Many obstacles to figure out.

[absoluteshock]

I am looking for ANY advice right now. I feel I can't seem to get on thought in my head straight. I will try to shorten this as much as possible -

 

I've been in a LDR now for about 15 months. He lives in the US and I live in Canada about 13 hours drive. He is a wonderful person, genuinely the most kind and good hearted person I've met. He treats me like gold as well. He proposed in November and I said yes, although the past 3-4 months I've been having doubts of our relationship and my feelings toward him (I'm not sure if I have fallen out of love in this time it certainly seems to feel that way?). The distance has been extremely hard , because of his job we rarely get to see each other so I am alone almost all of the time.

 

Fast forward to two weeks ago and I found out I was pregnant. I'm about 8 weeks along.

 

We are still long distance for various reasons (his job), but since this news he decided he would move here.

 

I am in turmoil because I can't imagine him moving countries if I'm so unsure of my feelings toward him, and I certainly can't imagine having a baby and him not being a part of every step (he is a good man and would be an excellent father).

 

I am terrified of him moving here, and me realizing that it wasn't just the distance it was in fact that I'm not in love anymore, and us having a baby. I am terrified to uproot his life for such uncertainty. We've talked and he thinks it is the distance and once we are together I will be in love again - but I can't say I'm as convinced.

 

Please any advice - ANY advice - is welcomed!

[emi]

i have a question : Do u want to get an abortion ?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am looking for ANY advice right now. I feel I can't seem to get on thought in my head straight. I will try to shorten this as much as possible -

 

I've been in a LDR now for about 15 months. He lives in the US and I live in Canada about 13 hours drive. He is a wonderful person, genuinely the most kind and good hearted person I've met. He treats me like gold as well. He proposed in November and I said yes, although the past 3-4 months I've been having doubts of our relationship and my feelings toward him (I'm not sure if I have fallen out of love in this time it certainly seems to feel that way?). The distance has been extremely hard , because of his job we rarely get to see each other so I am alone almost all of the time.

 

Fast forward to two weeks ago and I found out I was pregnant. I'm about 8 weeks along.

 

We are still long distance for various reasons (his job), but since this news he decided he would move here.

 

I am in turmoil because I can't imagine him moving countries if I'm so unsure of my feelings toward him, and I certainly can't imagine having a baby and him not being a part of every step (he is a good man and would be an excellent father).

 

I am terrified of him moving here, and me realizing that it wasn't just the distance it was in fact that I'm not in love anymore, and us having a baby. I am terrified to uproot his life for such uncertainty. We've talked and he thinks it is the distance and once we are together I will be in love again - but I can't say I'm as convinced.

 

Please any advice - ANY advice - is welcomed!

[absoluteshock]

I haven't completely ruled that out as an option if it is what is best. I'm obviously very confused ..

[emi]

I haven't completely ruled that out as an option if it is what is best. I'm obviously very confused ..

 

 

You should ask him to come over and stay with you like a month and see how you feel then. After that, you can make a decision.

 

 

 

In my opinion, even there are alot of sucessful single mom/dad out there, a child shouldnt be put in such a situation if avoidable.

Love feeling always wax and wane, it not always intense or obvious. Its also possible since you are pregnant, your hormone maybe messing with your emotions.

I think you should ask yourself few questions

1. Do you want to be with someone else or rather be alone than staying with this man?

2. Do you want to get an abortion or having a child?

If you get an abortion i think your relationship with him will pretty much over.

If you decide to stay, it may get better, it may get worse. Your feeling may come back, or it may not, you can leave later, but a child is a child .

[absoluteshock]

Is it possible that it's the distance that makes me feel "not in love"? because we are constantly apart. Does anyone else have a similar situation and if so what did you do or what worked for you to figure it out?

[ExpatInItaly]

I would follow the other poster's advice and have him come stay for a little while first. See how you feel when in each other's company more regularly. But I would put any wedding plans on hold for the time being. There are far more pressing issues to think about. You first need to figure out if you are ready to have a baby.

 

You also need to consider the logistics carefully, though I imagine you've taken that into consideration by now. In other words, will he obtain the relevant residency and work permits for Canada. (As a fellow Canuck with family and friends who've come from around the world, settling in Canada is no easy feat even when one partner is a citizen)

[absoluteshock]

I agree it would be nice to see how we do together in the same house. He however has a very good gov't job and I'm not sure he could take the time away anytime soon without actually having to quit his job all together.

 

I'm really under the feeling of if we have a baby and he moves to Canada and gives up everything where he is, then I will stay with him and build a family and life with him even if I'm not 100% in love with him - does this sound completely unrealistic and naive?

[TMichaels]

Why does he have to move? Why don't you?

 

 

Have you told him you are pregnant?

 

Best,

TMichaels

[justwhoiam]

Hi,

 

I'm trying to think what would be best.

 

If he has a government job, he must have some sort of parental leave, some kind of solution. I'd suggest he asks to get that, for like a month to support his child's mother. Maybe he needs proof of your status and possibly that you need support (e.g. high-risk pregnancy). He'd take like a month off and be with you. Look into that.

 

Then you spend time living with him and see if you feel like you used to.

 

Being a mother myself, my advice is: don't rush doing something you could regret for the rest of your life. Also, pregnancy and finding out you're pregnant is a time of big turmoil, when all fears come up all of a sudden. What if this and what if that. It's just normal, most women experience that (fears, uncertainty, anxiety for the future/not knowing what will happen, etc.)

It's easy to get overwhelmed. And some women can also experience some kind of apathy, like dragging themselves, not knowing what to do and not willing to do much. In that case, love for a partner can drop dramatically. The long distance is probably blowing that further. Even before finding out you were pregnant, you felt kind of off, disconnected (relationship-wise).

 

Have I felt that way?

Yes, I have. What could the reasons be? There could be several reasons, like you haven't met him in a long while, you're not keeping up intimacy, you feel he's not showing enough interest in you and you'd like someone who's blatantly in love and going out of his way for you, you might need passion and feel things are just mild with him, etc.

Men tend to lose focus... they feel everything's OK and sort of stop romancing you, and that's right when you might start feeling disconnected.

But this man seems really committed, and he's being strong for the both of you. That is a huge quality, even if you don't even realize that right now. Especially when you're pregnant, it's always a great thing having someone reassuring you, supporting you, telling you that everything will be OK and being by your side no matter what.