absoluteshock Posted May 19, 2015 Share Posted May 19, 2015 I am looking for ANY advice right now. I feel I can't seem to get on thought in my head straight. I will try to shorten this as much as possible - I've been in a LDR now for about 15 months. He lives in the US and I live in Canada about 13 hours drive. He is a wonderful person, genuinely the most kind and good hearted person I've met. He treats me like gold as well. He proposed in November and I said yes, although the past 3-4 months I've been having doubts of our relationship and my feelings toward him (I'm not sure if I have fallen out of love in this time it certainly seems to feel that way?). The distance has been extremely hard , because of his job we rarely get to see each other so I am alone almost all of the time. Fast forward to two weeks ago and I found out I was pregnant. I'm about 8 weeks along. We are still long distance for various reasons (his job), but since this news he decided he would move here. I am in turmoil because I can't imagine him moving countries if I'm so unsure of my feelings toward him, and I certainly can't imagine having a baby and him not being a part of every step (he is a good man and would be an excellent father). I am terrified of him moving here, and me realizing that it wasn't just the distance it was in fact that I'm not in love anymore, and us having a baby. I am terrified to uproot his life for such uncertainty. We've talked and he thinks it is the distance and once we are together I will be in love again - but I can't say I'm as convinced. Please any advice - ANY advice - is welcomed! Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 19, 2015 Share Posted May 19, 2015 You have to sit down & talk to him about all of this. It's a lot but it's his life & his baby too. If you want the baby, if you want to put the baby up for adoption, if you want to terminate the pregnancy. There are lots of decisions to be made & lots of variables. Most likely you are simply terrified because this pregnancy wasn't exactly planned. Because you got engaged before the pregnancy at least you know he wants to marry you for you, not out of some sense of obligation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author absoluteshock Posted May 19, 2015 Author Share Posted May 19, 2015 Thanks for the response, I guess another question I have for anyone out there is do you think it's possible to be happily-ever-after with someone who you're not totally sure you're in love with? Link to post Share on other sites
minime13 Posted May 19, 2015 Share Posted May 19, 2015 Thanks for the response, I guess another question I have for anyone out there is do you think it's possible to be happily-ever-after with someone who you're not totally sure you're in love with? If you were not sure that you were in love with him, then why did you accept his proposal? It's like people don't understand what marriage means anymore. The first thing you guys should is live in the same city and be around each other to see if you're really compatible for the long term. I don't understand a LDR that turns into engagement before this step. So, you guys really missed a crucial step. Now you are pregnant, which is going to cause a little more emotion in the engagement that you are unsure of. I don't know - I think the only way you're going to be able to answer this question is to live in the same city and turn the LDR into a relationship. That will test your compatibility. If you don't want him to uproot his life, then why don't you move? Either way, one of you will have to take the chance and uproot your life because of this. I mean, you're engaged. You're not married yet, though, so you need to take the time and take action to see if you guys are truly compatible for the long haul before getting married. I mean, you're already committed to being a part of each other's lives now with a child on the way, and you're engaged. So, you may as well put in the effort to see if you can be a family. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
miseenscene Posted May 19, 2015 Share Posted May 19, 2015 Thanks for the response, I guess another question I have for anyone out there is do you think it's possible to be happily-ever-after with someone who you're not totally sure you're in love with? Everyone is going to have their own opinions about this, depending on whether they think passion or dedication are more important. For me, the answer to your question would be a resounding "no." It sounds like for you it would be impossible, too, because your gut is already alarmed about this. What does "happily ever after" mean for you? If it means being in love with someone as a foundation, then there is your answer. Love changes in a marriage, of course, becoming what is called "mature love" but if a sense of being in love with your partner is important to you, and you are lucky enough to be self-aware about it at this juncture, don't get married if you don't feel that as a foundation. Read the thread right next to yours about a woman who wants to leave a marriage after two decades because she has finally realized she was never in love with her husband. Having a child is stressful in and of itself. Having a child on top of a rapid transition from an LDR to a live-in relationship, triggered by the pregnancy, is doubly stressful. Moving countries is stressful. Having bureaucratic/job/visa stuff tied up with marriage stuff is stressful. There are a lot of raw ingredients for resentment in this situation, and without the buffer, or counterweight of the feeling that you are in love, that THIS is that special person to whom your heart says "yes" -- it sounds like it could become a painful situation that would be difficult to extricate yourself from. I don't know if it is possible for you, but maybe you could try to think about the two issues separately -- pregnancy and him. So, what do you want to do about the prospect of a child? And how do you feel about him? Of course they are linked, but at least trying to think about them separately might help clarify things. For example you might realize you want the child in any case, or you want the child but only if it is without him, or you don't want to be a single parent no matter what, or... Lots of possibilities there. So it's good to have a strategy for discernment. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted May 19, 2015 Share Posted May 19, 2015 depending on whether they think passion or dedication are more important The neat, exciting truth? These are not mutually exclusive :D:D:D:D:D:D 1 Link to post Share on other sites
miseenscene Posted May 19, 2015 Share Posted May 19, 2015 The neat, exciting truth? These are not mutually exclusive :D:D:D:D:D:D I completely agree -- but a lot of people on LS seem to hold the opinion that dedication is what it takes to make a marriage, and love is a choice. I don't think love is a choice. I do think once you have love, you absolutely need dedication to help keep it healthy. But I don't think you can choose to or make yourself love someone, and I don't think you can compensate for romantic love with any other feeling, no matter how positive and noble. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author absoluteshock Posted May 19, 2015 Author Share Posted May 19, 2015 I too do not think you can make yourself "fall in love" just the same as you can not make yourself fall "Out of love" with a person who is bad for you. I said yes to the proposal because I didn't have these nagging doubts at the time, but as time went on I grew more and more distant. I can not move because I am here with my mother who is alone and needs me right now otherwise I would have and he has a job right now where he is gone 80% of the time from home so we wouldn't get a true sense of how we were together. I know I've gotten myself in a terribly difficult situation - but I do value marriage and really don't want to have a baby in a broken home. Is there anyone who stayed in a marriage to someone they knew they weren't in love with , but made it work based on love and commitment anyway? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 19, 2015 Share Posted May 19, 2015 I am terrified of him moving here, and me realizing that it wasn't just the distance it was in fact that I'm not in love anymore, and us having a baby. I am terrified to uproot his life for such uncertainty. We've talked and he thinks it is the distance and once we are together I will be in love again - but I can't say I'm as convinced. Please any advice - ANY advice - is welcomed! It's not clear whether you'll have - and keep - your baby. But if you do, it's no longer just about you, your fears and your relationship with BF; your child will have needs also. And since he has no voice yet, you need to advocate on his behalf. What's best for him? How will you support and care for him? How will both parents have a role in his life? Those concerns come before your own, that's just the way it works. Life just got more complicated ... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author absoluteshock Posted May 19, 2015 Author Share Posted May 19, 2015 I agree - very complicated. I would never want to bring a baby into the world if his mother is from Canada and his father from the US and couldn't have a stable life. That's where I'm having the most difficult time because I truly think in my mind that if he moves to Canada and we have a baby, I would sacrifice my feelings and continue with the relationship so the baby grows up in a stable environment. Is this completely unrealistic on my behalf? Link to post Share on other sites
miseenscene Posted May 19, 2015 Share Posted May 19, 2015 I know I've gotten myself in a terribly difficult situation - but I do value marriage and really don't want to have a baby in a broken home. Is there anyone who stayed in a marriage to someone they knew they weren't in love with , but made it work based on love and commitment anyway? I don't know anyone like that. I do know two couples who have stayed together because they got married in similar circumstances, and they do not seem happy -- one is a high-conflict marriage, one marriage seems fine on the surface but I am the wife's confidante (she is my cousin), and there is a lot of resentment there. She plans on leaving once her kids leave for college (and she's got half of middle school and high school to go with her youngest...that's a lot of years). But even if you get responses that yes, it was possible for some people--you really need to think about whether it is possible for YOU. I would guess that people for whom it was possible, did not have this much self-awareness of their doubts this early in the game. As you are thinking ahead to being a mother, think about what you would like to model for your child, because they will learn from you what it means to make a family, and how likely you are to model that in the marriage you are considering. As a thought exercise along these lines, imagine that you had your child, and it's a girl, and in a couple of decades she comes to you, her mother, with this same situation. What would you advise her? What would you feel in your gut she should do? Regardless of what you decide, single motherhood is not the same as a "broken home". I hate that term anyway, but even as it is generally used, it usually describes a family situation that started with co-parenting in the same household and then the parents split up, not a situation where the parents are not together from the get-go, for whatever reason. There are all kinds of family configurations. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 19, 2015 Share Posted May 19, 2015 I agree - very complicated. I would never want to bring a baby into the world if his mother is from Canada and his father from the US and couldn't have a stable life. That's where I'm having the most difficult time because I truly think in my mind that if he moves to Canada and we have a baby, I would sacrifice my feelings and continue with the relationship so the baby grows up in a stable environment. Is this completely unrealistic on my behalf? Raising kids (I have 4) far and away toughest thing you'll ever take on *. The bond of love between parents certainly is an asset but not a requirement. But as others have said, this intensely personal decision entirely up to you. None of us strangers giving you feedback will be there for a 3 am feeding so take all advice with a grain of salt. Best of luck and keep posting... Mr. Lucky * Good news is it's also the most rewarding ... Link to post Share on other sites
miseenscene Posted May 19, 2015 Share Posted May 19, 2015 would sacrifice my feelings and continue with the relationship so the baby grows up in a stable environment. Is this completely unrealistic on my behalf? It's not that it's unrealistic -- lots of people do it. It's just that it is a LOT to put on your child. There are lots of stories on here and elsewhere on the internet by grown-ups whose parents stayed together "for them" -- many of them say they wish they had not done that, that they feel guilty for their parents sacrificing happiness for them. And by doing that, you will be showing your kid that that is what marriage is -- that it is okay to sacrifice your feelings in it. Would you want that for your kid? Link to post Share on other sites
Author absoluteshock Posted May 20, 2015 Author Share Posted May 20, 2015 It's not that it's unrealistic -- lots of people do it. It's just that it is a LOT to put on your child. There are lots of stories on here and elsewhere on the internet by grown-ups whose parents stayed together "for them" -- many of them say they wish they had not done that, that they feel guilty for their parents sacrificing happiness for them. And by doing that, you will be showing your kid that that is what marriage is -- that it is okay to sacrifice your feelings in it. Would you want that for your kid? That's a really good way to look at things, I hadn't actually thought of that myself. I want to do what's right for the baby so much I just don't know if any situation is right for him/her Link to post Share on other sites
miseenscene Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 (edited) That's a really good way to look at things, I hadn't actually thought of that myself. I want to do what's right for the baby so much I just don't know if any situation is right for him/her Of course you want to do what is right for the baby! That already shows that, if you have the baby, you will be a wonderful mom. Just don't automatically conflate the ideal of how a family is "supposed to be" with "what's right." Of course, I have my bias, but I left my marriage first and foremost because I did not want my child to learn that it was okay to settle for a marriage without love. My ex-husband, on the other hand, was okay with settling for our unfulfilling, increasingly unhappy marriage, because his own parents' marriage was just like that. That's just what marriage was, in his perspective. He never saw anything different growing up. You didn't question it, you stayed together for the kids. And I didn't want my child to learn the same lesson. Because we are the most powerful points of reference our children will have, and they learn from us -- how to be husbands, wives, parents, what to strive for, and when to settle. Everything will be okay. You will figure it out. Don't pressure yourself to decide before you know you are ready to do so, and don't let your fiancee pressure you to decide before you are ready to do so. Those voices of pressure and guilt and self-doubt can make one's head a very loud place - and you need it to be quiet to be able to truly listen to your gut and know what the right course is. Edited May 20, 2015 by miseenscene Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 Thanks for the response, I guess another question I have for anyone out there is do you think it's possible to be happily-ever-after with someone who you're not totally sure you're in love with? NO! I do not. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 Is there anyone who stayed in a marriage to someone they knew they weren't in love with , but made it work based on love and commitment anyway? It's one thing staying in a marriage without being in love, but a whole other thing actually getting married when you're not in love. Don't get married and become another divorce statistic. It would be very unfair to him. I'm sure you wouldn't like it done to you. Link to post Share on other sites
lucy_in_disguise Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 I agrew with the comments that you shouldnt marry without love, but at the same time, you should give him the chance to be a present father. If he wants to move to canada to be closer to the child, dont stop him because you feel guilty that he will have to uproot his life. Dont deny your child the chance to have two parents close by (whether or not theyre together) out of guilt. Link to post Share on other sites
Lunay Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 First - I had a friend who was with a woman for 8 years, 4 of them they were married. He told me he asked her to marry him because he felt pressured, he put the wedding off until he couldn't anymore. He got married "for her" and said he figured he would fall in love with her after that. It never happened. They are now divorced. You can't spend your life hoping to fall in love with someone. It's either there or it isn't. Someone can try and make you fall in love with them until they are blue in the face, but if you don't feel it, you don't, nothing will change that. Second - Moving to a different country takes a lot of time. I hope you both don't think he will just move on over to Canada and find a job? Also, they may not even allow him to work right away. What kind of visa is he planning on applying for? Can you suppot him and your child while he looks for work? I know a guy from England who can't work here because he doesn't have a work visa. The government now wants to send him back even though he has a family here and is married. You need to get that figured out. Third - If you plan on keeping the child, you don't necessarily have to be with this guy. 13 hours is far but not that far. He can visit plenty and still pay child support... That is if you don't want to terminate. I'm sorry you're going through this, it must be so hard. Good luck <3 Link to post Share on other sites
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