SawtoothMars Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 So? If things are worthwhile, it's worth the wait to do things properly? The best things in life come to those who do things properly. That is complete nonsense. Relationships require trust, and if you are not willing to give it... then you are not worthy to receive it. My suggestion to you is that you live your life not worried about doing what's "proper" and instead focus on doing what's right. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 It's not a solid fact that she wanted you only to get a visa. She may have really loved you, so don't look at it as a waste of time. But the visa issue got between you in a long process of losing trust at each other. You wanted to take things slow, she took it as you don't love her, you suspected she want you only for the visa thing, she took it as an insult, and on and on and on... It's over can't and you can't fix it because when ultimatums are made, that's the end of every relationship, no matter how real it was before. The fact is she couldn't have stayed any longer without marriage or some other special kind of visa arrangement so she had to move on. This does not mean you should have married her, only that, whatever her motives, she would have had to give up on you and move on before the authorities had chance to catch up on her. To have a student visa, she would have had to be registered at an educational institution. She could have 'dropped out' or it could be that she was only on a short-term visa anyway, say for a few weeks. From the point she was no longer registered, she would have been there illegally. I don't suppose you know how long her visa permit was for? That would tell you how long she had originally intended to be there in the first place. If it was for 3 months, say, then she would have needed to find a husband quickly. If it was for a year, then she had a year to find a husband or leave. I am puzzled that she dropped out. She would have known how important it was to pass certain exams so either: she wasn't on a course which had exams she needed to pass; or she/her parents underestimated the cost of living (unlikely to underestimate tuition fees as they would have known these upfront); or she never intended to study for long anyway and was just using the visa. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Carl99 Posted August 5, 2015 Author Share Posted August 5, 2015 There are many factors that also made me think if she was worth a relationship. Like she wouldn't let me hangout with girl friends even if she was in front with them , or attending car events because she was jealous of me seeing the models there. Then comes the factor of her dating two guys while she was with me, just because I wouldn't marry her during the first six months. As I said I made a decision, she was ok with it. I told her that I could marry her by the end of the year. She said no, she said she wants it now or nothing. She now says that she only wants marriage and not sponsorship, but she wants me to prove her that I can commit and she can have future with me. I still don't buy that excuse to rush marriage now. Giving her a date for the end of the year as deadline was my last choice but it seems as she is rushing the marriage thing and looking for excuse to get it now or she would leave. I also didn't like how her father back in Vietnam did FaceTime with me and tried to pressure me for marriage. I just want to have a normal marriage where I propose to my girl, not being pressured into it. One side of me tells me that I have lost a good woman , but the other side Tells me that maybe she was just nice for a reason. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 OP, I'm curious why you are still debating this... For almost three months she has been pressuring you and the family has been pressuring you for marriage. It will not end well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Carl99 Posted August 5, 2015 Author Share Posted August 5, 2015 No. Not debating anymore. Just adding information to some people who thinks I'm not a man or I'm a bad guy. We are done now. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 We are done now. Ah, good for you! Link to post Share on other sites
2tontom Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 (edited) OP, your situation was very similar to mine. Edited August 5, 2015 by 2tontom Link to post Share on other sites
Author Carl99 Posted August 5, 2015 Author Share Posted August 5, 2015 OP, your situation was very similar to mine. What was your outcome ? Link to post Share on other sites
2tontom Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 What was your outcome ? I broke it off. I don't want to deal with her problems. She was also Vietnamese. She also said she would move to another state and I would never see her again. The girl was just so toxic and the relationship was draining, both physically and emotionally. One of her measures of love was my willingness to do her homework. Are you kidding me?! Nothing I did for her was ever enough. I'm tired of her childish games. She now says she bought airfare for a flight back to Vietnam scheduled for tomorrow lol. We'll see if she gets on the plane or if that's another tactic she's using to coerce me into doing her paperwork. Too many games and tricks for me. Link to post Share on other sites
SawtoothMars Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 There are many factors that also made me think if she was worth a relationship. Like she wouldn't let me hangout with girl friends even if she was in front with them , or attending car events because she was jealous of me seeing the models there. Then comes the factor of her dating two guys while she was with me, just because I wouldn't marry her during the first six months. As I said I made a decision, she was ok with it. I told her that I could marry her by the end of the year. She said no, she said she wants it now or nothing. She now says that she only wants marriage and not sponsorship, but she wants me to prove her that I can commit and she can have future with me. I still don't buy that excuse to rush marriage now. Giving her a date for the end of the year as deadline was my last choice but it seems as she is rushing the marriage thing and looking for excuse to get it now or she would leave. Being jealous like that is usually a bad sign... but in your case it actually shows that she cared about you. No woman should ever be able to dictate what you do! If she is jealous... So What? This should be your general rule moving forward. I also didn't like how her father back in Vietnam did FaceTime with me and tried to pressure me for marriage. I just want to have a normal marriage where I propose to my girl, not being pressured into it. He was trying to protect his daughter from you. Don't take it personal. There is no such thing as a "normal" marriage, and women will always pressure you if you drag your feet. This may have had a shorter time table, but for f*** sake it's all the same. I dated a woman for 2 years and towards the end she put on a full court press attempt to get a wedding out of me. I was really young and had been expecting her to change into some wonderful girlfriend... when I realized that isn't going to happen I ended it. Now, I'm old enough that I can tell within 6 months or so what kind of woman I am dealing with. I expect you should be the same way. One side of me tells me that I have lost a good woman , but the other side Tells me that maybe she was just nice for a reason. Now you will never know. Never make choices out of fear! Like everything in life those things that are worth the most usually require a risk. If you are afraid to take that risk, don't expect anything great out of life. Link to post Share on other sites
2tontom Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 Being jealous like that is usually a bad sign... but in your case it actually shows that she cared about you. No woman should ever be able to dictate what you do! If she is jealous... So What? This should be your general rule moving forward. He was trying to protect his daughter from you. Don't take it personal. There is no such thing as a "normal" marriage, and women will always pressure you if you drag your feet. This may have had a shorter time table, but for f*** sake it's all the same. I dated a woman for 2 years and towards the end she put on a full court press attempt to get a wedding out of me. I was really young and had been expecting her to change into some wonderful girlfriend... when I realized that isn't going to happen I ended it. Now, I'm old enough that I can tell within 6 months or so what kind of woman I am dealing with. I expect you should be the same way. Now you will never know. Never make choices out of fear! Like everything in life those things that are worth the most usually require a risk. If you are afraid to take that risk, don't expect anything great out of life. Do you think there's a trust issue with this level of jealousy? I ask because I was in a similar situation. She would cause arguments when I simply greet another female. She didn't want me around other females. Yet, she only went out with were male friends. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 There are many factors that also made me think if she was worth a relationship. Like she wouldn't let me hangout with girl friends even if she was in front with them , or attending car events because she was jealous of me seeing the models there. Then comes the factor of her dating two guys while she was with me, just because I wouldn't marry her during the first six months. As I said I made a decision, she was ok with it. I told her that I could marry her by the end of the year. She said no, she said she wants it now or nothing. She now says that she only wants marriage and not sponsorship, but she wants me to prove her that I can commit and she can have future with me. I still don't buy that excuse to rush marriage now. Giving her a date for the end of the year as deadline was my last choice but it seems as she is rushing the marriage thing and looking for excuse to get it now or she would leave. I also didn't like how her father back in Vietnam did FaceTime with me and tried to pressure me for marriage. I just want to have a normal marriage where I propose to my girl, not being pressured into it. One side of me tells me that I have lost a good woman , but the other side Tells me that maybe she was just nice for a reason. I think you better retract your offer of marriage at the end of the year as well. It's not like we're exactly picking them up and shipping them back timely these days, you know. She'll still be here I'm sure. You need to bail. Link to post Share on other sites
SawtoothMars Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 Do you think there's a trust issue with this level of jealousy? I ask because I was in a similar situation. She would cause arguments when I simply greet another female. She didn't want me around other females. Yet, she only went out with were male friends. No. If your GF is from Vietnam this is more likely a cultural thing. If you spend any time there at all, you will quickly discover that the women are much more aggressive than in other cultures. The best way to get an awesome boyfriend is to steal one from another girl. Not all of them do it, but they all learn to watch out for the ones who do. They also tend to be much more afraid of women with lighter skin tones... which they believe all men find prettier. Generally the jealousness is a sign she cares about you and thinks other women will want you. I don't know why she is hanging out with all guys. A much better question is why do you let her? Link to post Share on other sites
2tontom Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 No. If your GF is from Vietnam this is more likely a cultural thing. If you spend any time there at all, you will quickly discover that the women are much more aggressive than in other cultures. The best way to get an awesome boyfriend is to steal one from another girl. Not all of them do it, but they all learn to watch out for the ones who do. They also tend to be much more afraid of women with lighter skin tones... which they believe all men find prettier. Generally the jealousness is a sign she cares about you and thinks other women will want you. I dont know why she is hanging out with all guys. A much better question is why do you let her? Well, when WERE together, her reason was because she didn't get along with other females. I didn't buy that BS but it didn't bother me. What bothered me was being accused of pursuing other women when I engaged in friendly conversation. Link to post Share on other sites
SawtoothMars Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 Well, when WERE together, her reason was because she didn't get along with other females. I didn't buy that BS but it didn't bother me. What bothered me was being accused of pursuing other women when I engaged in friendly conversation. It doesn't matter where the woman is from, you simply can't put up with behavior like that. Link to post Share on other sites
vrj Posted August 7, 2015 Share Posted August 7, 2015 first of all i feel her bro. BECAUSE i am also like her before with my past but things did work good so i left the man and marry a man who is really a man now we are both happy. but back to the situation i think she just to hurry up because of her situation and her age but if you want a long term relationship find another girl for because maybe its just another dream turn into a nightmare. Link to post Share on other sites
cessna Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 She doesn't love you. How could you be so naive? Link to post Share on other sites
emi Posted August 22, 2015 Share Posted August 22, 2015 Vietnamese girl here, imma try to say something. You should bail because shes definately use you. Maybe not all but 90%. The way she rush marriage and her family involved. I dating a foreigner but i dont want to show him to my parents . I dont want to let them know and pressure him in any way : Money or status for me. He need to do it for me himselft. And yeah if i love someone a few months wait shouldnt be a problem Link to post Share on other sites
edgygirl Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 (edited) I married my then boyfriend as well, and while his family might have doubted my real reasons (and I see why, as they didn't know my character very well), I only did it because I really saw a future with him. I loved him. And yes I think I kind of pressure him. But it had nothing to do with bad intentions. We loved each other, he was my bf, there was an issue, it just made sense. I would have never married someone I didn't love Sometimes there's more than meets the eye. People are quick to judge here. For some reason in the US people always think immigrants are out to get someone. It's funny because Canada ie doesn't feel like that, and in general it's a more developed country immigration-wise. I am American now, and I do think immigration policies and views here are absurd. There should be an official path to immigration that doesn't involve a company sponsoring you, being brilliant in something, opening a business etc or getting married, having only those options is pathetic and leads to conflicts as yours. Besides they are losing brilliant talented professionals, which Canada is smartly happy to bring in. I don't think she is necessarily after a Visa no matter how much she is pressuring you. My relationship ended up not working. Getting divorced is not the end of the world if yours doesn't. Edited August 31, 2015 by edgygirl Link to post Share on other sites
Lady2163 Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 On one hand, you did lead her on. You knew she had a timetable. If you weren't going to marry her (and in your heart you knew this) you should have ended it a long time ago. You kind of wasted her time. But you need to know the bullet you dodged. Someone mentioned this, but I have a friend who has been married to a foreigner for 30 years. One of the primary problems in the marriage is in 30 years, he has brought 30 plus relatives to the U.S. IT NEVER ends. Mother, father, siblings, spouses, nieces and nephews, he's now on cousins. They get here and have no place to live, so they stay with them until they get a job, a car enough for deposits, usually two years, sometimes longer. During his entire marriage, they have never lived alone together. They did have kids, but even while raising his own children, there were always extra family members around. His quick calculation is that he has spent close to $500,000 on her family. Link to post Share on other sites
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