Moving in with a girl?

[courtneykay]

Ugh I don't know how to feel. If you saw my post, you will see that I am entering a LDR. My bf is moving across the country for his job, and I plan to join him a year from now when I finish school. Right now he is looking for housing, and is considering being roommates with a girl from his school who is also moving there. I know he wouldn't cheat on me, but this still makes me uncomfortable. I told him how I felt but he doesn't really seem to care. Am I being crazy for feeling weird about this situation?

[justwhoiam]

Ugh I don't know how to feel.

You do.

 

If you saw my post

I did. People reply to your post and you never go back to the thread, apparently. So it becomes a dead thread.

 

he is looking for housing, and is considering being roommates with a girl from his school who is also moving there

What a coincidence. Well, I guess a 50% chance that the classmate was female.

 

this still makes me uncomfortable

I guess. Opportunity makes the thief.

 

I told him how I felt but he doesn't really seem to care.

If it were my boyfriend, he'd need my approval before living alone with a girl that is not me. And I guess I wouldn't approve.

 

Am I being crazy for feeling weird about this situation?

No.

[courtneykay]

I don't really care whether or not people read my post, just referencing it for anyone who is interested. I haven't been on in a few days so hence why I haven't posted....it's not that I don't ever go back to my posts...I just joined.

[ExpatInItaly]

I read your previous thread. You described yourself as codependent, which is a warning sign. I think you are going to struggle a lot with a LDR, let alone knowing your boyfriend is living alone with a girl. I don't think you are crazy for being uncomfortable with this.

 

You said your boyfriend doesn't seem bothered that you are concerned. What did you say to him about this, and how did he respond?

[Mike78tan]

Ugh I don't know how to feel. If you saw my post, you will see that I am entering a LDR. My bf is moving across the country for his job, and I plan to join him a year from now when I finish school. Right now he is looking for housing, and is considering being roommates with a girl from his school who is also moving there. I know he wouldn't cheat on me, but this still makes me uncomfortable. I told him how I felt but he doesn't really seem to care. Am I being crazy for feeling weird about this situation?

 

You are not crazy:). I would not allow that, I am a man, trust me I know what I'm saying .

[courtneykay]

Thanks everyone for the responses. His living situation is still up in the air. When I say he doesn't really care, I mean he is most concerned about finding the cheapest, best apartment ever. Even if that means he lives with a girl. We talked about it and he said he would not live with a girl unless it's a super great deal. Which still doesn't make me happy. He should just say he won't live with a girl at all.

[Phoe]

I am not one to jump to extreme conclusions regarding opposite sex interactions, because I'm a firm believer that men and women can be platonic and behave appropriately... but I draw the line at living arrangements.

 

There is NO reason why he can't find an arrangement where he lives with males.

 

A man from my past once moved in with a woman. I was quite accepting of it to start. Then he slowly stopped inviting me over. Once nearly shoved me out the front door when he walked in and saw she was home when he thought she wasn't. Then came the time we both unknowingly ended up at the same bar. He was with her. He pretended he never saw me, and left with her.

 

I finally asked him about it. He called me crazy, said I was ridiculous and jealous and stupid for thinking he'd do something so silly as get involved with a housemate.

 

Long story short... not long after I finally ended things with him, they were engaged! They've been married for several years now.

 

I know he never moved in with the intentions of getting involved with her... but it happened.

[d0nnivain]

I lived with a male roommate. While we were both in other relationships nothing happened.

 

If he doesn't live with her, how much more will his living arrangements cost or will he have to compromise & live in an unsafe neighborhood? Those are worse choices IMO. If this other girl is the only other person he knows in town, do you honestly think they won't be interacting whether they live together or not?

[mammasita]

No, no, no, no and just hell no.

 

Never would I ever be in a relationship with a man who thought it was OK to be "roommates" with a woman....EVER.

[Phoe]

Admittedly I feel a bit of a hypocrite over my earlier post. I did once have 2 male roommates.

 

When I first moved into that house, it was all girls. Once those girls moved out, one by one they were replaced with guys.

 

Admittedly, our interactions were minimal. They were quite polite, but only spoke broken English, they were from Germany. I do remember one night when we all sat in the living room drinking too much vodka and watching Inglorious Basterds.

 

Both of them had girlfriends. One came to visit once and I was not informed of this until one morning I was awoken by loud noises in the kitchen. I stumbled out to the kitchen to find this tiny blonde girl using my cookware to cook her boyfriend the loudest breakfast there ever was, haha. She ended up being quite a fun girl to have around but my goodness... a warning would've been nice!

[acrosstheuniverse]

I don't think it's appropriate while in a relationship to actively move in with one other person of the opposite sex, it's a different story if you were already living with them when you met the person though. Also got no problem with shared houses of mixed genders, when I met my boyfriend we both lived in shared houses and a couple months after we met he moved in with three girl friends and one male friend... but spent every night at mine until we moved in a few months later.

 

I do think it depends on how secure you already feel in the relationship though. If you already feel loved and secure then you're likely to be more understanding, especially if you know the friend yourself too.

 

But even though I'm big on personal freedom and not trying to control your partner when it comes to having friends etc... I don't think its unreasonable not to want your boyfriend to be spending all of his waking time at home with another woman, watching tv together, chilling with her by default when you're not there, cooking meals together... I just think it's asking for trouble. Very easy for feelings to develop in those circumstances even when there weren't any to begin with.

 

As another poster said, there's absolutely no reason he can't find a male roommate. There'll be plenty of living opportunities with men. I have a feeling this may already be a done deal, and he's just presenting it as a 'maybe' for now, to get you used to the idea. I don't see why a partner would throw a possibility like that onto their girlfriend given the damage it could cause, unless it was extremely likely.

[courtneykay]

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses.

 

Of course I don't want to be controlling or become obsessive, but I have to cross the line at living with a girl! I've told him the same thing, that there are plenty of guys out there that I am sure he could live with, or just get a studio for crying out loud! We've talked about it a lot more and he is being more understanding about my wishes.

 

So far, he still hasn't found a place. He is getting ready to go to Europe for two weeks, then Florida with me for a week, and then he is moving shortly after. Originally his plan was to have a place secured and drive out there with his stuff. Now he may fly out early and stay at a hotel until he can find a place and have his mother drive his stuff out there.

 

It's nice to know that I'm not being crazy! I had a feeling that I wasn't being, but sometimes when I get upset about things I feel like I am being crazy/obsessive. I think this stems from a bad relationship I had once where my x was constantly calling me crazy, psycho, etc. I am glad to be with someone now that I can overcome problems with through repeated communication. I feel like this will work out for both of us.

[minime13]

Thanks everyone for the responses. His living situation is still up in the air. When I say he doesn't really care, I mean he is most concerned about finding the cheapest, best apartment ever. Even if that means he lives with a girl. We talked about it and he said he would not live with a girl unless it's a super great deal. Which still doesn't make me happy. He should just say he won't live with a girl at all.

 

He needs to be concerned about more than that. If he wants to keep the relationship of over a year going, he needs to be concerned about your feelings as well.

 

Are you planning to follow him after you graduate? Have you planned a future together? Have you talk about the future in more depth than "one day?" These are conversations you need to have before taking a relationship into LDR.

[rester]

Ugh I don't know how to feel. If you saw my post, you will see that I am entering a LDR. My bf is moving across the country for his job, and I plan to join him a year from now when I finish school. Right now he is looking for housing, and is considering being roommates with a girl from his school who is also moving there. I know he wouldn't cheat on me, but this still makes me uncomfortable. I told him how I felt but he doesn't really seem to care. Am I being crazy for feeling weird about this situation?

 

I don't think you're crazy for feeling weird, but men and women do have the ability to live together without having gender-based drama. Between the ages of 18 and 28, I had close to 20 different roommates at various times, and 8 were women. There was never any problems aside from typical issues that were not gender related.

 

None of the women I dated ever had a problem with my living situation.

 

That said, if my girlfriend opposed it and I wasn't already living with a woman when we got together, I would respect her feelings and try to find another option.

Edited June 2, 2015 by rester

[justwhoiam]

I don't think that living with one girl sharing an apartment is the same thing as sharing an apartment with more people, where there are girls too.

[courtneykay]

He needs to be concerned about more than that. If he wants to keep the relationship of over a year going, he needs to be concerned about your feelings as well.

 

Are you planning to follow him after you graduate? Have you planned a future together? Have you talk about the future in more depth than "one day?" These are conversations you need to have before taking a relationship into LDR.

 

Yes, we have discussed long term plans. He had to sign a three year contract with his job, and so I plan to move out there when I finish school as I will be earning a degree that will basically allow me to get a job anywhere. Obviously that's really scary, because there is no guarantee I will get a job. We've already arranged the times I will visit him, and he visits me, it's just a matter of finding the right priced plane tickets. We have really talked in depth about what we are going to do to make this work, as we are both committed.

 

I do wish that he would have respected my feelings more from the get-go, but now that I have expressed how negatively I feel towards the situation, he is much more understanding, and I think the prospect of him living with a girl is far gone. I get that he is stressed and just wants to find a place to live, but I am glad that he is taking my feelings into account.

 

I don't think you're crazy for feeling weird, but men and women do have the ability to live together without having gender-based drama. Between the ages of 18 and 28, I had close to 20 different roommates at various times, and 8 were women. There was never any problems aside from typical issues that were not gender related.

 

None of the women I dated ever had a problem with my living situation.

 

That said, if my girlfriend opposed it and I wasn't already living with a woman when we got together, I would respect her feelings and try to find another option.

 

Yeah, I totally understand that. It doesn't ALWAYS have to be romantic. It's just kind of a scary prospect as we will be so far away from each other and he won't know anyone out there. Luckily, as I said, I don't think this is even a possibility anymore.

 

I don't think that living with one girl sharing an apartment is the same thing as sharing an apartment with more people, where there are girls too.

 

Oh absolutely, it's much different if it is a shared place. He has had a girl roomie before, but she had a boyfriend, and there were two other guys living there too. I don't think that would bother me. Him living alone with a girl, now that's another story.

[courtneykay]

Great. I guess I am just an idiot. I asked him how the apartment hunt was going. He said, did you know that (friend that is a girl) has been in a LDR for 5 years? And I said great, I thought we talked about it and decided that wasn't going to be an option. Then he goes on to tell me that he just applied at an apartment complex with her because the rent was outrageously cheap.

 

Obviously I am upset. He told me he wasn't gonna live with a girl. I love him so much, but I absolutely hate this. As if entering a LDR isn't hard enough, now we have to add another girl to the mix? Yeah I guess it is supposed to be "comforting" to know that she has a boyfriend. But still, that also makes me a bit weary at the same time. They both are in LDR, haven't had physical contact for a while, etc. Ugh.

 

I know he would never cheat on me. He has been cheated on before, and so have I. It's something from the very beginning of our relationship that we discussed that we both had a history and wouldn't tolerate any form of it. So if I trust him enough to know that he won't cheat, why do I still care/feel so jealous and worried?

 

Don't know where to go from here. I know everyone is gonna say "I told you so," and what a horrible idea this is.

[TMichaels]

I know he would never cheat on me. He has been cheated on before, and so have I.

 

Never say never. Given the histories, you know both of you are capable of it. Throw temptation or anger into the mix and cha-ching -- "never" isn't "never" anymore.

 

It's something from the very beginning of our relationship that we discussed that we both had a history and wouldn't tolerate any form of it.

 

Uh-huh. So let me tell YOU a story...

 

My first convo with a past LDR-SO: "I don't lie, I don't cheat, I don't play games, and have no room in my life for people who do."

 

SO: "I understand and respect that. Since neither of us wants to go through that again, how about we make a promise to always be 100% honest with each other?"

 

Result: I kept my end of the bargain and trusted LDR-SO to do the same.

 

LDR-SO didn't -- lied big time (repeatedly) and was extremely pissed off when confronted with the truth, apparently counting on the fact that being 3600 miles away, I would never know the difference.

 

Morale of the story: Talk is always cheap. Actions always speak louder than words. What a person does and how they act -- especially toward you -- is always a more accurate picture of who they really are.

 

So if I trust him enough to know that he won't cheat, why do I still care/feel so jealous and worried?

 

 

I'd listen to your gut if I were you.

 

 

 

Best,

TMichaels

[justwhoiam]

Great. I guess I am just an idiot.

Ehm...

 

I asked him how the apartment hunt was going. He said, did you know that (friend that is a girl) has been in a LDR for 5 years? And I said great, I thought we talked about it and decided that wasn't going to be an option. Then he goes on to tell me that he just applied at an apartment complex with her because the rent was outrageously cheap.

 

Dear Courtney,

 

Please read the part in bold. He's already scheming with her behind your back. It doesn't look nor sound good.

You told him you didn't want him to be with her = he just ignored your request

You asked him to look around for apartments = the other girl knew about the apartment he found before you did (don't even dare say that, he might tell you that she found the apartment and asked him to join her)

 

I think whatever he was going to find, he was going to end up with her. I think they had already made a deal to share an apartment, regardless of how cheap or expensive the rent was going to be (proof is the rent was outrageously cheap!).

 

You can suck it up and just swallow the bitter pill as if it were honey. But mind you, if you do, you set a standard for your relationship, where he can do whatever he feels like not taking you into consideration.

[ExpatInItaly]

Ehm...

 

 

 

Dear Courtney,

 

Please read the part in bold. He's already scheming with her behind your back. It doesn't look nor sound good.

You told him you didn't want him to be with her = he just ignored your request

You asked him to look around for apartments = the other girl knew about the apartment he found before you did (don't even dare say that, he might tell you that she found the apartment and asked him to join her)

 

I think whatever he was going to find, he was going to end up with her. I think they had already made a deal to share an apartment, regardless of how cheap or expensive the rent was going to be (proof is the rent was outrageously cheap!).

 

You can suck it up and just swallow the bitter pill as if it were honey. But mind you, if you do, you set a standard for your relationship, where he can do whatever he feels like not taking you into consideration.

 

OP, please read the above a few times. Your boyfriend clearly only agreed to consider other options to get you off his back and buy a little time. He already knew what his plan was, even if they hadn't applied to specific apartment yet. Him telling you that she's in a LDR is evidence, in my opinion, that he already had it in his head to move in with her whatever your feelings might be.

 

You have a lot of thinking to do. And I'll echo another poster; everyone says they would never cheat. Until they do. Given he's done it before, he already knows he is capable of doing so. I don't necessarily think it's a given, but it would be naive to assume that just because someone swears they'd never do means they will keep that promise. He is already being a bit shady by going behind your back anyway.

[courtneykay]

Never say never. Given the histories, you know both of you are capable of it. Throw temptation or anger into the mix and cha-ching -- "never" isn't "never" anymore.

 

 

 

Uh-huh. So let me tell YOU a story...

 

My first convo with a past LDR-SO: "I don't lie, I don't cheat, I don't play games, and have no room in my life for people who do."

 

SO: "I understand and respect that. Since neither of us wants to go through that again, how about we make a promise to always be 100% honest with each other?"

 

Result: I kept my end of the bargain and trusted LDR-SO to do the same.

 

LDR-SO didn't -- lied big time (repeatedly) and was extremely pissed off when confronted with the truth, apparently counting on the fact that being 3600 miles away, I would never know the difference.

 

Morale of the story: Talk is always cheap. Actions always speak louder than words. What a person does and how they act -- especially toward you -- is always a more accurate picture of who they really are.

 

 

 

 

I'd listen to your gut if I were you.

 

 

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

Ehm...

 

 

 

Dear Courtney,

 

Please read the part in bold. He's already scheming with her behind your back. It doesn't look nor sound good.

You told him you didn't want him to be with her = he just ignored your request

You asked him to look around for apartments = the other girl knew about the apartment he found before you did (don't even dare say that, he might tell you that she found the apartment and asked him to join her)

 

I think whatever he was going to find, he was going to end up with her. I think they had already made a deal to share an apartment, regardless of how cheap or expensive the rent was going to be (proof is the rent was outrageously cheap!).

 

You can suck it up and just swallow the bitter pill as if it were honey. But mind you, if you do, you set a standard for your relationship, where he can do whatever he feels like not taking you into consideration.

 

OP, please read the above a few times. Your boyfriend clearly only agreed to consider other options to get you off his back and buy a little time. He already knew what his plan was, even if they hadn't applied to specific apartment yet. Him telling you that she's in a LDR is evidence, in my opinion, that he already had it in his head to move in with her whatever your feelings might be.

 

You have a lot of thinking to do. And I'll echo another poster; everyone says they would never cheat. Until they do. Given he's done it before, he already knows he is capable of doing so. I don't necessarily think it's a given, but it would be naive to assume that just because someone swears they'd never do means they will keep that promise. He is already being a bit shady by going behind your back anyway.

 

Thank you all for your advice. This is so hard, and I am thankful to have people who are able to offer their voice of reason in this situation. I got pissed at him. Maybe not pissed enough. After tireless arguing, I realized this was going nowhere and it's not like I could force him to not live with a girl. I mean I guess I could give him an ultimatum, but I'm not that type of person. I decided I trust him enough that I know nothing will happen between the two of them. Of course I know everyone has the potential to cheat. But that doesn't mean it is something that has to happen. I am going to choose to trust him despite my concerns, and hope for the best. I guess we will see if this comes back to bite me in the butt.

 

I love him so much. He truly is my best friend and I want to make this work. I didn't realize how hard long distance relationships really are until I entered one, and heck it's only been a few weeks. I do not want to give up on this relationship. We are best friends, and it is something that we are both working towards.

 

Now moving onto yet another argument that just happened that I don't feel like making a new thread over. As I mentioned earlier, he is traveling to Europe for two weeks, then on a beach trip with me for a week, and then he will be driving across the country to his new home. We have discussed me potentially driving out with him and helping him move, get settled in, etc. This is something that I have been excited about....despite the fact that his mother really wanted to come along too. (If you haven't, read my thread about the overbearing mother he has....) Of course I am fine with her traveling with us as I know it's a big deal to her. However she is very against me coming because she wants alone time with him and doesn't want me getting in the way of it, I guess. Even though she is the one who is going to be in Europe with him for two weeks. Whatever. Anyway, I would have to buy two one way plane tickets, one to his hometown he is moving from, and then we would drive to his new home, where I would fly back to my hometown. Total that comes to around $400 for the tickets.

 

Obviously that's a lot of money, and I am not exactly financially independent. I have a job, but I am in college and still dependent on my parents. However I have been saving and believe that I would be able to afford the trip. We have been talking about it lots. His birthday is in September so I would definitely fly out and visit him then. When discussing our plans, he said that he would be willing to help fly me out there for his birthday, to which I replied no, it's your birthday, this should be my gift to you. I would much rather he help me out with the plane ticket for this trip. He made a list of pros and cons for me, and after listing many cons of me making the move with him, I told him it seemed like he was leaning against me not coming.

 

He says that he doesn't think it is financially responsible for me to spend that much right now, because then I would be starting from ground zero saving for his birthday trip. A flight around his birthday would be $300, so in my opinion, I have ample time to save as I do have a part-time job. He also went on to say his mom is right and this might be the only chance he has to be alone with her.

 

So of course, I'm crying. I know he is trying to be responsible and do what's best for me, but it hurts. We are only going to be in a LDR for one year, I think I can afford to buy a few plane tickets. For me, I would much rather be living paycheck to paycheck for a few months and get to see him than be rich and be apart from each other. Maybe I'm being dumb and irresponsible. But it feels like I'm the only one putting much effort into this relationship so far.

[darkmoon]

some would say he is a crap boyf, has you in tears, i hope you find a better best friend than him

 

a grown man would love and protct his mother, ok, but not immediately jump to obey her, they could see each other any time, so i see a red flag

 

not quite the same red flag as you see, but a red flag all the same

Edited June 4, 2015 by darkmoon

[justwhoiam]

I realized this was going nowhere and it's not like I could force him to not live with a girl

Facepalm.

 

I decided I trust him

[...]

I guess we will see if this comes back to bite me in the butt.

 

I want to make this work

Always remember this: it takes two to make it work. You can bend right and left to make it work, but it still takes two. So everything you do might go down the toilet.

 

he is traveling to Europe for two weeks, then on a beach trip with me for a week, and then he will be driving across the country to his new home.

Skip the beach vacation, go directly to his new home and spend the week there with him, before his mother goes there. She will have to pay for her round trip. She will learn that she shouldn't count her chickens before they're hatched.

In all that, make sure the nice girl is not living there yet.

When the mother comes, you'll fly home, so you won't have to share the small spaces with her and she will have time to boss him around without you witnessing.

 

Also, he should put in 50% for your flight back home. But you saved money from the skipped vacation, right?

 

I don't see it lasting long anyway. I might be wrong. But it's just more pain for you. The mother will always come first, or he'll have to always mediate not to displease either. However, you are already exercising swalling bitter pills, one more, one less, what difference can it make.

[minime13]

That doesn't read that he's doing the best for you. That reads that either he's letting his overbearing mother call the shots (watch out - momma's boys are horrid), or he's coming up with excuses because he doesn't want you there.

 

Honestly, I think you need to reevaluate your decision to let him lie to you and go behind your back about the apartment situation. I don't understand trusting someone to be honest when they were just very deceitful to you.

 

His trying to talk you out of coming with him to his new home is a big red flag, in my opinion. His mom's disapproval and his reluctance to stand up to her and tell her how it is bothers me too. She doesn't want you to get in the way? Screw that nonsense.

 

This is some shaky ground, and he's leaving it all to you to stabilize it. Is this the future you want?

[justwhoiam]

I mean swallowing, not swalling. Ha.