RedThorn Posted April 23, 2005 Share Posted April 23, 2005 Hi everybody! This is my first post. I came here in need of help and advice, because it's hurting like hell. I'll make this very short and to the point. I've known this girl for over a year. Met her abroad, exchanged emails for 7-8 months, then we had the occasion to meet (both taking part in the same conference). We had sex and a nice time together. We meet again after a couple of months, she spent holidays with me meeting my family, once again having a great time. However, since we live in different countries, we've never considered this to be a really steady relationship, with still some kind of relationship. Today I've just found out that she secretly met my brother and they had sex. I'm feeling terrible, being more disappointed about him then about her, but still... My brother and I have always been very close and great friends. He is though a kind of sex-aholic. She, on the other hand, is a young girl with her own issues always needing attention. I understand why she could have done that, even though I can't forgive her nor him. I just needed to share this with somebody anonymously and hopefully read some kind words to help me out cope with this situation. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted April 23, 2005 Share Posted April 23, 2005 she may be using one or both of you to gain access to wherever u both live. Do you live in the US or Canada or some other desirable nation? Some women abroad will do anything, and I mean ANYTHING, to get married and get a green card. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RedThorn Posted April 23, 2005 Author Share Posted April 23, 2005 Thanks, but this is not the case. We all live in Europe, all desirable places. I think she's just lost, and I am obviously not interested in her anymore. It still hurts though. And... how to cope with my brother? Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted April 23, 2005 Share Posted April 23, 2005 Originally posted by RedThorn She, on the other hand, is a young girl with her own issues always needing attention. I understand why she could have done that, even though I can't forgive her nor him. Umm ... if she has these issues, and your brother should have taken advantage of these issues, so did you. The meeting in secret would suggest that when she met your brother the attraction to him was much stronger than to you. I may be off the mark here, but you gave a strange description of your relationship status. It was nothing more than a form of a "friends with benefits" relationship in her mind, at least that is the idea I get from your description of the relationship you had. If that is the case, there was no relationship, and she was free to have sex with whomever she wanted, even your brother; and that is one reason these relationships are not for everyone. As for coping with the behavior of your brother, I can't see where he wronged you in this case. Unless you were really serious in your feelings for this girl and had communicated this with the girl. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RedThorn Posted April 23, 2005 Author Share Posted April 23, 2005 Originally posted by d'Arthez The meeting in secret would suggest that when she met your brother the attraction to him was much stronger than to you. I may be off the mark here, but you gave a strange description of your relationship status. It was nothing more than a form of a "friends with benefits" relationship in her mind, at least that is the idea I get from your description of the relationship you had. If that is the case, there was no relationship, and she was free to have sex with whomever she wanted, even your brother; and that is one reason these relationships are not for everyone. As for coping with the behavior of your brother, I can't see where he wronged you in this case. Unless you were really serious in your feelings for this girl and had communicated this with the girl. This post made me think. Yes, it was a friends with benefits kind of thing, but with the chance of growing into something more. That's why the disappointment. I don't think she was attracted more to him. They just met because they were in the same city for work reasons, it was not planned in advance. I feel like my brother wronged me because he knows me and knows that I would have wanted to know her a bit better. That's why he never told me. Because he knew he did something wrong to me. I still see your point and it leads me to my same old problem: I never tell girls how I feel about them, until some problems arise. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted April 24, 2005 Share Posted April 24, 2005 Hello Redthorn, I think your brother is a slimeball. You said he knew that you wanted something to develop with this girl down the line and he met her and had sex with her behind your back. The fact that he hid it from you makes it clear it was something he was not proud of. It is very sad when your own brother stabs you in your back. By the way, how did you find out? I agree with you that you should forget about the girl and move on. She was with you, visits your family with you and then has sex with your brother behind your back? What in the world was she thinking? Clearly you would not want her after this. I doubt your brother wants her now either. The bottom line is move on from her and never and I mean never ever trust your brother again. What a complete slimeball he is. I wish you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RedThorn Posted April 24, 2005 Author Share Posted April 24, 2005 Originally posted by Bryanp Clearly you would not want her after this. I doubt your brother wants her now either. The bottom line is move on from her and never and I mean never ever trust your brother again. What a complete slimeball he is. I wish you luck. Thanks you for your support. No, my brother does not want her either, it was just a one night stand. A brief update: I talked with him, and he his sincerely devastated. We have always had a great relationship, but I know that he is a bit of a sex-aholic. Sometimes he cannot control himself. I suggested that the only way for me to forgive him is if he takes some counseling to solve his problem. I called the girl. She's just lost. She has no clue about what the consequences of her actions might be. She moved out too young, moved to a city which is too big for her. She acknowledges she has problems, but she doesn't know how to tackle them. I find that sometimes anger doesn't solve anything. Dismissing my brother as a bastard and her as a slut would be too easy, but would not help. I'm feeling better than I did yesterday now, and I feel pity for them, because they both have serious problems. I would like to help, but somehow I feel like they don't deserve it. On the other hand right now there are no winners in the situation, which is very sad. I would like to take a more constructive approach. What do you think? p.s. maybe some ladies could chime in on this? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 24, 2005 Share Posted April 24, 2005 Ok, female here... Forget the girl. She's a waste of your time and obviously NOT worthy of you. You sound like a real sweetie and she treated you like crap. Hey, trust me...She KNEW that you were into her without telling her. She wouldn't have gone through the efforts like that if she didn't. I just think she wasn't thinking period. End of story and leave her behind. Sorry about your brother. That is the real issue here. Continue talking to him. Ofcourse he feels badly, he should feel that way! That was a real s***ty thing he did, and broke the golden rule of brothers and women! Geez. What a dumbass! You both need to talk it out. He probably feels ashamed of what he did, and will try to push it under the rug as soon as possible - Play you a tiny bit, make you feel bad cuz he's feeling bad and hoping you'll just drop it. Well, DON'T drop it. He needs to understand what he did. The trust was broken and he has to make that up to in time. It's not going to happen overnight either, so I hope he has patience. I commend you by how you've handled this situation. Sounds like it hurt alot. Hang in there and I hope this helps abit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RedThorn Posted April 25, 2005 Author Share Posted April 25, 2005 Originally posted by whichwayisup I commend you by how you've handled this situation. Sounds like it hurt alot. Hang in there and I hope this helps abit. Thank you so much for your reply, I think I needed to hear that. Link to post Share on other sites
sami Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 For both you and your brother this young girl means nothing more than a sex toy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RedThorn Posted April 25, 2005 Author Share Posted April 25, 2005 Originally posted by sami For both you and your brother this young girl means nothing more than a sex toy. I understand that you haven't read the other posts carefully. Link to post Share on other sites
Becki Posted April 26, 2005 Share Posted April 26, 2005 I think (without sounding too harsh) that in a way you could have stopped this happening. If you knew you liked her, you should have told both the girl and your brother, but if nothing was said to either of them, they weren't to know (im sorry if i've overlooked anything here, i scanned down the entries). The girl, forget her. She probably doesn't care about who she sleeps with, and your brother, as I said, if he wasnt to know, he's only partially to blame. If he did know however, make sure he knows that he shouldn't have done it, but do forgive him, because lifes too short to hold grudges I hope this helps Link to post Share on other sites
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