Life is on spectator mode, except for her?

[Jorisky]

Hey guys,

 

I don't really know how to start this thread but i am completely lost on what to do. I am an 18 year old guy and maybe I'm depressed, maybe I'm not. I don't know.

 

It started in high school when I fell in love with her. When I finally confessed my love to her, she claimed she loved me before but not anymore. She was in our class and friend group so i saw her almost everyday. Even when she was in another relationship we still had those alone moments that were in my eyes, what being in love must definitely feel like.

This was over a time period of 2 years i think, i had to repeat second class and I kind of stopped hanging out with the group. I don't know I just didn't feel any motivation to take action. Neither did I try to socialize with my new classmates. I was just there, getting my degree with ease.

 

Now back to the present day, i quit school and only have a job of 1 hour a day. I do have friends now and hangout almost everyday. But i just don't feel that much alive anymore. I am still thinking about her everyday and occasionally dream about her. Those dreams make me miss the past so much more when i was just a kid in love not having to care about anyone.

 

I understand that i need to go to work or school but that is not the problem here. The problem is myself, how am i going to start working and living my life when I'm just sitting here spectating every day go by, thinking about her.

About half a year I just had to message her and talk. We hanged out and had a great time but it's like she doesn't know how I am feeling. Which is obvious of course, since i didn't tell her. When I'm on spectator mode i don't know how to express my feelings. I can't really bond with anyone anymore because i am all closed up. I definitely know the feelings are there though.

 

I had to make a choice to go on with life and be happy with the people that i have, and definitely care about me. Or i could try to reach her. Even just a message from her can make me more happy than what I've been for the past 2 years. I do have dreams and definitely want to get a taste of it. I don't want to die. I just don't know how to start living again. Social anxiety isn't helping neither. Although I do believe it's just minor. I definitely have my good days.

 

How can i express my feelings for her? I think the only way out of this is closure. I want to talk to her one last time and tell her how I'm feeling. And want to know her reaction. But having barely spoken in the past three years i just don't know how to bring it to her without making it awkward and retarded. She told me she would always care for me and help when in need.

 

Would she? Would she understand? I don't even know how to start.

 

 

Anyone that read this far, thank you I really appreciate it.

 

Does anyone have any advice for me? This is like my last resort.

If you need more info, please do ask.

[dancingsunflowers80]

Hi there - sorry to hear that you are going through this. Do you have anyone you could talk to about all this that you are comfortable with? A parent, best friend or pastor? Sometimes talking it out in person is helpful to clear your thoughts especially from someone you respect...praying for you!

 

mommato2lilmonkeys

[clia]

I understand that i need to go to work or school but that is not the problem here.

 

In my opinion, that is the problem. You have nothing better to do than to sit around and fantasize about her, so of course that is all you are going to do. You need other activities in your life. Badly. How are you supporting yourself with no job?

 

How can i express my feelings for her? I think the only way out of this is closure. I want to talk to her one last time and tell her how I'm feeling. And want to know her reaction. But having barely spoken in the past three years i just don't know how to bring it to her without making it awkward and retarded. She told me she would always care for me and help when in need.

 

Please don't do this. You don't need closure; you just think you do because thinking about it is all you do. And let's be real...you don't really want closure. You want her to change her mind and want to be with you. That isn't going to happen.

 

I'm not trying to be harsh, but you need to snap out of it. If you get out of the house, start working and going to school, start seeing your friends again all of the emptiness you feel now will go disappear because you will be busy with other things. You will meet new girls, better girls. Please don't waste any more time fantasizing about what will never be.

[Jorisky]

Hi there - sorry to hear that you are going through this. Do you have anyone you could talk to about all this that you are comfortable with? A parent, best friend or pastor? Sometimes talking it out in person is helpful to clear your thoughts especially from someone you respect...praying for you!

 

mommato2lilmonkeys

 

Thanks for the reply. I don't really have anyone i can talk to. I Do have a best friend for over 9 years but since he's been through anything even remotely similar, knowing him i'm sure he won't understand. Since this is all about her anyway, it only seemed logical that i talk to her about this.

 

In my opinion, that is the problem. You have nothing better to do than to sit around and fantasize about her, so of course that is all you are going to do. You need other activities in your life. Badly. How are you supporting yourself with no job?

 

Let me get this straight first, I do not fantasize about things that are never going to happen. I know a relationship is not going to work anyway because we both changed too much. At least that's what I fear.

I simply believe that feelings like this should not be hidden away. I'm tired of always having to put all this love in a cage. Especially when me and all our friends used to hang out together, I had to endure her kissing and loving someone else while I was there just locking up all the feelings.

She did apologize to this after a year of no contact though.

I live with my mother and brother. I go to the gym regularly and hang out a lot. I don't think this will go away, since i do care about my life. I just feel like something has to happen and then i can continue my life where i left off. Feels just like I am on a pause right now.

 

 

Please don't do this. You don't need closure; you just think you do because thinking about it is all you do. And let's be real...you don't really want closure. You want her to change her mind and want to be with you. That isn't going to happen.

 

Maybe closure was not the right word. I just want to get this of my chest by talking to her about it. I want to tell her how much i care about her, and how much she changed me in many ways. I believe that showing love is all I can do, and if i'm lucky i might get some back.

 

I'm not trying to be harsh, but you need to snap out of it. If you get out of the house, start working and going to school, start seeing your friends again all of the emptiness you feel now will go disappear because you will be busy with other things. You will meet new girls, better girls. Please don't waste any more time fantasizing about what will never be.

 

Meeting new girls is not going to work, since i can't even imagine being with another girl while still thinking about her 24/7. She needs to go away. But she means so much to me I can't think about forgetting her. When i start forgetting memories involving her feels like my last bit of meaning i life just fades away. When she is gone, I have nothing.