How do I make wife forget about her ex she never mentioned before ?

[Adamp]

Hi we have been married for 7 years and really love my wife. Initial marriage period was quite stressful and it was all about her expectations from the marriage. I found them quite unreasonable and we had lot of fights. However I decided to give her some *time to settle in our relationship and just moved on. Eventually it got better. However, her as well as her parents expectations always remained high for some reasons and I had to bear lot of financial burden to support her parents during their stressed times.*

 

From past few months I have been noticing very different change - like hardly returning to any calls, taking care of our daughter etc. she is all the time glued to the phone and hardly responds to any conversation and will hardly sleep at night. This recently started bothering me a lot and I suspected if she had any past relations. We discussed this topic many occasions which included my relations too. So I never ever tried to hide anything and strongly believed hiding such things will only damage the relations.*

 

Being tech savvy she always had suspicion if I would hack into her phone. I never bothered to do so as I had "blind" trust. However when I got resetless I had chance to go through her chat history and found out indeed she was in deep physical relationship in the past and she and her ex both are fantasizing on phone. We live in different country so spending time on phone is natural option for them. I could now corelate our past fightings and incidents. Perhaps she always compared me with her ex and expected quite high.*

 

I never would have bothered if she had discussed these things openly like I did during early days. Though she is a talkative person, she never mentioned these. Infact she kept giving me other such examples of her colleagues and friends. After 7 years, I got to know one such example is in my own life.*

 

I haven't yet mentioned to her if I read all conversation she had with her ex as she is always suspicious me spying on her. *I feel completely disconnected now. Not able to imagine she is just physically present with me and emotionally elsewhere. Not sure where to start to improve this. Shall I tell her that I got to know about her past etc. I'm quite restless now.*

 

Please advise.*

*

[twosadthings]

If her past had stayed her past you would have no problem. The truth is if she is fantasizing about it now with her ex boyfriend she is cheating in your present and if she continues unchallenged you will have no future.

 

 

Take positive steps to let her know what she is doing is unacceptable and don't let her shift blame to you for the way you discovered her faithlessness.

 

 

Good luck,

 

 

Twosadthings

[MJJean]

Your wife sounds like a high maintenance, spoiled, self entitled, brat.

 

She is having an emotional affair with her ex. Were it me, I'd tell her she has two options. 1) End all contact with him and put some serious effort into the marriage or 2) She needs to tell Mr Wonderful to pay her freakin bills because you aren't doing it anymore and will be filing for divorce.

[GoBlue]

Your wife may be involved in what's called an "emotional affair." It is not healthy and will cause severe problems in your relationship - it already has. Have you confessed that you looked into her conversations yet? Have you made contact with a family friendly counselor yet? If you ignore this and try to move forward you will not get very far. The cat is out of the bag and you can no longer claim "ignorance" or put your head back into the sand. I would consider strongly contacting a counselor, Pastor, or some other third party mediator to seek guidance on how to move forward. Here is a quote from an article I found about these kinds of relationships:

 

"Most affairs begin as an innocent connection between two people. You may be brought together through work, church or school. But if your guard isn't up and your boundaries aren't well-established, a newly developing connection can quickly become entangled. As you spend time together, either face-to-face, through the computer or by phone, you may find yourself gradually sucked into an emotional affair that can rip a marriage to shreds even though the relationship never becomes physical.

 

The damage begins when you find yourself sharing information, thoughts or feelings that should have been kept between you and your spouse. This is an emotional betrayal that cuts into the heart of a marriage. The damage worsens as you begin to distance yourself emotionally and physically from your spouse in lieu of time with your friend.

 

Eventually, the friendship crosses the line when it introduces elements that should never be part of a marriage — secrets and lies. This deception destroys the foundation of marital security, and once it begins, it's difficult to stop."

 

As you can see from this article, your marriage is at a turning point. Although it may not be comfortable to admit what you have done, it cannot be undone. I hope you will seek the help of a professional and I hope you do not attempt to bury this and move on. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[oldshirt]

She is having an emotional affair and you need to deal with it as such.

 

Also, what we're these "expectations" that she and her parents had?

[No Limit]

From the way your wife sounds I'd advise you to divorce right away, but let's see if your marriage can be saved. And yes, she's having an emotional affair as others have mentioned - if she ever went away for al onger while it might have already turned physical.

 

Confrontation mode.

#1 You demand No Contact, forever. All means of communication with him, gone.

#2 You demand to know about EVERYTHING that was going on between them, including reading what they wrote. If she resists start looking for a lawyer.

#3 Polygraph time. Ask whatever you want to know; the polygraph will spill the beans in case she refuses.

 

It's time you stamp your foot on the ground and quit being her doormat. That woman sounds like a spoiled 6-year-old. You say she has high expectations; now it's time you show her that you won't tolerate lazying around and have expectations as well, else you're gone.