he can't lose me. He started shaking and crying**

 

. He eventually left and went to work. He is gone thank goodness for the morning and I'm going to look for a place.

 

Quote in asterisk above --- that is NOT surprising, in fact it is quite typical.

 

Abusive, controlling, domineering men *are* WEAK and INSECURE themselves, which is why they choose weak, vulnerable women to control and dominate......doing so (controlling and dominating) makes them feel strong and powerful so they chose women who will allow that dynamic.

 

Once the woman becomes strong herself and stands up to him, the man will crumble and the *strong powerful* man becomes weak and pathetic...which is actually who he truly is!

 

His dominance and control (which often, like in your case, manifests into abuse) is just a cover up for the fact HE feels weak insecure and powerless himself .... thus the need to control and dominate. to compensate for what he LACKS, which is strength.

 

If you could start seeing him this way, as weak and pathetic (which again is who he truly is)...guarantee that YOU will be the one who loses respect for HIM, making it much easier to leave..

Edited May 19, 2015 by katiegrl

[GoBlue]

I could try. But I can tell you he's already told me if I keep working (because of my travel) he can't do this anymore.

 

He will be done.

 

I don't have any family nearby. But I secretly thought of looking for apartments near my old job.

 

Do you recognize a pattern yet? He lacks control of a certain area of your life (time, finances, etc.) and then he accuses you of not trusting him - all meant to gain more control. When he doesn't get that control, he threatens to end the relationship - unless you do things by his terms. You are afraid to acknowledge that you are considering moving out so you do it in secret. Why? Because you are afraid of his reaction. How do you think any of this will improve if you get married?

 

Listen, I readily acknowledge that every single person who wants to get married has some kind of issue that they need help with. This is why pre-marital counseling is so important. This is also why living together is not a good idea. I do not know a single couple who joined all of their finances together before getting married. I didn't read every single posting after the quote above so if I missed something I apologize but I couldn't take anymore without commenting. A guy who interrupts your interview (or whatever it was) and tells you that you were disrespectful of him (while he was really the one being disrespectful) has some serious issues that need to be addressed. I am a man and I would never have done such a thing to my wife or my fiance' or my girlfriend. I am not the measure of all things right by any means, but there are some Red Flags whipping in gale force winds!

 

I have an article I can share if you are interested. Just send me a private message. In the mean-time, my thoughts and prayers are with you. Be blessed!

[thishurtsbadly]

I truly feel like I need medication to leave him. I mean is that possible? I know it sounds insane, but I don't know how to handle it or do it?

 

 

His controlling nature has kept me SO smothered - I can't look up and see a place that I haven't been with him or even a dinner break I haven't spent around him. He's always texting me or calling me. If he doesn't hear from me within 5 minutes - he flips out.

 

 

 

 

This morning - after our fight - he is begging forgiveness and keeps asking how I'm feeling or what I'm going to do. He says he saw me so upset and destroyed in tears - that he thinks that I can't see him as the most amazing man anymore. He says he wants to fix it.

 

 

But he says it's because we can't communicate...I said I communicated just fine the whole night. I offered to share accounts if we both have equal access AND we both have 50/50 say over how we spend our money. He screamed and yelled - said that I clearly don't trust him -- that he wants me to keep it separate then but if I don't have income (even though he's demanding I quit and move near him without a job)... I will have to pay him back for the money I use of his. I said I quit my job for you - and I can't even have equal say? He says that he makes so much more than me - that he just can't understand why I feel I have the right to that. I said in marriage -- you are 50/50 partners. Why can't I be treated that way? That's when he started yelling and screaming -- saying that I am clearly not trusting him and that I have one foot in and one foot out...and he can't BELIVE that I can't see the gift he's trying to give me and not trust him.

 

 

The problem? I honestly feel many times as if "I" am the problem? Am I asking for too much? I'm supposed to hand him 8k and just BLINDLY trust that that money and my future paychecks are ok?

[beach]

Don't give him a penny!

 

Go stay at a hotel...look for an apt right away and try and secure your old job again.

 

Block his number. He's just manipulating you more now that you are on to his manipulative plan.

 

You owe him nothing at this point! Not any conversation, nothing!

 

Get your things and get away from him.

[thishurtsbadly]

I definitely see the pattern --

 

 

I truly feel like I need medication to leave him. I mean is that possible? I know it sounds insane, but I don't know how to handle it or do it?

 

 

I talked to my ex husband today (he has witnessed much of my ups and downs with my fiancé) and he said that he emailed my aunt about how worried he was over my erratic behavior and abnormal obsession regarding him... and vice versa. He said he was worried about me...

 

 

Why CAN'T I break free? WHY? What is wrong with ME?

 

His controlling nature has kept me SO smothered - I can't look up and see a place that I haven't been with him or even a dinner break I haven't spent around him. He's always texting me or calling me. If he doesn't hear from me within 5 minutes - he flips out.

 

 

This morning - after our fight - he is begging forgiveness and keeps asking how I'm feeling or what I'm going to do. He says he saw me so upset and destroyed in tears - that he thinks that I can't see him as the most amazing man anymore. He says he wants to fix it.

 

 

But he says it's because we can't communicate...I said I communicated just fine the whole night. I offered to share accounts if we both have equal access AND we both have 50/50 say over how we spend our money. He screamed and yelled - said that I clearly don't trust him -- that he wants me to keep it separate then but if I don't have income (even though he's demanding I quit and move near him without a job)... I will have to pay him back for the money I use of his. I said I quit my job for you - and I can't even have equal say? He says that he makes so much more than me - that he just can't understand why I feel I have the right to that. I said in marriage -- you are 50/50 partners. Why can't I be treated that way? That's when he started yelling and screaming -- saying that I am clearly not trusting him and that I have one foot in and one foot out...and he can't BELIVE that I can't see the gift he's trying to give me and not trust him.

 

 

The problem? I honestly feel many times as if "I" am the problem? Am I asking for too much? I'm supposed to hand him 8k and just BLINDLY trust that that money and my future paychecks are ok?

 

 

 

 

Do you recognize a pattern yet? He lacks control of a certain area of your life (time, finances, etc.) and then he accuses you of not trusting him - all meant to gain more control. When he doesn't get that control, he threatens to end the relationship - unless you do things by his terms. You are afraid to acknowledge that you are considering moving out so you do it in secret. Why? Because you are afraid of his reaction. How do you think any of this will improve if you get married?

 

Listen, I readily acknowledge that every single person who wants to get married has some kind of issue that they need help with. This is why pre-marital counseling is so important. This is also why living together is not a good idea. I do not know a single couple who joined all of their finances together before getting married. I didn't read every single posting after the quote above so if I missed something I apologize but I couldn't take anymore without commenting. A guy who interrupts your interview (or whatever it was) and tells you that you were disrespectful of him (while he was really the one being disrespectful) has some serious issues that need to be addressed. I am a man and I would never have done such a thing to my wife or my fiance' or my girlfriend. I am not the measure of all things right by any means, but there are some Red Flags whipping in gale force winds!

 

I have an article I can share if you are interested. Just send me a private message. In the mean-time, my thoughts and prayers are with you. Be blessed!

[thishurtsbadly]

Thanks, Go Blue --

 

 

I can't seem to find a way to private message you. Could you message me? Maybe it's because I'm new?

 

 

Do you recognize a pattern yet? He lacks control of a certain area of your life (time, finances, etc.) and then he accuses you of not trusting him - all meant to gain more control. When he doesn't get that control, he threatens to end the relationship - unless you do things by his terms. You are afraid to acknowledge that you are considering moving out so you do it in secret. Why? Because you are afraid of his reaction. How do you think any of this will improve if you get married?

 

Listen, I readily acknowledge that every single person who wants to get married has some kind of issue that they need help with. This is why pre-marital counseling is so important. This is also why living together is not a good idea. I do not know a single couple who joined all of their finances together before getting married. I didn't read every single posting after the quote above so if I missed something I apologize but I couldn't take anymore without commenting. A guy who interrupts your interview (or whatever it was) and tells you that you were disrespectful of him (while he was really the one being disrespectful) has some serious issues that need to be addressed. I am a man and I would never have done such a thing to my wife or my fiance' or my girlfriend. I am not the measure of all things right by any means, but there are some Red Flags whipping in gale force winds!

 

I have an article I can share if you are interested. Just send me a private message. In the mean-time, my thoughts and prayers are with you. Be blessed!

[thishurtsbadly]

I know I sound insane and pathetic -- trust me, I realize it.

 

 

But, I have to ask WHY can't I get myself to take action and leave him? Why?

 

 

It's like something is SERIOUSLY wrong with me.... I fear how painful it will be not to have him in my life -- but, I realize that it's painful when he IS in my life, too....

 

 

Any thoughts? Suggestions?

[clia]

I definitely see the pattern --

 

 

I truly feel like I need medication to leave him. I mean is that possible? I know it sounds insane, but I don't know how to handle it or do it?

 

 

I talked to my ex husband today (he has witnessed much of my ups and downs with my fiancé) and he said that he emailed my aunt about how worried he was over my erratic behavior and abnormal obsession regarding him... and vice versa. He said he was worried about me...

 

 

Why CAN'T I break free? WHY? What is wrong with ME?

 

 

Have you considered checking yourself into a mental institution? I'm not kidding. You need to get away from this guy and figure this out. What does your therapist say about this?

[CarrieT]

I know I sound insane and pathetic -- trust me, I realize it.

But why do you create new profiles to discuss the problem instead of coming back to the old ones?

 

It's like something is SERIOUSLY wrong with me.... I fear how painful it will be not to have him in my life -- but, I realize that it's painful when he IS in my life, too....

 

Any thoughts? Suggestions?

Are you in therapy to discuss this with a licensed professional? Because we can only speculate.

 

For some, the pain of abuse is easier than the pain of nothing. There is a reason people hurt themselves; cut themselves, over-eat, abuse alcohol.... Because it is something. And sometimes it is easier to feel something - even when/if we know it is bad for us - than to not feel anything.

[thishurtsbadly]

I haven't been to my therapist in a few weeks....I'm sure she was growing tired of me, too.

 

 

One of them suggested I try an love addiction rehab - but that's terribly expensive and I would lose any possibility of holding onto my job.

[beach]

I know I sound insane and pathetic -- trust me, I realize it.

 

 

But, I have to ask WHY can't I get myself to take action and leave him? Why?

 

 

It's like something is SERIOUSLY wrong with me.... I fear how painful it will be not to have him in my life -- but, I realize that it's painful when he IS in my life, too....

 

 

Any thoughts? Suggestions?

 

You've had many suggestions. Pick one...any one. Do something rather than nothing.

 

If you stay you have no one to blame at this point but yourself. You can leave at any time and you should do so.

[beach]

I haven't been to my therapist in a few weeks....I'm sure she was growing tired of me, too.

 

 

One of them suggested I try an love addiction rehab - but that's terribly expensive and I would lose any possibility of holding onto my job.

 

Just move on your own. Secure your job and cut off all contact with him.

 

You need to stop handing him all YOUR power! He is not the boss of you.

[William]

This was one of a our young hydras so they're gone and I closed the thread. However, since there were so many thoughtful responses, I left the thread so others might perhaps read and take away some of the advice for their own circumstances. Thanks for your contributions!