Can't get image out of my head

[AGoodFriend]

Hello all, first time poster here.

 

I'd like to get some perspectives on my situation.

 

I have fallen in love with a beautiful wonderful lady. She is talented, successful, caring, and compassionate. Our compatibility is off the charts. We have fun when Kopp we are out. We can be boring in the house. We can talk about intellectual topics. And our sex life was like..whoa!

 

We were friends for about three years before our relationship progressed to where we are now. It seems so natural. I am getting to the point where I can't imagine myself without her. I can envision myself moving in with her down the road.

 

However, one thing is nagging me about our situation. When we were "just friends" she told me about a difficult situation she was going through. There was a guy (a mutual acquaintance) whom she worked with. She told me that she had some feelings for him, but he didn't seem to be to interested in her. I remember telling her how he tried to sleep with every girl at our job (I worked with him for half a year) and that he was so shallow, his intentions so obvious, and he lacked subtlety to the point that when he came around the ladies at work scattered in other directions. I told her that I respected *what she had told me, but that as a friend, I was worried about her pursuing a relationship with the fellow. I told her to be careful because he was after any girl he could get.

 

After that, I let it go. She was a good friend, and I gave her my advice, but she had to live her own life, I thought. It never came up again.

 

Towards the end of the year, my friend and I went out to a party. It was our "first date." We hit it off so well that later that month we became intimate and have remained so since.

 

Earlier this year, we were talking and having drinks and what she had told me about our mutual acquaintance from last year came across my mind. I asked her if they had had sex. She said yes. I felt a flood of emotions I hadn't felt in so long. When we had discussed her situation with the guy, I figured that she had some feelings for him, was somewhat confused, and felt bad because he didn't reciprocate. Now it turns out that she had had sex with him once. I tried to calm myself down. I'm almost 40 so I thought I had some experience in life. I quickly told myself, "Hey man, you weren't with her." But the realization that they had actually slept together hit me like a ton of bricks. This was a total sleazeball, who dispersed the girls at work like RAID, who had been with my girl, the woman I am now in love with.

 

We talked about it and she revealed some more details about the circumstances that made me start to see her in a different light.

 

However, I kept telling myself, "Hey man, she wasn't with you. She said it happened and that was it."

 

But I still couldn't get it out of my head. I began to ask, "Did she initiate it? Was it totally meaningless? Where they drunk?"

 

Later, when I asked her "Hey did you guys at least go out on a few dates? Were you at least drunk???" I was looking for ANY type of rationalization to explain away the situation.

 

She said, "NO, none of that."

 

That made me even more enraged. I am thinking about a woman I love and she just let some guy screw her? I was livid.

 

Meanwhile, I kept telling myself, "It's none of your business. You were a fool for even asking!"

 

But those common sense thoughts did nothing to help me. My jealousy and insecurity have taken over. I know I stand to lose a wonderful woman who loves me. I know, I am petty, but I cannot get the image of this guy and my girl in a casual sex encounter out of my head, no matter how bad she says it was.

 

It has damaged my sexual intimacy with her. Before my foolish question, we were dynamite. I felt I was special, that I was the man. Now, I don't feel that way. I don't know if she is subconsciously comparing me to him in her mind. Right now, our emotional bond is getting stronger, but sexually I feel somewhat compromised. When I begin to make love to her, the image of her and him sometimes pervades my mind, no matter how much she tries to reassure me.

 

Again, I know this is jealousy and insecurity on my part. Whatever happened with her and the guy is none of my business. I think that maybe if I didn't know the guy and how he is, it wouldn't be so bad for me.

 

I think it's because I am so heads over heels for her. I have given her my heart and now I am afraid of it getting broken in the future.

 

Ok, have at me! Knock some sense into my head because I need it.

[davidromero43]

You were a fool for even asking

 

That is your answer. But now you just have to live with it. My story is very close to yours. There is no time machine. You know you are wrong. I know it sucks.

[Tayla]

So your lady fair has been brought down off her pedestal, and now you know she can make poor decisions. Is it forgive-able?

 

My ex bf and I had this scenario . My advice, share your side, and remain neutral on her past. I"m sure she is none too proud of that past event....

[Mrin]

I dunno man. There isn't really any logical argument I can give you that will make it better. But I've seen a ton of threads like this - but never heard from someone who successfully pulled out of this nose dive.

[AGoodFriend]

So your lady fair has been brought down off her pedestal, and now you know she can make poor decisions. Is it forgive-able?

 

My ex bf and I had this scenario . My advice, share your side, and remain neutral on her past. I"m sure she is none too proud of that past event....

 

@Tayla, was your ex bf able to get over it?

[AGoodFriend]

So your lady fair has been brought down off her pedestal, and now you know she can make poor decisions. Is it forgive-able?

 

My ex bf and I had this scenario . My advice, share your side, and remain neutral on her past. I"m sure she is none too proud of that past event....

@Tayla, was your ex bf able to get over it?

[La.Primavera]

Do not talk about it ever again! No questions, nothing!

 

You are already aware this comes from your own fear of getting hurt. It can be scary when your feelings grow for someone. It has manifested in this feeling of jealousy.

 

We all have a past. I'm sure you do as well. Do you not look back at someone you had feelings for and think "what did I see in that person?".

 

Despite your warnings she had to learn for herself that the guy was no good. It's hard to see the truth when you like someone, you justify things because you want to believe they are a good person at heart. She had good intentions and got played by a jerk

 

There is huge difference between you and him. You know how special she is and won't take her for granted. You are her hero, he means nothing.

 

The good news is that this is something you can work through. Just continue to remind yourself of the truth. She wasn't with you at the time. She had feelings for a guy and tried to get close to him and it backfired. She wants you, not him. You are reacting this way because you are scared of getting hurt. She is special and worth fighting for.

 

Most importantly, do not talk to her about it again. Ever!

 

All the best.

[davidromero43]

Most importantly, do not talk to her about it again. Ever!

 

Yes, don't talk to her about it. It is your problem.

 

 

Below was the best advice I got when I posted a very similar issue that I have. I have changed it to better fit your situation.

 

Some random that did nothing got to be with her. It's insulting to you that she would / could do such with someone like him. I don't think anger is the core of what you feel. Perhaps sad, disappointed, diminished. Anger is lashing out over those things, something you can't change that you have no control over. No words will help.

 

You can love and trust her after all, you just want to be her everything and special right?

[Satu]

If I were you, I would seek out some short-term, single-issue therapy.

 

Even just five or six sessions could be a big help.

[AGoodFriend]

Yes, don't talk to her about it. It is your problem.

 

 

Below was the best advice I got when I posted a very similar issue that I have. I have changed it to better fit your situation.

@David Romero, have you made progress in your similar situation? If so, what did you do? Was it just about time passing?

[davidromero43]

@David Romero, have you made progress in your similar situation? If so, what did you do? Was it just about time passing?

 

Mainly it is time passing. Also I figured out that I am a bit narcissistic. I couldn't understand how she picked him. When the truth was that she didn't. She used him like a tool. He served a purpose, and that purpose was no longer needed. So there is no real threat. Then it came down to the visions in my head of the sex. I really like to fix things. I am really good at fixing things. I can't fix that. I can't go back in time and fix it. I can only accept it. Which my narcissism prevents me from doing. So I still think about it. Then I wanted to get even. That was a huge deal. She didn't tell me about him until after it was too late. If I tried to get even at that point, it would have completely destroyed our relationship. So I couldn't get even. This is also narcissistic thinking. What if she decided to get even? She had to sleep with 20 more men. Where does "getting even" really truly get even? So that is not as big a deal. So I still think about "the sex" every day. But I know it is my problem. I do not bring it up anymore. I do not talk to her about it. If I start to think about it more than a few seconds, I just start thinking about the great times we have together. I would never want to ruin a great relationship because I am too weak to deal with this issue. I know it is my problem, not hers.

[AGoodFriend]

Do not talk about it ever again! No questions, nothing!

 

You are already aware this comes from your own fear of getting hurt. It can be scary when your feelings grow for someone. It has manifested in this feeling of jealousy.

 

We all have a past. I'm sure you do as well. Do you not look back at someone you had feelings for and think "what did I see in that person?".

 

Despite your warnings she had to learn for herself that the guy was no good. It's hard to see the truth when you like someone, you justify things because you want to believe they are a good person at heart. She had good intentions and got played by a jerk

 

There is huge difference between you and him. You know how special she is and won't take her for granted. You are her hero, he means nothing.

 

The good news is that this is something you can work through. Just continue to remind yourself of the truth. She wasn't with you at the time. She had feelings for a guy and tried to get close to him and it backfired. She wants you, not him. You are reacting this way because you are scared of getting hurt. She is special and worth fighting for.

 

Most importantly, do not talk to her about it again. Ever!

 

All the best.

Thank you, Primavera for your insight. I am very afraid of getting hurt. This stems from previous insecurities that I haven't successfully dealt with.

 

We are talking a lot and this is helping me.

[Poppyolive]

Here's me knocking some sense into you!! Come on, kiddo, get it together. You are in your 40s there has been lots before you and for you too. Why ruin a good thing? First step, stop asking questions and get some solid help. After all it is your feelings, insecurities, jealousy, control.. If you can't let it go, then please let her go. She doesn't deserve to be in a relationship with someone who is not fully present and committed to making it the best possible relationship. Instead you are holding on to thoughts that are wrecking havoc now.

 

Best wishes

[AGoodFriend]

Mainly it is time passing. Also I figured out that I am a bit narcissistic. I couldn't understand how she picked him. When the truth was that she didn't. She used him like a tool. He served a purpose, and that purpose was no longer needed. So there is no real threat. Then it came down to the visions in my head of the sex. I really like to fix things. I am really good at fixing things. I can't fix that. I can't go back in time and fix it. I can only accept it. Which my narcissism prevents me from doing. So I still think about it. Then I wanted to get even. That was a huge deal. She didn't tell me about him until after it was too late. If I tried to get even at that point, it would have completely destroyed our relationship. So I couldn't get even. This is also narcissistic thinking. What if she decided to get even? She had to sleep with 20 more men. Where does "getting even" really truly get even? So that is not as big a deal. So I still think about "the sex" every day. But I know it is my problem. I do not bring it up anymore. I do not talk to her about it. If I start to think about it more than a few seconds, I just start thinking about the great times we have together. I would never want to ruin a great relationship because I am too weak to deal with this issue. I know it is my problem, not hers.

Wow davidromero43, that sounds pretty intense. I really wish you the best of luck in your situation. As for now, I am going to take your advice and love her and cherish her. As the other people are saying, especially @Poppyolive, why ruin a good thing for something that really has nothing to do with me?

 

I have been lucky that she has been willing to talk to me about this. I think my problem stems not so much about what happened in the past (we weren't together), but my fear of the future. Will she be susceptible to something like that while we are together? But as you said, trust is the key thing and I am going with that.

[AGoodFriend]

@Poppylove, thank you very much I needed that slap upside the head.

[Tayla]

@Tayla, was your ex bf able to get over it?

 

Thank you for inquiring, we learned to go thru it together and re-learn things about one another. He and I found it strengthened us to go thru it. In an age where its said " get over it", we seemed to do better in working thru it. Glad to read that you are getting good advice here. You sound like a gent that cherishes her. good for you!

[AGoodFriend]

Yes, Tayla, thank you so much for your kind works. I agree with you 100%. "Get over it" is a little too harsh if you don't take the time to see why someone is feeling a certain way.

 

WE have been talking a ton and working through it together. She is patient and 100% wants to be with me, so I can't ask for any better proof. I know she adores me.

 

The two things that bothered me most is that I HATED the guy even before he "got to her," and also about our future. I became unsure if I could trust her to be out without me without ending up in another similar situation. But I am going to close my eyes and dive in.

[Tayla]

Yes, Tayla, thank you so much for your kind works. I agree with you 100%. "Get over it" is a little too harsh if you don't take the time to see why someone is feeling a certain way.

 

WE have been talking a ton and working through it together. She is patient and 100% wants to be with me, so I can't ask for any better proof. I know she adores me.

 

The two things that bothered me most is that I HATED the guy even before he "got to her," and also about our future. I became unsure if I could trust her to be out without me without ending up in another similar situation. But I am going to close my eyes and dive in.

Wow! pleased to read this. Its a breath of fresh air to see a healthy attitude and resolution. Best to you and yours!

[Poppyolive]

Glad I could help, ;-) anytime, I'll slap you back to reality. This site is pretty darn awesome, especially the cold hard wake up slaps. Even if you don't feel them initially, they open up other ways to view the situations at hand. Be grateful for her understanding. You'll get there.

 

All the best

[preraph]

Hey, just because you're not attracted to him and don't want to date him doesn't mean she doesn't! I've seen men and exes with women I couldn't fathom the attraction and I think that happens to everyone. He had something or he wouldn't have been as successful at getting laid. I've questioned the good taste of nearly every man I've been interested in. Not everyone has good taste; not everyone has the same taste as you; not everyone is looking for the same thing. Time to put on your big boy pants and accept that all people are different and coming from different places that makes them do different things and learn life's lessons on their own path, not yours.

[AGoodFriend]

...sincerely, each and every one of you who responded, for giving me valuable perspectives on this issue. Even though you each have added a unique viewpoint, the common theme is clear: this is more of an issue of me being insecure than anything else. I know it may be petty, but I can't change my feelings nevertheless.

 

I have admitted to her as much. I am insecure and this may not be the best time for me to be in a relationship. I wanted to be as honest with her as possible in this respect. She understands and says that she has her own securities re us as well.

 

We have been talking a lot about our insecurities, trying to hash them out. Yesterday, we did something were we talked about mutual acquaintances and friends and whether or not we found them attractive and why. We talked about our expectations in a relationship. We talked about other, deeper insecurities from our respective pasts that have shaped us as we are. Our communication channels are open. This is why we went from friends to a couple, because we relate to each other so well and can talk about so much.

 

We had a WONDERFUL friendship beforehand, and I believe that if things don't work out for us in a romantic sense, for whatever reason, that we communicate well enough for us to become good friends once again.

 

Again, thank you all.

[Adlih]

Hello all, first time poster here.

 

I'd like to get some perspectives on my situation.

 

I have fallen in love with a beautiful wonderful lady. She is talented, successful, caring, and compassionate. Our compatibility is off the charts. We have fun when Kopp we are out. We can be boring in the house. We can talk about intellectual topics. And our sex life was like..whoa!

 

We were friends for about three years before our relationship progressed to where we are now. It seems so natural. I am getting to the point where I can't imagine myself without her. I can envision myself moving in with her down the road.

 

However, one thing is nagging me about our situation. When we were "just friends" she told me about a difficult situation she was going through. There was a guy (a mutual acquaintance) whom she worked with. She told me that she had some feelings for him, but he didn't seem to be to interested in her. I remember telling her how he tried to sleep with every girl at our job (I worked with him for half a year) and that he was so shallow, his intentions so obvious, and he lacked subtlety to the point that when he came around the ladies at work scattered in other directions. I told her that I respected *what she had told me, but that as a friend, I was worried about her pursuing a relationship with the fellow. I told her to be careful because he was after any girl he could get.

 

After that, I let it go. She was a good friend, and I gave her my advice, but she had to live her own life, I thought. It never came up again.

 

Towards the end of the year, my friend and I went out to a party. It was our "first date." We hit it off so well that later that month we became intimate and have remained so since.

 

Earlier this year, we were talking and having drinks and what she had told me about our mutual acquaintance from last year came across my mind. I asked her if they had had sex. She said yes. I felt a flood of emotions I hadn't felt in so long. When we had discussed her situation with the guy, I figured that she had some feelings for him, was somewhat confused, and felt bad because he didn't reciprocate. Now it turns out that she had had sex with him once. I tried to calm myself down. I'm almost 40 so I thought I had some experience in life. I quickly told myself, "Hey man, you weren't with her." But the realization that they had actually slept together hit me like a ton of bricks. This was a total sleazeball, who dispersed the girls at work like RAID, who had been with my girl, the woman I am now in love with.

 

We talked about it and she revealed some more details about the circumstances that made me start to see her in a different light.

 

However, I kept telling myself, "Hey man, she wasn't with you. She said it happened and that was it."

 

But I still couldn't get it out of my head. I began to ask, "Did she initiate it? Was it totally meaningless? Where they drunk?"

 

Later, when I asked her "Hey did you guys at least go out on a few dates? Were you at least drunk???" I was looking for ANY type of rationalization to explain away the situation.

 

She said, "NO, none of that."

 

That made me even more enraged. I am thinking about a woman I love and she just let some guy screw her? I was livid.

 

Meanwhile, I kept telling myself, "It's none of your business. You were a fool for even asking!"

 

But those common sense thoughts did nothing to help me. My jealousy and insecurity have taken over. I know I stand to lose a wonderful woman who loves me. I know, I am petty, but I cannot get the image of this guy and my girl in a casual sex encounter out of my head, no matter how bad she says it was.

 

It has damaged my sexual intimacy with her. Before my foolish question, we were dynamite. I felt I was special, that I was the man. Now, I don't feel that way. I don't know if she is subconsciously comparing me to him in her mind. Right now, our emotional bond is getting stronger, but sexually I feel somewhat compromised. When I begin to make love to her, the image of her and him sometimes pervades my mind, no matter how much she tries to reassure me.

 

Again, I know this is jealousy and insecurity on my part. Whatever happened with her and the guy is none of my business. I think that maybe if I didn't know the guy and how he is, it wouldn't be so bad for me.

 

I think it's because I am so heads over heels for her. I have given her my heart and now I am afraid of it getting broken in the future.

 

Ok, have at me! Knock some sense into my head because I need it.

 

Is that image out of your head yet?

[Adlih]

Is that image out of your head yet? Hope it is!